Oh the Irony... Blood is really thicker then water.

[elaine567]

Being with a verbally abusive spouse isn't a good reason to cheat tho - it's a good reason to separate and/or divorce. Cheating won't solve the problem, it'll just make it worse (if anything).

 

Yes but cheating is usually a whole lot easier than a divorce.

It usually also fills a need, it is fun and it is an ego boost. Cloud nine.

Divorces are depressing and distressing to all...

 

Divorce vs cheating - cheating usually wins as it is the path of least resistance. As long as the affair remains secret, then it is seen as the better option.

No moving home, no upset kids, no splitting of assets, no emotional turmoil, no aggro...

But people choose the wrong AP, they get involved, they start to envisage a future, they get careless, they get stressed out... until ultimately they get found out...

[mark clemson]

All true, Elaine - why we see so many threads about it here...

[DKT3]

Yeah I think most affairs dont actually happen because it's a better option than divorce, I think most happen because the cheater just wants to cheat and are foolish enough to believe they can 1) get away with it 2) wont have a negative impact on other areas of thier lives. OP is a perfect example of that. Hell she didn't even particularly care for her OM.

 

It's most of the time cake eating its really that simple. All the BS excuses start with getting caught.

[elaine567]

I think yes some do just want to cheat, but I believe many do so as divorce is hard, too hard...

Married women in particular are often stuck in an unfulfilling marriage with a guy sometimes they don't even like but stick around for kids and material gain.

If divorce was easy she would be gone, but it's not, so she cheats instead.

She is usually looking for an easy out. If she finds an OM willing to take her on then bingo! but if not, after DDay she will try to pick up the husband again and reconcile the marriage as divorce is still too hard... and maybe she will still cheat as she is still looking for "the one".

 

I believe many men are just cheaters or perhaps simply not monogamous, there is often nothing catastrophically wrong with their marriage, so divorce is not even an option they consider seriously...

[DKT3]

Oh, I get it. So when women cheat its because she has a bad husband and when men cheat its because he is a bad husband.

[elaine567]

I said nothing about the "quality" of either the BH nor the MM.

 

But women do often cheat to exit, for what is to them, a "bad" marriage and men do often cheat for extra... and have no intention of leaving...

 

It is what it is.

[DKT3]

I'm saying statistically speaking that isnt true. Why? Because they dont leave or divorce while having affairs. In fact studies have shown less then 20 percent of women in affairs leave their marriage. While closer to 50 percent leave when no affair is involved.

 

It's a convenient excuse that isnt really backed up. Oh I cheated because my marriage was bad for a long time. Oddly enough men who come here with that excuse are burned at the stake.

[elaine567]

My guess they don't leave during affairs as the OM they chose to cheat with is not providing a suitable place for her to go...

So she stays put.

The straightforward divorcing woman doesn't need an affair to help her leave.

[schlumpy]

Oh I cheated because my marriage was bad for a long time.

 

What makes this an excuse is that the individual gets to define what a bad marriage is from their point of view.

 

I've known couples I thought were in a bad marriage and they've been going strong while others I would have considered textbook examples of what a marriage should be have crashed and burned.

 

But I was judging their marriages from my own perspective.

 

 

As an excuse it's too ambiguous to hold water.

[TheRainbow]

Now SIL is telling the world her side of the story. She saying that they are incompatible, that her husband is leaning away from voting for republican, he works all the time and is controlling because he doesn't want to spend money or some none sense. That he always wanted to work and didn't spend as much time with her and their kids as she'd like. I just don't get how that justify anything. Just to note I'm Democratic supporter and my husband a Republican supporter. So I just see how that would mean anything. I just hope with time she realizes that it wasn't really her husband's fault she strayed. I know I blamed my husband for not having a back bone when it really was always my own issues that made me do what I do.

Edited August 7, 2019 by TheRainbow

[DKT3]

It doesn't justify anything, as I said before it's just excuses she came up with after being caught. At the most excuses she used to be ok with doing what she was doing.

 

As is the case with most affairs, time will tell if she even believes what she is saying. Using you as an example, when you first started he you had alot of delayed excuses, stuff you said that I think you really believed at the time. As you got farther along you slowly realized those things weren't true.

[TheRainbow]

Using you as an example, when you first started he you had alot of delayed excuses, stuff you said that I think you really believed at the time. As you got farther along you slowly realized those things weren't true.

 

100% I was in denial. I was riddled in guilt and tried to find any reason to mind kind why I was doing what I was doing. But after a seperation that I wanted, that could have really ended up with me losing my husband altogether, I had no choice but to look at myself and realize that I was my own worse enemy and my husband wasn't responsible for any choices I have made. He is only responsible for himself, as am I. In return we are closer then we have ever been.