BaileyB Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 (edited) The concern he voiced to me last week was that his cousin is nosy and he doesn’t want us to run into him in a common area. The cousin may tell his wife, and he wouldn’t want that. The risk that he would see someone he knows hiking or at the concert is small. It’s fine to go out and enjoy those activities. But, he wants you to stay hidden from his cousin lest he learn the truth and tell his wife. Did you read the link above? It talks about the draw of the other woman for the husband, and how this wife couldn’t compete with the “excitement” and “adventure” that the affair provided for her husband. What does he get out of this - a companion, an ego boost, sex, someone to entertain him when he is bored, lonely, stressed, unhappy... You see his “attention” as “love.” When in truth, it’s so many things... and, if you take th cynical view, it’s all about him and what he wants. And, that’s not love. Edited July 31, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 He is rewarding you for accepting the role of his hidden toy. Start pressuring him to leave his wife or to pay attention to you when it's not convenient and he will punish you by withdrawing. He is teaching you to always be fun and compliant and pleasing to hI'm. Also he would like to enjoy some hot sex when he visits so this is your foreplay. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 He hasn’t brought it up again and has definitely made plans for us to be together for Friday. I don’t know why the change, or why he has spent hours communicating and giving me a lot of affectionate attention... He's addicted to how the affair makes him feel, just like you. Also, sometimes he's just bored and wanting human connection. Sometimes I wonder if you are asking this question over and over so that someone will say, "Because he loves you too much to let you go!" But while both of you surely have loving feelings toward each other, neither of you are acting in a loving manner. Love doesn't bring out your worst side. Love doesn't require secrecy. Love doesn't involve harming others. Love doesn't risk the marriage and family that one of you wants to maintain. If texting all day means that you are in love with someone, then I guess I'm in love with my girlfriends whom I chat with all day. If having sex with someone means you are in love with them, then I guess every one-night-stand and toxic relationship is true love. This guy is not a prize, and we know that from his actions. As soon as my husband of 10 years turned out to be a lame cheater, he ceased to be worthy of a relationship with me. Lucky for him, since we had kids I gave him a chance to become worthy of me. That didn't involve me wondering what his actions meant and hoping we could have conversations about my needs, if I just played my cards right and didn't scare him off. MM is not going to start treating you like a prize just because you hang in there. You have to treat yourself like one first. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 (edited) Indeed. You are a vacation from his real life. Start to put some expectations on him, and watch his interest wane. You exist as the other woman only to meet his needs, to soothe his soul, to boost his ego. And the more you write, the more it is apparent that you are using him in much the same way, to do the same for you. This is why you are not willing to him go... It is why you try so hard to validate this relationship, to assign meaning to his every action or any bit of attention he pays to you... Edited July 31, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 Also he would like to enjoy some hot sex when he visits so this is your foreplay. As they say, if a man wants to have sex that night, it starts with a kiss out the door in the morning. It starts by doing the dishes after dinner... this is foreplay for a woman. He is texting you and paying attention because it feels fun and exciting for him... and it gets you in the mood to have sex with him when he sees you Friday. He will be front of mind, you will be thinking about him and ready to welcome him into your arms and into your bed. That’s not likely to happen if he doesn’t text you or talk to you all week. It also doesn’t happen if he tells you about life with his family and/or that he has had sex with his wife on Saturday, Monday, and Wednesday. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 No, you are not a support system or an escape for him. He just has you believing that to keep you hooked on him. You are just his dirty little secret, his hook-up when he is away from his family, and he is laughing because he has everything, the best of both worlds. He has his cozy family life, and another woman on the side. You are nothing more than a hook-up when he is not with his family. You can't trust anything he says because all he does is lie. I feel you are blinded by your love for him and can't see beyond him. You will never be a priority and he was ever forced to choose, he would not choose you. He has cleverly got you sucked right in so you can't see the reality. Another point to make about being someone's escape is that he wants the life he is escaping from. He has said so very clearly, and demonstrated it. You may choose the drug that takes you away from your life because you are too weak to say no, but that doesn't mean it's healthy. It doesn't make the drug noble. This isn't "I love you too much to let you go." This is "I don't love you enough to let you go." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 He’s not traveling with his cousin per se- different flights and will not share a car but will be at same hotel. The concern he voiced to me last week was that his cousin is nosy and he doesn’t want us to run into him in a common area. He hasn’t brought it up again and has definitely made plans for us to be together for Friday. I don’t know why the change, or why he has spent hours communicating and giving me a lot of affectionate attention... Foreplay, he wants you to be ready for sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 (edited) I don’t know why the change, or why he has spent hours communicating and giving me a lot of affectionate attention... He is buttering you up, greasing the skids. In other words, he is getting the warm up out of the way so all his face time with you will be spent, not wasted on lowering your defenses, but being 'up close and personal' so he can maximize his own gratification. Worst of all, you give him permission to treat you this way...showing utter lack of regard for your needs, feelings, or ultimately your desire. You are trading the most valuable, vulnerable part of yourself to be treated as a ragdoll. He is practically stomping all over your hopes (a future LTR); your compliance sends the message, "Ok but you'll give me what I want later, right?" And his actions say, "Uh yeah sure. Now quit talking. It's ME time!" And I think you know what I mean by me time...sorry, but hoping my bluntness helps you see truth. Please realize your descent as a respectable lady (i.e. wife material) has long been underway and his disrespect for you will quickly pick up pace. His only remaining challenge is to see how far you will degrade yourself (all in the name of 'supposedly' love). Edited July 31, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 (edited) Op, if you are brave enough... Next time you see him, tell him you don't feel like having sex (and I mean none--no sexual gratification at all). Follow through on that no sex during the whole visit. Tell him you would prefer to just cuddle. Offer no explanation. When he demands to know why, just keep repeating it's just how you're feeling. Observe carefully his reactions. Edited July 31, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 His only remaining challenge is to see how far you will degrade yourself (all in the name of 'supposedly' love). Yes. Be careful of being the "Insanely good f*ck" You can get carried away trying to outdo the wife by being wilder and wilder in the bedroom to please him. BUT often the MM would never dream of asking his wife to do the stuff he gets his OW to do. He may respect her too much. This is not the road to his heart, this is the road to be used. We had an OW on here pretty upset when she found her MM was having sex with his wife. She thought she was the provider of the great sex, the sexy siren he couldn't live without. She was wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 He’s got you addicted to the cycle now. Phase One - Pull. He reaches out to set up a meet. (Always him because this entire relationship is now on his terms.) You’re in heaven. He’s wooing you. You can’t wait. The anticipation feels like a high beyond anything you’ve experienced. Phase Two - Meet. The moment arrives, and you’re ecstatic - though you’re also on edge. You’re waiting to see how he behaves. You’re observing his words and and actions to see if there’s any change, or what that means for the future. You’re counting each moment together as though it could be your last. Phase Three - Push. You watch as the guilt hits him, sometimes when you’re still there. He creates distance, either through his words or increasing distance between communication. You feel so low. You wonder if you can do this anymore...and just then, the cycle repeats. Oh wow @sagamore, this post is so SO spot on. I hope the OP can read that and digest it as it will never end until she stops it. I am sure I myself was guilty of this same cycle, but it rings so true to my experience. Before I better understood what was happening as the A was ending I allowed this cycle to control me and keep me stuck. It made me feel so inadequate. I’m not, it’s just the nature of these horrible As. I wish I had realized it sooner and gotten myself out. Link to post Share on other sites
karmaisabitotch Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 So I am doing my best to be supportive of MM as he works on his marriage and family, and yes, spend time with him when we mutually agree to do so. It feels like a new phase in our relationship- but one where we are being more transparent with each other. Maybe it’s a slow fade to friendship or even limited contact- maybe it’s just another chapter in a lifelong story - I don’t know. asaysno, please do not meet him again, dear! And don't be friend with him either. He's not worth it. You need to start taking care of yourself, your family. You don't need to support him in anyway. Cut all the contact, don't contact him. If you don't want to block him, then please ignore all his messages, phone calls. Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 How’s it going, A? How was the visit? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 What’s the latest? Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 He is in town for three weeks. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go but in the days leading up to his visit he was extremely communicative and was making all sorts of plans for us. We are one week in to the visit at this point- hanging out and having fun in between a lot of work obligations. We’ve talked some- although a lot of that had to do with my relationship with my exH and how exH perceives MM, etc. I wasn’t sure what to expect this time since in our time together several weeks ago he didn’t seem all that happy. This time though he is having fun and wants to spend time with me every day, so I’m taking it day by day and not worrying too much about the rest at this point. Will all this bite me in the ass later? Maybe, at least emotionally. For now I’m enjoying the summer fun, the time with MM and our friends, time with my kid, etc... Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Are you being intimate? Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 (edited) Will all this bite me in the ass later? Maybe, at least emotionally. For now I’m enjoying the summer fun, the time with MM and our friends, time with my kid, etc... I'm not sure why but this stuck out to me. Do your friends know that he just recommitted to his marriage? I'm asking because there's no way my friends would sit there and pretend that what this guy is doing to you and his wife is perfectly ok. Look, if you're content being the OW, do your thing. Just get comfy with your place in his life because he's not leaving what he's got back home. You do know that now, don't you? Edited August 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 There are two or three people who know the whole story, but most friends and colleagues are not aware of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Well of course he's all happy on this trip. His OW has agreed to stay in her place. Every day is a trip to the Infidelity Bakery for all-you-can-eat cake! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Oh wow... so it’s all peachy because you have three weeks with him. But be careful - after the work is finished I hope you have absolutely no expectations. You aren’t willing to ask any hard questions. You avoid the tough conversations... the ones that would draw a boundary and have a guideline about him respecting you. You won’t get respect from anyone when you have no requirements for decency. He will use you = because YOU keep allowing it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 I don't really see MM is using OP, he's laid everything out for her and she's making fully informed decisions. OP, what's happened to his cousin? Has he introduced you to him or is he trying to avoid him if you are together? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Will all this bite me in the ass later? Maybe, at least emotionally. I rarely try to guess the future with any certainty, but no, not "maybe"... You are perfectly happy to assist this guy with the charade of betraying his wife while pretending to reinvest in his marriage. Why? It meets your needs at the moment, from what you say. Is that reason enough? I think you will never want to be with him long term. You might think that now, but if the reality ever comes, you almost certainly won't. You will know what he is capable of. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 (edited) All this happy, clappy, "live for the moment" FWB/OW stuff would be fine if the OP had not given herself away at the beginning as being a woman desperate to make this affair into something "real"... Now she is accepting stale breadcrumbs and calling them cake... Edited August 8, 2019 by elaine567 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 9, 2019 Share Posted August 9, 2019 (edited) There are two or three people who know the whole story, but most friends and colleagues are not aware of the situation. Boy, will they be surprised when they learn the truth... The two of you have really created this “fantasy life” together. It reminds me of the Cheers episode when Eddie Lebec is run over by the zamboni. Carla meets his “other wife” at the funeral. Her husband had been living another life, of which she was completely unaware... I hope your son is not spending time with this man. It’s one thing to be involved with this man, it’s another thing entirely to involve your son in this delusional fantasy. Please know, asaysno, I say this with a heavy heart because you are going to be so hurt by this relationship. It scares me to think of how you will recover, when this ends. Edited August 9, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lov3foo1 Posted August 9, 2019 Share Posted August 9, 2019 Reading this thread (and the original thread) is like watching someone driving high-speed into an active volcano. The crowd is screaming at the driver to stop, and the driver is going “oh but I might just survive this, no one knows for sure that I’ll burn and die.” OP can I ask why you’re still posting here? It seems originally you were here looking for advice, and now you’re bent on ignoring what people are saying and are determined to live in denial. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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