HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 28, 2019 Share Posted July 28, 2019 Asaysno, search for Alan Robarge's channel on YouTube to explore more about attachment avoidance/attachment trauma. It will be insightful into your relationship patterns. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted July 28, 2019 Share Posted July 28, 2019 I feel like I want a legit relationship with MM more than anything I’ve ever desired Why didn't you tell him this when he asked what you wanted? What would it take for you to tell him? Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 28, 2019 Share Posted July 28, 2019 I'm guessing she didn't want to be quite that open and vulnerable to him (despite the fact she says she is) because she knew she would be rejected so better safe than hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 28, 2019 Share Posted July 28, 2019 Better safe than hurt. At least this way, she can continue a relationship with him. If she told him that she wanted more and it is something he can not do, he may actually decide to end it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted July 28, 2019 Author Share Posted July 28, 2019 Why didn't you tell him this when he asked what you wanted? What would it take for you to tell him? Oh I have told him many times that a legit relationship is what I want. Including during our discussion last week. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 28, 2019 Share Posted July 28, 2019 Asaysno, not sure if you read other sections, but you might take a look at this post from a now divorcing BW reflecting on her former husband's apparently multiple OWs... https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/686898-husband-25-years-blindsided-me-4.html#post7835060 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted July 28, 2019 Share Posted July 28, 2019 Oh I have told him many times that a legit relationship is what I want. Including during our discussion last week. And what does he say? You are looking at his every move to see if he still wants you in some capacity, but you are interpreting his being OK with being "extremely discreet lovers" as meaning he might want to be life partners. And sure, he might in an alternate universe in which he were single but he's not. Will he be willing to do the bare minimum to keep you happy as a mistress for a long time to come? My guess is yes. But I don't think your chances of being together long term are any better whether you are FWB or NC. Probably more with the latter. I've seen a lot of OW stories where she ended things and then MM came back months later to say he really did want to be with her and would make it happen. Results vary whether he really follows through but the absence of the OW does sometimes spur the MM to action. MM has already said you're messed up for wanting him, and I doubt your panic at his attempts to break-up and your offer of being FWB is adding to his respect for you. Try to remember that he's currently not choosing between a real future with you or a break-up. He's choosing between a continued affair and a break-up (you've even laid it out as such), and notably, he keeps saying he wants to break-up. It's not a win by any measure if he doesn't follow through with the break-up, except for your panic/fear. Can you summon the butt-kicking part of you that knows that she shouldn't stick around for some guy who keeps trying to break-up? Don't you want a man who will move heaven and earth to be with you, rather than a man who tells you how he loves his wife and wants to make his marriage work? On DDay I had so much reason to be scared. I was/am too ill to support myself and I have small kids with this cheater who's explaining to me that he and OW have feelings for each other like I'm some moron who's trying to get between them. But holy hell, I was filled with such rage. No way was I going to want someone who didn't want me, even if that guy was my legal husband and my provider and my children's father. No way! Poor guy didn't know what was about to hit him. I started giving this speech about how I knew I would be fine without him and lots of people would want to be with me and I wished him and OW well because they sure seemed to deserve each other, and he was so, so confused. He had created this false situation where he was ostensibly the prize and my self-love said, no, I AM THE PRIZE! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lov3foo1 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Some posters here suggested that his new ring likely signified a renewed vow. Which means he still liked it (the wife), and he put a ring on it. He’s put a ring on the same woman twice now. Wife - 2; OP - 0. Let that sink in... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Oh I have told him many times that a legit relationship is what I want. Including during our discussion last week. How is "friends who share everything" and "extremely discreet lovers" a legitimate romantic relationship? People in real relationships don't have to be discreet. It sounds like the exact opposite. Your wording suggested a FWB arrangement and he wouldn't even commit to that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted July 31, 2019 Author Share Posted July 31, 2019 What we have right now is not an open legitimate relationship, but I certainly would like to get there. In the last few days MM has been extremely attentive; barely going an hour without a lot of texting and checking in with me except for when he is asleep. He changed his flight to come in earlier and had expressed interest in spending a lot of time with me including concerts, hiking, going out with friends, etc. I don’t know where we will be in a month when he is scheduled to go home again, but I didn’t expect any of this for this round. Is this a temporary thing? Is this a piece of a larger cyclical pattern? Is he having second thoughts on his second thoughts? Who knows? He may not even know. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 Is this a temporary thing? Is this a piece of a larger cyclical pattern? Is he having second thoughts on his second thoughts? Who knows? He may not even know. Is this a temporary thing? No Is this a piece of a larger cyclical pattern? Yes Is he having second thoughts on his second thoughts? Why does this matter really? What does it change? Who knows? He may not even know. Agreed. He is just going with what feels good in the moment...and to h3ll with the consequences and how it affects others (including you, dear Asaysno). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 What we have right now is not an open legitimate relationship, but I certainly would like to get there. In the last few days MM has been extremely attentive; barely going an hour without a lot of texting and checking in with me except for when he is asleep. He changed his flight to come in earlier and had expressed interest in spending a lot of time with me including concerts, hiking, going out with friends, etc. I don’t know where we will be in a month when he is scheduled to go home again, but I didn’t expect any of this for this round. Is this a temporary thing? Is this a piece of a larger cyclical pattern? Is he having second thoughts on his second thoughts? Who knows? He may not even know. Please stop accepting crumbs from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 Of course he's making fun plans in the here and now, you've accepted your place as his OW so all is well. There's no future faking going on any more, he's told you exactly what he's prepared to give. I thought he was travelling with his cousin. How does he plan to do all of this with his cousin present? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 Is this a temporary thing? Yes. It’s only temporary, he will eventually decide to return home to his wife and family. Is this a piece of a larger cyclical pattern? Yes. Clearly. You’ve been through this before, have you not. And then, he came back to work wearing a new wedding ring and told you that he wanted to be “friends” - with benefits. Is he having second thoughts on his second thoughts? He’s never had second thoughts, he has made his decision and he knows exactly what he wants. He has no intention of leaving his marriage. But, he wants to go hiking and to concerts and have sex with you too... Just curious, did you read the link in the above post asaysno? Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted July 31, 2019 Author Share Posted July 31, 2019 Of course he's making fun plans in the here and now, you've accepted your place as his OW so all is well. There's no future faking going on any more, he's told you exactly what he's prepared to give. I thought he was travelling with his cousin. How does he plan to do all of this with his cousin present? He’s not traveling with his cousin per se- different flights and will not share a car but will be at same hotel. The concern he voiced to me last week was that his cousin is nosy and he doesn’t want us to run into him in a common area. He hasn’t brought it up again and has definitely made plans for us to be together for Friday. I don’t know why the change, or why he has spent hours communicating and giving me a lot of affectionate attention... Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 As I said before he's set his boundaries for the affair so now he can play and you can't accuse him of 'playing you' when it all ends. Be it with a DDay, a new OW or it ends for another reason. Every time you engage with him now is on the terms and priorities he set, which is himself, his family and then maybe you. Texts mean nothing, it's a hook to keep you interested. I admit I've always thought you were the most interested and invested one in the affair, I still do. I do think that now he's set his terms and you've agreed, he's settling down to enjoy the situation. Just out of curiosity did he remove his shiny new wedding ring when having sex with you or did his new found love and respect for his wife not stretch that far? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 He hasn’t brought it up again and has definitely made plans for us to be together for Friday. I don’t know why the change, or why he has spent hours communicating and giving me a lot of affectionate attention... Don't you see the connection? He has set up a Friday meet and needs you to be on board with that so he sweet talks you. He is just looking out for himself, once satisfied he will return to "normal" again. Remember when he was on vacation and he spent a day texting you with the culmination in the x-rated pics, followed by 3 days no contact. Same thing. Your hopes get raised, "He loves me, we are going to be legit", but he was just horny... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 No, you are not a support system or an escape for him. He just has you believing that to keep you hooked on him. You are just his dirty little secret, his hook-up when he is away from his family, and he is laughing because he has everything, the best of both worlds. He has his cozy family life, and another woman on the side. You are nothing more than a hook-up when he is not with his family. You can't trust anything he says because all he does is lie. I feel you are blinded by your love for him and can't see beyond him. You will never be a priority and he was ever forced to choose, he would not choose you. He has cleverly got you sucked right in so you can't see the reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 He hasn’t brought it up again and has definitely made plans for us to be together for Friday. I don’t know why the change, or why he has spent hours communicating and giving me a lot of affectionate attention... Because he is away from his family and he can. Because he is lonely and he can. Because you fill the boring time for him. That is what you are to him. A play toy to play with when he is bored. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 He’s got you addicted to the cycle now. Phase One - Pull. He reaches out to set up a meet. (Always him because this entire relationship is now on his terms.) You’re in heaven. He’s wooing you. You can’t wait. The anticipation feels like a high beyond anything you’ve experienced. Phase Two - Meet. The moment arrives, and you’re ecstatic - though you’re also on edge. You’re waiting to see how he behaves. You’re observing his words and and actions to see if there’s any change, or what that means for the future. You’re counting each moment together as though it could be your last. Phase Three - Push. You watch as the guilt hits him, sometimes when you’re still there. He creates distance, either through his words or increasing distance between communication. You feel so low. You wonder if you can do this anymore...and just then, the cycle repeats. It doesn’t get any better, A. It only gets worse from here. You can’t hear me right now because you’re in the thick of Phase One. But after this meet is over, I hope you think about what everyone has been saying to you. This man is staying with his wife. Not only that, he loves his wife. And deep down, he no longer respects you because of what you’re willing to accept from him. It’s hypocritical but it’s the truth. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 OP, if you have any decency, you would not continue to hurt his family and break it off. Think of it from their point of view, you are the outsider trying to break up a family because of your obsession. Think of his children. If he can do this so easily with you then its highly likely you are not the only other woman. You may strongly believe you are purely because you believe and hang on every word he says, but honestly, he cannot be trusted. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 op, the more you write, the less it sounds like you actually love this guy. I don't think he loves you either. I'm not trying to sound snarky, but your posts are starting to have an almost desperate quality to them. It's as if you see it as you and him against the cold, cruel world. You assign huge meaning to what, for him, likley is far less significant. Your posts are starting to sound like the words of an addict. You may not want to admit it, but the pain you are in is coming through. The times when you're with him may be wonderful, but what about the "in between" times? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 (edited) The concern he voiced to me last week was that his cousin is nosy and he doesn’t want us to run into him in a common area. The cousin may tell his wife, and he wouldn’t want that. The risk that he would see someone he knows hiking or at the concert is small. It’s fine to go out and enjoy those activities. But, he wants you to stay hidden from his cousin lest he learn the truth and tell his wife. Did you read the link above? It talks about the draw of the other woman for the husband, and how this wife couldn’t compete with the “excitement” and “adventure” that the affair provided for her husband. What does he get out of this - a companion, an ego boost, sex, someone to entertain him when he is bored, lonely, stressed, unhappy... You see his “attention” as “love.” When in truth, it’s so many things... and, if you take th cynical view, it’s all about him and what he wants. And, that’s not love. Edited July 31, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 He is rewarding you for accepting the role of his hidden toy. Start pressuring him to leave his wife or to pay attention to you when it's not convenient and he will punish you by withdrawing. He is teaching you to always be fun and compliant and pleasing to hI'm. Also he would like to enjoy some hot sex when he visits so this is your foreplay. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 He hasn’t brought it up again and has definitely made plans for us to be together for Friday. I don’t know why the change, or why he has spent hours communicating and giving me a lot of affectionate attention... He's addicted to how the affair makes him feel, just like you. Also, sometimes he's just bored and wanting human connection. Sometimes I wonder if you are asking this question over and over so that someone will say, "Because he loves you too much to let you go!" But while both of you surely have loving feelings toward each other, neither of you are acting in a loving manner. Love doesn't bring out your worst side. Love doesn't require secrecy. Love doesn't involve harming others. Love doesn't risk the marriage and family that one of you wants to maintain. If texting all day means that you are in love with someone, then I guess I'm in love with my girlfriends whom I chat with all day. If having sex with someone means you are in love with them, then I guess every one-night-stand and toxic relationship is true love. This guy is not a prize, and we know that from his actions. As soon as my husband of 10 years turned out to be a lame cheater, he ceased to be worthy of a relationship with me. Lucky for him, since we had kids I gave him a chance to become worthy of me. That didn't involve me wondering what his actions meant and hoping we could have conversations about my needs, if I just played my cards right and didn't scare him off. MM is not going to start treating you like a prize just because you hang in there. You have to treat yourself like one first. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts