Romantic competition

[Bantosm]

I've dated several coworkers in the past and I didn't have any real concerns. In this case it's just too risky. I'm going to be transferring in 3 weeks so I planned on asking her out towards that end.

 

She is involved in a long distance relationship which I figured to be a big complication but I at least I wouldn't have any competition. I was wrong. A few days, ago the vender who comes to the building once a week, unexpectedly flirted with her, jokingly asked her out. He was only testing the waters but she was definitely blushing and seemed flustered. Once she left, the vendor asked another co-worker the woman's name in question, so no doubt he's interested in her.

 

Maybe I'm reading too much to her reaction to the vendor's flirting but it appears that her long distance relationship was not as significant as I thought. If I wait a few weeks it may be too late. Should I wait it out as planned or consider making a move?

[basil67]

Her reaction tells me that she felt uncomfortable being put in this position. Not sure how it led you to the conclusion that her LDR isn't significant.

[elaine567]

Not sure why you see her LDR is not significant nor any competition to you.

Of course she is going to be flustered as she turned the other guy down and that can be difficult to do face to face and the flirting caught her off guard. It has no bearing on the state of her current relationship, she may still be madly in love with her bf or not.

Who knows?

Next time he sees the "flirty guy", she may be more receptive to his advances or she may just avoid.

 

As for your situation.

Asking women out who have bfs, is always a risky venture.

Even if her relationship is dreadful or on its last legs, not all just want to leap straight into another relationship.

You know she has a bf, so you would be in effect asking her to cheat on her bf by dating you, not everyone would be willing to do that.

 

Have you had any indication that she likes you enough to date you?

[Bantosm]

Her reaction tells me that she felt uncomfortable being put in this position. Not sure how it led you to the conclusion that her LDR isn't significant.

She was uncomfortable but being nervous and blushing indicate attraction. I seen women who I knew to be in strong relationships get hit on and they generally appeared annoyed and often mention the fact they have a boyfriend.

 

Not sure why you see her LDR is not significant nor any competition to you.

Like I said I considered the LDR to be a big complication. No competition referred to the fact it was known that she was involved in a LDR so few were willing to make any effort.

 

Of course she is going to be flustered as she turned the other guy down and that can be difficult to do face to face and the flirting caught her off guard. It has no bearing on the state of her current relationship, she may still be madly in love with her bf or not.

Who knows?

Next time he sees the "flirty guy", she may be more receptive to his advances or she may just avoid.

Yeah, she didn't agree to a date but she sure didn't turn him down. Again, he was only joking. If he tries again with a genuine effort, I think he succeeds.

 

As for your situation.

Asking women out who have bfs, is always a risky venture.

Even if her relationship is dreadful or on its last legs, not all just want to leap straight into another relationship.

You know she has a bf, so you would be in effect asking her to cheat on her bf by dating you, not everyone would be willing to do that.

 

Have you had any indication that she likes you enough to date you?

 

There have been indications she interested in me and normally I would persue it. In this case she and I work together so it was too risky. Yeah she has a boyfriend but evidentaly she hasn't seen him in over five months. Cheating? No. I wouldn't date her while she had a boyfriend. I would ask her out.

[basil67]

She was uncomfortable but being nervous and blushing indicate attraction. I seen women who I knew to be in strong relationships get hit on and they generally appeared annoyed and often mention the fact they have a boyfriend.

 

I've never blushed when attracted. Never ever. But I sure have blushed when I've been put on the spot in a very awkward situation. Don't read too much into her reaction.

 

A woman doesn't always mention her boyfriend when she rejects an advance. A simple "no thank you" will suffice. Whether or not she has a boyfriend is not something the guy asking has any need to know - all he needs to know is that she said "no".

[preraph]

You can't tell what she was thinking about the vendor. Blushing is more often embarrassment than being hot for the person. My guess is she felt awkward he was hitting on her. Unless he's real hot or something, I wouldn't draw any conclusions.

 

 

Don't know what her relationship is with the LDR, but if it's serious, she'll say no.

[Bantosm]

I've never blushed when attracted. Never ever.

I find that hard to believe. Blushing is an involuntary response and many websites on flirting and body language cite as an indication of attraction. Are these websites in the business of dispersing misinformation? I've blushed when I've been attracted and had women who were attracted to me blush, it is wholly natural.

 

A woman doesn't always mention her boyfriend when she rejects an advance. A simple "no thank you" will suffice. Whether or not she has a boyfriend is not something the guy asking has any need to know - all he needs to know is that she said "no".

That is just it, she didn't say no. She blushed and smiled at him.

 

You can't tell what she was thinking about the vendor. Blushing is more often embarrassment than being hot for the person. My guess is she felt awkward he was hitting on her. Unless he's real hot or something, I wouldn't draw any conclusions.

 

 

Don't know what her relationship is with the LDR, but if it's serious, she'll say no.

Blushing is more often embarrassment than being hot for the person-is that fact or your opinion? Again that goes against what is cited on various body language/dating websites. The vender guy is probably better looking than I am but my real concern is that he can go all out for her and even if he fails there is little consequence.

[Arieswoman]

Bantosm,

Dating coworkers isn't a good idea, in fact in some organisations it isn't allowed.

 

 

If the r'ship fails it can be hurtful/embarassing/awkward to see that person every day.

 

 

Just my 2 penneth.....

[Bantosm]

Bantosm,

Dating coworkers isn't a good idea, in fact in some organisations it isn't allowed.

 

 

If the r'ship fails it can be hurtful/embarassing/awkward to see that person every day.

 

 

Just my 2 penneth.....

Exactly. That's why I was hesitant until my transfer is near and why the vendor guy has such an advantage. I only considered trying because by that time it may be too late.

[Michelle ma Belle]

So you know she's in another relationship (regardless what kind) yet you're still thinking about asking her out?

 

I think you need to give your head a shake.

[PRW]

Just offer her a date and get on with it.

She will either take you up on it,...or she won't,...problem solved.

 

Take your lesson from the vendor. He did not ask her history, her level of commitment to an LDR, or anything else, he just made an offer. The fact that he did it with a light hearted attitude was a big advantage. He didn't turn it into a big SERIOUS thing. You can learn something from that guy. He didn't worry about if she was in any kind of relationship with anyone,...he just made his offer in a light hearted non-threatening way, and just let her "take it or leave it".

 

As far as the LDR, that is between them and as the saying goes, "None of your business". If she is more serious with the guy and wants to stick with him she will decline your offer and tell you so. If they are keeping it more light and allow each other to date others (again between them and none of your business) then maybe she will accept your offer as long as she doesn't think you are going to start "pricing rings and naming babies" by the next morning.

[PRW]

Yeah, she didn't agree to a date but she sure didn't turn him down. Again, he was only joking. If he tries again with a genuine effort, I think he succeeds.

Probably.

 

Seems like he kinda knows what he is doing.

 

Yeah she has a boyfriend but evidentaly she hasn't seen him in over five months. Cheating?

That isn't a boyfriend. That is an excuse,...it is how she keeps away the guys who aren't bold and attractive,...she just says, "I have a BF", and they go away.

 

No. I wouldn't date her while she had a boyfriend.

See, it worked, you went away,...unlike the vendor guy.

 

In a case like that they say, I have a BF",...you make a joke out of it to show you aren't full of drama and seriousness. You can say something like "I have a gold fish",...or "he has 6 other nights this week,...I'm only need one", or "He can keep you busy when I'm not around". But the idea is to keep it light hearted and not drama filled seriousness.

Edited July 30, 2019 by PRW

[basil67]

Bantosm, your research is incomplete. Blushing is caused by an adrenaline rush as part of a 'flight or fight' response. People can blush when angry, frustrated, embarrassed and yes, attracted. Have you really never heard of blushing from embarrassment? I can't begin to imagine how flustered this woman would have been with being asked out in her office space in front of others.

 

If a woman blushes when you approach her, make sure to remember the whole gamut of possible causes. https://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/emotions/blush.htm

 

And no, I have truly never blushed when attracted to someone. I don't waste my adrenaline on blushing - I act on the attraction.

Edited July 30, 2019 by basil67

[Bantosm]

That isn't a boyfriend. That is an excuse,...it is how she keeps away the guys who aren't bold and attractive,...she just says, "I have a BF", and they go away.

I agree with you 100% on that. Yet most here will disagree and comment something like:

So you know she's in another relationship (regardless what kind) yet you're still thinking about asking her out?

 

I think you need to give your head a shake.

 

See, it worked, you went away,...unlike the vendor guy.

I didn't go away. Unlike the vender guy who comes in once a week for 15-20 minutes. I work with with her 5 days a week/7 hours a day. There is no comparison.

 

Bantosm, your research is incomplete.

Then so are numerous websites:

When we are attracted to someone, blood will flow to our face, causing our cheeks to get red. This happens to mimic the orgasm effect where we get flushed. It is an evolutionary way the body tries to attract the opposite sex. This is why women wear blush. This also happens with lips and eyes. The redder the lips and the whiter the eyes the more fertile and attractive someone is.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-body-language-of-attraction_b_3673055

 

Have you really never heard of blushing from embarrassment?

Why would she be embarrassed? She received what amounts to be a major compliment in front of her colleagues from a man who most women would say is attractive.

And no, I have truly never blushed when attracted to someone. I don't waste my adrenaline on blushing - I act on the attraction.

You don't waste adrenaline on blushing?

Again, blushing is an automatic response which you have no control over so it seems highly improbable that you haven't blushed when attracted to someone. Besides, as the website I cited, notes blushing is actually a way the human body acts on attraction.

[basil67]

Ok,since you're the blush expert......you know what a blush feels like....the hot flush thing? If I have blushed when attracted to someone, why haven't I felt it in my skin?

 

Also, I don't wear blush to look like I'm blushing with attraction. I wear it to soften my features and so that I look less corpselike.

Edited July 31, 2019 by basil67

[Mysterio]

Looking at the Long Distance aspect of this post. If I was having a romantic Long Distant relationship. That woman for me would have to be out of this world. Unless one of us is planning on moving to another city for each other. Long distance does not work for most people.

[Bantosm]

I ended up being able to take an earlier transfer date. Unfortunately, she was on a short vacation at the time, so I wasn't able to ask her in person which I would have much preferred. Instead I asked her via social media.

 

I figured she would consider the idea and talk about it. At the very least, mention her long distance relationship and say she's not interested. Instead, no reply. It's been 3 days but she hasn't posted anything in that time so maybe she hasn't signed in since that time or needs to think it over. I think asking with social media was too weak, it put no pressure on her to admit any feelings for me.