Oh the Irony... Blood is really thicker then water.

[BettyDraper]

I think it would be best to step away from your in-laws and focus on yourselves for now.

You both have a lot on your shared plate.

 

Your husband cannot control his mother's standards regardless of how unfair they are.

A mother is always going to choose her child over an in law so that is what is happening with both you and your SIL's husband.

[merrmeade]

I understand why his mother hates me. I don't ever think that she should support me on the same level as her own child. My mother who adores my husband would always choose me over him if it came down to it. But that doesn't change that he feels slighted from his mother. In his words, he feels that his mother is sporting a double standard. That she is treating him like crap for wanting to stay married to me while she is making excuses for his sister. I know my mother didn't make excuses or try to blame my husband at all for me cheating. I don't know.

Ahhhhhh. So THIS makes sense. It's more about his relationship with his family of origin. You're HIS wife or maybe he feels you've paid your dues and should be treated on a par with his sister. It's how she's treating HIM by treating you uequally.

 

I agree with others that you both want very much to think that your situation is the same as the sister's because of what she's done. But it isn't the same. The differences in what you each did and for how long matter and make your situation different.

 

I am suspicious of the desire to share with the sister and agree also that it won't help her or anyone else. It will, in fact, confuse and horrify her.

 

Blaming his mother for treating her differently is also not helping you. Rather than getting lost in this effort to create an unwanted equality in your situation and hers, why not continue to work on your own marriage and enriching your relationship with your husband. Dial back to whatever humility and remorse you have felt, and refocus, recalibrate.

 

You will never be the same as you were nor will your husband. You cannot compare yourselves to her situation or anyone else's, and it is distraction to try if not hurtful. Nothing good can come from it.

[merrmeade]

My opinion, for what it's worth, is based on an observation I've been trying to clarify for myself since I discovered my spouse was cheating on me. I started reading the hundreds of stories here and learning about the patterns of behavior of the people affected. One phenomenon that I'm still trying to grasp is what I see you and your husband doing. I saw my husband and my SIL and the two other people I learned had been OWs over the years do this as well. Not sure I've got it yet so that's why all the lead-up:

 

What is bewildering to me is that cheaters think they deserve normalcy without skipping a beat. Or else they think they and their betrayed partners should be able to get back to normalcy immediately. It's the goal. And when they think they have (gotten back to normalcy), they think the past has been erased and they are just like everybody else. They are often defensive, easily offended and expect the same rights of privacy, reputation, respect and loyalty as anyone else. They expect to be forgiven and judge those reluctant to forgive as flawed, vengeful or toxic. They make themselves the arbiters of their rehabilitation and trustworthiness and don't consider that someone else should question, judge or doubt them.

 

It's unbecoming, off-putting, even embarrassing to see.

 

It's not that anyone is playing God or trying to marginalize. That can only happen if you force the issue. No one wants you to flog yourself every night either. But it's another thing to demand equal standing in a club that no one wants to be in.

 

It seems to me that you and your husband feel you've paid your dues which is great. Why not celebrate together. Make it the accomplishment it is. After all, it's about the two of you, isn't it?

[TheRainbow]

I don't feel like I will ever fully make up for how I treated my husband. It's something I'll continue to do everyday for as long as my husband and I are together, which I hope is forever. I don't punish my self as much as I did but I accept that I was a cheater and in the back of his mind there will always be that doubt. All I can do is keeping showing him he made the right decision and keep working on being the best version of myself.

[TheRainbow]

So my sister in law filed for divorce wanting full custody of the kids and a bunch of other stuff. Everyone thought I was selfish when I asked for a separation for wanting some temporary support. It appears she wants to bleed him dry.

Edited July 31, 2019 by TheRainbow

[anika99]

I think you should stop comparing yourself to your sister-in-law and stressing over how your husband's family treats her vs how they treat you. Yes they are being hypocritical but it's not really all that unusual for family members to always side with their own flesh and blood and it's especially common for parents to always choose their children so I think you need to accept that and stop stewing over the differences between how you and your sister-in-law are being treated by your husband's family.

[Normm]

In all fairness it's not a physical affair if they had sex only twice. Three times is the minimum standard and both parties need to achieve orgasm on every occasion or it doesn't count.

[TheRainbow]

Three times is the minimum standard and both parties need to achieve orgasm on every occasion or it doesn't count.

 

I wasn't there. And does it really matter how many? I suspect it is probably more, especially on how much flack she gave me early on when they first found out about my cheating. All this time, at the very least she was having an emotional affair with someone who wasn't her husband. I think that is maybe why this whole thing is on my mind. Because this entire time, she on some level was doing something she wasn't supposed to be doing.

[Normm]

does it really matter how many?

 

 

No.

 

 

.......

[oldtruck]

In all fairness it's not a physical affair if they had sex only twice. Three times is the minimum standard and both parties need to achieve orgasm on every occasion or it doesn't count.

 

There is not such thing as a three time rule. According to you ONS

is not a PA. That is crazy logic.

[oldtruck]

You are the DIL not the daughter. Another example of blood is thicker than

water. Not to pile on you being a WW. You did not do what was right back

then. You are now.

 

So why do you expect your MIL and or SIL to do what is right now?

 

You changed and have recommitted to doing what is right. Not all

WW's do. Not all recommit as your MIL and SIL.

 

What to do. Live your life and ignore them. If they are toxic to your marriage

then remove them from your life as much as you can.

[elaine567]

There is not such thing as a three time rule. According to you ONS

is not a PA. That is crazy logic.

 

I guess sarcasm...

[TheRainbow]

So why do you expect your MIL and or SIL to do what is right now?

 

I don't but my husband expects it.

[elaine567]

Your MIL's aim is to get your husband to see sense and leave you, that is why she is being so hard on him. He is not acting the way she wants him to act.

She may have been equally hard on him had he made a "stupid" career choice or had an addiction or was doing anything that a parent feels is "wrong".

She just wants her little boy to be happy and to her mind he will never be happy as long as he stays with you... a train wreck waiting to happen... It is thus her job to constantly remind him of this.

 

His sister is a separate issue all together.

[Asw27]

There is not such thing as a three time rule. According to you ONS

is not a PA. That is crazy logic.

 

That was the point of (sarcasm in) the post. It's the "cheater logic" that we hear so often: "it was only once and we didn't finish", "we only kissed twice", etc., etc.

[oldtruck]

That was the point of (sarcasm in) the post. It's the "cheater logic" that we hear so often: "it was only once and we didn't finish", "we only kissed twice", etc., etc.

 

Those are not logic.

Those are WS's trickle truthing, putting an spin on things, minimizing,

deflecting, doing damage control.

 

In other words lying. For after all why not because the BS cannot prove

those are lies, even when their gut knows it.

 

And, from years reading about affairs the gut is never wrong.

[DKT3]

That's because cheaters are predictable, if you've paid close attention or kept good mental records the cheating itself should not be that unexpected. Humans are creatures of habit, and no matter how hard one works to change themselves, once pushed very hard we revert back to what makes us most comfortable.

 

Cheater logic is a manifestation of that, and also the reason why no one who has ever been cheated on, that was actually in tune with the WS should be truly shocked once the bolt that hit you subsides.

 

Cheaters logic didn't start with them actually cheating, but was present throughout the relationship, cheating is simply the apex of this behavior not the behavior as a whole.

[TheRainbow]

Humans are creatures of habit, and no matter how hard one works to change themselves, once pushed very hard we revert back to what makes us most comfortable.

 

So you are basically saying cheaters will always be cheaters?

 

Because having low self-esteem and cheating is not comfortable. Now that I'm living authentically, it is a lot more fulfilling, comfortable and I don't have any desire to go back to the woman I was.

[DKT3]

The behavior that lead you to cheat is what you wont likely change. The cheating itself you can easily stop and maybe even never do again...that mindset that allowed you to justify it and be ok with it is still there and will always be there. Sure you can modify it, control it better but it's still baseline. Kinda like your core values. No matter what we as humans do to change ourselves we never go far from our core values its what's comfortable.

[schlumpy]

That's because cheaters are predictable, if you've paid close attention or kept good mental records the cheating itself should not be that unexpected. Humans are creatures of habit, and no matter how hard one works to change themselves, once pushed very hard we revert back to what makes us most comfortable.

 

Cheater logic is a manifestation of that, and also the reason why no one who has ever been cheated on, that was actually in tune with the WS should be truly shocked once the bolt that hit you subsides.

 

Cheaters logic didn't start with them actually cheating, but was present throughout the relationship, cheating is simply the apex of this behavior not the behavior as a whole.

 

I always have a mixed reaction when I read your posts DK. I'm always interested because they are very informative and you go right to the quick. Then I feel a twinge of sorrow because it's obvious that your knowledge was gained from first hand experience and for that I am truly sorry.

 

Best Wishes

[schlumpy]

Rainbow:

 

Do you have a garden at your new home?

 

I don't grow much any longer. I did grow some pumpkins one year and that was interesting. This year I have two lonely cherry tomato plants that wait each day for me to water them. It's been quite dry these last five weeks.

 

I was at the neighbors yesterday. They are from Morocco. They have a garden but instead of nice neat rows its just one tangled bush. They asked me If I wanted some tomatoes or cucumbers and then proceeded to stick their hands in the bush. Out they came with some perfectly good looking vegetables.

 

They are an odd couple by American standards. She's taller then he is and although they get along well you never see any affection between them such as in how they look at one another or how close they get. They are very communal and I always get along with them fine.

 

I hope things are joyful with you and your family and that you will be making some good memories for yourself with the rest of this summer. Remember that it will never come again.

 

Best Wishes

[DKT3]

I always have a mixed reaction when I read your posts DK. I'm always interested because they are very informative and you go right to the quick. Then I feel a twinge of sorrow because it's obvious that your knowledge was gained from first hand experience and for that I am truly sorry.

 

Best Wishes

 

Not really. It's a combination of my educational background and my wife's affair. I'm type A, so I have an unquenchable desire to understand that which impacts my life. My wife's affair was a pretty tame one in comparison with most we read about here. Dont get me wrong it was still painful but.....

[Springsummer]

Also, I have experienced my husband's anger and hurt. Just because he hadn't called me a w***or a s**, c**, b*** or any of those other demeaning names doesn't mean we hadn't had multiple discussions, arguments etc. about my affair. He is just not naturally an angry person. If there is anyone who is respectful of women it's him.

 

So, maybe your sister in law indeed has good reasons to cheat, like your MIL said, while you didn't have any good reason to cheat?

 

If this is the case, then that isn't much irony here.

[mark clemson]

So, maybe your sister in law indeed has good reasons to cheat, like your MIL said, while you didn't have any good reason to cheat?

 

If this is the case, then that isn't much irony here.

 

 

Being with a verbally abusive spouse isn't a good reason to cheat tho - it's a good reason to separate and/or divorce. Cheating won't solve the problem, it'll just make it worse (if anything).

[TheRainbow]

So, maybe your sister in law indeed has good reasons to cheat, like your MIL said, while you didn't have any good reason to cheat?

 

If this is the case, then that isn't much irony here.

 

I mean if her marriage is that bad, divorce is a great choice. Either way, the state we both live in is a no-fault state so infidelity either way won't have an effect on her divorce. I know they both have decent-paying jobs so at this point, it looks like it's going to be a pretty rough divorce.

 

When I seperated, I wasn't out for blood, or for a fight. But I also didn't hate my husband and he clearly didn't hate me. So I don't know. I'm just glad I'm not her and my marriage is better then ever.

Edited August 6, 2019 by TheRainbow