Found my biological father - what's next?

[SolG]

I found out I was adopted as a teenager. Despite also finding out the identity of my biological mother at the time, I decided not to pursue the issue and find out more. In fact, I became deeply 'loyal' to my adoptive family and eschewed any need to explore any biological connections.

 

Many years later I decided that I wanted to know more and embarked upon a bit of a quest. Recently I had a DNA test, found a close match in an online database, and further investigation has led to the identification of my biological father to a very high degree of confidence.

 

The rub is he was married when I was born - as was my biological mother, who is now deceased - and still is to the same woman. They have several children, one of whom is almost exactly one year older than me - which adds some context to the infidelity. His W would have been preoccupied with a toddler and a four-month old when I was conceived.

 

Now, they seem very happy. Surrounded by children, grand-children, animals and golf courses. TBH I'm pretty much satisfied with just knowing who he is. I feel curiosity, but don't feel a burning desire to insinuate myself into his life. And I certainly don't want to be a hand grenade thrown into someone's life.

 

I actually feel pretty grateful everyday for the amazing family I was adopted into and could never see any biological connections surpassing that. But at the same time... so much I'd like to know.

 

However, my adoptive family are pretty excited by my discovery. My SIL wants me to just hop on a plane, knock on his front door and introduce myself as his child. My brother is much more circumspect and is happy with whatever I want to do; but is encouraging me to attend a function we know my biological father will be at in November. Just to meet him without disclosing who I am. It's a long way away, and my brother wants to pay for the trip and come with me for support. My adoptive mother - bless her - at 85 doesn't really care what I do as long as I hug her often, eat all her food and discuss everything with her along the way.

 

I'm leaning towards going to the function in November just to see what he's like. Keen to know what you guys think.

[schlumpy]

It all depends on what's in your heart. Is there a burning desire to meet your bio dad that you know will only grow until you act on it? I didn't get the impression that was the case. In fact I found your decision amazingly mature considering what you have discovered.

 

In my opinion I vote no to direct confrontation. If you feel compelled to do this I would write one discreet letter that was to your bio dad with your email address included. In it I would state that I would like to meet but would respect his wishes if he chose not to.

 

Perhaps you might mention wanting to know something about your bio mother. I'll leave that up to you as that may not be a pleasant memory for your father but you certainly could provide a condensed version of your life up to now including your love for the wonderful family that adopted you.

 

Don't give into pressure from your wonderful family. They mean well but their interest is bordering on the emotional drama of two people who have found each other after many years except in your case it's genes instead of love.

 

Whatever you decide good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm leaning towards going to the function in November just to see what he's like. Keen to know what you guys think.

 

Almost sounds like a movie plot (comedy?) with unexpected twists and turns along the way. I'm envisioning a scene where you get trapped in an elevator with your unknowing "person of interest".

 

Of the three obvious choices (confront, ignore, investigate), playing amateur detective would be my least preferred, though I get the attraction.

 

I also empathize with those saying just show up at his door. It was his infidelity setting this wheel in motion, if you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

 

However, there are also many other lives networked and woven into his, all of whom would obviously be affected by the revelation. I'm not sure they deserve the disconnect this would bring.

 

So I guess that leaves me favoring the status quo. As you've said, you were incredibly fortunate to have your "real" family surround you with the loving environment every child needs. I like to think, in your situation, I'd have the grace to be satisfied and content with that.

 

Complex set of circumstances, hope your decision ultimately brings you peace...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited July 24, 2019 by Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

I guess your father is pretty old if your adoptive mother is now 85, so time is of the essence if you want to meet him.

Do not delay, even November may be too late.

[preraph]

I'm afraid I disagree with the blitz approach. This is enough to cause an old person to have a heart attack or stroke, so don't go sneaking up on them. Write them a letter and introduce yourself, send a photo, and let them chew on it a while and then leave it up to then to extend an invitation.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If you've connected to someone and figure out who he is, it's only a matter of time before "they" figure out who you are in similar fashion. I'd write a letter or place a phone call discretely.

[alphamale]

I'm leaning towards going to the function in November just to see what he's like. Keen to know what you guys think.

 

by all means attend the function SolG and take a lot of pics

[Gaeta]

I'm leaning towards going to the function in November just to see what he's like. Keen to know what you guys think.

Would you like your adult bio child approach you incognito? I know I wouldn't like that. Whether you like him or not while incognito, it doesn't change the fact he's your bio father and nothing will change that. You want to meet him or you don't.

[GorillaTheater]

Would you like your adult bio child approach you incognito? I know I wouldn't like that. Whether you like him or not while incognito, it doesn't change the fact he's your bio father and nothing will change that. You want to meet him or you don't.

 

Under the circumstances, I might approach it in an "incognito" kind of way, too. A little bit of recon to try to get a feel for things.

 

I've been approached directly by bio-kids, but my situation is a bit different. These kids are the result of my college sperm-donating days and my family was filled in on the situation. It didn't require the amount of discretion that I suspect this may call for.

[mark clemson]

Wow, a very tricky one SolG. With a wide range of possible reactions. You might be welcomed with open arms as the affair was disclosed and forgiven long ago. Then again there may be an attempt/desire to "sweep you under the rug" or even, if you're seen as a threat, chase you off in no uncertain terms.

 

Think you are aware of all this, but you might really carefully think through again what you're hoping to gain/attain as well as how you might feel and might react to these possible scenarios.

 

One thing to consider would be a discreet and indirectly phrased email or letter specifically to the dad - maybe along the lines of: it might interest you to know I'm the daughter of (bio-mother), conceived around (month/year) and born (month/year). I'm well-established on my own, but was wondering if perhaps you'd like to meet sometime. Would you like to meet?

 

I think the reaction (or lack thereof) to something like this might be telling. IF you decide to do this, suggest you don't send a picture - hopefully that would preserve the option to go to this event you mentioned incognito, should you still wish to do that.

 

Final piece of advice (and I think you already know) is to tread very cautiously here. If the affair was never disclosed, it may be a pretty big landmine to step on.

[Rayce]

I agree with others in writing a letter and see what happens from that. Maybe include some pictures of you at various times in your life. My father was in his 50's when he learned he had a half sister. He was very excited about it. They had a nice pen pal type relationship afterwards right up until his death a few years ago.

[OpenBook]

I'd go, if I were in your shoes. Your brother is so cool to accompany you. And your mom sounds awesome! Whatever you find out about your bio dad, you've already got a strong foundation. It won't shake your tree.

[SolG]

Don't give into pressure from your wonderful family. They mean well but their interest is bordering on the emotional drama of two people who have found each other after many years except in your case it's genes instead of love.

 

Whatever you decide good luck.

 

Thanks schlumpy. It's funny you say that because my SIL literally said, "It'll be fine if you just show up. I've seen this kind of thing on TV." LOL.

 

However, there are also many other lives networked and woven into his, all of whom would obviously be affected by the revelation. I'm not sure they deserve the disconnect this would bring.

 

Complex set of circumstances, hope your decision ultimately brings you peace...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks Mr Lucky. Always appreciate your counsel. And there's actually another person to consider here as well. My bio mother might be dead, but her husband is not. And he believes that he's my bio father. Even thought it's painfully obvious to everyone else just by looking at me and the rest of their children.

 

I actually do keep in touch with my half-sister from that relationship (there's also a half-brother) and my adoptive family know her. We've consciously made a decision not to disclose my discovery to her as it would be unnecessarily hurtful for her dad should he find out.

 

So there's another reason not to go about making this all open.

 

I guess your father is pretty old if your adoptive mother is now 85, so time is of the essence if you want to meet him.

Do not delay, even November may be too late.

 

He's in his 70s, a good ten years younger than my mother. They adopted me relatively late in life. He's also in very good shape from what I've been able to deduce thus far.

 

If you've connected to someone and figure out who he is, it's only a matter of time before "they" figure out who you are in similar fashion.

 

Now this is a bit of a risk. My first close DNA match is a close relative of his. I effectively sent her a message asking if she had a male relative in the location of my conception at the time I was conceived... and viola! She did.

 

She sent me a heap of information including a full family history. It was from that, that I was able to delve further into my other DNA matches on that tree and confirm who my biological father is.

 

I've let her know my history, and that I don't want to interfere in his life. Or even be known to exist. And has indicated that she understands and is supportive of that.

 

However, I obviously have no control should she change her mind and choose to spread the news to her family. While I'm pretty certain she wouldn't go against my wishes, there are no guarantees.

 

by all means attend the function SolG and take a lot of pics

 

Thanks alpha. If I do, I will. To preserve the memory.

 

Under the circumstances, I might approach it in an "incognito" kind of way, too. A little bit of recon to try to get a feel for things.

 

That's definitely what I'm leaning towards. And also the do nothing option. I've already done a lot of online recon. I don't think many folk realise how easy it is to learn a helluva lot about you online.

 

One thing to consider would be a discreet and indirectly phrased email or letter specifically to the dad - maybe along the lines of: it might interest you to know I'm the daughter of (bio-mother), conceived around (month/year) and born (month/year). I'm well-established on my own, but was wondering if perhaps you'd like to meet sometime. Would you like to meet?

 

I did think about this. But what makes me hesitate is that my mother is, and always has been, the designated letter opener. As the one running the household, she always opened everything addressed to anyone! And I know families that still operate that way.

 

I'd hate to send him a letter or email and have his wife open it. Potentially devastating.

 

My father was in his 50's when he learned he had a half sister. He was very excited about it. They had a nice pen pal type relationship afterwards right up until his death a few years ago.

 

This is another option I've considered. Do nothing until he and his wife have passed on, then make contact with the children. But there's nothing to say this too wouldn't be shattering. I'm still thinking on it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

However, I obviously have no control should she change her mind and choose to spread the news to her family. While I'm pretty certain she wouldn't go against my wishes, there are no guarantees.

 

Yeah, I wouldn't be so sure......this is a pretty juicy secret. I recently found out that my adopted cousin (who is now in her fifties) recently found out that she's her mom's (my aunt) half sister and not just some random adopted baby. It's been the topic of conversation with several relatives since then....

 

You also have no control of more relatives signing up for the service and discovering you....new people join every day.

[schlumpy]

Yeah, I wouldn't be so sure......this is a pretty juicy secret. I recently found out that my adopted cousin (who is now in her fifties) recently found out that she's her mom's (my aunt) half sister and not just some random adopted baby.

 

I just can't imagine what that has to feel like. Knowing where you came from is part of the framework that makes up your identity and it's established very early in life. When it's proven false there are a lot of links leading out from that previously established fact that get disrupted. It's a huge mental readjustment.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I just can't imagine what that has to feel like. Knowing where you came from is part of the framework that makes up your identity and it's established very early in life. When it's proven false there are a lot of links leading out from that previously established fact that get disrupted. It's a huge mental readjustment.

 

I can't either. My BIL also recently discovered (though a kit) that his paternal grandfather (who is now deceased) was not his bio grandpa. His dad didn't even want to know at first ("don't ever talk to me about this again") but he has come around. It's gotta be earth-shattering.

[Rayce]

When my xH was in his 30's and his father died his mother announced to the family that their older cousin was really their older brother. My xH went from being the oldest to being a middle child.

 

I think there are secrets like this in all families. I've been doing genealogy research on my own family for close to 30 years. I find it really interesting. Those DNA test are really shaking things up. Lot's of secrets are coming to light. I know people who have found kids and siblings via that route.

[alphamale]

My xH went from being the oldest to being a middle child...

 

 

what a demotion

[Rayce]

 

what a demotion

 

It was really messed up because this cousin/brother was included in most of all of their family things including vacations. He was adopted by his mom's sister and grew up knowing he was adopted but just thought he was orphaned or something along those lines. The parents are all dead now and the kids are really tight as a family so it all worked out.

[mark clemson]

I did think about this. But what makes me hesitate is that my mother is, and always has been, the designated letter opener. As the one running the household, she always opened everything addressed to anyone! And I know families that still operate that way.

 

 

Yes, that sounds plausible and would definitely be a risk.

[preraph]

Send it certified mail. Then it has to go to him.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thanks Mr Lucky. Always appreciate your counsel. And there's actually another person to consider here as well. My bio mother might be dead, but her husband is not. And he believes that he's my bio father. Even thought it's painfully obvious to everyone else just by looking at me and the rest of their children.

 

Interesting twist to an already complicated history.

 

If he thought he was your father, and was married to you bio mother, any idea why they gave you up for adoption ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sunlight72]

Um. SolG, you've probably researched this, but just how accurate is a one-time through-the-mail DNA test? Before blowing up a family and extended family, you might just send in to a different DNA company and see what they say too.

[healing light]

I would ask to connect through the DNA site--recently a genetic testing site informed me that I had a half-brother. No names were attached, just initials, so I messaged them saying that I noticed the site had predicted we had a close genetic relationship and would the person be interested in a conversation. Anyway, turned out it was just my uncle but I share almost the maximum allotment of DNA of an uncle-niece relationship, so the site incorrectly predicted a half-sibling relationship. No hanky panky.

 

If you just approach incognito or show up at the door, you have no idea if his family even knows you exist or how any of them handle drama. I think it's best for your safety and the emotional well-being of everyone involved to present it as a choice to engage.

Edited July 26, 2019 by healing light

[SolG]

I just can't imagine what that has to feel like. Knowing where you came from is part of the framework that makes up your identity and it's established very early in life. When it's proven false there are a lot of links leading out from that previously established fact that get disrupted. It's a huge mental readjustment.

 

Yes it is a big mental shift. It rocked my world a bit when I found out as a teen. I think I'm lucky in that the family sat me down and told me, as opposed to randomly finding out elsewhere.

 

If he thought he was your father, and was married to you bio mother, any idea why they gave you up for adoption ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I do indeed know. It all went down in an expat community overseas.

 

As my mother and brother (who was a teen at the time) tell it, I was an at risk baby because of the infidelity. Apparently when I was born it was very obvious that I wasn't at all physically like the other kids from that union, and there was a lot of gossip and conjecture about my parentage. My bio mum's husband was apparently very cruel to his wife at the time, and also particularly to me.

 

There was apparently one scandalous occurrence where I almost died. After that, my adoptive parents effectively went over there and said if you can't look after that child properly, we will. I was handed over, and they legally adopted me.

 

None of us have any idea why he later became very insistent that he's my bio father. He's also said to my mother that he regrets "giving me away". Who knows... guilt? Just being old, maybe? I can't remember if this was his narrative before his wife died, but he's now wedded to his current position.

 

I recently ran into him at a funeral. He's always rather sheepish when he sees me. I feel sorry for him but eternally grateful that I grew up in my family, and not his.

 

Um. SolG, you've probably researched this, but just how accurate is a one-time through-the-mail DNA test? Before blowing up a family and extended family, you might just send in to a different DNA company and see what they say too.

 

Yep. Two DNA tests now. And cross-checked across databases.

 

My bio father doesn't have DNA results available. But I now have matches with many relatives of his, his father's, and his mother's. I had a genealogist help me out a bit - and she's quite certain I'm on the money.

 

And the kicker on top of the science is the circumstantial evidence. He was in that expat community overseas at the time I was conceived, and none of his other relatives were.

 

I think there are secrets like this in all families. I've been doing genealogy research on my own family for close to 30 years. I find it really interesting. Those DNA test are really shaking things up. Lot's of secrets are coming to light. I know people who have found kids and siblings via that route.

 

There are SO many stories out there about DNA shaking things up. Some of them happy... some of them not so.