PhoenixRising8 Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 You missed my point to some extent. You are on a dead end street, the scenery may be pleasing now but MM has yet to let you know about the bulldozer thats coming along to. wreck it all. Well he has to some degree by telling you he is working on his marriage but he loves you too so you hold on hoping the bulldozer won't wreck it all. The conflict MM are notorious for is double speak for I want my cake and eat it too. Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted August 31, 2019 Share Posted August 31, 2019 Of course MM wants to reaffirm the connection. He knows he has to put in the work so to speak to keep you hooked. I still can’t believe you are glossing over the fact that he recommitted to his wife and got new rings. If there was a chance before, that sealed the deal that he isn’t leaving. I will reiterate, his choice has nothing to do with you. MM’s life is too comfortable and he has his child to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 asaysno, when I read your posts, all I can think is that you are thinking, "Well, if I stick it out maybe one day he will want me enough to leave. Maybe if I keep making him happy he will choose me." I hope I am wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 asaysno, when I read your posts, all I can think is that you are thinking, "Well, if I stick it out maybe one day he will want me enough to leave. Maybe if I keep making him happy he will choose me. That is exactly it, and like 99% of the OWs on here they are stuck "waiting", until they cannot "wait" any longer... He WILL leave... Um... no. If you want to "date" a MM with a view to making it permanent, make sure he doesn't have kids or he is 50+ as these guys don't leave. They have too much to lose. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 (edited) Yes, Asaysno, what do you think about the new rings and recommitment to his marriage? What does that mean to you? What does it say to you? Do you see it as a ruse on his part to keep his wife quiet and satisfied? Or do you see it as genuine on his part? Does it affect how you view your relationship with him? Edited September 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator rude Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted September 1, 2019 Author Share Posted September 1, 2019 I don’t ignore anything. I don’t always address every single comment, especially if I’ve answered something similar... but I read and consider everything. Regarding his ring, it hurts like hell when I see it. However, I chose to see if it meant anything to him with regard to his actions toward me. Seemingly not- he has not behaved any different wearing it versus not. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 My take on it, asaysno, is that you are too emotionally attached to look at things objectively. I mean, that's true of all affairs, right? I don't know how one rationally looks at a person offering you an affair and thinks, "Yup, this seems like it will probably work out well." I do laud you for sharing your perspective with strangers and allowing some cognitive dissonance to take place when how you feel/what you desire and what is really happening don't match up. That shows me that ultimately you want to live in reality and not fantasy. But I don't think you're ready to give up your attachment yet, and if we said, "Yup, I think MM is just conflicted because your bond is so amazing and you should stay in the affair while it's 'meeting your needs'" you would say, "I knew it! Thank you!" and the cognitive dissonance would abate a little. But the truth is that there are too many problems with this scenario beyond whom he loves more. And those problems won't go away in any scenario that I can imagine, including him leaving his marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted September 1, 2019 Author Share Posted September 1, 2019 Can you expand on what you mean by problems in the scenario? Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted September 1, 2019 Share Posted September 1, 2019 Can you expand on what you mean by problems in the scenario? The distance, each of your character flaws, using the workplace to conduct an affair, the souring of any chance BW would co-parent amicably with you, his not being that into you (as evidenced by his multiple attempts to pull back, his asking to just be friends, his recommitment to his marriage), your lack of healthy boundaries and self-esteem He is definitely attached to you, but it's not a healthy attachment, and it's unlikely to overcome all the obstacles to a monogamous relationship for you two. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted September 14, 2019 Author Share Posted September 14, 2019 MM was on holiday this week. In the two weeks between us spending a month together and him leaving for vaca, he spent a lot of time with me... generally six to twelve hours a day of texting and a couple of phone calls. I was surprised but appreciated the attention. We had a few serious discussions but mostly goofed off and had fun. I fully expected he would be LC or NC this week, similar to earlier this summer when he was with family. Nope, still making time and checking in when he can... sometimes ten times a day. On top of that, he is back to initiating the ILY’s, saying good morning and good night every day and talking about all the things he wants to do together in the future. I’m enjoying this but also remaining wary. There is a chance I might see him in about two weeks and if that happens we will be having an in-person discussion about where we are at. If not then, I see him for sure in a month. It feels like he has again done a mental flip-flop so I want to know what’s going on from his perspective. I realize this may be nothing or it could be that he will flop again (and again) before things settle out. I do feel like I have taken back some power and am in a bit of a healthier place by continuing to spend time with my son, with friends, and a lot of time alone with my hobbies, as well as focusing on a big new work project. I have been affectionate and fun with MM and have made it easy for him to contact me, but I respond when I have time and feel like it. My feelings for him are still intense but I feel like I have a lot more control over the situation from my perspective. I miss him but I rarely feel that addictive pining that I know is not healthy. I’m not sure whether his change in behavior is due to my shift or coincidental, but it feels good that a bit more of this is on my terms. Little steps and keep moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 So he still isn't leaving? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 OP - I don’t mean to be the pessimist, but you are just on the “high” point of the roller coaster, ready to crest to the next point of disappointment. When you say you have serious discussions, what do you discuss? Future plans? What does this look like? I take from all of your updates that you are good perpetually being the other woman. I imagine if you pressed him, you’d get another wake up call. It pains me as I would be stuck in the same cycle with my xMM if I’d allowed that. We were also long distance. “Checking In” 10 times a day is nothing. It wasn’t for me either. It was all a fantasy farce. Don’t focus on what he does via text while you are separated. Focus on what he does to make you a permanent part of his life that isn’t secret. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 The threat of of a DDay is gone so he’s back to the ILYs and right back to where you were at the very beginning of your first thread. You’re still responding which means you don’t have any power over it. You’re also still waiting for 2 weeks when you can spend time together. This isn’t living. It’s clock watching. I think we both know that he isn’t leaving. You don’t recommit with new rings and vows and then leave for your OW. It would destroy his reputation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 You want to know what’s going on? That’s your question to him? I can answer that... He isn’t leaving his wife! Ever! He likes having a side chick All he has to do is text and call sometimes He likes that you feed his ego He likes stringing you along - that way you don’t date others/have sex with others - putting him at risk As long as you hang around - he will use you. Quit volunteering! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 MM was on holiday this week. In the two weeks between us spending a month together and him leaving for vaca, he spent a lot of time with me... generally six to twelve hours a day of texting and a couple of phone calls. I was surprised but appreciated the attention. We had a few serious discussions but mostly goofed off and had fun. I fully expected he would be LC or NC this week, similar to earlier this summer when he was with family. Nope, still making time and checking in when he can... sometimes ten times a day. I still don't understand how it's possible to do the above and be the hard-working, dedicated and involved father you insist this man is? Something would have to suffer and I doubt it's his work! This is a man who barely sees his son with all the work travel he does, it's beyond sad he's not making the most of the time he sees his son. Forgive me if this has already been explained but how much of all this work traveling is actually needed? You insist both of you can work remotely so how many unnecessary (or extended) business trips does he take that once again removes him from his son. What do you think your face to face discussion is going to prove? You've already committed to staying in the affair for another 1.5yrs (even if he's not aware of this) so what are you going to demand? Some vague plan for leaving his wife, his family or a firm date and plan? Even though the plan and date are sure to constantly change as time progress and each deadline missed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 It’s a simple equation. He punished you so you would participate in a quieter fashion without expectations - he also amped up the attention he was needing to show his wife - so she wasn’t suspecting an affair so much. Now that he’s showered herwith attention he turns back to you to be sure you’re still going to hang around for more abuse. He lays it on thick because he needs the extra sex and ego strokes/attention. It’s also too much woektogo find another other woman - one who will be as compliant and adoring as you are. So you see...? It’s convenient for HIM! It’s never going to be about what YOU want - he’s selfish - it’s always about him. Oh yes, he will future fake - but you won’t see anything permanent come about. He is a liar - you love a liar and a cheat? That’s what you have. What’s appealing about that? You deserve so much better - he’s wasting your time. No man is a good man when he’s a cheater who’s ruining things for his family. Everyone gets short changed - even you. But you aren’t his priority. Know that. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 OP - I don’t mean to be the pessimist, but you are just on the “high” point of the roller coaster, ready to crest to the next point of disappointment. I would suggest that she is actually at the “low” point of this ride, separated for a significant time while he enjoys yet another vacation with his family. In an attempt to feel some kind of reassurance, she clings to texts messages that are inflated to mean more than they are - standard procedure for a married man trying to keep his affair partner interested while they are separated for an extended period of time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 It’s never going to be about what YOU want - he’s selfish - it’s always about him. Oh there's definitely equal degrees of selfishness going on here. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 You deserve so much better. Does she though? She has inserted herself into this man's marriage and continues to volunteer to be his OW. She identified a good thing and went for it... After a bit of a setback, she is now getting her fix again and all is hunky dory and going to plan. Back on track... He WILL leave his wife and child, they WILL be together, she is doing her best to make him 100% hers... Any fall out or comeback later will be deserved as she is perfectly aware of what she is doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 He will never make it 100% relationship. It’s not what he wants. Op - I hope you understand clearly he doesn’t want you as his wife - he only wants you as his OW. That’s the agreement. Believe it. There’s nothing more than that - except lies and future faking and manipulation to keep you quiet and in the OW position. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 I agree with Elaine. She knows the damage she is contributing to and she doesn't care as long as she gets him. He will never be hers though and she's heading for a world of hurt AGAIN, but, again she doesn't care because she's only thinking about herself rather than what she is doing to others. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 He will never make it 100% relationship. It’s not what he wants. Of course not. Men usually end up with two lovers because neither woman is really "enough" for him on her own. That is why the OW situation is usually so dire, for anyone who sees herself taking over from the wife. The MM needs both women, he derives benefit from both, usually in different ways. He doesn't want to be stuck with a woman who only ticks some of his boxes...he's got one of those already... Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 The MM needs both women, he derives benefit from both, usually in different ways. No the MM wants both women! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 No the MM wants both women! Ok I take your point he doesn't need to have two women, he wants to have two women, but I was using need as meaning he "needs" them for his well being. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 A, With respect, I think your time reporting is largely suspect. Someone who is in another place and frequently texting you isn’t spending hours with you. It takes just a few seconds to text, slip your phone back into your pocket and keep on keeping on. So while it may be flattering that he’s texting frequently and squeezed in a couple of calls,, he sure that you see them for what they are. Otherwise, you are deluding yourself. As for the ILYs. Easy to say, less easy to prove. Proving it means being a stand up partner. He is not. I sincerely hope you get some strength and perspective. This man is using you badly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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