Next Chapter - MM & Me

[heartwhole2]

You started seeing an IC, right? I hope you are going regularly and really taking the time to develop your sense of self, your ability to self-soothe, your boundaries, etc.

 

We've talked this over a million times, but your MM is just not good IRL relationship material, if there is such a thing. He's not interested in your well-being. He doesn't respect you by thinking of what's best for you. He's hot and cold. He's getting more invested in his marriage, not less. If we are reading the tea leaves, the tea leaves are not saying, "A healthy, IRL relationship is right around the corner." They're saying that heart-break is coming. The question is just how and when.

 

If you came here and said, "I'm fine with getting my jollies and the moral implications don't bother me and who wants a committed, open relationship anyway," then I would find that distasteful, but at least it would be honest. If you don't value integrity, what can I say? But that's not what you're saying. What you're saying is that you are so attached to this man, to the idea of him, that you can't function without him. You're saying that your panic response to the idea of losing him is so strong that you can't do what you know is right and healthy. You're saying, "But do you guys think X means that maybe he's really into me?"

 

Yeah, he's into you. He likes you enough to have an affair with you sometimes, on his terms, when he's not too invested in his marriage or feeling too guilty. That's all. That's not love. That's not health. That's not something that is going to feed your soul and change the world.

 

Asaysno, I really wish you would love yourself more than this.

[pepperbird]

The more I hear about this guy, the less I think the OP is the only person he is seeing on the side. Maybe the op is okay with that. Maybe being in the "affair box" is enough for her and meets her needs. I don't know. It's just hard to reconcile the person who wrote the first post in this thread with someone who is okay being in an affair over the long term.

 

I can also see her actively trying to square being the ow away with her own values system. She's kind of doing it, but I predict that won't last. Sooner or later, it's going to be the elephant in the room she is going to have to face.

[BaileyB]

Asaysno, I really wish you would love yourself more than this.

 

Don’t we all... Dear asaysno, please know this is the truth.

[whichwayisup]

Sadly I guess you're going to have your heart broken a few more times before you end things once and for all with him. You're far from rock bottom.

[Tristian]

Thread reopened after review. Those that are still here should tread lightly with their replies.

[finna]

Being single, there is little to no threat to me if anyone “finds out”. The risks for MM is much greater so he sometimes has to make decisions that may affect both of us, and I support that especially when he thinks through things carefully. Plus it was his room to invite me to or not as he wished, just as it was my house to invite him to on several nights when I had the place to myself.

[Starswillshine]

Being single, there is little to no threat to me if anyone “finds out”..

 

Gently, you are thinking too narrow. There is a lot of risks that come with you being exposed. First, his wife, her family, etc, you have NO idea how they would react. Then there is the job aspect. I know you believe that it would not be an issue, but given all the travel the two of you do, they will most certainly look heavily into it to make sure there isnt misuse of company funds. Also, this speaks to your ethics. And some companies will believe people who act in this manner may act in unethical manner within business which could cause them harm. You and he become a liability to the company. Add in if the wife finds out and goes to some place of business to confront him OR you. That would cause HUGE embarrassment to the company.

 

You think small in your little bubble, but there are so many negative consequences for these actions.

[finna]

Gently, you are thinking too narrow. There is a lot of risks that come with you being exposed. First, his wife, her family, etc, you have NO idea how they would react. Add in if the wife finds out and goes to some place of business to confront him OR you. That would cause HUGE embarrassment to the company.

 

You think small in your little bubble, but there are so many negative consequences for these actions.

 

I appreciate the concern and pointing out the risks. His wife and family are over five thousand miles away... it is very unlikely that if she did find out that there would be any encounters. She could tell the world on social media or something, but I don’t use it much and have it locked down anyway. So yes, there are potential risks and consequences, but far more for him than me.

[PhoenixRising8]

A gentle reminder that just because you don’t use social media doesn’t mean family, friends and work colleagues don’t. A determined spouse is capable of breaching your circle/privacy and shaming you beyond your wildest imagination. You are hell bent and determined to continue this liaison and minimizing impact of discovery to the point that nothing anyone points out will enlighten you to see it any differently. Proceed on your path at your own peril and good luck. Maybe not in the short term, but at some point you will need all the luck you can get.

[BTDT2012]

What LKK says is absolutely true.

[LivingWaterPlease]

It is staggering to me to read that you think being single you have nothing to lose.

 

What about your reputation? Does it matter to you at all?

[Allupinnit]

I appreciate the concern and pointing out the risks. His wife and family are over five thousand miles away... it is very unlikely that if she did find out that there would be any encounters. She could tell the world on social media or something, but I don’t use it much and have it locked down anyway. So yes, there are potential risks and consequences, but far more for him than me.

 

All it takes is for her to find a phone number and google you and find out who you are, addresses, possible relatives, etc.

 

But it honestly it doesn't sound like you care much if she did.

[elaine567]

The wife already knows who she is, the wife only has to put two and two together one day to make four.

[darkbloom]

Asayano,

 

You are hurting my soul. You are worth so much more than the breadcrumbs MM is giving you. I know there’s nothing I can say to convince you, but the time is now to end it. I know you think you can’t live without him in your life but you can. You want a relationship that he can’t and won’t give you. You are a square peg trying to forever alter yourself to fit in a round hole.

 

I know you think because his wife lives far away that she can’t hurt you but that’s absolutely not true. She can ruin your reputation forever with a phone call and stroke of the keyboard.

 

We will be here for you either way, but as a former OW with no judgement- please hear me.

[finna]

I truly appreciate everyone’s heartfelt concern. To be honest it is hard to feel like I’m getting breadcrumbs right now as we have spent so much time together recently... nearly a month... and since he’s been home he has been very helpful and attentive... I know that may not last.

[lana-banana]

"Very helpful and attentive"? That's what you think of someone who texts and calls? He's with his wife and family. He's not leaving them, as he's confirmed to you previously. When he tried to break it off with you, you said you wanted to be a discreet partner. So that's all you have. Your relationship is about having fun and being secret lovers.

 

I think part of the reason this thread raises so much ire is because you're so deep in denial about the basic realities of your situation. You keep insisting that you're somehow on the path to a legitimate relationship even when you've moved in the exact opposite direction over time (remember in the beginning he said he'd leave his wife in June? Now he's told you he has no intention of leaving and would be fine being friends, but you offered him NSA sex on top of that).

 

There is also the insistence that this whole thing is having no impact on your child, that you won't get caught or it doesn't matter if you did, and that your employer wouldn't be bothered in the slightest. There are, according to you, zero consequences for your behavior so you should just keep on doing it. You are effectively downing tubs of chocolate ice cream around the clock and insisting you won't gain weight, or drinking vodka for breakfast and reassuring us you're fine. Sure, you can keep up the illusion for a while, but it's not reality.

 

The truth will catch up with you eventually. And I don't mean a D-day truth, I mean the truth that this man doesn't consider you a priority in his life, and not worthy of a legitimate relationship. What will you do when you have to face that truth?

[darkbloom]

I truly appreciate everyone’s heartfelt concern. To be honest it is hard to feel like I’m getting breadcrumbs right now as we have spent so much time together recently... nearly a month... and since he’s been home he has been very helpful and attentive... I know that may not last.

 

He hasn’t left his wife to have a legitimate relationship with you. This is what you ultimately want- anything less is breadcrumbs. Who cares if he’s attentive and helpful if he’s still married to his wife?

[Crazelnut]

Deep denial going on here, along with a lot of rationalization. Asaysno, you are going to have to get seriously hurt before you open your eyes. Nobody wants to see that happen, but you are hell bent on ignoring the truth.

[mark clemson]

Well, you are an adult and will make your own decisions. They may or may not have positive (or possibly very negative) outcomes, I guess time will tell.

 

 

I'm quoting the below from another thread. I think you might consider introspecting a bit on how and why you're making this particular choice.

 

 

...some woman do want to be in relationships that are going nowhere to protect themselves from hurt, or just because they like it that way. They may be at a point in their life where they do not want to be tied down and a MM is "safe" and fun.

Some women do indeed want what other women have...

 

Or it may be that MMen were the only guys hitting on her and she couldn't say no. Better a MM than no man. She was perhaps at a vulnerable/weak spot in her life, so may have been a magnet for MM looking for an affair.

[finna]

@Mark

 

My relationship began when I was in a vulnerable place- no doubt for me it has been an exit affair and probably a transition to something else. What comes next is unknown... there are a few potential outcomes, some far more likely than others.

 

If I had to guess I would say that the most likely outcome is that MM and I will not see each other as often as we won’t have as many business opportunities to travel together... this may result in us drifting apart or making the decision to move on. Either one of us may decide to officially end things although I see that as less likely given our history... of course a DDay or other significant event could cause an immediate change.

 

I could also see some version of us spending time together as we can for a long while because of some of the reasons listed in the quote. We do have fun, we care about each other, and we fulfill needs that aren’t otherwise being met. I still hate the circumstances and that may eventually be enough to help me to move to something else - some days I feel like I have the strength to do that; other days not so much.

[mark clemson]

@Asaysno

 

Well, as I said you're an adult and this is your choice. I think you already realize (and it's certainly been mentioned enough times in your thread) that the most likely outcome of putting in a lot of time into this is him with his family and you alone at the end of it.

 

Not sure if you were familiar with the American TV show "Married with Children" but in it the father, Al Bundy, took a job at a shoe store. He never moved on, and that job then became his permanent job, leading to a great deal of understandable dissatisfaction with his life as time passed.

 

I think a lot of folks here are seeing you being Al Bundy in terms of your relationship with this man. You've got it, and it meets your needs for the moment perhaps, but the long term outlook is bleak.

 

I think most would advise you not to be Al Bundy...

[finna]

I never watched MWC regularly, but enough to appreciate the analogy.

 

It’s true that sometimes this feels like settling... other times it is the most fantastic experience. I have enough other challenges right now (job priority changes, divorce logistics, medical scare) that it’s hard to want to walk away from MM’s support. Unless he ends up doing something unexpected this will probably run its course and then I will be figuring out life from there.

 

I don’t mean that to sound completely passive; I evaluate and reevaluate every day. Today at least I have too much to handle to initiate a drastic change with him. Tomorrow may be a different story.

[darkbloom]

You control the vacillating though. If you’re thinking you’ll feel like staying away from MM everyday and not missing him consistently, I have news for you. You’re using him as a crutch because you don’t want to do your life without him. You’ll come up with any excuse to avoid the pain of having to break it off and face your life without him as your soft landing.

[fountainhead]

Today at least I have too much to handle to initiate a drastic change with him. Tomorrow may be a different story.

 

 

Been following your story since the beginning asaysno, I had to let you know my 2 cents. For what it's worth, I have a ton load of MM issues and desperately need advice and guidance, but none of it made me post despite creating the account an year ago. This particular sentence of yours did.

 

I totally get where you are right now emotionally. You have too much to handle, and cannot bear breaking away from this man, because you just simply cannot deal with the heartbreak.

 

But imagine this situation. Say something drastic happens tomorrow, and he decides to break things and leave. You will NOT get a breather, he will not stay for another month or two so you can mentally prepare, he will not consider your feelings even for a second. You'll be drowning and you'll want him to hold your hand a little longer... atleast let you go gently..

 

And that will simply not happen. What will you do then? When it comes crashing around you? You need to prepare for that moment as if it is going to come within the next few hours. And that can be done only if you detach.

 

This has been my pain since past few months, so I know how it is. But please understand when I say this, letting go now is better than holding onto him as a crutch who makes you happy and gives temporary highs, because when he simply leaves (which he will, mark my words), you simply cannot handle it. And your son will suffer.

[elaine567]

You’re using him as a crutch because you don’t want to do your life without him. You’ll come up with any excuse to avoid the pain of having to break it off and face your life without him as your soft landing.

 

Agreed.

This kind of dependency can shoulder a lot of hard knocks, a lot of disappointment, a lot of "making do", a lot of soul destroying stuff, a lot of actual grief and misery because the "perceived" alternative is worse.

The option to walk away is too difficult to contemplate, even if the present is far from optimal. But the OP has come fresh from a sub optimal marriage, so it is really a step up...