Can't seem to get things right somehow

[spiderowl]

I don't know what's the matter with me really. I seem to end up with male friends who want more (and I don't) and yet I get too nervous about the guys I find I like.

 

I got chatting to a guy on a dating site. I really like the sound and look of him. He's artistic like me and we have lots more in common. We also have a lot not in common which makes things interesting. I always feel I have to tell anyone that I have health problems so I put this in my profile: I don't want to be contacted by guys who would find that a problem and I feel they should have some idea that I'm not going to be 'perfect'.

 

So I shared some info with him and we have exchanged messages. He wanted to call me but it felt too soon so I asked to text a bit first. He agreed, but I feel he has cooled off a bit and now I'm anxious about it. I'm at the point of saying let's forget it because I don't need this stress.

 

This is going to sound bad, but I've been seeing a guy on and off. This has been for about two years now. It really has been on and off and it has not been romantic, although we have kissed once or twice, literally in all that time. I've just never felt sure about him and my doubts have obviously made him step back too. So it has been more of a casual friendship, I suppose. We have been out for coffees and out for a day out on a few occasions.

 

Things have not been right with this guy because: he is older than me (that's not the reason); he has stricter views on food and conservation than me, which I feel are a sign of inflexibility. I feel he would 'judge' me. He avoids the media and IT generally (no TV, thinking of giving up internet) which again feels a bit rigid to me. We do have lots to chat about together about philosophy and schools of thought, but just when I start to feel he's nice and maybe this could work, I end up at home having serious doubts. I can't see us being compatible. Also, I do not feel he is caring person and that it's more that he wants someone to share activities. Another difficult aspect is that I do not feel he 'believes' my health problems and that he thinks I could overcome them with effort and changing my mindset. He has never said as such but I keep getting this very strong feeling and for me it creates a barrier.

 

So anyway, there has been this friendship going on, so this is something I had to consider when the new guy got in touch. I don't know how that's going to go but maybe nowhere. How do I explain the other friend? The friend and I have never tried to define the relationship and I am glad really that we are not officially an item. Still, he does contact me and wants to meet up at times. One of the problems I had was the lack of notice he gave me and I 'gave up' on him several times because it irritated me and I felt put on the spot. Also, he takes forever to reply to texts and that annoys the hell out of me. I feel it could not go further for various reasons really.

 

Anyway, I also have a friend who I see sometimes, again platonic. He is interested too and often drops non-too-subtle hints but I have never taken him up on it or encouraged him. I value him as a friend and we talk a lot (mainly because he likes to talk for ages) and he is a fascinating, super-intelligent guy. I am not interested in 'that' way, even though intellectually and emotionally, we are more on the same wavelength.

 

Basically, I'm horribly confused. Because of my health problems, I do not feel I would be good enough for anyone. Very few understand and, because I look ok, they forget. Depression is one of the problems but the others are physical and I suffer pain and fatigue. Depression makes me want to give up on men and, in particular if someone seems interested and I feel he's 'out of my league', I am almost impelled to fend him off by warning him of the problems I have. I know this sounds negative but I see it as being realistic and letting them know what they might be getting into.

 

I feel like I'm tied in with guys I can't see a romantic relationship with and not fit for any other. I am thinking of giving up on guys altogether but it gets lonely and I want someone to share with.

 

I have a horrible feeling all this is going to come to a crunch at some point and yet for me the friendship with the conservation guy has limitations.

 

I am aware I cannot see myself from the outside so it would help if others could help me see my way through this unsatisfying muddle I seem to find myself in.

Edited July 26, 2019 by spiderowl

[alphamale]

are you seeing a doctor for your depression spiderowl? are you on meds? PM me if you want to talk

[preraph]

First of all, not sure what the health problem is and how specific you got with the new guy. Do you feel it's an offputting health problem? Is it chronic? Is it debilitating? Obviously, some guys find it no problem because you have two who like you and would like more.

 

I will just say guys tend to shy away from problems that are revealed before they even know the woman. Not invested, so why bother? Anyway, hope you are okay.

 

I believe that in order for you to get a new romance off the ground you are going to have to clean house of two guys who want more than friendship. You'd likely be doing them a favor cutting off all hope and sending them on their ways anyway, so don't let your desire for having friends around keep you from doing the right thing there. Because if you don't deal with it, here's what will happen.

 

They get wind you're dating someone romantically and get all resentful and maybe even try to intrude on your date or make clear to the other guy by blowing up your phone that you already have a bf, just to be contrary. I mean, unless they both end up with girlfriends (in which case they'll likely dump you like a hot potato) before you end up with a boyfriend, it's not going to be pretty. So be introducing them to all your single girlfriends or get rid of them so you don't have an impediment to dating in addition to whatever the health issue is.

[Mr. Lucky]

Basically, I'm horribly confused. Because of my health problems, I do not feel I would be good enough for anyone. Very few understand and, because I look ok, they forget. Depression is one of the problems but the others are physical and I suffer pain and fatigue. Depression makes me want to give up on men and, in particular if someone seems interested and I feel he's 'out of my league', I am almost impelled to fend him off by warning him of the problems I have. I know this sounds negative but I see it as being realistic and letting them know what they might be getting into.

 

I don't know your health is first conversation or even first week material. And someone given time to get to know you may just see that as part of your story.

 

Beyond that, I think both these guys sense you're holding them at arm's length, not the warmest quality one can exude. A real relationship requires vulnerability, with all the attendant up and down sides.

 

At some point, you have to let someone in ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spiderowl]

Thanks Preraph and Alphmale.

 

Health probs are chronic fatigue and a pain syndrome (fibromyalgia) which makes me super-sensitive to any pain. At one stage, literally everything hurt. My skin hurt, I could not take a parking ticket from the machine without pain, the warm summer breeze felt really unpleasant to the extent that I stayed indoors a lot. There are also other conditions which I am being treated for. The treatment does not help one adominal problem so I have to just cope with it because there is nothing else. The other is potentially serious but the treatment seems to be working so far.

 

I am taking various meds, anti-ds for the pain, others for other aspects of these syndromes. The docs only have 10 mins and say take a higher dose of anti-ds. I have tried this and they make me physically numb - not great for a sex life, not that I've got one. The doc feels that I've come to the end of the road because I've tried nearly all anti-d's and the one I am taking at least helps reduce the pain and lifts me a bit.

 

I have had issues around confidence and body image for a long time, since a teenager. I literally feel terribly ugly and embarassed to be a physical presence in a room with other people. Rationally, I know I can't be that bad or guys would not come over to me to talk. It's how I feel inside and I cannot shake it off, no matter what I do. I have had counselling but they more or less just listened and that didn't help.

 

CBT might help but it is only available here in groups when I am free to go (I work full time) and because I had a negative attitude to it, I was not considered suitable for it.

 

I feel very mixed up about the two guys I have as friends. I have never promised either of them anything or given them the impression we are dating yet I feel guilty at the prospect of actually dating someone else.

Edited July 26, 2019 by spiderowl

[spiderowl]

Thank you Mr Lucky. I feel I would be dishonest not to warn people about my health problems. At least if I get that out of the way at first, then I am not going to be disappointed if they are shocked later. What tends to happen is that people do not see any issue because physically I look well. I even look younger than my age, which is great of course but actually causes confusion as people assume I am capable of more than I am.

[gaius]

You just have to listen to yourself spider. If you get up and go to the fridge in the middle of the night and you don't really feel like eating anything in there, then your body is telling you you're not really hungry. If every guy you meet you have doubts about and don't feel romantic with then you're not really looking for an intimate relationship. Not that complicated.

 

You probably enjoy being around guys who have interest in you because you're human and it feels good when someone is interested in you. Even if you don't really want a full blown relationship. Now why you don't want one I don't know, only you can figure that out with a journey of self discovery, but your body is telling you pretty clearly what it wants and doesn't want. You just have to listen and decide where to go from there.

[schlumpy]

What a great song.

 

Like a good novel that pulls you in with the opening paragraph, Thunder Road grabs hold of you in the first stanza and doesn’t let go. I understand how you may see some of the lyrics reflecting in your own life. The exception being that for Mary - her hero did rise from the streets.

 

My wife has MS and she has in the past said many of the same things that you have expressed in your post. Since there was some similarity, I held a conference with her last night and we came to a consensus.

 

Unless the negative feelings you have about yourself abate, I don’t see how you can successfully date. We think that you should forego dating right now and instead do group activities, so you won’t be lonely or isolate yourself. It is very important that you not feel isolated.

 

You have an artistic side so that is a ready outlet for a group that you can fit in with. Use that to your advantage. It will make you feel so much better to be with people of like mind. My folk group sponsors a music festival every year and I receive a lot of validation being with hundreds of people that share my interest. We all appreciate that feeling of belonging. It’s human nature.

 

You can keep your platonic relationships. The older guy is a bit of a puzzler. If he is just a friend, why would it bother him for you to be dating someone else? Couldn’t he be dating someone else and would he tell you about it? There are some feelings here that go beyond friendship, but it looks like you have talked yourself out of a relationship with this guy. No reason you shouldn’t keep seeing him since it will help keep you active.

 

Once you temporarily shut down dating you should then focus on your condition and your mental state in association with that illness.

Your condition is not curable with current medical knowledge. In fact, they don’t know what causes it and it’s only been recognized as a real medical condition since 1987. There is some prehistory that you can read about but basically you are on your own as far as treatments are concerned.

 

This is where you will want to keep a journal. If your symptoms worsen or you get better attempt to tie them to something real like what you ate, the environment you are in, activities you were involved in or were not a part of. Look for cycles where you are better - than worse and see if a regularized interval shows up. Experiment with different environments and note the effects. Don’t forget to include emotional states such as happy and sad.

We did this in the early years of my wife’s MS when few treatments were available and discovered that hot weather exacerbated her symptoms which allowed us to plan successful activities.

 

You might want to try out something like Acupuncture. I have no opinion about it since my wife has never used it, but it does have advocates for your condition. Do keep track of the latest medical developments.

 

The most important piece of the puzzle is your depression. That will have to be resolved either through medication or a regimen of stimulating physical and mental activities that will allow you to regain your motivation. Perhaps a combination of both? Therapy can also be of some use if it is outcome based and not the type that seeks to provide an ego massaging excuse as to why you feel the way you do.

 

When you regain your confidence, go back to dating. Don’t tell prospects about your condition on your dating profile, wait until the 2nd or 3rd date. Tell them in person. I don’t think that’s unfair to the potential boyfriend and it gives you a chance to work some magic on them so that they see the future potential of a relationship with you. And don’t kid yourself, you do have magic that will work.

 

Meanwhile my wife and I and other interested parties on this forum can act the part of a Greek Chorus in a play about your Life. Act I: She recovers – Act II: She finds a boyfriend – Act III: She lives happily ever after.

 

 

Best Wishes

[schlumpy]

One More thing. Please bear with me.

 

When you date again try to control the venue. Make it easier on yourself by going out where you want to go and when you want to go. That way you control the last minute problem.

[spiderowl]

You just have to listen to yourself spider. If you get up and go to the fridge in the middle of the night and you don't really feel like eating anything in there, then your body is telling you you're not really hungry. If every guy you meet you have doubts about and don't feel romantic with then you're not really looking for an intimate relationship. Not that complicated.

 

You probably enjoy being around guys who have interest in you because you're human and it feels good when someone is interested in you. Even if you don't really want a full blown relationship. Now why you don't want one I don't know, only you can figure that out with a journey of self discovery, but your body is telling you pretty clearly what it wants and doesn't want. You just have to listen and decide where to go from there.

 

Thanks gaius. I do want an intimate relationship, I just don't want to get stuck in a situation with someone I enjoy talking to but know I am not compatible with long term. There does not seem to be any point getting romantic in that situation.

[spiderowl]

Thank you schlumpy, I had to figure out what you meant by 'last-minute problem' but when I did I am thankful to say I don't have that.

 

I am sorry to hear about your wife's illness. I am glad she has found some things help. I have done the diary stuff, exclusion diets, so many things. I have got to the point of despair now, realising I just have to cope with these things somehow.

 

I take your point about not telling people upfront, but actually I don't want to know anyone who cannot see through that. I know that guys do not find me unattractive, despite my own feelings about myself, but they get a false impression of me because I look well. I know it sounds ridiculous but people assume I can do the same things as them because I walk, stand, and work. What they don't realise is the effort involved and that I have to take meds to reduce the pain or the constant 'hurts' make life unbearable. I do not want to feel that I could only date if I 'sell myself' as normal at first.

 

Believe me, I keep up to date with research about mine and others conditions. I am just interested anyway (fortunately). The depression has been long-standing and partly stems from endless stress from being mentally abused in the past. I didn't realise it was abuse in the past, but now I know that people are not usually treated like that in families. There were good things too, but abuse sticks.

 

Of course, being in pain for years and not having any help with it, did drag me down to the depths. Then facing useless doctors who did not take me seriously. The anti-ds are the only things that reduce the pain so that I can move around without discomfort. Previously, the only thing that helped was co-dydramol and that only lasted a few hours. It is addictive so I cannot take it regularly so it was never a long-term option, only for the worst days.

 

I must sound very sorry for myself. I think I've done pretty well surviving this long actually because there have been many days when I didn't want to. This forum has helped a lot and sometimes I can help others because I've been there. I know a lot of posters on here have painful experiences that have enabled them to help others.

[schlumpy]

Thank you schlumpy, I had to figure out what you meant by 'last-minute problem' but when I did I am thankful to say I don't have that.

 

Sorry I wasn't clearer on that point. I of course meant people who call you up at the last minute and suggest let's go here or there.

 

Looks like you have everything covered so I won't belabor the point. I look forward to reading more of your posts in the future. Sorry that my suggestions were a bust. I hate when that happens.

 

Best Wishes

[LivingWaterPlease]

Spiderowl, have you ever seen a naturopath Dr.? I'm also very sensitive and have had some terrible problems from taking meds MDs have given me. I now know I can't take any at all. I can only drink a few swallows of coffee without getting sick and cannot drink anything with aspartame or sucralose in it. I do great with anything plant based but don't eat meat since there are antibiotics and hormones in much of it.

 

Sugar is really bad for mood disorders as are many processed foods. White flour is also not good for mood disorders. Alcohol (even small amounts) kill brain cells.

 

Sunshine and fresh air are meds for depression and anxiety. I read an article that said going to a park for twenty minutes a day can bring happiness into your life. Being outside in nature was the point it was making.

 

Another important thing you can do that may help you is to get in bed fairly early at night.

 

In your place I'd also see a nutritionist and/or a naturopath in addition to your MD.

[spiderowl]

Sorry I wasn't clearer on that point. I of course meant people who call you up at the last minute and suggest let's go here or there.

 

Looks like you have everything covered so I won't belabor the point. I look forward to reading more of your posts in the future. Sorry that my suggestions were a bust. I hate when that happens.

 

Best Wishes

 

Thanks for clarifying schlumpy. I see what you mean about the last minute now. I don't know why I keep hitting that issue. I think it's because I neglect housework and suchlike due to exhaustion. I need time to tidy up, etc., and one guy practically refused to accept that and just turned up.

 

Yours and your partner's suggestions were really well though-out actually and I do appreciate that you took the trouble. I'm open to ideas, research, anything that might give me a new perspective on this. Doctors have been totally useless and I have had to fight for any help on that front. It's appalling really.

 

Socialising has become a problem. I used to go to music groups too but the abdominal problem cropped up and I suddenly felt embarassed to go out. Since then, I have avoided social situations. I have to go to work because I have no choice, or I would not be going there either. The fatigue means I don't have any energy after work, so socialising has become really difficult.

 

I am so glad people have replied. I have felt so utterly alone with all this.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for your suggestions livingwater. Until recently, I did not have any spare funds for naturopaths or any kind of private practitioner. I was reliant on the health service. I am lucky in that I am in the UK where we have a health service; however, they are good with obvious mechanical physical problems but if a blood test does not show a problem or a physical examination does not show something broken, then you are pretty much stuck.

 

I suppose I don't have much faith in professionals any more, though I am considering going to a private place which specialises in problems like mine. I do not want to spend a lot of money to be told I need to get enough sleep, eat lots of fresh veg, drink plenty of water and exercise. It all takes energy and motivation and in the past I did all those things - I was vegetarian, cooked amazing food with fresh veg, cycled to work, etc. I felt exhausted and in pain a lot of the time. I suppose this is why I feel so hopeless; I did all the right things and none of it helped.

 

If I'm honest, I feel cheated and angry because I did my best and still ended up with all sorts of problems. Sorry for the grumble, I hope you can understand where I am coming from.

Edited July 28, 2019 by spiderowl

[schlumpy]

If I'm honest, I feel cheated and angry because I did my best and still ended up with all sorts of problems. Sorry for the grumble, I hope you can understand where I am coming from.

 

I can't think of one damn good reason not to feel that way. You are being cheated and you have no one to blame or to fight back against. God or the universe does come to mind but you could shake your fist at the sky for all the good it will do you. You’ve come to realize how little medical science actually knows compared to what they would like us to believe they know.

 

You get tired of Family, friends and well-intentioned strangers responding to your health condition with gruesome stories of their own. Rummaging through the closet of their own fears about the future. You learn that sympathy has a price.

 

Your world is shrinking when it should be expanding. Please believe me when I say I do know that feeling but I don’t get to complain. I chose to stay - you are locked in.

 

I did a little cruising on the net last night and I ran across something new at The Ohio State University. They are working on a test for diagnostic purposes. That’s not a cure but it is small step towards understanding what is causing the condition. I’ll include the link.

 

https://www.thelantern.com/2019/04/ohio-state-researchers-develop-definitive-test-for-fibromyalgia/

 

I read what the Mayo clinic site had to offer and a couple of other medical sites. The best medical description of what causes fibromyalgia is sketchy at best and includes a lot of symptomology and causal relationships. I acknowledge that this information is more than likely already known to you and that the reiteration forthwith is more for me to get my thoughts straight.

 

There seems to be a connection between a physical trauma such as being in a car wreck or a psychological trauma that allows the onset of fibromyalgia. They think that chemical changes in the brain cause the nerves to heighten their sensitivity to pain signals. A pain signal comes in at a 2 but is processed out as a 6 on a scale of 1 -10. So, a paper cut engenders as much pain as a knife wound if I may exaggerate.

 

This explanation, if sound, actually gives me some hope. My logic center says that if the brain can be trained to heighten the sensation of pain then it stands to reason that the brain can be trained to minimize the sensation of pain.

 

That was almost a poetic stanza. I didn’t realize it until I reread it.

 

Training as in active or passive, voluntary or involuntary certainly works and is proven. If you lift weights you get stronger. Take up running you will increase your stamina. I lost my gloves one winter and put off getting a new pair. The constant exposure to the cold thickened the skin on my hands so that I never noticed the cold above -6 Celsius. I’d always wondered about how ancient people lived in the cold, but I never considered that their bodies would adapt just like my hands did that year.

 

When I play guitar the fingertips on my left hand have callouses. In high school we discovered in electronics class that we could increase our resistance to current flow. We would hold onto the terminals of a variable DC voltage generator (I know. Young and Dumb) and slowly crank up the dc voltage until we reached a limit. After two weeks we found that we could tolerate more current than we could before. Somehow our bodies were adapting in response.

 

If the medical theory for Fibromyalgia is valid and that’s a big if, retraining your brain to reduce your sensitivity and pain levels may be a goal within your reach.

The question that you now ask is: what training can bring about the desired result? Maybe a combination of mental and physical training? I don’t know. Then you are faced with the problem of what works well for one person doesn’t work well for another. It’s so much easier to just take a pill once a day.

 

I won’t bother to expand on this idea for the moment. It’s just for your consideration. For all I know you have spent two years with a yogi in Tibet and can now raise and lower your heart rate and blood pressure at will.

 

I believe you know my wife is originally German. I have had some contact with the German health service through her involvement and her parents. I am not aware of the differences in European health care between countries. She told me about taking the cure. They sent her off to a spa for 8 weeks where they controlled her diet and made her exercise all according to a master health plan. Very German, right? She didn’t remember it very fondly. Is such as option available for you? It may not help your physical problems, but it could reduce your stress level.

 

I imagine the forum moderator is ready to pull the plug on me for being off-topic so what the hey. I can’t let you go without asking if you have ever visited Stonehenge. I get a bit dreamy eyed at the idea of walking in ancient places or being among geological wonders.

 

My Korean friend was bragging to me two weeks ago about a trip his kids had purchased for him and his wife to Hawaii. He’s never understood why I don’t have children, so he likes to push them out in front to get a reaction from me. When he said Hawaii, I didn’t really hear the rest. He went on and on about the beaches until I finally rudely interrupted him and said, “What about the volcano?” There was dead silence on the line.

 

“What about it?”

 

“Did you go see it?” I was outraged that he went to Hawaii and had not bothered to see the volcano. How could this guy be my friend I was thinking, and he was thinking who is this weirdo that doesn’t know that Hawaii is about beaches.

 

In his defense, most opinion would probably come down on his side of the question.

 

I’ll keep you on my radar Spider. I’ve always perusing medical web sites anyway searching for new treatments or a bit of information that I can fit into my puzzle. I don’t like mysteries and just between you and me, I sometimes shake my fist at the sky.

 

Best Wishes

[spiderowl]

It sounds like you know what it's like schlumpy or your partner does.

 

Yes, inexplicable pain seems to be the main thing. After lots of research, I discovered the theory about enhanced pain signalling and it does fit. I wondered how people could cope with things like the dentist. Medical professionals seem so rough.

 

I have callouses on my hand too from playing guitar. Over years, I have learned to cope with this, but the anti-ds help. Everything was painful. For about two years when this first started to get worse, I thought I had swollen glands in my neck and felt like I was getting mumps or something. Eventually, I realised I was just feeling the sensation of blood running through arteries and it was uncomfortable to the point of feeling ill. That's the problem, it makes me feel ill because I am feeling things that I should not be conscious of. It is impossible to explain to anyone how that feels and how it fills every minute of the day. Sleep is a break from it.

 

Thank you for your research. The test looks interesting. It will be interesting to see what the differences are between 'normal' people and those with fibro.

 

I have come to realise that people truly have different pain thresholds. A colleague of mine is just the opposite to me and has no sympathy whatsoever. The cold in particular makes life really difficult, especially if I cannot control the temperature or avoid a draught.

 

We don't have the same options here as in Germany. The spa treatment sounds awful, to be honest, and must be a bunch of 'normal' people who find these things 'invigorating' rather than painful. I have heard that some have tried wild swimming in winter. While taking anti-ds, I could contemplate doing that (before would have been nothing short of torture). I suspect the shock of the cold affects the nervous system's reaction to pain. I don't think I will be trying it though. I have become very deconditioned due to pain. I need to try to do something about this but it is not easy.

 

I have driven past Stonehenge. I was on my way to Cornwall with children. We were aiming for a campsite and had been driving for hours. Unfortunately, as we had to get to the site and put the tent up before dark, we had no time to linger. So Stonehenge was seen from a distance. I hope to go that way one day.

 

You are interested in geological features and I am interested in the weather. It goes back to previous work. For example, I would like to visit Chicago, 'the windy city', to experience this phenomena and to see the Lake. I'll probably never go but it is in the back of my mind. For some reason, I do not feel impelled to visit Vostok which has some of the coldest temperatures; I don't know why, lol.

Edited July 29, 2019 by spiderowl

[schlumpy]

I have a couple more links for you. No reply is necessary. If you can you use it then that's great. If not, then toss it down the bit bucket.

 

https://www.relieffactor.com/

 

This is a company that I first heard of while listening to talk radio. Now they do TV commercials so they seem to be growing. I can't vouch for the product. It's attractive but when you attempt to purchase it they will only accept credit cards and they stick you on auto renewal.

 

Now they say all you have to do is call and they will take off, but I've had some bad experiences with companies trying to talk you out of canceling in what I felt was an aggressive manner.

 

It's not that expensive so what have you got to lose?

 

https://www.everydayhealth.com/drugs/naltrexone

 

This drug I do know something about as my wife used it. At that time, the druggist had to make it up for us. She felt it did help her at first but she quit using it. She's rather take a Percocet and take a nap. It also is not expensive so it won't break the bank to give it try.

 

Best Wishes

[schlumpy]

Hi Spider,

 

Here's a link I check once in a while for new MS studies but it will also work for your condition.

 

https://www.centerwatch.com/clinical-trials/listings/condition/218/fibromyalgia/

 

You may already have it, so I hope you don't feel I'm wasting your time or that I'm a nuisance. Please feel free to tell me so if that's true. I'm not easily offended. My immunity to hurt feelings comes from 33 years of male bonding at work.

 

It's just that I think that people within our circle of circumstance need to support one another when given the chance.

 

Best Wishes

[spiderowl]

Thank you for the link schlumpy. It's interesting to see what trials are taking place.

 

I'm quite happy for any links or pointers. It's great that you are supportive and I do appreciate it.