Best friend/roommate getting on my nerves.

[acapelo_dp]

I have been living with my roommate Jennifer who is one of my best friends since December 2016 with no issues until the past I would say year. There are a few things that are bothering me:

 

1. One year ago, we discussed getting a dog together at our townhouse. I was up for it but had my reservations (financial costs, time in our schedules) but she was adamant about getting a dog. She found a foster dog on her own, who has a medical issue where he is required to take medication at 7:30am and 7:30pm on time. Also, the lady who was fostering him warned he will be an expensive dog. As I was a student finishing my degree in the next 8 months, she agreed to cover the costs. We also discussed who would get the dog when one of us moved out, she said she will take him. We met him and she said yes to the lady right away and we got him the next day. So I paid half for him ($350) and her and the dog bonded quite quickly and the dog is warmed up to her. The dog sleeps in her room every night.

 

Jennifer is able to take the dog to work with her, I am not able to with my job. Jennifer's schedule is also more flexible and I work 8-4 M-F.

 

I am annoyed because she will ask me the day of if I will be home to give him meds in the evening. I have a boyfriend and enjoy going to the gym, I will admit it is selfish but I did not sign up to give up my social life to be home every evening for the dog. If I am already home and don't have plans I absolutely do not mind. But I would like more notice than day of when she may not be able to take him to work/give him meds. It is always last minute when I have already made plans/am attending events. She is also planning on going away for my birthday weekend in September and didn't ask me if I had plans, just assumed I will be home to watch him. I do understand she will have plans/be away for vacation sometimes as well but that weekend is my birthday.

 

2. Second issue, I find myself not wanting to come home because I know Jennifer will just be sitting on the couch eating, watching TV and I no longer want to do that every time we hang out. I can't even ask her to dinner because we need to be home to give the dog meds, so there's no point in asking her to join plans. She does not have a social life and no desire to do anything which bothers me because I want to be able to do those things with her.

 

I have already spoken with my boyfriend (been dating 11 months) and I will be moving in with him after my lease is up in April. Jennifer knows this and is actually quite happy for me and anticipated this would happen once my boyfriend and I's relationship got more series.

 

I find myself feeling trapped and just unhappy in my living situation at the moment, and I have 8 more months to go on our lease. I know I shouldn't have agreed initially to get the dog and I do love dogs and have had them in the past but never with any medical issues - they were independent and low maintenance.

 

Any thoughts on my situation? Even though technically I am a secondary pet owner, I don't feel like it's my dog since he bonded with Jennifer quickly despite my efforts in the beginning. Also feel like Jennifer and I no longer have much in common and I feel annoyed by her being around. This hasn't happened before, I was always excited to come home and hang out.

[rainbow12]

You can still bond with the dog even if the dog did liked Jennifer first. You definitely need to express your thoughts to her, say that you can do it sometimes when there are no plans but not all the time. In the same breath you weren't really into getting a dog you must have to admit that, Your friend was more into getting one than you, You knew it was a mistake as you said the time schedule and you had reservations about it. Isn't there someone else who can be there for the dog? if there isn't then...you and Jennifer need to make an arrangement of who's turn it is to give the dog the meds in the evening since neither of you will always be there. Communication is always the key to fix things.

[anika99]

Well you need to talk to Jennifer and tell her what you told us. She's not a mind reader and so nothing will change if you don't speak up and say something. You say she will ask you in the morning if you are going to be home in the evening to give the dog meds. So what's stopping you from saying no? You're making it sound like she's horrible for asking but she's not. She's free to ask and you're free to say no so I'm not seeing the problem. Same for her upcoming vacation. If you don't want to take care of the dog than tell her now so she can make other arrangements. If you don't speak up about it then you can't complain after the fact.

 

As for her not being able to go out because she has to be home to give the dog medication well what would you like her to do about that? She made a commitment to take care of the dog and she has to honor that.

 

Nothing stays the same forever and you have to accept that. Sometimes friendships change and evolve and sometimes friendships end. Things have changed, you don't have to be unhappy, you can choose to accept your friend as she is now or you can choose to dissolve the friendship.

[Happy Lemming]

Can you move in with your boyfriend now?? Tell your roommate, you'll keep paying your share of the rent until the lease is up or another roommate (sub-let) can be located.

 

Let her worry about the dog or find it a new owner. She found it, it has bonded to her and she said she wanted it when you two parted ways, so technically its her dog.

 

I know what its like to have a crappy roommate and not want to come home. Its horrible. You want your home to be your sanctuary, a place to feel good, safe, and have a quiet place to decompress after a hard day at work, but its not. I'm sorry you are going through this, but you do have an option and that is to leave and move in with your boyfriend, early.

[preraph]

First of all, I find it unbelievable that you had to pay $350 to buy a rescue dog with bad health problems!! That's pretty crazy. Those are the kind of special needs dogs that rescuers will try to help find a home and often even help them pay for food or discount vet care. But glad the poor thing found a home.

 

It sounds like it's more her dog, and you should just tell her so. You had no part in making that decision to take on a dog that had to be pilled twice a day (thought it can happen to any of them certainly -- two of mine developed problems requiring that). She's like a teen who gets pregnant and then is always expecting her parents to babysit. Just tell her nicely she's who opted to get a dog with special needs and that when it's convenient, you will gladly help pill the dog and are willing to walk the dog and that sort of thing, but that since it's her responsibility, you will not be shuffling your plans around to do it and that she will need to do it since she took the dog on of her own volition.

 

I don't know what pills she's on, but it's dubious she needs the pills exactly at that time and you might want to ask the vet if it can be varied by an hour in either direction.

[schlumpy]

This hasn't happened before, I was always excited to come home and hang out.

 

I beg your pardon but it's happened thousands of times before. Lot's of people who were best friends have become best enemies after trying to room together. Once there is some distance, once again, between you two I think your fondness for her will return.

 

I have to say my sympathies lie with the dog but I understand how you feel. She's getting the benefit of having the dog plus the extra boost of knowing she's helping a dog that most people would not want. You on the other hand are on the maintenance side of the equation. Not equal at all.

 

I hope you will find a way past your annoyance to help take care of the dog for the next 8 months. It's probably a lot to ask and I can't promise you it will get you any kharma points or make you a nicer person.

 

Just hang on knowing the end is in sight and you may be able retrieve your friendship later on.

 

Best Wishes

[acapelo_dp]

Thanks everyone for responding. I realize I sound selfish but I am not in the point in my life where I want to give up my evenings in my social life to medicate a dog even though I do love dogs. It is not his fault and he deserves the best care - which Jennifer is really good at caring for him and she doesn't mind the responsibility

 

I also realize that she is free to ask and I'm free to say no but I feel guilty if I do say no and have plans. That's why I'm annoyed at the day of asking me - because I feel it's partly my dog as well since I paid for him and didn't speak up enough about my concerns with his medical issues.

 

We are also looking for a third roommate as our other one moved out and I have made all the efforts (making ads, setting up viewings) despite her wanting one as well. Seems lately she doesn't mind us too but that's another financial increase she will complain about in addition to the dogs meds cost that she is covering.

 

I can't move in with my boyfriend yet as he has a roomate and I would feel badly not paying him rent. I usually spend the weekends at his place.

 

I guess I just have to suck it up for the next 8 months.

[stillafool]

You don't have to suck it up. You can communicate to Jennifer the things that are bothering you. People cannot read minds. Find the courage to talk to her and you will feel better.

[acapelo_dp]

You don't have to suck it up. You can communicate to Jennifer the things that are bothering you. People cannot read minds. Find the courage to talk to her and you will feel better.

 

That's true but I feel like it might make our friendship more tense because I initially agreed to get the dog and now I feel resentful but it's partly my fault for not speaking up. Telling her it's her dog (which feels like it is now) might make her feel resentful too. It's also hard because the dog doesn't get along with other dogs so I can't take him to a park or anything. I want a dog in the future I can take on hikes with me and is more independent.

 

I just feel guilty everytime I can't . I'm just not sure how she's going to manage him on her own when I do move out...that's what I'm wondering.

 

I will talk to her about the September weekend though and how I have plans to go away since it's my birthday I have no problem with that.

[Happy Lemming]

Third roommate?? I'm a little confused. Did you sign a lease?? Is she the main leaseholder of the house and sub-lets rooms to people??

[acapelo_dp]

Third roommate?? I'm a little confused. Did you sign a lease?? Is she the main leaseholder of the house and sub-lets rooms to people??

 

No we live in a three bedroom town house that we rent.

[Happy Lemming]

No we live in a three bedroom town house that we rent.

 

And you both signed the lease for the townhouse??

[acapelo_dp]

And you both signed the lease for the townhouse??

 

Yes it ends April 2020.

[Happy Lemming]

Yes it ends April 2020.

 

April is a long ways, away. Is there a clause that allows you to break the lease or a buy out?? In some areas you can pay 2 months rent and break a lease. You might want to check your local tenant/landlord laws and see.

 

I've had to do the roommate thing a couple times in my life, but always signed a month to month lease.

[acapelo_dp]

April is a long ways, away. Is there a clause that allows you to break the lease or a buy out?? In some areas you can pay 2 months rent and break a lease. You might want to check your local tenant/landlord laws and see.

 

I've had to do the roommate thing a couple times in my life, but always signed a month to month lease.

 

Yeah it is a long ways away. Unfortunately I can't break the lease but I could sublet. Jennifer would be very upset though if I did that and I would feel badly letting her live with a random. Plus my boyfriend has a roomate in his house at the moment who is moving out when I plan to move in April so it works out great

 

The dog has started peeing on the floor as well and also crapped in my room the other day all over my laundry so I had to throw a few of my clothes out because they were unsalvagable. It may be because he's getting older but it will be hard to find a new roomate who will deal with this as well. I have to leave my bedroom door shut now when I am not home.

 

The only option is to talk to her about it if the topic comes up. But I have a feeling it will cause more tension in our friendship.

Edited July 25, 2019 by acapelo_dp

[Happy Lemming]

The dog has started peeing on the floor as well and also crapped in my room the other day all over my laundry so I had to throw a few of my clothes out because they were unsalvagable.

 

There comes a point when its not fair to the dog to prolong the dog's life. If he can't control his urine or bowels, then it may be time to put him down.

 

A couple of months ago AARP (magazine) interviewed Dr. Pol (TV Vet) and he said he gets upset with owners that prolong an animal's life too far. It becomes unfair to the animal. Your dog may be getting to that point.

[acapelo_dp]

There comes a point when its not fair to the dog to prolong the dog's life. If he can't control his urine or bowels, then it may be time to put him down.

 

A couple of months ago AARP (magazine) interviewed Dr. Pol (TV Vet) and he said he gets upset with owners that prolong an animal's life too far. It becomes unfair to the animal. Your dog may be getting to that point.

 

 

I agree. Well, he urinates more as a side effect of his meds but only has strated peeing on the floor a few times in the past like two months. He also gets diarrhea on schedule about every 4 weeks. Jennifer said she called the vet and said it's normal for an older dog ..he's seven. But I've never had an older dog that had consistent diahrea on the clock. This started in January.

 

He has a dog food diet and does not eat human food. Haven't changed a thing with his food.

[Happy Lemming]

@acapelo_dp

 

Well its one thing if a dog has an accident, every once in a while, but this seems to be a fairly consistent issue.

 

This is your home, where you live, eat, etc. having it constantly contaminated with animal urine and feces is just unhealthy and gross. Why would your roommate sign up for such an ordeal. A healthy dog is one thing, but one with all of these problems isn't fair to you. I think you have to put your foot down and tell you didn't bargain for this mess when you agreed to get a pet. You assumed it would be healthy and not have major issues. You certainly didn't plan on having your clothing ruined.

 

Also, if the home smells (when you leave) the landlord is going to charge you two for damages. Carpet replacement, extra cleaning, etc. etc. The last time I re-carpeted a house it was $3000 (US) and that was a while ago.

[acapelo_dp]

@acapelo_dp

 

Well its one thing if a dog has an accident, every once in a while, but this seems to be a fairly consistent issue.

 

This is your home, where you live, eat, etc. having it constantly contaminated with animal urine and feces is just unhealthy and gross. Why would your roommate sign up for such an ordeal. A healthy dog is one thing, but one with all of these problems isn't fair to you. I think you have to put your foot down and tell you didn't bargain for this mess when you agreed to get a pet. You assumed it would be healthy and not have major issues. You certainly didn't plan on having your clothing ruined.

 

Also, if the home smells (when you leave) the landlord is going to charge you two for damages. Carpet replacement, extra cleaning, etc. etc. The last time I re-carpeted a house it was $3000 (US) and that was a while ago.

 

Yeah it's strange but it's the past 6 months he has urinated on the floor about four times. It's not a lack of not going outside because he gets plenty of time outside for walks to pee.

He has epilepsy so when he has seizures in the house he urinates and poops but that is out of his control. It was unusual to have him poop in my room. He has done that three times so far as well with his diahrea.

 

He also ate through a garbage bag today and ripped through it which has hasn't done. My roommate already takes him for blood work every 4 months and pays for his meds which she finds time to comment about in a passive aggressive way as well so she won't take him to the vet for anothrr check up until his next blood work. I don't mind pitching in for his food and meds sometimes but I certainly don't want to pay 200 dollars for his bloodwork when I just got out of school and am now working the past two months full time. It's just a lot and I'm not ready for this responsibility financially or otherwise.

[Happy Lemming]

...I'm not ready for this responsibility financially or otherwise.

 

I'm 100% in agreement with you. I really think you need to discuss this with your roommate. There comes a point where you have to put your foot down and tell her this animal is very sick and not what you agreed to when you were approached about getting a pet.

[acapelo_dp]

I'm 100% in agreement with you. I really think you need to discuss this with your roommate. There comes a point where you have to put your foot down and tell her this animal is very sick and not what you agreed to when you were approached about getting a pet.

 

Thanks, I will try my best to have a discussion with her next time we are at home about the dogs condition. I know it will probably cause tension, that's why I'm trying on my end to get a third roommate to kind of have someone else here too to make it a bit less awkward.

[Happy Lemming]

@acapelo_dp

 

As we go through life we learn lessons.

 

I've learned even the best of friends will sometimes have difficulties when they live under the same roof.

 

I've learned I'm not much of a pet person. I tried, didn't like it and never got another pet.

 

I've learned never to sign a long term lease. Even if the landlord wants to charge a premium, I only sign month to month leases.

 

In the end, you have a finite amount of time where you will have to deal with the situation. Although, April is a far ways away, it will get here and you'll move onto the next chapter in your life.

 

Best of luck to you and hope your discussion with your roommate goes well.

[schlumpy]

Buy some pet training pads. They won't solve your problem but they will make cleanup and damage control much easier.

 

Best Wishes

[acapelo_dp]

@acapelo_dp

 

As we go through life we learn lessons.

 

I've learned even the best of friends will sometimes have difficulties when they live under the same roof.

 

I've learned I'm not much of a pet person. I tried, didn't like it and never got another pet.

 

I've learned never to sign a long term lease. Even if the landlord wants to charge a premium, I only sign month to month leases.

 

In the end, you have a finite amount of time where you will have to deal with the situation. Although, April is a far ways away, it will get here and you'll move onto the next chapter in your life.

 

Best of luck to you and hope your discussion with your roommate goes well.

 

Thank you so much, I definitely appreciate the support. I have learned a few lessons from this experience for sure.

[acapelo_dp]

Update: So I did kind of have a talk with her about a month ago regarding the dog. I just said that at this point I'm not ready to have that responsibility and that he is very high maintenance. I did not say this is your responsibility and I won't help but at least I expressed how I feel about the dog situation.

 

However I did watch him all weekend this past weekend as she attended a wedding out of town. My boyfriend and I took him to his parents house in the country where he could be outside and they are away on a cruise so we house sat.

On the Friday night the dog peed and pooped all over the floor,shortly after had a seizure which really upset my boyfriend for him to see followed by pooping again. Despite being outside like five times.

My roommate said she would be home Sunday afternoon so I dropped him off at home made sure he was taken out. Then went to my boyfriend's to enjoy the rest of the day. Half an hour before he is scheduled to take his meds in the evening she calls me and says she is in traffic and won't be home in time to medicate him (this was the evening now at 7pm when she said she would be home in the afternoon). My boyfriend had driven all day and we were in the middle of making dinner and he was driving me home so she could tell I was frustrated over the phone so she found one of our friend close by to do it.

 

I'm just really unhappy living with her right now and I'm avoiding her at all costs. I don't even want to sit and talk to her for even five minutes to catch up. I just have no interest. I am really looking forward to moving out in 7 months but it feels long.

 

I will tell her I definitely won't be looking after the dog for an entire weekend again.

 

This was more of a vent but if anyone has an input I would appreciate it.