how would you rate chemistry/attraction at the beginning

[Leigh 87]

This reminds me of what happened a few days ago.

 

 

I was on a bus in Europe travelling to a vacation spot. A man in his late 40s started chatting me up. I immediately knew he was "not bangable". But it was a 6 hour ride and he seemed interesting to talk to so I chatted to him along the way. He has a good job, owns a large house and is divorced and single. He kept complementing me and bought me drinks couple of times the bus made a short stop. He is of old fashioned culture and basically all his beliefs aligned with my own. 6 hours flew by. But... given the lack of physical attraction I have no desire to see him again. He has sent me messages since but just no way.

 

 

I wish I was one of those women where 1 can grow into 10 or 4 can grow into 8 or something. For me, 1 remains 1. Could explain why I'm permanently single.

 

 

I hated that. I mean I did enjoy talking to them, but I only ended up feeling more frustrated and alone when I would agree to dates with such men, only for my heart to skip a beat when the jerk I REALLY wanted, texted me:sick:q

 

I felt terrible. Like I had to choose between the men I yearned to have sex with naturally and chemically and the men who treated me well and we're into me.

 

It's why I think my fiance and I endured so much. I figured I would never take for granted true love and excitement with someone I got along with and made me laugh. I knew I wouldn't likely find it twice and would be back single, choosing between high chemistry versus compatibility and comfort.

[Woggle]

When I first met my wife I thought she was honestly the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I then got to know her and her personality made her even more attractive. When I found out she was as attractive on the inside as she is on the outside it was love.

[basil67]

I've read (here I think) that the less intense relationships have more staying power. It's counter-intuitive to an extent, but for instance that attractive spouse you were initially so ga-ga over ....

 

It sounds to me like you're connecting attractiveness to intensity. For me, it's connection = intensity. And in my experience, intense personal connection has real staying power

[Els]

H and I first met as friends and were each in other relationships at the time, so I really can't say. 5 I guess? I don't typically make a habit of evaluating chemistry with other guys when I'm in a relationship. On our first date (much later on) I'd say 10/10, but I might be biased.

 

10+ years together.

Edited July 28, 2019 by Elswyth

[mark clemson]

It sounds to me like you're connecting attractiveness to intensity. For me, it's connection = intensity. And in my experience, intense personal connection has real staying power

 

 

Agree - that is a very good point. The connection can certainly have a lot more to do with personality than with looks.

 

FWIW, I think some "alluring" personality traits are more conducive to LTR than others. For example, being genuinely sweet or having genuine self-confidence can be a solid emotional draw that lasts and helps a LTR. But things like having a hot/cold interaction style can also be a draw at first, but will likely undermine the R long term.

[Prudence V]

things like having a hot/cold interaction style can also be a draw at first

 

I have never understood how that could be attractive.

[basil67]

Agree - that is a very good point. The connection can certainly have a lot more to do with personality than with looks.

 

FWIW, I think some "alluring" personality traits are more conducive to LTR than others. For example, being genuinely sweet or having genuine self-confidence can be a solid emotional draw that lasts and helps a LTR. But things like having a hot/cold interaction style can also be a draw at first, but will likely undermine the R long term.

 

Yeah, hot and cold won't do it for me either. I wouldn't last more than a couple of weeks of it.

 

Hubby reckons the most alluring personality trait a woman can have is to be fun.

[mark clemson]

I'm not an expert on the psychology of this or anything but my view and to a certain extent experience is that, once one is interested, hot/cold keeps you interested because seeing the other person withdraw a bit while you still want them, makes you anxious to keep them there. So it's a draw, but not a pleasant draw (if that makes any sense).

 

I believe some people do this inadvertently due to their personalities, while others are deliberately manipulative. Think the unhappy person person who's partner is always trying to please them/keep them happy. Or how sad and desperate some folks can get when the partner starts to break up (or openly considers it). And so they come begging for a second chance, etc.

 

As you both point out, most of us (non-codependent) can only take so much of this before we either burn out or get fed up and choose to walk away. I believe it can go on for some quite time with certain people tho.

[Curiousroxy86]

I personally have strong boundaries against hot and cold behavior but the reason some people are attracted is because it causes “excitement”. You have comfort and safety and you feel good when it’s hot and when your attached to a person and they grow cold well it instills a fear of losing the person and then when they are hot again it gives them comfort again. It’s a roller coaster ride. It’s not “boring” or “familiar”. Also the person in their cold state gives an air of “scarcity” and how it relates to valuing that person more because they are scarce or valuing the person because of that perception and again being afraid to lose them. Also the person who is cold comes off as not caring what you think and dancing to the beat of their own drum which can trigger an air of perceived confidence and self respect. Keyword is perceived.

 

And mark your right some people exude this naturally and others are purposely manipulative. To me it’s toxic and the best way to deal with it is when they go cold you call them out and the next time they pull that mess again you break up.

 

Now IMO people in general who have boundaries already naturally do this in dating in a way that’s not a game. Instead it’s necessary. They are “hot” focused on the person they are dating and things are good until a boundary is crossed. Well one may communicate that boundary but if it’s crossed again? Well one may walk which can be perceived as “cold” behavior. So your being cold towards behavior that’s not okay. So I think this is probably as close to hot and cold that people in dating will excude naturally and imo healthy. One must stand up for their own boundaries that’s important to them and have standards. But anything outside of that? Being cold just to get the person to work harder for you when things are already good, get attention, get something out of them, trick them...that behavior shouldn’t be tolerated by anyone both men and women in dating. And I would love to see people wise up in general against things like that and leave these game players to play with themselves (pun intended).

[mark clemson]

Yes, agree Curiousroxy...

[Prudence V]

once one is interested, hot/cold keeps you interested because seeing the other person withdraw a bit while you still want them, makes you anxious to keep them there.

 

Not even close, for me. If I’m interested, I do my research. If they’re interested, I’ll make a move. If they “withdraw a bit” I withdraw totally. I don’t play games. You’re in, or you’re out. I don’t do the “shake it all about” stuff. Life’s too short.

[Curiousroxy86]

I don’t play games. You’re in, or you’re out. I don’t do the “shake it all about” stuff. Life’s too short.

:lmao::lmao: I know thats right! love it....

[mark clemson]

That is a good approach and probably quite sanity-saving. I think many people are not good at drawing their emotional boundaries so cleanly, esp. once they're a bit hooked and seeing the other person in the best possible light. Lucky you...

[seren]

It’s been 33 years since I first saw my husband at a bar in Germany, he was tanned, fit, laughing out loud and I did more than a double take. I wasn’t a, looks are most important woman, it was always about the man himself and whether he could make me laugh. Over weeks we danced around each other until one night we actually sat down and talked all night long. I never believed in fate or destiny or soulmates, but, something in me told me that I had found my other half.

 

I was in the process of leaving to go back to the UK, my husband and I had split up, my now husband was about to get engaged to an American actress. I never, ever play second fiddle to anyone. So I wished him a good life and went back to the UK. 6 months later I get a call, it’s him, he couldn’t go through with the engagement as he knew he missed me, he had taken 6 months to track me down. We met, we dated and then he moved in.

 

He was and is fit, handsome and makes me laugh like no one else can. We have been through some really bad times, but he has always been there for me and I for him. At times I thought we had lost that sparkle and I always wanted my marriage to have that. Then I look at him asleep in his chair snoring away with our dogs around his feet and it’s more than it was, the early lust, newness, unknown has matured into more than love, it has respect, like, familiarity, trust, shared lives, shared dreams, loss, and, when he had an affair, the willingness to let him go wanting his happiness more than my own and him seeing me. He broke when he realised all he could lose and so we are still together 10 yrs later, more of what we had than ever before.

 

He still picks me flowers, rings me from work each day to check all is good, he holds me when I am sick and we dance in the garden to our song, he planted me a rose garden and built me a place to sit in the rain. I still have flutters, not palpitations, when I see him. He is my view of choice, always. I thought I couldn’t love him more than I did in the early days, but I was wrong, and I am glad to be wrong for this, this is what it all means, everyone should have this once in their lifetime. It’s bloody marvellous.