Next Chapter - MM & Me

[karmaisabitotch]

Will all this bite me in the ass later? Maybe, at least emotionally. For now I’m enjoying the summer fun, the time with MM and our friends, time with my kid, etc...

 

 

oh boy, it won't bite you in the ass later but it will cut you deep in the core that you can't imagine unless you're brain dead.

 

 

 

Dear, you are so hooked in this affair and got lost in it and you don't even realize how much pain you're gonna cause not only for yourself but also your loved ones not to mention your MM's wife.

[BaileyB]

Dear, you don't even realize how much pain you're gonna cause not only for yourself but also your loved ones not to mention your MM's wife.

 

Sadly, she has heard it all in this and another thread, and she has decided to ignore every warning. His wife is inconsequential - her pain, and the pain of her child, does not matter. Asaysno has chosen to live in denial, focusing only on the fact that she wants to enjoy the summer fun.

 

It is very much like watching someone drive headfirst into a brick wall, all the while trying to convince everyone that although it may hurt when she hits the wall, she will deal with the consequences as they come...

[finna]

I don't really see MM is using OP, he's laid everything out for her and she's making fully informed decisions.

 

OP, what's happened to his cousin? Has he introduced you to him or is he trying to avoid him if you are together?

 

I have met his cousin several times before- we have worked on a couple of projects together and are on friendly terms. During the past week there have been several dinners and social gatherings where we were all there. MM has decided that me staying with him at the hotel is an acceptable risk.

[S2B]

Why are you being such a weak and powerless woman with this man who is married to someone?

 

He has decided it is acceptable.... come on - I’m worried for you.

 

He is going to hurt you so badly - and you just worship the ground he walks on.

 

This is a guy who is willing to betray his wife and family - he can’t be someone you rely on.

[Amethyst68]

I have met his cousin several times before- we have worked on a couple of projects together and are on friendly terms. During the past week there have been several dinners and social gatherings where we were all there. MM has decided that me staying with him at the hotel is an acceptable risk.

 

Why do I get the feeling you wouldn't object to being caught so you're not putting too much (if any) argument about staying...

[BaileyB]

Why do I get the feeling you wouldn't object to being caught...

 

It seems to me that both of you want to get caught, because the risks you are taking are silly...

 

Asaysno has no reason not to be caught, and everything to gain. If the wife finds out, again, she may well decide to kick this cheating husband to the curb which would suit OP just fine...

[heartwhole2]

You started seeing an IC, right? I hope you are going regularly and really taking the time to develop your sense of self, your ability to self-soothe, your boundaries, etc.

 

We've talked this over a million times, but your MM is just not good IRL relationship material, if there is such a thing. He's not interested in your well-being. He doesn't respect you by thinking of what's best for you. He's hot and cold. He's getting more invested in his marriage, not less. If we are reading the tea leaves, the tea leaves are not saying, "A healthy, IRL relationship is right around the corner." They're saying that heart-break is coming. The question is just how and when.

 

If you came here and said, "I'm fine with getting my jollies and the moral implications don't bother me and who wants a committed, open relationship anyway," then I would find that distasteful, but at least it would be honest. If you don't value integrity, what can I say? But that's not what you're saying. What you're saying is that you are so attached to this man, to the idea of him, that you can't function without him. You're saying that your panic response to the idea of losing him is so strong that you can't do what you know is right and healthy. You're saying, "But do you guys think X means that maybe he's really into me?"

 

Yeah, he's into you. He likes you enough to have an affair with you sometimes, on his terms, when he's not too invested in his marriage or feeling too guilty. That's all. That's not love. That's not health. That's not something that is going to feed your soul and change the world.

 

Asaysno, I really wish you would love yourself more than this.

[pepperbird]

The more I hear about this guy, the less I think the OP is the only person he is seeing on the side. Maybe the op is okay with that. Maybe being in the "affair box" is enough for her and meets her needs. I don't know. It's just hard to reconcile the person who wrote the first post in this thread with someone who is okay being in an affair over the long term.

 

I can also see her actively trying to square being the ow away with her own values system. She's kind of doing it, but I predict that won't last. Sooner or later, it's going to be the elephant in the room she is going to have to face.

[BaileyB]

Asaysno, I really wish you would love yourself more than this.

 

Don’t we all... Dear asaysno, please know this is the truth.

[whichwayisup]

Sadly I guess you're going to have your heart broken a few more times before you end things once and for all with him. You're far from rock bottom.

[Tristian]

Thread reopened after review. Those that are still here should tread lightly with their replies.

[S2B]

I have met his cousin several times before- we have worked on a couple of projects together and are on friendly terms. During the past week there have been several dinners and social gatherings where we were all there. MM has decided that me staying with him at the hotel is an acceptable risk.

 

Does his cousin know you are the OW?

 

MM has decided... ? why is he deciding anything for you?

 

Aren’t you capable of deciding things for yourself? He shouldn’t be deciding anything for you. You need a new therapist. One that will be straight with you.

[finna]

Being single, there is little to no threat to me if anyone “finds out”. The risks for MM is much greater so he sometimes has to make decisions that may affect both of us, and I support that especially when he thinks through things carefully. Plus it was his room to invite me to or not as he wished, just as it was my house to invite him to on several nights when I had the place to myself.

[S2B]

You give him too much of your power.

 

How old are you?

[Starswillshine]

Being single, there is little to no threat to me if anyone “finds out”..

 

Gently, you are thinking too narrow. There is a lot of risks that come with you being exposed. First, his wife, her family, etc, you have NO idea how they would react. Then there is the job aspect. I know you believe that it would not be an issue, but given all the travel the two of you do, they will most certainly look heavily into it to make sure there isnt misuse of company funds. Also, this speaks to your ethics. And some companies will believe people who act in this manner may act in unethical manner within business which could cause them harm. You and he become a liability to the company. Add in if the wife finds out and goes to some place of business to confront him OR you. That would cause HUGE embarrassment to the company.

 

You think small in your little bubble, but there are so many negative consequences for these actions.

[finna]

Gently, you are thinking too narrow. There is a lot of risks that come with you being exposed. First, his wife, her family, etc, you have NO idea how they would react. Add in if the wife finds out and goes to some place of business to confront him OR you. That would cause HUGE embarrassment to the company.

 

You think small in your little bubble, but there are so many negative consequences for these actions.

 

I appreciate the concern and pointing out the risks. His wife and family are over five thousand miles away... it is very unlikely that if she did find out that there would be any encounters. She could tell the world on social media or something, but I don’t use it much and have it locked down anyway. So yes, there are potential risks and consequences, but far more for him than me.

[PhoenixRising8]

A gentle reminder that just because you don’t use social media doesn’t mean family, friends and work colleagues don’t. A determined spouse is capable of breaching your circle/privacy and shaming you beyond your wildest imagination. You are hell bent and determined to continue this liaison and minimizing impact of discovery to the point that nothing anyone points out will enlighten you to see it any differently. Proceed on your path at your own peril and good luck. Maybe not in the short term, but at some point you will need all the luck you can get.

[BTDT2012]

What LKK says is absolutely true.

[LivingWaterPlease]

It is staggering to me to read that you think being single you have nothing to lose.

 

What about your reputation? Does it matter to you at all?

[S2B]

As long as you keep your eyes wide open and realize you are being used (voluntarily by you) and abused... my hope for you is that you expect absolutely nothing from him... because that’s the ONLY way you can avoid being constantly disappointed.

 

Good luck dear.

[Allupinnit]

I appreciate the concern and pointing out the risks. His wife and family are over five thousand miles away... it is very unlikely that if she did find out that there would be any encounters. She could tell the world on social media or something, but I don’t use it much and have it locked down anyway. So yes, there are potential risks and consequences, but far more for him than me.

 

All it takes is for her to find a phone number and google you and find out who you are, addresses, possible relatives, etc.

 

But it honestly it doesn't sound like you care much if she did.

[elaine567]

The wife already knows who she is, the wife only has to put two and two together one day to make four.

[darkbloom]

Asayano,

 

You are hurting my soul. You are worth so much more than the breadcrumbs MM is giving you. I know there’s nothing I can say to convince you, but the time is now to end it. I know you think you can’t live without him in your life but you can. You want a relationship that he can’t and won’t give you. You are a square peg trying to forever alter yourself to fit in a round hole.

 

I know you think because his wife lives far away that she can’t hurt you but that’s absolutely not true. She can ruin your reputation forever with a phone call and stroke of the keyboard.

 

We will be here for you either way, but as a former OW with no judgement- please hear me.

[finna]

I truly appreciate everyone’s heartfelt concern. To be honest it is hard to feel like I’m getting breadcrumbs right now as we have spent so much time together recently... nearly a month... and since he’s been home he has been very helpful and attentive... I know that may not last.

[lana-banana]

"Very helpful and attentive"? That's what you think of someone who texts and calls? He's with his wife and family. He's not leaving them, as he's confirmed to you previously. When he tried to break it off with you, you said you wanted to be a discreet partner. So that's all you have. Your relationship is about having fun and being secret lovers.

 

I think part of the reason this thread raises so much ire is because you're so deep in denial about the basic realities of your situation. You keep insisting that you're somehow on the path to a legitimate relationship even when you've moved in the exact opposite direction over time (remember in the beginning he said he'd leave his wife in June? Now he's told you he has no intention of leaving and would be fine being friends, but you offered him NSA sex on top of that).

 

There is also the insistence that this whole thing is having no impact on your child, that you won't get caught or it doesn't matter if you did, and that your employer wouldn't be bothered in the slightest. There are, according to you, zero consequences for your behavior so you should just keep on doing it. You are effectively downing tubs of chocolate ice cream around the clock and insisting you won't gain weight, or drinking vodka for breakfast and reassuring us you're fine. Sure, you can keep up the illusion for a while, but it's not reality.

 

The truth will catch up with you eventually. And I don't mean a D-day truth, I mean the truth that this man doesn't consider you a priority in his life, and not worthy of a legitimate relationship. What will you do when you have to face that truth?