Found my biological father - what's next?

[whichwayisup]

I'm afraid I disagree with the blitz approach. This is enough to cause an old person to have a heart attack or stroke, so don't go sneaking up on them. Write them a letter and introduce yourself, send a photo, and let them chew on it a while and then leave it up to then to extend an invitation.

 

I agree. It could very well blow up his world in a bad way if you just show up at his door. This isn't just going to affect him, it's his whole family unit and extended family.

 

A letter is much better and this way you can open up to him and make sure you two are on the same page before meeting.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do indeed know. It all went down in an expat community overseas.

 

As my mother and brother (who was a teen at the time) tell it, I was an at risk baby because of the infidelity. Apparently when I was born it was very obvious that I wasn't at all physically like the other kids from that union, and there was a lot of gossip and conjecture about my parentage. My bio mum's husband was apparently very cruel to his wife at the time, and also particularly to me.

 

There was apparently one scandalous occurrence where I almost died. After that, my adoptive parents effectively went over there and said if you can't look after that child properly, we will. I was handed over, and they legally adopted me.

 

None of us have any idea why he later became very insistent that he's my bio father. He's also said to my mother that he regrets "giving me away". Who knows... guilt? Just being old, maybe? I can't remember if this was his narrative before his wife died, but he's now wedded to his current position.

 

I recently ran into him at a funeral. He's always rather sheepish when he sees me. I feel sorry for him but eternally grateful that I grew up in my family, and not his.

 

Again, all the makings of a movie script.

 

Who do you more look like - Julia Roberts, Selma Hayek or Halle Berry?

 

Mr. Lucky

[alphamale]

Um. SolG, you've probably researched this, but just how accurate is a one-time through-the-mail DNA test? Before blowing up a family and extended family, you might just send in to a different DNA company and see what they say too.

 

sort of like a second opinion Sunlight72?

[SolG]

Again, all the makings of a movie script.

 

Who do you more look like - Julia Roberts, Selma Hayek or Halle Berry?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

More like Halle Berry with a dash of Asian that hasn't aged quite as well; when she played X-Men's Storm now that I'm all silver. Who knows Mr Lucky, maybe some day I'll write a book!

 

I've kinda lost the impetus to go any further now that I'm pretty certain that I know who my bio father is. I was obsessively continuing my research for a while, but stopped about a month ago. My interest has kind of petered out, or perhaps just been suitably and sufficiently addressed.

 

And I recently turned 50, which has made me reflect on a lot of stuff. I've gone half a century without meeting/knowing this man, and life has been fine... Does it really matter so much?

 

So at this point I've decided I'm going to let it go. And I'm feeling comfortable with that decision.

 

Thank you all for your input!

Edited October 16, 2019 by SolG

[Mr. Lucky]

So at this point I've decided I'm going to let it go. And I'm feeling comfortable with that decision.

 

The good news is, you're the only person this has to work for.

 

SolG, on the off chance he reached out to you (he must have access to the same DNA info, right?), would you engage with him ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[SolG]

 

On 10/17/2019 at 3:03 AM, Mr. Lucky said:

 

The good news is, you're the only person this has to work for.

 

SolG, on the off chance he reached out to you (he must have access to the same DNA info, right?), would you engage with him ?

 

Mr. Lucky

Hi Mr Lucky, I would absolutely engage with him if he reached out!

Reopening this thread for thoughts because the pandemic has made me reflect on this a whole lot more lately.

My strong DNA match - biological father's cousin - reached out to me saying that she'd be willing to let him know about me on the down low if I'd like. Then it would be over to him to pursue if he wishes. Because everything in life has become more unstable with COVID-19 and he's not getting any younger.

My adoptive family want me to take this avenue. My adoptive brother has effectively polled the whole freaking family and the consensus is that I should.

While as I've previously expressed in this thread, I'm kind of comfortable with just the knowledge of who my biological father is, I do have to admit there's a part of me saying what if he dies without me ever even trying to connect? Will I deeply regret it?

And an even deeper, darker part of me is saying why risk being rejected all over again? Deeply illogical given it's unlikely he even knows I exist... but this was a big part of my reconciliation with the knowledge of being adopted in the first place. Totally embracing my adoptive family as those who did me right and loved me when my biological parents didn't or couldn't. 

And driving again into those deep areas of my psyche, my biological mother's widower has been messaging me and I'm finding that disturbing. His rejection of me is pretty much why I was adopted - he couldn't accept a child obviously not his and was neglectful and cruel to the infant me, but seems now remorseful. And I've gently rebuffed his advances... Because in actuality I'm really angry with him!

So in essence I've put myself in stasis because I'm angry with my biological mother's widower because he rejected me, and afraid that my biological father will reject me.

Having just written that I'm leaning towards contact with my biological father via his cousin. Thoughts?

 

[glows]

I read through the thread and it seemed you were going to the November event or potentially going to write your biological father a letter. It's been almost two years. Would you still write that letter or have you tried? You seem bogged down by what other people want. Why do you need your cousin to introduce you or anyone else's approval for this? Do reach out if you're still having these thoughts. It's been two years. This is obviously taking up a lot of energy and you've been torn about this for awhile.

Let your biological mother's widower know that you've received his messages but you would appreciate some respect and distance going forward as you're not interested in a relationship with him. If he  said sorry for the past, let it be. You don't need to give him updates about your life or respond to ongoing communication if that is not what you want. I do think it may be important for your letting go and acceptance if you do accept the apology in some form. Why should you let someone else's mistakes and poor behaviour affect the way you think of yourself or haunt you in the later parts of your life? 

 

[SolG]

I did it! I reached out via my DNA match. She's going to let him know about me. And my adoptive brother is on standby to come with me should my biological father want to meet.

Holding my breath and crossing my fingers that I get some kind of response. 

[SolG]

So it has been a little while now. My DNA match second cousin has let me know that she has let my biological father know I exist and am open to - in fact wanting - contact. And nothing. Feeling... Not sure what. Bit dejected, bit rejected, bit relieved, bit still hopeful... Bit confused really. Could do with a pep me up.

[glows]

3 hours ago, SolG said:

So it has been a little while now. My DNA match second cousin has let me know that she has let my biological father know I exist and am open to - in fact wanting - contact. And nothing. Feeling... Not sure what. Bit dejected, bit rejected, bit relieved, bit still hopeful... Bit confused really. Could do with a pep me up.

I'm so sorry. Have you followed up with a call to your second cousin? Why not reach out directly to him and not depend on your second cousin? Did your second cousin tell him face to face or over the phone? What was his reaction?