Author finna Posted August 29, 2019 Author Share Posted August 29, 2019 When your friends and family ask who you’re seeing do you tell them you are the other woman to a married man? People generally do not ask that question as I have always been a private person. A few friends know of the situation, as do my parents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted August 29, 2019 Author Share Posted August 29, 2019 You control the vacillating though. If you’re thinking you’ll feel like staying away from MM everyday and not missing him consistently, I have news for you. You’re using him as a crutch because you don’t want to do your life without him. You’ll come up with any excuse to avoid the pain of having to break it off and face your life without him as your soft landing. You are right in that I don’t want to do life without him. I very much want to do life with him. During the times that we do get to do life together it feels like the icing on the cake of life. I am an independent successful person in my career, with my friends, as a mom, now also doing pretty well with coparenting and communication with exH. That base is solid. What I get out of my relationship with MM is love, support, and appreciation, as well as a lot of very fun times. Yes, of course there is a flip side to that which is the crappy part of all this for everybody. Yes, even him... when we parted on Sunday he was emotional and told me how much it hurt to leave me. He has never said that before and I am not using that as a sign of anything other than he is also emotionally invested- it doesn’t indicate any “promises”. He talked about how torn he is with how to spend his time between me, his family, and his job... he loves and feels obligated to all three of those things. When he was here he repeatedly said how much he wishes we’d met ten years ago so that there would have potentially been a clear and free path for us. So yes, we have ourselves in a messy situation that neither one of us know quite how to navigate. We love each other and want to spend time together. He doesn’t want to hurt me or his family (whom of course he also loves). Our jobs are high priorities. It’s wonderful and it sucks big time. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 Words, without the corresponding actions, are meaningless. Your MM knows that he can put you on the shelf, and take you down to play with when it is convenient for him. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 when we parted on Sunday he was emotional and told me how much it hurt to leave me. He has never said that before and I am not using that as a sign of anything other than he is also emotionally invested- it doesn’t indicate any “promises”. He talked about how torn he is with how to spend his time between me, his family, and his job... he loves and feels obligated to all three of those things. When he was here he repeatedly said how much he wishes we’d met ten years ago so that there would have potentially been a clear and free path for us. So yes, we have ourselves in a messy situation that neither one of us know quite how to navigate. We love each other and want to spend time together. He doesn’t want to hurt me or his family (whom of course he also loves). Our jobs are high priorities. It’s wonderful and it sucks big time. He is letting you know the situation is becoming more uncomfortable for him. This should be a red flag to you that he could soon end your R. Though he would surely miss you, he may be very relieved to be out of the R with you so that he can focus solely on his family. While it would take time to adjust to life without you, he probably realizes once he does that he can get his life back. It seems to me you're able to have your fun times with him while closing your eyes to his feelings of conflict about his family. So when you're together, you're not experiencing the same thing. For you, it's pure bliss. For him, it's bliss, but not pure bliss as there are nagging feelings (his conscience) that disturb the time with you. He is probably doing his best to compartmentalize but he's still having the struggling of the two R's overlapping. And although he may share this with you sometimes, he most probably doesn't share it with you all the time because it would disturb your time together to face it together. This last post from you seems to me to be the most dire of any you've posted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 He doesn’t want to hurt me or his family (whom of course he also loves). Our jobs are high priorities. It’s wonderful and it sucks big time. Hrs already hurting his family and his actions certainly don't show love. Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 (edited) I am an independent successful person in my career, with my friends, as a mom, now also doing pretty well with coparenting and communication with exH. That base is solid. He said he loves you, but not enough to leave his wife. If we had met 10 years earlier is MM speak for I love you but I already chose a different path and it’s not you. Edited August 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 It makes me sad because you are heading for major heartbreak, but you are so blinded by what you feel for him that you cant see it. You're just sitting in a fake bubble and the longer it goes on the worse it will be. You're not listening to anything anyone is saying here and everyone is trying to help you. He will never be yours in the way that you want. Sure you feel satisfied enough with the way it is for now, but that wont last. You will eventually start resenting the fact that he goes home and sleeps with his wife and that you will never be his priority. You will eventually want more and that's when he will drop you. MM know how to work the OW. They know what to say and do to keep them invested. But it's not real. This is what your MM is doing. It's not real. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 MM know how to work the OW. They know what to say and do to keep them invested. But it's not real. This is what your MM is doing. It's not real. Not to be harsh or nasty but it's important to remember that OP has been as much, if not more a driving force in this affair. Not all affairs are led by the MM. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 Not to be harsh or nasty but it's important to remember that OP has been as much, if not more a driving force in this affair. Not all affairs are led by the MM. Yeah i totally agree. She is completely deluded. Many have warned her about what she is doing to his family and her own child, but she doesn't seem to care. She's in a daydream right now that no-one can snap her out of. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted August 31, 2019 Author Share Posted August 31, 2019 (edited) Not to be harsh or nasty but it's important to remember that OP has been as much, if not more a driving force in this affair. Not all affairs are led by the MM. In the beginning I think he was taking much more of a lead, but now it is both of us. While I have documented many of *my* thoughts and actions here, one thing that has been consistent is that if he doesn’t hear from me for about half a day he initiates a lot of contact and spends hours communicating when he has my attention. There have been a few exceptions to this such as when he was on vacation but for the most part I think he begins to miss me and want to reaffirm our connection. It’s not a matter of if I back off from my usual pattern of interaction with him that he just lets me go. I own my part in this, but he has a starring role as well. Edited August 31, 2019 by asaysno Spelling Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 My MM did the same thing. Most often, I let him initiate contact even though between 6 AM and 7 PM I was at liberty to call him anytime and I had no restriction on texting, even on weekends. So that means nothing other than they want to keep you engaged. Read my new thread to get some further insights on the MM modus operandi. My MM never wavered that he was ultimately leaving. It was a question of when, not if. Yours hasn't done that. He actually told you he is working on his marriage. But he likes having his work wife. That's the reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted August 31, 2019 Author Share Posted August 31, 2019 Yes- I think they are as susceptible to the push/pull dynamic as anyone... we back off and they pursue... I have been more observant of this in action lately. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 You missed my point to some extent. You are on a dead end street, the scenery may be pleasing now but MM has yet to let you know about the bulldozer thats coming along to. wreck it all. Well he has to some degree by telling you he is working on his marriage but he loves you too so you hold on hoping the bulldozer won't wreck it all. The conflict MM are notorious for is double speak for I want my cake and eat it too. Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 Of course MM wants to reaffirm the connection. He knows he has to put in the work so to speak to keep you hooked. I still can’t believe you are glossing over the fact that he recommitted to his wife and got new rings. If there was a chance before, that sealed the deal that he isn’t leaving. I will reiterate, his choice has nothing to do with you. MM’s life is too comfortable and he has his child to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 asaysno, when I read your posts, all I can think is that you are thinking, "Well, if I stick it out maybe one day he will want me enough to leave. Maybe if I keep making him happy he will choose me." I hope I am wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 asaysno, when I read your posts, all I can think is that you are thinking, "Well, if I stick it out maybe one day he will want me enough to leave. Maybe if I keep making him happy he will choose me. That is exactly it, and like 99% of the OWs on here they are stuck "waiting", until they cannot "wait" any longer... He WILL leave... Um... no. If you want to "date" a MM with a view to making it permanent, make sure he doesn't have kids or he is 50+ as these guys don't leave. They have too much to lose. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 (edited) Yes, Asaysno, what do you think about the new rings and recommitment to his marriage? What does that mean to you? What does it say to you? Do you see it as a ruse on his part to keep his wife quiet and satisfied? Or do you see it as genuine on his part? Does it affect how you view your relationship with him? Edited September 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator rude Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted September 1, 2019 Author Share Posted September 1, 2019 I don’t ignore anything. I don’t always address every single comment, especially if I’ve answered something similar... but I read and consider everything. Regarding his ring, it hurts like hell when I see it. However, I chose to see if it meant anything to him with regard to his actions toward me. Seemingly not- he has not behaved any different wearing it versus not. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 My take on it, asaysno, is that you are too emotionally attached to look at things objectively. I mean, that's true of all affairs, right? I don't know how one rationally looks at a person offering you an affair and thinks, "Yup, this seems like it will probably work out well." I do laud you for sharing your perspective with strangers and allowing some cognitive dissonance to take place when how you feel/what you desire and what is really happening don't match up. That shows me that ultimately you want to live in reality and not fantasy. But I don't think you're ready to give up your attachment yet, and if we said, "Yup, I think MM is just conflicted because your bond is so amazing and you should stay in the affair while it's 'meeting your needs'" you would say, "I knew it! Thank you!" and the cognitive dissonance would abate a little. But the truth is that there are too many problems with this scenario beyond whom he loves more. And those problems won't go away in any scenario that I can imagine, including him leaving his marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted September 1, 2019 Author Share Posted September 1, 2019 Can you expand on what you mean by problems in the scenario? Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 Can you expand on what you mean by problems in the scenario? The distance, each of your character flaws, using the workplace to conduct an affair, the souring of any chance BW would co-parent amicably with you, his not being that into you (as evidenced by his multiple attempts to pull back, his asking to just be friends, his recommitment to his marriage), your lack of healthy boundaries and self-esteem He is definitely attached to you, but it's not a healthy attachment, and it's unlikely to overcome all the obstacles to a monogamous relationship for you two. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted September 14, 2019 Author Share Posted September 14, 2019 MM was on holiday this week. In the two weeks between us spending a month together and him leaving for vaca, he spent a lot of time with me... generally six to twelve hours a day of texting and a couple of phone calls. I was surprised but appreciated the attention. We had a few serious discussions but mostly goofed off and had fun. I fully expected he would be LC or NC this week, similar to earlier this summer when he was with family. Nope, still making time and checking in when he can... sometimes ten times a day. On top of that, he is back to initiating the ILY’s, saying good morning and good night every day and talking about all the things he wants to do together in the future. I’m enjoying this but also remaining wary. There is a chance I might see him in about two weeks and if that happens we will be having an in-person discussion about where we are at. If not then, I see him for sure in a month. It feels like he has again done a mental flip-flop so I want to know what’s going on from his perspective. I realize this may be nothing or it could be that he will flop again (and again) before things settle out. I do feel like I have taken back some power and am in a bit of a healthier place by continuing to spend time with my son, with friends, and a lot of time alone with my hobbies, as well as focusing on a big new work project. I have been affectionate and fun with MM and have made it easy for him to contact me, but I respond when I have time and feel like it. My feelings for him are still intense but I feel like I have a lot more control over the situation from my perspective. I miss him but I rarely feel that addictive pining that I know is not healthy. I’m not sure whether his change in behavior is due to my shift or coincidental, but it feels good that a bit more of this is on my terms. Little steps and keep moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 So he still isn't leaving? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 OP - I don’t mean to be the pessimist, but you are just on the “high” point of the roller coaster, ready to crest to the next point of disappointment. When you say you have serious discussions, what do you discuss? Future plans? What does this look like? I take from all of your updates that you are good perpetually being the other woman. I imagine if you pressed him, you’d get another wake up call. It pains me as I would be stuck in the same cycle with my xMM if I’d allowed that. We were also long distance. “Checking In” 10 times a day is nothing. It wasn’t for me either. It was all a fantasy farce. Don’t focus on what he does via text while you are separated. Focus on what he does to make you a permanent part of his life that isn’t secret. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 The threat of of a DDay is gone so he’s back to the ILYs and right back to where you were at the very beginning of your first thread. You’re still responding which means you don’t have any power over it. You’re also still waiting for 2 weeks when you can spend time together. This isn’t living. It’s clock watching. I think we both know that he isn’t leaving. You don’t recommit with new rings and vows and then leave for your OW. It would destroy his reputation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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