Next Chapter - MM & Me

[finna]

It is more of an example of how YOU are inserting yourself into their marriage.

 

Nothing more... stop reading into his actions that mainly assure him of sex on the side.

 

How so? I didn’t contact him. We may not even see each other in person again for months so it’s not like him extending his care and concern today will get him laid tomorrow or even next week.

[finna]

Do you really want to uproot your son from everything he knows to move to another country where your obsession lives? Do you really want to tear him away from his father? That's not fair to both of them. You're just thinking of yourself.

 

Yeah - that’s why my son asks me on nearly a daily basis when we will get to move there and he can go to a specific type of school to study a specific subject and learn the language better and get to hang out with his friends there. You make a lot of assumptions about “everything he knows”.

 

Why should I deny him such an incredible opportunity if it worked out to make it happen? His dad and I would make it so that he gets the best of both worlds... his dad might even consider moving as well at least part-time as his job can be remote.

[finna]

How so?

 

You are intruding on THEIR time. Certainly you know that!

 

And you had to have fed him the info that made him concerned about you!

 

So don’t act like you aren’t inserting yourself in their marriage - you communicate info to him that you know if his wife knew she would certainly think and know you are a part of their marriage - which isn’t right.

 

I find it fascinating how you always think the worst of people while having a filtered view of circumstances. He found out what was going on via several sources that did not involve me- we are work colleagues after all and get cc’d on related emails and such.

 

I own my part of this relationship, but me intruding on their time from half a world away when he could have just as easily ignored the contents of his work email for the evening is stretching things a bit.

[lana-banana]

I find it fascinating how you always think the worst of people while having a filtered view of circumstances.

 

I find it fascinating that you insist this affair has zero negative consequences whatsoever. You are fine, your ex is fine, your MM is fine, his wife is fine, your son is fine, everything's great. Imagine stealing from your employer and telling everybody that no, it's gonna be OK, the cops and your boss are all totally cool with it. It's just bizarre!

 

None of your protestations change the fact that he broke up with you and only agreed to continue the affair when you promised him it would just be sex and fun times. You can't put a positive spin on that (or even acknowledge it, apparently), so now you're telling us he actually has these super-deep feelings for you and will maybe do something about it, and your evidence is...well...I guess we just have to trust you?

 

Have you actually spoken to the MM in the past two months about moving to be with him?

[sagamore]

He speaks English and my son and I have been learning his language. We would likely make his city our primary home base since we all love it there. And yes, exH is on board with some type of arrangement in this regard - with or without MM in the picture as it would be such an enriching experience for our son to experience a few years in another culture.

 

This is all about what YOU are willing to do. You think he’s willing to have you move to his home turf? Where then you would be in the face of his wife? He has denied your affair up and down. What makes you think he’s willing to risk the ire and bad opinion of his wife (who has always supported him) as well as family and friends by getting together with you and proving himself to be a total liar?

[finna]

I find it fascinating that you insist this affair has zero negative consequences whatsoever. You are fine, your ex is fine, your MM is fine, his wife is fine, your son is fine, everything's great. Imagine stealing from your employer and telling everybody that no, it's gonna be OK, the cops and your boss are all totally cool with it. It's just bizarre!

 

Have you actually spoken to the MM in the past two months about moving to be with him?

 

My son and my ex are fine... great even. My ex has a girlfriend with kids and they are always doing stuff together and including my son. My son is adventurous, well-behaved, does well in school, has several extracurriculars in which he excels, and makes and keeps friends easily.

 

As far as I know, his wife is fine at this point. She’s gotten a lot more time and attention from MM in the last few months than probably ever before and doesn’t know about us.

 

He and I are the ones that go through times of not being fine - him due to conflict and guilt (hates lying and doesn’t want to disappoint or hurt either BS or me) and me due to missing him when we are apart and having half a relationship when I’d much prefer a full legit one. The good times though are better than they’ve ever been... which makes it hard to choose a different path.

[BaileyB]

My son and my ex are fine... great even. My ex has a girlfriend with kids and they are always doing stuff together and including my son.

 

He is dating a woman who has children - are they also in school and does this woman share custody with the children’s father - and yet, your ex-husband is willing to relocate to another country. How exactly is that going to work?

[Maddie82]

Why should I deny him such an incredible opportunity if it worked out to make it happen? His dad and I would make it so that he gets the best of both worlds... his dad might even consider moving as well at least part-time as his job can be remote.

 

You're not doing this because of anyone else. You're doing this because of you, because MM lives there. You are doing it to be closer to him, hoping that you'll get more from him. But you wont. Making such a bold move will likely scare him off completely. You're trying to play it down as nothing to do with him but it has everything to do with him. There are many amazing countries in this world but you happen to choose the one he lives in.

[elaine567]

Your child only wants to live there as you no doubt influenced him into thinking his future life is there... as that is your fantasy.

Parents can manipulate small kids into thinking just about anything...

This gets more twisted by the day.

Now we have a small boy dreaming of the land his mother's married lover lives in...

[Amethyst68]

How does your son happen to have friends in MM's city, how has he been there enough to get comfortable and meet people? Have you been bringing him with you to your hookups with MM in his home town?

[BaileyB]

Your child only wants to live there as you no doubt influenced him into thinking his future life is there... as that is your fantasy.

Parents can manipulate small kids into thinking just about anything...

This gets more twisted by the day.

Now we have a small boy dreaming of the land his mother's married lover lives in...

 

And an ex-husband who is supposedly enabling her to continue this fantasy by agreeing to let her take his child away and/or volunteering to move to the same country himself. It is very bizarre.

 

Of course this child is going to think the sun rises and sets in this magical land... he is simply following the lead that is being set by both parents.

[Starswillshine]

My BF would not take a job that is a 2 hour flight away because he would not want to leave me, and mostly because he would never expect me to take my children away from their dad. Because he loves those kids.

 

I do not understand the desire to move 9 time zones (So how long will this flight be) from the father of your child. Unless you live in a desolate place and this is the only way to give your child opportunities, but I do not get the impression that is the case.

 

Furthermore, add to it that it is because of a man who is married and is committed to staying married. Even going so far as to break up with you to keep it that way.

[pepperbird]

A parent willing to sacrifice her child;s well being just so she can be closer to a married man who has made it CLEAR that he doesn't want her living near him? Then she tries to say it's her son that wants to move?

 

Part of being a parent is knowing when to say "no". You can't though, because it's not really about him. It's about you and what you want. From what you write, you'd be willing to hurt your son to get what you want.

 

Don't worry about trying to put this in a positive light. The truth is you can't. Even if it was a single guy, it would still be a really selfish idea to do this.

[Bittersweetie]

I've read all your threads and your posts remind me of me in one aspect during my affair. It's mindset. Everything the MM said and did was filtered through my mindset, and adjusted to fit the narrative I wanted to see at that time. I was like a horse with blinders, not seeing his actions or lack of actions in any other way than how I willfully wanted to. And I think the reason I did this is that logically I knew I was in the wrong and risking a lot...so my brain took the input, then spit that input out in a way that would justify my actions and make everything seem okay.

 

In your situation, your MM has recently renewed his vows and now wears a ring. Yet you talk of moving to his city and being together. How does your brain reconcile those two facts? I understand, my MM literally dumped me for another OW, yet I was so convinced we were "soulmates" that I kept the flame alive for months until he came back to me after losing both the OW and wife. Sounds terrible, right? Yet in my head I'd smoothed out all the rough edges of facts in order to create a narrative that both felt good to me and justified my choices. And at that time, I never even realized I was doing it.

 

Just something to think about.

[finna]

There are a lot of comments about the moving bit that I think do not consider what I actually said or the context... that in fact it was in response to someone asking me how we would handle being together physically in the same location if we were to legitimize our relationship- not that I’m going to do it next week to be closer in proximity to MM in the current state of things.

 

@Bittersweetie - thank you for your thoughts. I am trying to be as real about this as I can. There are very few things that have had this big of an impact on my life and the good is awesome and the bad is incredibly ****ty.

 

Right now I’m working on taking a deep breath (often) and try to not worry about things that are out of my control or a future that is uncertain. I may not even see MM outside of the business context for three months... and that really sucks but I’m trying to take it all in stride and live my days the best that I can.

 

This weekend is a really tough one for me. MM and I have tickets to a big-name concert that we bought six months ago when we were sure we would be openly together by now. Instead he will be at a family function and I will either be home or traveling to the next business thing that does not include him.

[finna]

How does your son happen to have friends in MM's city, how has he been there enough to get comfortable and meet people? Have you been bringing him with you to your hookups with MM in his home town?

 

My son has visited MM’s country several times - including before MM was in the picture. As I mentioned previously I have lifelong friends in the same area - nothing to do with MM. My son has spent extensive time with my friend’s family and their friends and extended family... when we are there they adopt him as one of their own.

 

My son knows MM as a good friend - as that was the case for a long time. And no- my son is not with me when I spend time with MM in his home country.

[vla1120]

I did not read the entire thread. I do not believe there is a "love for the ages" wondrous romantic motive as to why he just cannot let you go. Cheaters lie to get what they want. He's lying to you and to his wife. As for why he cannot let go of you, your answer is right here:

 

...and I am an insanely good f***.

[finna]

I did not read the entire thread. I do not believe there is a "love for the ages" wondrous romantic motive as to why he just cannot let you go. Cheaters lie to get what they want. He's lying to you and to his wife. As for why he cannot let go of you, your answer is right here:

 

I’m sure that part doesn’t hurt as far as why he does not let go. In addition though, we truly like each other and enjoy spending time together... in fact 95% of our relationship and time spent does not have to do with sex. Hell it may be three months before another potential opportunity.

[vla1120]

I’m sure that part doesn’t hurt as far as why he does not let go. In addition though, we truly like each other and enjoy spending time together... in fact 95% of our relationship and time spent does not have to do with sex. Hell it may be three months before another potential opportunity.

 

I had actually tried to change my post because I felt that one was a little mean-spirited when I read it back (though I didn't mean it to be.)

 

I feel like you look at him through rose-colored glasses. In reality, he's a liar and a cheater. You deserve better (and frankly, so does his wife.)

[Starswillshine]

I’m sure that part doesn’t hurt as far as why he does not let go. In addition though, we truly like each other and enjoy spending time together... in fact 95% of our relationship and time spent does not have to do with sex. Hell it may be three months before another potential opportunity.

 

Yes because he is then getting it from his wife.

[finna]

I’m well aware of his flaws and imperfections... yet for some crazy reason it makes me very happy to spend time with him and I love him very much... but then I loved him before we were physically involved. There are no easy answers on this one... at least not for me.

[finna]

Yes because he is then getting it from his wife.

 

So why bother with me if he gets all he needs from her? If he had no guilt or it was easy for him to lie and compartmentalize I would chalk it up to simple cake eating. But he is a stressed mess when it comes to maintaining the covert nature of our relationship.

[Starswillshine]

So why bother with me if he gets all he needs from her? If he had no guilt or it was easy for him to lie and compartmentalize I would chalk it up to simple cake eating. But he is a stressed mess when it comes to maintaining the covert nature of our relationship.

 

Because she isn't always around him. You fill gaps when he is gone from her. Pretty simple.

[heartwhole2]

We've done this "he cares about me because" dance before. The point isn't whether he has affection for you -- he does. He maintains the relationship you've established by offering emotional support. Of course, if this means a whole lot then I think of the enormity of literal strangers stopping their days to offer you support and advice. But I digress.

 

The problem isn't whether he cares enough to have a relationship with you. The problem is that the relationship created is dysfunctional and harmful.

[BaileyB]

The problem isn't whether he cares enough to have a relationship with you. The problem is that the relationship created is dysfunctional and harmful.

 

... to yourselves and others.

 

Although I don’t expect you to agree given your previous post in which you stated that everyone was “fine” including MM’s wife and that the only individuals who suffer are yourself and MM - his with guilt and you both with missing each other...