Maria1956 Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 Been seeing MM for close to 18 months. I’m also married. We have a fwb type situation, neither of us are leaving our marriages but we have a great relationship, really get on and sex is amazing we have a real connection there. He’s still sleeping with his wife (they are both early sixties, I’m mid forties) and he’s always been really open about that which I’ve appreciated. We had a long discussion yesterday and he said the last couple of months he’s not been able to become aroused when his wife has wanted sex and this has understandably raised suspicion that he is having an affair which he has denied. He was very upset when he spoke to me and said that he can’t not have sex with his wife but he is unable to get an erection and he basically said it’s because of me because the sex is so varied and exciting for him. We have massively cooled things off and have agreed to limit our meetings to twice a month as opposed to twice a week but the truth is I want to walk away now as I feel we are heading into dangerous territory. Any advice? I need to break it off but I’m lacking to strength to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 Well if his wife is suspicious it's only a matter of time before you get caught. D-Day (Discovery Day) is just around the corner. She may be so angry at you that she will not rest until she finds out who your husband is and informs him of what you've been doing as well as needing him to help her police her husband and you. You would be smart to find the strength to break it off before this happens and it will at some point. 1956 and you're in your 40's? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maria1956 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Share Posted July 25, 2019 Well if his wife is suspicious it's only a matter of time before you get caught. D-Day (Discovery Day) is just around the corner. She may be so angry at you that she will not rest until she finds out who your husband is and informs him of what you've been doing as well as needing him to help her police her husband and you. You would be smart to find the strength to break it off before this happens and it will at some point. 1956 and you're in your 40's? His birth year Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maria1956 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Share Posted July 25, 2019 Well if his wife is suspicious it's only a matter of time before you get caught. D-Day (Discovery Day) is just around the corner. She may be so angry at you that she will not rest until she finds out who your husband is and informs him of what you've been doing as well as needing him to help her police her husband and you. You would be smart to find the strength to break it off before this happens and it will at some point. 1956 and you're in your 40's? I totally agree. It’s spooked me badly. Thank you what you’ve said is spot on. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 1956 and you're in your 40's? As he is early sixties I guess it is his DOB or just a random number... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 I'm assuming that he doesn't have these difficulties with you? Because, it's entirely possible that his difficulty getting an erection is related to his age... I can't imagine discovering at that age and stage of life that my husband has been lying and cheating with another woman. I'm sure, it's not exactly how any woman envisions the golden years of her marriage... Stats say that divorces for seniors have doubled in the last 25 years - an increase of 109%. People are living longer and women, who have previously been financially dependent on men, have more options. Your guy may find himself put out if she discovers the truth... lots of women decide in their later years that they get just as much pleasure from life from children, grandchildren, and friendships... who needs a cheating husband at that age? If he wants to keep his marriage, you would be doing him a huge favor to end it. Say goodbye and go no contact. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 ...but the truth is I want to walk away now as I feel we are heading into dangerous territory. No-one here is going to disagree with you. Yes you are headed to dangerous territory. As you both could "lose it all" over a fwb relationship, then it makes no sense whatsoever. His wife is already suspicious... Time to say adios... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maria1956 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Share Posted July 25, 2019 I'm assuming that he doesn't have these difficulties with you? Because, it's entirely possible that his difficulty getting an erection is related to his age... I can't imagine discovering at that age and stage of life that my husband has been lying and cheating with another woman. I'm sure, it's not exactly how any woman envisions the golden years of her marriage... Stats say that divorces for seniors have doubled in the last 25 years - an increase of 109%. People are living longer and women, who have previously been financially dependent on men, have more options. Your guy may find himself put out if she discovers the truth... lots of women decide in their later years that they get just as much pleasure from life from children, grandchildren, and friendships... who needs a cheating husband at that age? If he wants to keep his marriage, you would be doing him a huge favor to end it. Say goodbye and go no contact. No he has no problems with me in fact he’s the most virile man I’ve ever known. That aside I care deeply for him and would hate to get caught. NC starts from now. I’ve messaged him to say goodbye I’ve not blocked him though I feel that would be cruel. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 Good luck in keeping no contact. As they say, love is selfless. You've done the right thing. Best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 Well first of all I'm not sure I even believe his reasons for cooling the affair. He maybe wanted to pull back for other reasons but he didn't want to anger you so he gives you the "you're just too great in the sack" story so that you go away feeling flattered. You really need to end this before his wife finds out and blows up your world. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 What's missing in your relationship with your husband such that you find it necessary to carry on an affair behind his back? Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 Please don't minimise what you've been doing. Two people, married to other spouses, meeting twice a week to have sex do not have a FWB arrangement they are having an affair. You are intruding on his marriage and he is intruding on yours. I read another one of your posts that said you don't consider your marriage to be good I wonder how much of that is down to your affair. You certainly don't appear to have any guilt for either your BH or his BW. I can't imagine the pain his BW would be in finding out her husband cheated, at that stage of her life. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 And to Amethyst's points, you wrote in another thread: My affair makes my marriage bearable and therefore stops me from leaving. My DH thinks our marriage is good so if I left it would come as a massive shock to him. In theory an affair is a fairytale relationship, all the good bits, none of bad mundane crap that goes with real world relationships... I would not suggest ending your marriage, but from what you yourself wrote, is it possible his BW would actually be doing you a favor by "blowing up your life"? Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 It may mean nothing but if you need this affair to make your marriage bearable why do your refer to husband as your DH? This is an abbreviation used by wives who love their husbands and marriage not ones who seemingly have no respect for either. Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 Been seeing MM for close to 18 months. I’m also married. We have a fwb type situation, neither of us are leaving our marriages but we have a great relationship, really get on and sex is amazing we have a real connection there. He’s still sleeping with his wife (they are both early sixties, I’m mid forties) and he’s always been really open about that which I’ve appreciated. We had a long discussion yesterday and he said the last couple of months he’s not been able to become aroused when his wife has wanted sex and this has understandably raised suspicion that he is having an affair which he has denied. He was very upset when he spoke to me and said that he can’t not have sex with his wife but he is unable to get an erection and he basically said it’s because of me because the sex is so varied and exciting for him. We have massively cooled things off and have agreed to limit our meetings to twice a month as opposed to twice a week but the truth is I want to walk away now as I feel we are heading into dangerous territory. Any advice? I need to break it off but I’m lacking to strength to do so. Yep Please if you want to break it off then. Block him on everything. Go NC and reconnect with your BH. Some say to continue on with your marriage based on a lie is like building a new level on your house with a flaw in the foundation, it will eventually crack and implode. Telling your BS may end in D. As the partner may not be be able to R after finding out your betrayal as it may be too much to handle. Due to the possible exposure to him of possibility of getting a STD/STI due to Your unprotected sex with MM. He will want to know what you did sexually for MM that you refused your husband. And why this happened? The times you slept with one, then the other, on your Birthday, anniversary or special days. Why he was so important yet BH is just the plan B. What or how would you handle this if the family roles were reversed? Would you not want husband to stop or could you just accept it! Are there children on your end? How will they handle your dishonesty? Can you have a open marriage? What do you want or how do you want others to think of you when DD occurs? Lots to think of, good luck and please be carful and think of others, not just you. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 If my husband couldn't get an erection, I wouldn't immediately think he was having an affair. Unless he was presenting as not being interested in me. I agree...it could be a nice way to pull back from the affair for him. If he's caught ..losing the respect of adult children and family can be awful as you get older...more shameful for a older person who should know better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maria1956 Posted July 26, 2019 Author Share Posted July 26, 2019 Thanks everyone. He messaged me yesterday and said he wanted to talk. I replied, I kept it short and asked him not to contact me again and that we need to move on with our lives. I’ve blocked him on everything and as awful as that feels I know it’s the right decision. I’ve learnt a lot from this period in my life and intend to move forward now, focus on my family and try and improve things in my marriage or walk away from it. Thank you everyone 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 I'm assuming that he doesn't have these difficulties with you? Because, it's entirely possible that his difficulty getting an erection is related to his age... I can't imagine discovering at that age and stage of life that my husband has been lying and cheating with another woman. I'm sure, it's not exactly how any woman envisions the golden years of her marriage... Stats say that divorces for seniors have doubled in the last 25 years - an increase of 109%. People are living longer and women, who have previously been financially dependent on men, have more options. Your guy may find himself put out if she discovers the truth... lots of women decide in their later years that they get just as much pleasure from life from children, grandchildren, and friendships... who needs a cheating husband at that age? If he wants to keep his marriage, you would be doing him a huge favor to end it. Say goodbye and go no contact. You are correct women of that age are no longer wanting to take care of a man. Cooking, cleaning, watching his health. They would rather be free to enjoy their lives and no longer need or want a man. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 No he has no problems with me in fact he’s the most virile man I’ve ever known. That aside I care deeply for him and would hate to get caught. NC starts from now. I’ve messaged him to say goodbye I’ve not blocked him though I feel that would be cruel. You have to block him. His wife is suspicious and more than likely will be checking his social media, email, cell phone etc. And you should be scared, if his wife finds out, she more than likely will contact your husband. Most betrayed spouses do reach out to the other betrayed spouse and let them know what has been happening. It's not cruel to block him but what you've been doing behind your husbands back is cruel. Imagine HIS pain and feeling betrayed by you in the worst way if he finds out. Maybe it's time to figure out why you needed another man on the side. Is your marriage bad? What's missing inside of you that made you want someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 What was his response when you ended it today? How can you participate so that your marriage improves? Link to post Share on other sites
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