My Child's Relationship with her EX Step-Parent

[Fractured_Heart]

BACKGROUND

 

My ex came into my life when my daughter was about 18 months old. Over time, we became close and she also became close to my daughter. Eventually we started a family together and had another child. The sisters - my daughters - are very close, as is their relationship to their mother/step-mother. Both girls are very close to me and our relationship is solid, loving and nurturing. Same goes for my older daughter's relationship with her biological mother.

 

VERY long story short - my ex and I did not do a great job of maintaining our relationship and about eight months ago she decided to leave. Despite, excellent growth on both our parts, reconciliation is not happening and the final paperwork of our separation will soon be made official. The girls are now 3 and 7 yo.

 

Since the separation, I've worked hard to coordinate my co-parenting schedules (note the plural) to make sure I have the kids with me at the same time as much as possible to continue to nurture their sisterhood. We have done a lot of family stuff together with my ex and I've even had my older daughter stay over with with her step-mom and sis a couple times. I've allowed my older daughter to maintain her connection with her step-mom and visa versa. Neither of us have been dating, though I have reason to believe that is or has already shifted for my ex. With that and the paperwork concluding an inevitable change is about to happen.

 

Though not directly expressed my older daughter is deeply hurt that her step-mom broke up the family and while I am not sure she quite has the capacity to cast blame, her allegiance is with me, her biological parent. She has had emotional struggles and anxiety since this happened. My ex has been ambiguous about her desire for a continuing relationship with her step-daughter. As described, she actively engages but she's also built quite a few emotional barriers.

 

THE QUESTION

 

What level of relationship, if any, with her step-mom is appropriate here forward for my older daughter? Factors: 1) My ex is unclear about what level of relationship she wants with her step-daughter. I need to have a clear conversation with her on this. 2) I am finding being around my ex to be more and more difficult. I used to hold the hope of reconciliation but turns out that only really served as a blinder to a lot behavior that has given me a great deal of pain aka this has been a nightmare 3) My ex is clearly building more of a wall, actively choosing to avoid "family time". 4) My daughter still reaches out to her step-mom, especially when her little sister is there and not with us. She clearly has a great deal of love for her. Again - her step-mom has been in her life since she as 18 months old.

5) I'm not particularly psyched about my daughter interacting with whoever my ex brings into her life. Related, is the fact that some of our "family time" has involved my ex's extended family, with whom, my daughter also has good relationships. However, my ex refuses to be around my extended family! (Just another pain point.) 6) I have extreme reservations about ever bringing another maternal figure into my daughter's life. I want the maternal relationships in her life to be stable and right now the best bet of that is her mother.

 

Sorry this is so long - but I want to give enough background and context to get some good advice and insight here. I'm sure this post will generate many questions about details which I will answer as they come up. I appreciate and need some help with this. I am devastated that my family is broken and to have lost the person I thought was my life partner, but my duty is to make things as right as I can for my daughters.

Edited July 28, 2019 by Fractured_Heart

[BaileyB]

Ah, this is so complicated.

 

I have no advice, except to say that these girls are lucky to have a parent who is working so hard to maintain a their connection to each other, despite a very complicated family dynamic. Kudos to you and best wishes.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How old are the girls?

[Mr. Lucky]

Some of these wheels set in motion when you blend families, and are accelerated when these families split. Is there a divorce or just partners separating?

 

Regardless, the kids have to come first. Only so many days in the week and so many trips back and forth you want to subject small children to. This leaves limited time for your oldest to interact with her STBX stepmom, and those occasions come at your expense. So I’m not sure, other than birthdays and Christmas, how practical it is to think there’ll be be an ongoing relationship there. Add in new romantic partners and life gets complicated quickly.

 

The adults have made their choices, all of which have consequences. From here on, you’ll need to prioritize your children...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

How old are the girls?

 

He said they’re 3 and 7...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He said they’re 3 and 7...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Omg I swear I looked for it three times. Thank you, Mr. Lucky .

 

Tough situation. If your ex was more willing/wanting to continue a relationship it would be a no brainer, but since she might not be, your daughter could end up getting hurt. The first step is obviously to talk to your ex about it and see if she's willing to have a schedule of including your daughter in activities with the 3 year old (but without any "new men."). How does your 7 year old's bio mom feel about all of it?

 

On days/weeks when she might feel sad about not being included, make sure to do something special just for her. Also, maybe consider some counseling for her?

[Fractured_Heart]

The first step is obviously to talk to your ex about it and see if she's willing to have a schedule of including your daughter in activities with the 3 year old (but without any "new men."). How does your 7 year old's bio mom feel about all of it?

 

On days/weeks when she might feel sad about not being included, make sure to do something special just for her. Also, maybe consider some counseling for her?

 

I am pretty sure she would be willing and be respectful of the parameters. But, that means sacrificing time with my older daughter, in a nutshell - coparenting her with her mother AND step-mother Also, I don't wish to be vengeful, but my ex chose to break this family - even with significant energy and self repair on both our parts to enable reconciliation. Every time my daughter spends time with her step-mom, she's reminded that our family is split and that her step-mom chose not just to separate from me but also from her. Something doesn't feel right about that. For my eldest daughter, her household family is now me and her half-sister in one home and her bio Mom in the other.

 

And also for her bio Mom, I haven't had much feedback other than disappointment that the blended family I built has not stayed together. Over time, she came to appreciate having a stable maternal counterpart for her daughter.

 

I guess that's what's so frustrating about all this - so little drama around all this. Just an ex who stopped wanting to work on a relationship that admittedly had gone sideways.

Edited July 28, 2019 by Fractured_Heart

[Marc878]

BACKGROUND

 

Though not directly expressed my older daughter is deeply hurt that her step-mom broke up the family and while I am not sure she quite has the capacity to cast blame, her allegiance is with me, her biological parent. She has had emotional struggles and anxiety since this happened. My ex has been ambiguous about her desire for a continuing relationship with her step-daughter. As described, she actively engages but she's also built quite a few emotional barriers.

 

 

You need to wake up.

 

Your X has no interest in your daughter. It will become more evident over time. Her current ambiguity tells you that.

 

Rather than expose her to more of what's coming step up and be the best parent you can. You have your time and the X has hers. Cut everything else off.

 

Trying to play happy family hoping for a fairy tale ending will only confuse and hurt your daughter more. Plus it will keep you bound up in this as well.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I am pretty sure she would be willing and be respectful of the parameters. But, that means sacrificing time with my older daughter, in a nutshell - coparenting her with her mother AND step-mother

 

Well, I hadn't thought of that, but you're right . The step mom certainly does not deserve anything. Maybe just take it day by day and let your daughter lead. Maybe she won't ask her to see her stepmom as much as you think she will and she'll be ok with visits only sporadically (and eventually rarely).

[JuneL]

I think you can arrange your custody schedules such that both of your daughters are with you on the same days so they can have plenty of sibling times together. In other words, when your 7yo is with her biological mother, your 3yo is with hers.

 

I don’t understand this need to have family times for the 4 of you together, sorry. I suspect you may just want to use this as an excuse to get back with your ex. Since the biological mother of your older daughter is heavily involved in her life, the stepmom can play the role of a cute auntie from now on.

 

Finally please think very very carefully before you have a baby with yet another woman — it’s going to make things even messier for the kids.

 

p.s. Was your 7yo even born before you and her biological mother separated?

Edited July 28, 2019 by JuneL

[Fractured_Heart]

 

Finally please think very very carefully before you have a baby with yet another woman — it’s going to make things even messier for the kids.

 

p.s. Was your 7yo even born before you and her biological mother separated?

 

Just to keep this on topic and to answer your questions in brief: I will not be having a baby with another woman. My 7yo was born before her Mom and I separated.

 

My question in the here and now is how to best support my older daughter as she is potentially losing a relationship with someone who she has loved and who has been very important to her throughout her life. I am doing everything I can to schedule my parenting time so she and her sister are together with me, but sometimes her little sister will be with her Mom.

 

No doubt I made mistakes in the past. However, I entered this now dissolving relationship with caution and complete commitment to building a stable family. I did not want this and I feel at peace with doing everything I could to enable a path to reconciliation. However, that path takes two. I can and will deal with that loss. The priority though, is not me, it's my two wonderful daughter and in this crappy and complicated scenario, especially the eldest.

Edited July 28, 2019 by Fractured_Heart

[Mr. Lucky]

The priority though, is not me, it's my two wonderful daughter and in this crappy and complicated scenario, especially the eldest.

 

You have loss and in loss there is sadness, no way around it. Both your daughters will at times want the impossible, you’ll just have to deal and explain. From your description, your STBX is already detaching from the former family unit and focusing on her child. You should do the same...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blanco]

It's a tough situation. If the girls were a bit older, I would just step back and allow for them to nurture their relationship on their own terms. That would be the easiest way, since it seems that any sort of co-parenting between you and your ex is increasingly looking like wishful thinking.

 

I don't really have any advice. If your ex is already dipping her toes in the dating waters again, it would explain why she's doing a bit of a slow fade on you and your efforts to maintain some semblance of a relationship among the four of you. She's probably becoming more aware of how complicated this could be anyway, and even more so if she begins dating another man. Most guys aren't going to want an ex hanging around, especially if he's got no biological ties.

 

Years ago, I dated a woman with two young children. We eventually tried the blended family thing, and it failed for a variety of reasons. Given my close bond with the children, we set out to keep ties. But my ex started dating again, and I knew it was best for me to step out of the way and let the next guy assume my role.

 

I did reconnect with the kids a couple years ago, at the urging of my ex. It was a mixed bag. They were delighted to see me, and I thought I was getting a second chance with them. Unfortunately, my ex eventually withdrew and all but stopped initiating plans for me to see the kids. She's dating someone else now and I pretty much don't hear from her anymore, and haven't seen the kids in some time. It honestly hurt, and it was like a mild version of the breakup all over again.

 

I guess I'm saying this because I would've probably been better off just letting sleeping dogs lie. Instead, I spent a lot of time getting invested again, only to be hurt once more.

 

I'm not saying this will happen to you, but if your ex is withdrawing, you'll eventually feel like an intruder in her life. And if she starts seeing someone seriously, there will always be the chance that the day comes where she feels the need to sever ties with you once and for all. You have to ask yourself if maybe the smart thing to do is cash out right now instead of waiting weeks/months/years for the shoe to drop and you be faced with the loss at that time.

[Fractured_Heart]

Thank you for the thoughtful advice and personal perspective, @Blanco.

 

One piece of advice I got today is kind of sticking. Move on from the family time - whether that's the four of us hanging out pretending to be a family, or my daughter and I attending get togethers with my ex's extended family, or my daughter hanging out at her step-mom's home and thus having to succumb to a THIRD set of home rules. These scenarios produce pain and confusion for both my daughter and me.

 

But since I do not wish to actively cut off my daughter from her step mom - there is love that goes both ways between the two - allow my ex to initiate and invite my daughter along on occasional outings with the clear understanding that these will only be her (no new partner or eventual spouse), our biological daughter and my daughter. These might be things like going to see a movie, a hike or trip to the park, library, zoo, etc. That gives them both choice - my ex to initiate an outing and my daughter to accept the invitation to go on an outing with her step-mom and sister. The relationship will either evolve or fade away naturally. Either way, the sister relationship will be nurtured by me - I am their biological father. And it imposes a non-ambiguous "rule of engagement" for my ex and clarity for my daughter on what to expect from her step-mom.

 

What do ya'll think?

Edited July 30, 2019 by Fractured_Heart

[Blanco]

I'm trying to form a response while minimally drawing from my own situation. I think if the ex is up for it, you should facilitate the relationship between the girls. That's it.

 

Family outings as a foursome are probably a thing of the past. I know that hurts to hear, because on paper, continuing on with those outings in some capacity seems sensible and possible. But I think you'll find that as time goes on, it's not for whatever reason. Maybe it's your ex withdrawing. Maybe it's her eventual partner not liking it. In my situation, we went through several months of weekly outings when my ex was in between partners. It was great fun, but there was an inherent sadness to it, because I know it wasn't sustainable. Either she was going to meet someone or I was, and at that point, hanging out with an ex, even with kids present, becomes a potential conflict.

 

I also don't know if you should push for a continued relationship between the ex and your daughter. I guess that would be up to the ex, but from the sounds of it, she's withdrawing. So she might not even be interested in maintaining that relationship, hard as it is to hear that.

[Fractured_Heart]

Family outings as a foursome are probably a thing of the past.

 

Yes, that is exactly what I am stating is already happening and should continue.

 

 

I also don't know if you should push for a continued relationship between the ex and your daughter. I guess that would be up to the ex, but from the sounds of it, she's withdrawing. So she might not even be interested in maintaining that relationship, hard as it is to hear that.

 

I'm suggesting offering my ex a clear boundary for interaction with her step-daughter. If she's not interested the relationship fades and I haven't blocked or for that matter, pushed anything.

 

I realize this is super complicated and confusing!

[Blanco]

That's fine, and you can put that out there. But it's important to pay attention to her actions and not her words. It's possible she'll say she wants to continue a relationship with her step-daughter, but her actions will not align with that.

 

If over time, you notice that she makes little or no effort to maintain a relationship with your daughter, then you have to make the decision whether or not to stop trying to facilitate one.

[Mr. Lucky]

What do ya'll think?

 

I’d guess over time, your problem will solve itself. Based on what I’ve seen, you ex will lose interest in anything but birthday cards and Christmas presents as she moves on with her life. Given the likelihood of new partners and maybe more kids, your family and her stepdaughter will fade from view.

 

Your job will be helping your daughter through the process. Such is life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[amaysngrace]

I’m not sure why you’re asking her to cater to your demands of keeping your girls close. That’s your job.

[Blanco]

I agree with Mr. Lucky. It's more complicated, but it's not unlike when a couple splits and there's talk of remaining "friends." It's usually a more diplomatic way of saying there's no hard feelings, but any semblance of a real bond will fade away as these two people establish their post-relationship lives.

 

I admire your desire to maintain some of the family cohesion, OP, but the reality is, you guys are no longer a family in most sense of the word. Your wife leaving has forever changed the dynamic among the four of you. She may never say it with words, but her actions over time will eventually show you that she is not interested in maintaining any sort of true relationship with her stepdaughter or with you.

 

That doesn't mean you can't hope for some cohesion for now, but just be prepared for this to further dissipate as the divorce is finalized and your wife starts seeing other men.

[Fractured_Heart]

I’m not sure why you’re asking her to cater to your demands of keeping your girls close. That’s your job.

 

I am not sure I understand your comment. I am not asking, let alone demanding, my ex keep my girls close. I am trying to find the best way to ease this transition for my older daughter, since, as other posters have pointed out, the step-daughter / step-mom relationship will very likely fade over time. Yep, it's my job to keep the sisterhood strong. They will have each other long after their mothers and I are gone.

[amaysngrace]

I was under the impression that you were wanting your daughters’ mothers to work with you so that your children could have visitation together. I’m sorry if I misinterpreted that.

[BC1980]

I don't think you should actually do that much in this case. This will likely work itself out as your daughter gets older. It's awkward right now for all involved, but I think too much intervention here won't work. I would just let things happen naturally. It's possible that as your daughter gets older and can make more decisions for herself, she and her stepmom will rekindle their relationship. Or she might simply move on and view that as a past relationship. You can't predict how all of this will work out when the separation is so recent. Everyone needs time to step back and evaluate things.