Oscar1993 Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 To begin with, I am female, I think my username is a little deceiving as I used my cats name. Sorry! Anyway, I wasn't sure which forum to post this in, but I need a little advice. Please tell me if this is normal. Basically my boyfriend gets up in the morning for work, about 30 mins before me and watches porn in the other room. He does this every single day. I am literally laying there and would have sex if he made it clear he wanted it. Some times I try and he still gets up and goes in the other roo.! I've not bought it up with him yet but I know 100% he does it. I'm pretty sure he would deny it but at this point I just need to know if I am being irrational. As far as I am aware, this hasn't happened in my past relationships and I find it a little odd. I am laying there in bed, I would have sex with him yet he would rather get up and watch porn? I get masturbation, everyone does it, a lot of people watch porn etc and I get not everyone wants to have sex every single day, but at least wait until I am not around. We have sex once a week, if that. I've bought it up before that I'd like to have sex more, I've said we can go buy some toys, whatever he wants, he just isn't interested. He has to be drunk before we have sex also. And it is only on the weekends, when he can't really watch porn because I am around. I don't get it. I am not the most attractive but I know I'm not ugly. Is he just lazy? Is he really that disinterested in me? I am struggling not to let it make me feel insecure. I need some opinions please as this is something I don't feel I can discuss with people around me!
MINAKO Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Though watching porn is normal for so many, I do think this behaviour is strange for sure, especially when you are right there. But please do not interpret it as something that is wrong with you, because this is his own problem. There could be so many reason for this. Perhaps he has a specific fetish he is too nervous to bring up with you, who knows. Maybe you can playfully ask him what he is up to, when he is doing that, and then ask if he wants to watch it with you or try something he is watching, or basically whatever is comfy to you. I just believe that because you have already tried to make suggestions to make sex more appealing to him, and that he has still chosen to stick with the porn, means there is something there that is drawing him in more than sex. If he is still really closed off about sharing the more intimate parts of his life with you if/when you make different suggestions, then I would say this is something that probably cannot be helped and I would leave. And I am serious. Who the hell wants to feel unwanted like that? I would assume at that point that he is more intimate with his computer than his own girl. I do hope though, that he can open up with you and include you in his fantasies or whatever it is that keeps sparking his interest.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 He has to be drunk before we have sex also. This combined with daily porn-viewing while you are right there tells me there is a big problem. No, this isn't normal, in my experience. Watching porn sometimes, sure. It can even be a fun addition to a couple's sex life. But under these circumstances, and with this level of frequency would have me very concerned. Just to clarify - how do you know that's what he's doing when he leaves the room every morning? And what is the reason he gives you for not being able to perform with you without booze? How long have you been together, and has this always been a problem? How old are you both? This term gets thrown around a lot here, but it could indeed be an addiction to porn. 1
heartbrokenlady Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Do you have any idea what type of porn he's watching? For example, it could be gay or fetish porn. Which would help you work out what is going on. 2
Author Oscar1993 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 This combined with daily porn-viewing while you are right there tells me there is a big problem. No, this isn't normal, in my experience. Watching porn sometimes, sure. It can even be a fun addition to a couple's sex life. But under these circumstances, and with this level of frequency would have me very concerned. Just to clarify - how do you know that's what he's doing when he leaves the room every morning? And what is the reason he gives you for not being able to perform with you without booze? How long have you been together, and has this always been a problem? How old are you both? This term gets thrown around a lot here, but it could indeed be an addiction to porn. I found out by accident once when I used his laptop and he still had old tabs open, I don't usually use his laptop but did on this occasion. Since then I snooped on him and it's there every day. If it's not on his laptop, it's on his playstation or iPad. Most likely his phone too. I feel bad for snooping but I'm starting to think this is probably a deal breaker for us. We've been together around a year and a half. We had sex often to begin with but it died out quickly. If I ask him why he can only have sex with me when drunk he shuts me down and says I'm being silly but it only happens when he is drunk. He tells me has a low sex drive and has always been the same, but dont understand how that can be possible when he masturbates every day. Surely just masturbate less and you will want sex move? He also struggles to finish when we do have sex, which I put down to him watching porn/masturbating so often. I am 25, he is 42.
Author Oscar1993 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 Do you have any idea what type of porn he's watching? For example, it could be gay or fetish porn. Which would help you work out what is going on. It's just standard straight/lesbian porn which I think is pretty typical for a straight guy. Nothing out of the ordinary, which makes me think may be it is something to do with me.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 If he isn't willing or able to meet your half-way and find ways to enrich your sex life for both of you, I would absolutely re-evaluate your relationship. Sexual compatibility is important and you are young. Is that the sort of relationship you will feel comfortable and happy in if nothing changes? I personally wouldn't.
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 I am 25, he is 42. "Old man" problem, get yourself a younger fitter model asap, do not waste your time with this guy. He is addicted to his hand and cannot have normal sex with you, with out being drunk.. That is not normal. You are 25 and at your most desirable and he is bypassing you for porn, so get rid. You will regret it if you don't. At 42 he is too old to learn new habits so don't even bother trying to "fix" him, he no doubt doesn't want fixing... He is happy with his little routine, masturbating to porn every morning... He is already tearing down your self esteem, get a guy who cannot keep his hands off you, drunk or sober... 2
salparadise Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 We have sex once a week, if that. I've bought it up before that I'd like to have sex more I don't get it. I am not the most attractive but I know I'm not ugly. Is he just lazy? Is he really that disinterested in me? I am struggling not to let it make me feel insecure. I need some opinions please as this is something I don't feel I can discuss with people around me! Most importantly you need to understand that it isn't about you, not about how attractive you are, not at all. Secondly, masturbation and sex aren't either/or, mutually exclusive. Some people (of both genders) like both within the same time frame as they're satisfying in different ways. Sex is relating to another, while masturbation is inward, fantasy, and avoids the relating and sharing. What you have is a guy who is not comfortable with his sexuality and can't easily share this aspect of himself with another person, not to mention a strong desire to do so. If he had both going on it wouldn't be nearly as concerning. It's somewhat of analogous to someone who is too socially inept to have a meaningful conversation, yet is compelled to journal all the time. Once a week is low-low frequency for a young person, and the fact that he has to be drunk to have sex tells you that this is pretty bad. He likes the idea of sex, and the release, but can't stand to be sexually open and vulnerable. It's extreme self-consciousness within that aspect of the self. Honestly, if I were you I'd end it. I don't think this is something you can fix by talking about it. It's just who he is, not about you, and yet it precludes you being able to have a fulfilling, complete relationship. There are plenty of guys out there who'd want to have sex every day. You could spend a few years trying to work through it and teach him to love sex, but the chances of him changing his stripes are slim to none. I'm an older man and was married for a long time to a woman who was constrained and avoidant in the bedroom. Now when I date I won't even consider someone who has low drive or any type of reticence towards sex. Life is too short, and wishing someone was different and would meet your needs is a waste of time and soul.
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 honestly if it wasnt for the fact that your not getting some as often as you would like I would think him yanking to porn isnt a big deal. but because your not getting enough orgasms nor are you getting that intimate connection with him then I fully agree with sal and elain. end it. find a man that is willing to give you a reasonable amount of satisfying sex while sober.
LauraXX Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 I don't think the masturbation thing is a big deal, but it would freak me out if my boyfriend had to be drunk in order to have sex with me. I also agree that it's a little weird that he doesn't at least wait until you have left the house.
schlumpy Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 I think this stems from him being selfish. Is that a prominent characteristic he displays in other areas of your life? 1
Gaeta Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 We've been together around a year and a half. We had sex often to begin with but it died out quickly. If I ask him why he can only have sex with me when drunk he shuts me down and says I'm being silly but it only happens when he is drunk. He tells me has a low sex drive and has always been the same, but dont understand how that can be possible when he masturbates every day. Surely just masturbate less and you will want sex move? He also struggles to finish when we do have sex, which I put down to him watching porn/masturbating so often. I am 25, he is 42. You said you have sex once a week so that means he's 'drunk' at least once a week!! Listen, it's time you dump this guy. He's addicted to porn and with so much masturbation he desensitized himself, he won't finish unless it's his hand. This is a lot of BS to deal with for a man that's twice your age and will only decline from here, also a lot of BS to deal with for the very short honeymoon phase you've had at the beginning. This relationship has been unsatisfying since almost the beginning, why do you hang on to so little.
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 (edited) Ugh. This sounds like the beginnings of what i went through in my marriage. Like most men, my ex-hubby watched porn. Sometimes I would watch it with him. In the beginning it was just something he did occasionally. Eventually, I noticed how often he would stay up after I went to bed. Sometimes wouldn't come to bed until 2-3am. I would wake up thinking he was beside me only to realize he was still in the basement and found myself getting up in the middle of the night and sneaking around to find out what he was up to. Porn. Lots and lots of porn. Every night. Sex began to dwindle rapidly and even the rare times when we were having it, he was struggling with getting hard / staying hard / and/or finishing up unless he did it himself. Even then, he would so often still retreat to the basement after we were done... It came to the point where sex just stopped altogether. I tried all sorts of things to get his attention including talking with him but it was all for not. He didn't want to admit anything or address the issues no matter how I approached the subject. I too snooped through the computer to see what kind of porn he was watching...didn't see anything outrageous. The irony was that I LOVED sex and wanted to explore and try new things and push boundaries - he was the one who was uptight and often said no to my requests and suggestions. I did and would have done just about anything he wanted yet he always chose porn over me. In the end, his addiction to porn effectively made me unnecessary and undesirable. The last 8 years of my 16 year marriage was completely sexless; zero affection. We were essentially roommates raising children and putting on a great front for family and friends who thought we were such a happy couple. I initiated divorce 10 years ago and have never looked back or regretted it. The point to my story...he's replacing you with porn and when that happens, the writing is on the wall. Unless he is in a place where he can admit what he's doing and recognizes how it's affecting your relationship, your relationship is doomed. Mark my words. Don't wait 8 years like I did hoping and praying things would get better. A relationship has TWO people in it. If he's not interested in addressing the sexual issues in your relationship, perhaps it's time to move on. It does NOT get better. Trust me. Edited July 25, 2019 by Michelle ma Belle 4
Rayce Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Have you tried making porn for him? Wonder how he would react if somehow you could shock him with your own porn vid.... lol... after reading this thread maybe I am glad to be single. lol...
GorillaTheater Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Have you tried making porn for him? Wonder how he would react if somehow you could shock him with your own porn vid... I wonder how he'd react if he found you repeatedly watching Big Dick porn. "Old man" problem. Sure, she needs to bail on this loser, but damn, Elaine. This old man vastly prefers a live woman to a calloused hand. 5
smackie9 Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 So you want him to stop or cut back...not going to happen You want him to desire you over porn....not going to happen You want to tell him to have more sex with you....not going to happen Why? because he doesn't care what you think. He likes his routine. Date those who treat you the way you want to be treated.....he isn't FULLY fulfilling your expectations as a BF and you know what that means....... 2
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Sure, she needs to bail on this loser, but damn, Elaine. This old man vastly prefers a live woman to a calloused hand. Sorry realised too late to edit. Didn't mean to disparage older men in general. BUT he is too "old" to change now, if he was 18 maybe... He has got "old" and lazy. Despite a 25 yo in his bed, he prefers his own hand and porn...
lurker74 Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 It's bad. I sometimes watch porn when I wake up as I find it to be better than a cup of coffee when it comes to being alert, but not if you were there (that is, not if a partner were there and willing). I mean, maybe once in a blue moon but every day is a major issue.
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 The rule of thumb is simple - if porn replaces sex with a partner, it's a problem. Period. 4
Ms.Jazzy Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Just curious when you guys did have sex who would always initiate? Would you or he or would it be mutual? Also if he was the one always initiating maybe he just gave up altogether and he might feel undesirable which is why he goes to porn because he's not getting a sign that you're interested in him anymore? Not saying that's the case. Also maybe it's time to spice up your guys sex life. Buy some sexy lingerie.. Put some moves on him or simply ask him what would he like to do more sexually and just communicate that with each other and see if you would be open to it. If nothing changes after that I would simply move on because you guys are most likely not sexually compatible and that's a disaster for a relationship.
kendahke Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 . He tells me has a low sex drive and has always been the same, but dont understand how that can be possible when he masturbates every day. He doesn't want to get emotionally close to you. With porn and his hand, he doesn't have to take their feelings into consideration. He doesn't have to make sure they are satisfied. He doesn't have to wade that deep into intimacy---hence him also getting drunk before he can have sex with you. If this is as good as he can give, is it enough for you? Because if you need more, then you're settling--and settling with/for the wrong man. You don't get gold stars or have the earth spun backwards for a do-over. Youth, my dear---how are you investing/squandering your most precious commodity? 2
preraph Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Maybe he's lazy in the morning and doesn't want the bother of also getting you off, so he just masturbates instead. It's not the worst thing for you that he is defusing himself before leaving for work, where there could be temptations.
ThisisIt606 Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Not normal! He obviously has an addiction. This is a really gross morning routine before work btw... I hope he washes his hands thoroughly before work. He’s an old man at 42 set in his nasty ways. You’re young , 25 and vibrant. Don’t waste your youth with this useless fool. He doesn’t care about you, better to be alone and happy than with this miserable guy who can only have sexwith you when he’s drunk?! If you need a sign that he’s not right for you. HERE IT Is! Please dump him or just get up one morning and leave (forever) no explanation.
Els Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 (edited) In all seriousness, I'd bail. Not because of the porn, but because of the overall ****tiness of your sex life. Edited July 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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