TheRainbow Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 (edited) My sister in law had been having an emotional affair for nearly a year, and it had turned to a physical affair. Apparently she is denying it was an emotional affair and only had sex two times. Her husband is telling anyone that will hear, and wants a divorce. The catcher... My MIL is saying that my SIL had a good reason. My husband is obviously hurt and angry that his sister is getting a free pass essentially and that they are ****ting all over me. I just told them that his sister was her daughter and I wasn't. I mean what else could I say. I guess I feel a twinge of sympathy in a way because some of the stuff he is saying to her, my husband has never said to me. Edited July 24, 2019 by TheRainbow 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 The Kharma bus has arrived. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 Yeah, double standards are really part-and-parcel of human affairs. So surprising, yes, but certainly not shocking. Must be annoying for you personally, though. C'est la vie... Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 I understand why my mother in law treats me the way she does. We don't know how my SIL husband's family is treating her. They are likely not pleased with her. I do remember back when she asked me what my husband did to make me cheat on him. I wonder if she was asking that to ease her own guilt. Either way I feel really sad for my husband. He's been accused of needing to growing a back bone, that he is foolish for forgiving me, and on and on, but his mother is defending his sister for doing the same thing I had done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 but his mother is defending his sister for doing the same thing I had done. She's either running out of allies or she can't handle hostilities on two fronts. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 Many, many people will choose love over morals when it comes down to it. That includes choosing your family even if they've screwed up. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 For the most part blood is always thicker than water. Apparently being a hypocrite is acceptable to your MIL since now it's her daughter. Of course everyone will see right through it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 I don't dislike my sister in law and I really hope she can overcome this on her own. I know when I got out of denial, it felt so ****ty. But I feel so much better knowing I'm owning what I have done. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 I know when I got out of denial, it felt so ****ty. But I feel so much better knowing I'm owning what I have done. I hope you avoid any inclination to mentor and/or advise her given the overlap in your situations. It will only draw you deeper into family drama. If she approaches you, point her in the direction of professional help for her and her marriage... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 I'm not advising anyone. I'm currently dealing with my own ****. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 Rainbow, with the information provided I would say this is like comparing stealing a candy from a store and a crew robbing the Federal reserve. Her betrayal pales in comparison. Not to mention your husband has always treated you well, while you mentioned her husband is not treating her as well. Cheating is cheating, but there is levels. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 (edited) I'm not denying my betrayal is a lot worse. I'm just pointing out the irony. Cheating is cheating, and my husband is not at fault for me cheating, as my SIL husband isn't at fault for her cheating. I'm sitting here feeling so damn grateful that my husband didn't tell anyone who would listen what a whore I was. Also they don't know the extent to my cheating, and it's possible she has cheated before. All I know is, I'm going to continue to show my husband that his decision to forgive me wasn't a bad choice. Edited July 24, 2019 by TheRainbow 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 I'm not denying my betrayal is a lot worse. I'm just pointing out the irony. It's ironic, but it's consistent insofar as she wants to protect/defend her kids. Right or wrong, she's a mama bear. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 When considering how the MIL is reacting.....with all due respect, your sins are a lot greater than hers. And if her hubby is awful, then perhaps MIL will be hoping this will be the catalyst to remove her from the marriage. I have a good friend who cheated on her horrible husband. She ended up leaving the husband, married the new guy and have now been happy together for nearly 20 years. And for what it's worth, I fully encouraged the affair because I wanted to support her getting out of the marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 (edited) I'm not denying my betrayal is a lot worse. I'm just pointing out the irony. Cheating is cheating... as my SIL husband isn't at fault for her cheating. I'm sitting here feeling so damn grateful that my husband didn't tell anyone who would listen what a whore I was. All I know is, I'm going to continue to show my husband that his decision to forgive me wasn't a bad choice. First off, you have to stop beating yourself up for you A. Forgive yourself first then it is easier to help H. You can shed some light to your SIL, regarding her BH emotions and what is ahead. It is to note MIL is justifying her daughters EA/PA as she is her child. Hopefully MIL can now ease off on you; but I think this is a distraction for MIL. Please be supportive if possible. This will trigger H bring up bad times and mind movies. Keep reassuring him as he finds more about his sister’s plight. He will need your support. Still be mindful of MIL as she may turn this make this about you as well. Big cyber hugs from Australia ���� Edited July 25, 2019 by Buffer Spelling Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted July 25, 2019 Author Share Posted July 25, 2019 I want to reach out to my sister in law. IT's only been a few days, but she apparently isn't taking it well. I don't know all the details, and I know it's her fault but I understand how she feels. I think and I may be wrong that she expected her husband to forgive her. My husband thinks I should take a stand back, and that his sister won't be receptive. But I feel like I want too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 I would wait to see if she comes to you, or maybe your husband could reach out in a few weeks to let her know you are both available to talk to. I just feel if you reach out it could lead to accusations of you trying to 'rub her face in it' as it were, trying to get some kind of payback. If your MIL is being protective it could make things worse for your own position just now. Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 What would you try to accomplish? Make her feel better by showing her you are a bigger sinner than she is. Don't rock your boat while your husband and children are on board with you. Respect his wishes and sensibilities. Just sayin, Twosadthings 3 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 At the very least your husband has an outlet for his bottled up anger for you, his sister. Why is it he is saying things to her that he never said to you? He obviously feels that way. I really believe he is taking out on his sister what he should be discussing with you. Let’s be honest, her husband is divorcing her so why is your husband being so hard on her. She is losing her family, her life is falling apart do to her own actions. Then your husband instead of being a brother to her lashes out at her like he never did with you. Misplaced bottled up anger. Your husband needs individual counseling to deal with this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted July 26, 2019 Author Share Posted July 26, 2019 My husband hasn't really said anything to her. He isn't even really angry about her affair either because in his words it's none of his business. He's upset that his mother is making excuses for her when she is treating him like **** for wanting to stay married to me and for being so angry with me. It's just how he feels. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted July 26, 2019 Author Share Posted July 26, 2019 (edited) Also, I have experienced my husband's anger and hurt. Just because he hadn't called me a w***or a s**, c**, b*** or any of those other demeaning names doesn't mean we hadn't had multiple discussions, arguments etc. about my affair. He is just not naturally an angry person. If there is anyone who is respectful of women it's him. Edited July 26, 2019 by TheRainbow Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 Good Morning Rainbow: Do you have any hobbies? Any interests that allow you to escape the routine of daily living for a short while? My wife who is afflicted with MS began studying painters and painting about 15 years ago. She has quite a catalog she's built up on her laptop of paintings that are categorized into genres and periods of time. It is interesting how a unique artist would appear in history and art would change course for a while until the next new artistic style would appear. It's still like that today but it's easier to see when you are looking at a swath of history. For me it's always been music. I study classical guitar and I play folk guitar. When I'm working new songs I always do it threes so my latest songs to add to my song book are "There ain't no getting over me", "The Streets of London" and "Black is the Color of My True Loves hair." I have to practice every day for at least an hour so I can maintain the callouses on my fingertips. Hobbies are something more then just something to do. They can help give you a center to your life. They can be a real anchor in a storm. A hobby can open up friendships with people you never would have associated with. It can be about your personal growth. I think it's something for you to consider. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 Imagine your two daughters as adults. One is living with a cheater, a guy who has cheated repeatedly and who you think is beneath contempt for hurting your daughter...you tell your daughter to get out whilst she still can... The other daughter tells you her marriage is struggling and she has had an EA/PA with some other guy... What do you do? You try to support both daughters as they are your flesh and blood, their partners may come and go... You certainly do not embrace the guy who cheated on your daughter, that isn't going to happen, is it? Your job is to try to make her see he is no good... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 i am stunned that persons here seriously think that their child is on equal footing with their spouse. let's see, my children are part of me: i helped conceive them, raised them, spent countless dollars on clothes, education, experiences... helped them when they were down, sick, injured and recovering from breakups. listened to their complaints about their spouse... [need i go on]... for at least 18 years ahead of meeting their spouse... so yes, if they cheat, while i will voice my concerns to them and even if they are 100% at fault ---- I WILL ALWAYS CHOSE THEM OVER THEIR SPOUSE. more importantly if their spouse cheats... well if i have to say then we are wasting both our time... Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted July 26, 2019 Author Share Posted July 26, 2019 I understand why his mother hates me. I don't ever think that she should support me on the same level as her own child. My mother who adores my husband would always choose me over him if it came down to it. But that doesn't change that he feels slighted from his mother. In his words, he feels that his mother is sporting a double standard. That she is treating him like crap for wanting to stay married to me while she is making excuses for his sister. I know my mother didn't make excuses or try to blame my husband at all for me cheating. I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
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