Amethyst68 Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 MM was on holiday this week. In the two weeks between us spending a month together and him leaving for vaca, he spent a lot of time with me... generally six to twelve hours a day of texting and a couple of phone calls. I was surprised but appreciated the attention. We had a few serious discussions but mostly goofed off and had fun. I fully expected he would be LC or NC this week, similar to earlier this summer when he was with family. Nope, still making time and checking in when he can... sometimes ten times a day. I still don't understand how it's possible to do the above and be the hard-working, dedicated and involved father you insist this man is? Something would have to suffer and I doubt it's his work! This is a man who barely sees his son with all the work travel he does, it's beyond sad he's not making the most of the time he sees his son. Forgive me if this has already been explained but how much of all this work traveling is actually needed? You insist both of you can work remotely so how many unnecessary (or extended) business trips does he take that once again removes him from his son. What do you think your face to face discussion is going to prove? You've already committed to staying in the affair for another 1.5yrs (even if he's not aware of this) so what are you going to demand? Some vague plan for leaving his wife, his family or a firm date and plan? Even though the plan and date are sure to constantly change as time progress and each deadline missed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 OP - I don’t mean to be the pessimist, but you are just on the “high” point of the roller coaster, ready to crest to the next point of disappointment. I would suggest that she is actually at the “low” point of this ride, separated for a significant time while he enjoys yet another vacation with his family. In an attempt to feel some kind of reassurance, she clings to texts messages that are inflated to mean more than they are - standard procedure for a married man trying to keep his affair partner interested while they are separated for an extended period of time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 It’s never going to be about what YOU want - he’s selfish - it’s always about him. Oh there's definitely equal degrees of selfishness going on here. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 You deserve so much better. Does she though? She has inserted herself into this man's marriage and continues to volunteer to be his OW. She identified a good thing and went for it... After a bit of a setback, she is now getting her fix again and all is hunky dory and going to plan. Back on track... He WILL leave his wife and child, they WILL be together, she is doing her best to make him 100% hers... Any fall out or comeback later will be deserved as she is perfectly aware of what she is doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 I agree with Elaine. She knows the damage she is contributing to and she doesn't care as long as she gets him. He will never be hers though and she's heading for a world of hurt AGAIN, but, again she doesn't care because she's only thinking about herself rather than what she is doing to others. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 He will never make it 100% relationship. It’s not what he wants. Of course not. Men usually end up with two lovers because neither woman is really "enough" for him on her own. That is why the OW situation is usually so dire, for anyone who sees herself taking over from the wife. The MM needs both women, he derives benefit from both, usually in different ways. He doesn't want to be stuck with a woman who only ticks some of his boxes...he's got one of those already... Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 The MM needs both women, he derives benefit from both, usually in different ways. No the MM wants both women! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 No the MM wants both women! Ok I take your point he doesn't need to have two women, he wants to have two women, but I was using need as meaning he "needs" them for his well being. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 A, With respect, I think your time reporting is largely suspect. Someone who is in another place and frequently texting you isn’t spending hours with you. It takes just a few seconds to text, slip your phone back into your pocket and keep on keeping on. So while it may be flattering that he’s texting frequently and squeezed in a couple of calls,, he sure that you see them for what they are. Otherwise, you are deluding yourself. As for the ILYs. Easy to say, less easy to prove. Proving it means being a stand up partner. He is not. I sincerely hope you get some strength and perspective. This man is using you badly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 simply put, you're lying to us. not intentionally, but you are. even worse, you're lying to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 You're going to ask him where you're at? I'm genuinely curious, what do you think the options are? Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted September 15, 2019 Author Share Posted September 15, 2019 Options for me: 1. Status quo - no decision is a decision 2. Modify or end the relationship Options for him include the above as well as making the decision to divorce, with then further decisions on whether he would be with me, be single, or pursue something else entirely. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 He's not going to divorce. That's never an option for them from the beginning. Mm never divorce and never leave their wife. They say they will but when it comes down to it there are always excuses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 I believe the time for him leaving is gone. You managed to panic him up to the cliff edge, but he didn't jump. Now he has retreated back to safe ground far inland... he will stay as far away from that cliff edge as he can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 Nothing has changed between the last time you had this conversation and now that would indicate that you will get a different response. The time for him to leave is long gone. Sure, he thought about leaving... but, he chose his family. He is where he wants to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 Why bother to have that conversation? Clarity? Because you've already told us and him that you will be the side piece. So what decisions are there to make? Or are you rethinking that? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 She does not want to rock the boat, she is being the "best" she can be so that one day he will go "asaysno, you are so wonderful, clever, fun and sexy that I want to divorce my wife and marry you..." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted September 15, 2019 Author Share Posted September 15, 2019 Why bother to have that conversation? Clarity? Because you've already told us and him that you will be the side piece. So what decisions are there to make? Or are you rethinking that? I’m always thinking about my options. As I mentioned, the opportunity to see each other may be quite diminished beginning in about four months. It’s one thing to spend about 30-50% of our time together despite being long distance - quite another situation to see each other for a week once or two once a quarter. We need to talk about how we are going to handle those changes. It’s not something I want to discuss over text or a phone call. I want to know how he feels about and will share my thoughts as well and we will go from there. I appreciate everyone who has offered thoughtful comments. For those that love being snarky about my situation - save the thread space. I am doing the best I can and come here as part of my support. I don’t expect people to personally condone or agree or support my situation and I do appreciate when responses are constructive and helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 It may not matter to him at all if you only see each other for a week or two, once a quarter. He is obviously in a different situation, where you are not his primary relationship. Whether he sees you 30% of the time or for a week or two once a quarter likely doesn’t matter to him as much as it does to you, as he likely doesn’t count the days until you are together again in the same way you do. No doubt, he will enjoy seeing you when you are together - but it will be more like a holiday for him, not real life. If that’s acceptable to you, carry on. If I had money to bet, this affair will fizzle out with time... the distance becoming more of a barrier, you will have to accept the reality of the situation at some point. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 I’m always thinking about my options. As I mentioned, the opportunity to see each other may be quite diminished beginning in about four months. It’s one thing to spend about 30-50% of our time together despite being long distance - quite another situation to see each other for a week once or two once a quarter. We need to talk about how we are going to handle those changes. It’s not something I want to discuss over text or a phone call. I want to know how he feels about and will share my thoughts as well and we will go from there. I appreciate everyone who has offered thoughtful comments. For those that love being snarky about my situation - save the thread space. I am doing the best I can and come here as part of my support. I don’t expect people to personally condone or agree or support my situation and I do appreciate when responses are constructive and helpful. What do you hope to accomplish from talking to him in person about those changes? I want you to go beyond the fuzzy statements about “hearing his feelings” or “discussing where we’re at.” I want to ask you to define for yourself concretely: (1) what you need to hear; and (2) why it’s important you hear it in person. I also think you should answer this question: how likely, from 1-100%, do you think he is to leave the marriage? I save the question of whether he leaves and then enters a relationship with you. I just want to know for now how likely you believe it is that he leaves at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 Asayano, Talking to him in person is a fool’s errand. I will repeat it again, MM who recommit to their wives with new vows and rings DO NOT leave them. There is too much at stake for him to leave no matter how much he tells you he loves you and he’s miserable in his marriage. I know you are holding out hope and doing the pick me, pick me dance but it’s never going to be a reality. You asking him for a conversation to discuss where you’re at and how he feels is like cutting your arm directly open and pouring salt into it. You will forever be analyzing what he says and what you hope he means and doing mental gymnastics to make it fit the outcome you’re hoping for. You are going to prolong this extra marital dance because you refuse to look at his actions and keep believing his words. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 (edited) Talking to him in person is a fool’s errand. I agree. Furthermore, it makes you look needy and desperate. The last time you thought your travel was going to be reduced, you had the same discussion. And, what was the result of that discussion? He pulled back and tried to end your relationship. You then effectively renegotiated your relationship - with him recommitting to his wife and you accepting the role of “other woman.” So now, travel is going to be limited and your time together may be decreasing which makes you think, it’s time to talk and get some kind of reassurance from him. But, what makes you think his response will be any different than the last time? He has already given you his answer. Edited September 16, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 asaysno, answer honestly, how does it make you feel knowing that when he is not with you he is at home sleeping with his wife? Surely you cant spend your life like this. No sane person could live being the bit on the side that he picks up when it is convenient then drops before he goes back home to his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 I can understand a bit where the OP is coming from. We all want to see and believe the best about someone we love. | the thing is this guy has proven he can't be trusted. I know his wife and kids don;t really matter tot he OP, but she should take note of his actions. He bought his wife new rings and recommitted to her. He did all of that,yet he's still cheating on her. It's really disturbing to see what lengths he will go to and continue to lie.He goes home, tells her he loves her, shares a bed with her, probably gossips about work mates with her, all the while, he's sleeping with one of them and carrying on an almost second life when he's away. What on god's green earth makes the op think she can trust him? He's showing her, right to her face, what he's capable of. there's more red flags here than in the whole of China. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 Where are you with IC, asaysno? Link to post Share on other sites
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