Starswillshine Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 What on god's green earth makes the op think she can trust him? He's showing her, right to her face, what he's capable of. there's more red flags here than in the whole of China. I dont get what she likes about this man? Why she wants him? And why on green earth would she ever want a real future with this man? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 He's fun, sexy and excellent husband/father material, if you discount the cheating, but he only does that because his wife is such a bad match for him. Give him a proper woman like the OP, then he would have no need to cheat, would he? Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 (edited) He's fun, sexy and excellent husband/father material, if you discount the cheating, but he only does that because his wife is such a bad match for him. Give him a proper woman like the OP, then he would have no need to cheat, would he? Are we certain that the wife is a bad match? MMs love to trash their wives to their affair partners. Edited September 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 (edited) He's fun, sexy and excellent husband/father material, if you discount the cheating, but he only does that because his wife is such a bad match for him. Give him a proper woman like the OP, then he would have no need to cheat, would he? Are we certain that the wife is a bad match? MMs love to trash their wives to their affair partners. Thinking it was tongue-in-cheek... Edited September 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 (edited) What on god's green earth makes the op think she can trust him? He's showing her, right to her face, what he's capable of. there's more red flags here than in the whole of China. Lol. That made me laugh... I could not agree more. That’s the thing - all this drama over a man who if he hit on me at the bar and I knew he was a workaholic, a married man with a child who was clearly looking for an opportunity to cheat on his wife... well, I would politely decline and never give it a second thought! Those are automatic dealbreakers in my book - do not pass go and do not collect $100... Edited September 16, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 I think it's a mistake to expect him to have any self-awareness, intention, or plan regarding your relationship. My take on it is that like many people, he feels guilty about cheating. That's why he vilified his wife and got so swept up in things he decided to leave in June. He had to convince himself that his marriage was suffocating in order to sully it. Then he realized he was going to screw up his whole life for an impractical relationship with someone who promised to be no better than his wife (because his relationship has died because *he* doesn't water it, not because your grass is more fertile than hers), so he backed out and tried to break up with you. Then you suggested the discrete lovers thing and he was like, OK, just so we're clear, here's my new wedding ring and my renewed vows, but sure, let's have fun as lovers. And then you read into every little text and choice to have sex with you when he's thousands of miles away from his wife (when his choice is sex or no sex). And you hope these actions speak of intention and love that will last a lifetime and a bond like no other. You have confirmation bias -- the hope that his actions mean all of those things, so you read everything he does in the best light possible. Instead of treating the fact that he's married like a huge turn-off and deal-breaker, you use it to excuse why he is only a mediocre, hot and cold boyfriend. If your girlfriend got excited because the guy she was seriously dating texted her 8 times in one day, would you say, "No way! 8 times in one day? Wow, he must be totally in love you with you!" Meanwhile, while he is letting the grass of his marriage turn brown from neglect, are you letting the grass of your own social life turn brown? Is anyone else texting you 8 times a day? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted September 18, 2019 Share Posted September 18, 2019 Your best chance of being with him has already passed. When he attempted to break up with you over the summer, you should have walked away and let him live with the consequences without you. The fact that you stuck around as a door mat and he never had to live without you, sealed the deal. You are forever the OW and he’s not going to see it any different, no matter how many face to face conversations you have. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted October 6, 2019 Author Share Posted October 6, 2019 So I took everyone’s advice and did not have any sort of talk about the future when we met up. That part aside - it was a fantastic week. He had very busy workdays and we met up in the evening to relax and hang out. Over the weekend we stayed at a mountain lodge and he cooked and we watched movies and spent time with friends and generally just enjoyed being together. I don’t know what may happen next. He has gone home and I may or may not see him for a while as at least one opportunity where we would have been in the same place on business has been cancelled. No matter what happens though or how this turns out in the end, I can say that the time we spent together last week is one of those times I will always remember with a smile. Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 Spending the weekend with him was not exactly the advice that anyone on this board gave you. Getting in deeper always makes it harder when it comes to an end. Just trying to protect your heart a little bit before it gets completely broken but I don’t think you want that. You’re making memories with him so you have something to keep you warm when he’s back home with his family. And you are home alone with these memories and no future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted October 6, 2019 Author Share Posted October 6, 2019 (edited) Nope - the advice was don’t bother talking with him about the future because it would make me look needy and desperate and was a worthless endeavor. So I didn’t. Now comes a time of being very busy with new work projects and several hobbies and getting in shape for ski season and spending time with friends and maybe a trip or two. It’s not like I’m sitting at home waiting for him to show up from nine time zones away. Not that I would protest if he did. We still talk every day and yes I miss him very much. I’ve never been with anyone where we can have so much fun and feel content just to be in the same room or going for a walk or other simple pleasures. It’s been almost a year now - we’ve spent over 100 days together - and I realize that the time perhaps complicates things further, but I also know our feelings are not just limerence... we have some very deep feelings that neither of us can or want to ignore. Does that mean that we are any closer to a transition to legitimacy or an end? Probably not- and that makes it hard. But we shall see where life goes over the next few months... I know that he is frequently at least subconsciously considering a change- and while I put no direct hope to that I wouldn’t be surprised at anything at this point... in any direction. Edited October 6, 2019 by asaysno Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 I feel so sorry for you. The pain and frustration you will face when you wake up one day and you realize your life has passed and you don't have a loving and caring man to hug you every morning and every night. Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 You live nine time zones away (each with kids), speak different languages and you think he’s considering a change? Even subconsciously? You seem like an analytical person. How likely do you think this is? How would it even work? I’d respect you more if you just acknowledged that there is no shot that you’ll ever be together legitimately but you’re just too scared and attached to let go. At least that’d be honest. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 I haven't the will to go back through everyone's past advice to you but I highly doubt anyone has given you advice on how to appear less desperate as a means of securing a taken man. My reason for advising you not to have these endless conversations about the future is that you cannot trust a person who is currently lying and who benefits from lying to tell you the truth, nor can you trust him to know what the truth even is. So you look at his actions, not his words. If you're in a relationship where you have to censor your thoughts and questions for fear of losing the relationship, that's a huge red flag. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted October 7, 2019 Author Share Posted October 7, 2019 You don’t know what will happen......? I can tell you - 20 years from now you’ll still be telling the same story. Hope you love the dynamics a whole lot - because you aren’t going to change this and he has absolutely NO reason to... so stop lying to yourself that he seems ready to change it - he won’t. You accept it for what it is - as this is how it will be... nothing more. Be honest with yourself at least - that way you’ll have less pain in 5,10 and 20 years when nothing has changed. Who says I am not being honest? If I knew that I got to spend 100+ days per year with him every year that was extremely fun quality time I would potentially consider it. Is it my first choice? Of course not. And do I think we will sustain that level of interaction- probably not, if nothing else because business will dictate other things. So if it was the exact same story that would be one thing... but likely there will be other challenges and changes that will make the situation different. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted October 7, 2019 Author Share Posted October 7, 2019 You live nine time zones away (each with kids), speak different languages and you think he’s considering a change? Even subconsciously? You seem like an analytical person. How likely do you think this is? How would it even work? I’d respect you more if you just acknowledged that there is no shot that you’ll ever be together legitimately but you’re just too scared and attached to let go. At least that’d be honest. He speaks English and my son and I have been learning his language. We would likely make his city our primary home base since we all love it there. And yes, exH is on board with some type of arrangement in this regard - with or without MM in the picture as it would be such an enriching experience for our son to experience a few years in another culture. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 He speaks English and my son and I have been learning his language. We would likely make his city our primary home base since we all love it there. And yes, exH is on board with some type of arrangement in this regard - with or without MM in the picture as it would be such an enriching experience for our son to experience a few years in another culture. This is not about your son at all. This is about you wanting to be nearer to MM. You only love it there because he is there. This is not about your son learning their culture. You are uprooting his life, everything he knows, his school, friends, his father etc all so you can be closer to a man who's priority is NOT you. If you are closer, there is a chance you may see him with his wife and kids and that is going to hurt ALLOT. You are sacrificing everything when he is sacrificing absolutely nothing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 I think moving to his home city would be a mistake on your part. Part of your allure is the "holiday" aspect of the affair. You are the fun "wife" when he goes travelling for work. He keeps his real wife and you separated. He thus "manages" the affair. If you show up in his home city he is going to find it more difficult to keep the two parts of his life in two separate compartments. That increases the risk of him being found out, he will not like that. You, being "just down the road" will want to see him more often, you will expect "more", you will expect things from him that he is probably not willing to give you. He will feel crowded, you would be invading his space and you will be an ever present threat to his family... I get it you want to force your MM's hand and insert yourself further into his life, and you will not then need to rely on work to bring you together. Being close by you think he will not be able to resist you. But familiarity also breeds contempt... I would think very carefully before you do this and uproot your son, it may not go to plan... This has only been going on for a year, I would not get too far ahead of yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 Dont you get it? He tried to completely end it with yoy when you were getting too close. How would moving to his town make that even better? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 Agreed. A big part of your allure is the “holiday” aspect of the relationship. This becomes a whole lot less fun and a good deal more threatening to him if/when you decide to move to his town. Besides, the way you make time for your affair now is when he travels for work. How do you think he is going to find time for you if you are not available when he travels? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 I would think very carefully before you do this and uproot your son, it may not go to plan... And then you will look rather foolish... and to those in the know, you will look very selfish to separate a child from his father while you go off chasing rainbows... Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 Besides, the way you make time for your affair now is when he travels for work. How do you think he is going to find time for you if you are not available when he travels? So, let's say you live there and now you don't travel together due to work schedule changes, etc. What do you suppose he will do traveling all by himself? Maybe I'm wrong and he only wants you, but I suspect he will be lonely on the road again. And he knows how to "fix" that now... Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted October 7, 2019 Author Share Posted October 7, 2019 (edited) My son and I fell in love with the country (which is geographically big) long before MM was in the picture. A move to that area of the world would be an awesome experience for my son and I. I would not make the move if MM are in this in-between relationship... only if we were legit together or if we were completely quits... in which case I would likely live in a different part of the country from him where I have friends I’ve known since I was a teenager. It’s all hypothetical but I am not getting ahead of myself in any way because I don’t want a circumstance where we are geographically close but see each other less for the reasons everyone has pointed out and more. As for him cheating with someone else... anything is possible but I highly doubt it... first off there aren’t any other females he would travel with anytime in the near future so little opportunity. Plus he has been torn up enough about a double life with me I doubt he is eager to start a new version. Edited October 7, 2019 by asaysno Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 As for him cheating with someone else... anything is possible but I highly doubt it... first off there aren’t any other females he would travel with anytime in the near future so little opportunity. Plus he has been torn up enough about a double life with me I doubt he is eager to start a new version. Fair enough there are "emotionally sincere" cheaters (for lack of a better term) who have real feelings for OM/OW as well as "user/sociopathic" cheaters, so perhaps he's one of the former. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted October 7, 2019 Author Share Posted October 7, 2019 He has real feelings... of that much at least I am certain. What he ultimately does with that if it were completely up to him - I don’t know. Today for example he was visiting another city for business and his wife is with him. He knew I was having some very difficult challenges at work and made time to contact me several times to check and see how things were going and to make sure I was okay. I know some folks will tell me what a horrible person he is to pay any attention to me when he is somewhere with her. But to me it was a thoughtful and caring gesture that he didn’t have to do... there was nothing in it for him and he knew I was hurting. I’d like to think that is a good example of his emotional sincerity. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 Do you really want to uproot your son from everything he knows to move to another country where your obsession lives? Do you really want to tear him away from his father? That's not fair to both of them. You're just thinking of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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