Next Chapter - MM & Me

[pepperbird]

simply put, you're lying to us. not intentionally, but you are. even worse, you're lying to yourself.

[heartwhole2]

You're going to ask him where you're at? I'm genuinely curious, what do you think the options are?

[finna]

Options for me:

1. Status quo - no decision is a decision

2. Modify or end the relationship

 

Options for him include the above as well as making the decision to divorce, with then further decisions on whether he would be with me, be single, or pursue something else entirely.

[Maddie82]

He's not going to divorce. That's never an option for them from the beginning. Mm never divorce and never leave their wife. They say they will but when it comes down to it there are always excuses.

[elaine567]

I believe the time for him leaving is gone.

You managed to panic him up to the cliff edge, but he didn't jump.

Now he has retreated back to safe ground far inland... he will stay as far away from that cliff edge as he can.

[BaileyB]

Nothing has changed between the last time you had this conversation and now that would indicate that you will get a different response.

 

The time for him to leave is long gone. Sure, he thought about leaving... but, he chose his family. He is where he wants to be.

[Crazelnut]

Why bother to have that conversation? Clarity? Because you've already told us and him that you will be the side piece. So what decisions are there to make? Or are you rethinking that?

[elaine567]

She does not want to rock the boat, she is being the "best" she can be so that one day he will go "asaysno, you are so wonderful, clever, fun and sexy that I want to divorce my wife and marry you..."

[finna]

Why bother to have that conversation? Clarity? Because you've already told us and him that you will be the side piece. So what decisions are there to make? Or are you rethinking that?

 

I’m always thinking about my options. As I mentioned, the opportunity to see each other may be quite diminished beginning in about four months. It’s one thing to spend about 30-50% of our time together despite being long distance - quite another situation to see each other for a week once or two once a quarter.

 

We need to talk about how we are going to handle those changes. It’s not something I want to discuss over text or a phone call. I want to know how he feels about and will share my thoughts as well and we will go from there.

 

I appreciate everyone who has offered thoughtful comments. For those that love being snarky about my situation - save the thread space. I am doing the best I can and come here as part of my support. I don’t expect people to personally condone or agree or support my situation and I do appreciate when responses are constructive and helpful.

[BaileyB]

It may not matter to him at all if you only see each other for a week or two, once a quarter. He is obviously in a different situation, where you are not his primary relationship. Whether he sees you 30% of the time or for a week or two once a quarter likely doesn’t matter to him as much as it does to you, as he likely doesn’t count the days until you are together again in the same way you do. No doubt, he will enjoy seeing you when you are together - but it will be more like a holiday for him, not real life.

 

If that’s acceptable to you, carry on. If I had money to bet, this affair will fizzle out with time... the distance becoming more of a barrier, you will have to accept the reality of the situation at some point.

[sagamore]

I’m always thinking about my options. As I mentioned, the opportunity to see each other may be quite diminished beginning in about four months. It’s one thing to spend about 30-50% of our time together despite being long distance - quite another situation to see each other for a week once or two once a quarter.

 

We need to talk about how we are going to handle those changes. It’s not something I want to discuss over text or a phone call. I want to know how he feels about and will share my thoughts as well and we will go from there.

 

I appreciate everyone who has offered thoughtful comments. For those that love being snarky about my situation - save the thread space. I am doing the best I can and come here as part of my support. I don’t expect people to personally condone or agree or support my situation and I do appreciate when responses are constructive and helpful.

 

What do you hope to accomplish from talking to him in person about those changes? I want you to go beyond the fuzzy statements about “hearing his feelings” or “discussing where we’re at.” I want to ask you to define for yourself concretely: (1) what you need to hear; and (2) why it’s important you hear it in person.

 

I also think you should answer this question: how likely, from 1-100%, do you think he is to leave the marriage? I save the question of whether he leaves and then enters a relationship with you. I just want to know for now how likely you believe it is that he leaves at all.

[S2B]

Options for me:

1. Status quo - no decision is a decision

2. Modify or end the relationship

 

Options for him include the above as well as making the decision to divorce, with then further decisions on whether he would be with me, be single, or pursue something else entirely.

 

But he’s never going to end his marriage! So why would you even think to include that “option”. If he was going to leave it would have been while that door opened and he had to make that decision back then. He made it - he chose to stay with his wife.

 

You are causing harm to an entire family by sleeping with a married man and stealing time and energy that could be spent with his family.

 

You’re not asking the right question. The question is “are you planning to stay with him on this limited basis”? Do you plan to be his OW k owing fully well he’s never divorcing her?

 

Unfortunately I think your answer will be yes.

[darkbloom]

Asayano,

 

Talking to him in person is a fool’s errand. I will repeat it again, MM who recommit to their wives with new vows and rings DO NOT leave them. There is too much at stake for him to leave no matter how much he tells you he loves you and he’s miserable in his marriage. I know you are holding out hope and doing the pick me, pick me dance but it’s never going to be a reality. You asking him for a conversation to discuss where you’re at and how he feels is like cutting your arm directly open and pouring salt into it. You will forever be analyzing what he says and what you hope he means and doing mental gymnastics to make it fit the outcome you’re hoping for. You are going to prolong this extra marital dance because you refuse to look at his actions and keep believing his words.

 

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

[BaileyB]

Talking to him in person is a fool’s errand.

 

I agree. Furthermore, it makes you look needy and desperate.

 

The last time you thought your travel was going to be reduced, you had the same discussion. And, what was the result of that discussion? He pulled back and tried to end your relationship. You then effectively renegotiated your relationship - with him recommitting to his wife and you accepting the role of “other woman.”

 

So now, travel is going to be limited and your time together may be decreasing which makes you think, it’s time to talk and get some kind of reassurance from him. But, what makes you think his response will be any different than the last time? He has already given you his answer.

Edited September 16, 2019 by BaileyB

[S2B]

His wife isn’t ever leaving him and he’s made is crystal clear he isn’t leaving her!

 

What makes you think you need to have ANY talk with him?

 

He placed you in the FAR corner a while back = to keep you quiet and to make you behave!

 

So that’s what you do IF you still want to continue being his after thought.

 

He will see you when it’s convenient for HIM!

 

 

That is the ONLY thing you need to understand! That and he doesn’t care nearly as much as you do - that is why HE holds ALL of your power.

 

God I hope you change it all soon.

[Maddie82]

asaysno, answer honestly, how does it make you feel knowing that when he is not with you he is at home sleeping with his wife? Surely you cant spend your life like this. No sane person could live being the bit on the side that he picks up when it is convenient then drops before he goes back home to his wife.

[pepperbird]

I can understand a bit where the OP is coming from. We all want to see and believe the best about someone we love.

|

the thing is this guy has proven he can't be trusted. I know his wife and kids don;t really matter tot he OP, but she should take note of his actions.

 

He bought his wife new rings and recommitted to her. He did all of that,yet he's still cheating on her. It's really disturbing to see what lengths he will go to and continue to lie.He goes home, tells her he loves her, shares a bed with her, probably gossips about work mates with her, all the while, he's sleeping with one of them and carrying on an almost second life when he's away.

 

What on god's green earth makes the op think she can trust him? He's showing her, right to her face, what he's capable of. there's more red flags here than in the whole of China.

[heartwhole2]

Where are you with IC, asaysno?

[Starswillshine]

 

What on god's green earth makes the op think she can trust him? He's showing her, right to her face, what he's capable of. there's more red flags here than in the whole of China.

 

I dont get what she likes about this man? Why she wants him? And why on green earth would she ever want a real future with this man?

[elaine567]

He's fun, sexy and excellent husband/father material, if you discount the cheating, but he only does that because his wife is such a bad match for him.

Give him a proper woman like the OP, then he would have no need to cheat, would he?

[BettyDraper]

He's fun, sexy and excellent husband/father material, if you discount the cheating, but he only does that because his wife is such a bad match for him.

Give him a proper woman like the OP, then he would have no need to cheat, would he?

 

Are we certain that the wife is a bad match? MMs love to trash their wives to their affair partners.

Edited September 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LivingWaterPlease]

He's fun, sexy and excellent husband/father material, if you discount the cheating, but he only does that because his wife is such a bad match for him.

Give him a proper woman like the OP, then he would have no need to cheat, would he?

 

Are we certain that the wife is a bad match? MMs love to trash their wives to their affair partners.

 

Thinking it was tongue-in-cheek...

Edited September 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

What on god's green earth makes the op think she can trust him? He's showing her, right to her face, what he's capable of. there's more red flags here than in the whole of China.

 

Lol. That made me laugh... I could not agree more.

 

That’s the thing - all this drama over a man who if he hit on me at the bar and I knew he was a workaholic, a married man with a child who was clearly looking for an opportunity to cheat on his wife... well, I would politely decline and never give it a second thought! Those are automatic dealbreakers in my book - do not pass go and do not collect $100...

Edited September 16, 2019 by BaileyB

[heartwhole2]

I think it's a mistake to expect him to have any self-awareness, intention, or plan regarding your relationship.

 

My take on it is that like many people, he feels guilty about cheating. That's why he vilified his wife and got so swept up in things he decided to leave in June. He had to convince himself that his marriage was suffocating in order to sully it. Then he realized he was going to screw up his whole life for an impractical relationship with someone who promised to be no better than his wife (because his relationship has died because *he* doesn't water it, not because your grass is more fertile than hers), so he backed out and tried to break up with you. Then you suggested the discrete lovers thing and he was like, OK, just so we're clear, here's my new wedding ring and my renewed vows, but sure, let's have fun as lovers. And then you read into every little text and choice to have sex with you when he's thousands of miles away from his wife (when his choice is sex or no sex).

 

 

 

And you hope these actions speak of intention and love that will last a lifetime and a bond like no other. You have confirmation bias -- the hope that his actions mean all of those things, so you read everything he does in the best light possible. Instead of treating the fact that he's married like a huge turn-off and deal-breaker, you use it to excuse why he is only a mediocre, hot and cold boyfriend. If your girlfriend got excited because the guy she was seriously dating texted her 8 times in one day, would you say, "No way! 8 times in one day? Wow, he must be totally in love you with you!"

 

Meanwhile, while he is letting the grass of his marriage turn brown from neglect, are you letting the grass of your own social life turn brown? Is anyone else texting you 8 times a day?

[S2B]

He’s never changing things when he gets BOTH women with no consequences.

 

If you decide to keep seeing/sleeping with him - also decide that you will NEVER have any discussion with him about changing things!

 

If you do - he will certainly penalize you again to serve his point to you.

 

Stop thinking you need to talk about it - it’s done. You be his OW by staying completely quiet or you leave the relationship. Those are your ONLY two options!