Try to dump him and this happens....

[LilySun]

I have had reasons to end my LDR for awhile, I only used via text because we already text all the time and I would have cried trying to make a video. Anyway I made it as loving as possible and left friendship open. I said it breaks my heart but it's just something I have to do.

 

His response? (Few hrs later)....he has a life crisis that has come to surface and he won't be able to contact me until he deals with it, etc. What is this? My friends say he just wants me to feel sorry for him and reconsider...or for some reason he is just trying to delay this conversation. But why? I told him to say he feels, if he'd like to. He had that opportunity.

 

I do believe the crisis is true, as I am aware of things in life that were probably going to blow up eventually. I will not bother to explain this however I know it's not a lie bcuz the very thing is something I thought would happen already.

 

But I am still confused why this is all he has to say when I am trying to end this, he knows I love him and he is not even commenting on everything I said. ?

[BaileyB]

Reasons why he may have done this -

 

1. He is actually going through a life crisis and he does not have time to text you.

2. He is trying to save face.

3. This relationship has meant more and been more serious for you than him.

4. He has his eye on someone else and the loss of your long distance relationship is not as keenly felt for him as it is for you.

 

There could be so many reasons... don’t waste your time trying to hypothesize, you may never know what’s happening in his life. Look forward, not behind. I hope you find someone local to date next time.

 

Take care.

[Normm]

Breaking up with someone via text is cowardly. So what you'd cry in a video, pick up the phone and tell him, he deserves better than a text or recording.

 

 

That much being said it appears he already had an exit strategy so move on, and be more forthcoming in your next relationship. Texting is to say hello not goodbye.

[preraph]

He's deflecting and hoping this will just go away and you'll still talk to him because he has a need. I think you shouldn't have done the friendship offer because it's leaving the door open in his mind to more. You should go scarce for long enough for him to accept it's over at the least.

[LilySun]

Breaking up with someone via text is cowardly. So what you'd cry in a video, pick up the phone and tell him, he deserves better than a text or recording.

 

 

That much being said it appears he already had an exit strategy so move on, and be more forthcoming in your next relationship. Texting is to say hello not goodbye.

 

 

Why bother with "exit strategy " if I already said it should be over? Wouldn't it be easier to just agree and that's it? Lol... If he was looking for an out I gave it to him, so why need a strategy?

[Normm]

I have no clue what he's thinking but that's not even the point. You're done with him, you didn't even break up with him "to his face" on the phone, you sent him a text saying it's over, so why do you care what he does and why he's doing it?

 

 

If you want guesses then my next one is "He's in shock and his life crisis is in fact you breaking up with him". Therefore he needs time to digest the contents of your text before he decides what to do next.

[BaileyB]

To be fair Lily, your relationship has been an awful lot of indirect communication and wondering what he is thinking/why he does certain things. This is certainly consistent with the nature of the relationship and the problems you have struggled with throughout.

 

Long distance relationship predispose themselves to these difficulties. Another reason why it’s better to date someone with whom you can have a relationship in real life.

[LilySun]

To be fair Lily, your relationship has been an awful lot of indirect communication and wondering what he is thinking/why he does certain things. This is certainly consistent with the nature of the relationship and the problems you have struggled with throughout.

 

Long distance relationship predispose themselves to these difficulties. Another reason why it’s better to date someone with whom you can have a relationship in real life.

 

We had just spent a whole month together. It made me realize I love him too much and the distance thing is just too hard for me anymore. It was too painful to see him leave. But we had a friendship already before the intimacy. So I said all this in the text and said we can easily resume that friendship. Why not just say he understands and agrees. Or that he needs to take some time and get back to me? I feel like it's an odd response to disregard my feelings completely and just say I have stuff going on, I will contact you eventually....what the heck? I think anyone would wonder why they got a response like that one. It leaves me hanging. I don't have a clue if he's happy or sad about it, nothing.

[elaine567]

I don't have a clue if he's happy or sad about it, nothing.

It is a irrelevant.

YOU dumped him, it is now over.

Or did you "dump" him to make a point?

[BaileyB]

I said all this in the text and said we can easily resume that friendship.

 

Except, you can’t be friends. You had just spent a month together, you were intimate, you have feelings for each other - you can’t be friends again. Once you have crossed that boundary, you can’t go back. And, it will be difficult for both of you to heal and move on if you stay in contact.

 

Did he have any idea that this is how you were feeling? Or did your request to “be friends” come out of the blue? If that was the case, I can imagine that he was stunned. You’ve had time to think about this, he has not.

 

You must now give him time to process this changing circumstance and respect his wish to distance yourselves. If you can for him, which I’m sure you do, you need to let him go now...

[LilySun]

Except, you can’t be friends. You had just spent a month together, you were intimate, you have feelings for each other - you can’t be friends again. Once you have crossed that boundary, you can’t go back. And, it will be difficult for both of you to heal and move on if you stay in contact.

 

Did he have any idea that this is how you were feeling? Or did your request to “be friends” come out of the blue? If that was the case, I can imagine that he was stunned. You’ve had time to think about this, he has not.

 

You must now give him time to process this changing circumstance and respect his wish to distance yourselves. If you can for him, which I’m sure you do, you need to let him go now...

 

I only need him to say if he agrees or disagrees. I don't feel like it's over until one of those things happen. It officially feels like my attempt to end my pain has failed. Instead I'm still hurting. When he suggested distance, he used his life problems as the reason for that. In no way did he imply that he needs space because of me, but because of something else. Basically everything I said was not addressed by him at all so it doesn't really feel over. It broke my heart to end it but knew it's something I had to do and I just want his understanding I feel this way. I didn't get any of that. It was just about how he's going through stuff and basically this conversation didn't even seem important to him. Now I'm hurt even more than I already was hurting. And he basically told me to wait for his contact at a later time. So if I am not important to him why not just say he agrees to end it and not contact me anymore. Maybe I shouldn't feel this confused but I do.

[BaileyB]

Oh Lily, sometimes you have to create your own closure.

 

But I’m this case, his lack of response is his response. It is your answer.

 

You dumped him. You don’t get to now require him to tell you he accepts it or disagrees. He’s not your boyfriend anymore - he doesn’t owe you anything.

[FMW]

Unfortunately other people don't always provide us with the responses we want and need.

 

You don't need him to agree or disagree, you made your decision. Nothing is up in the air, it's done. So now you move on, leave it behind you.

 

The only reason for confusion is if you are wanting him to fight for you and so you're willing to wait for him to contact you later. If that's what you're feeling, it's a bad position to be in. And one that you choose.

[BaileyB]

You don't need him to agree or disagree, you made your decision.

 

The only reason for confusion is if you are wanting him to fight for you.

 

Exactly. Those kinds of games don’t usually work the way we hope. Either you love him and you want to be with him. Or, the long distance relationship is too hard and you need to let him go... Either way, you make the decision that you need to make. He will do the same.

[LilySun]

Unfortunately other people don't always provide us with the responses we want and need.

 

You don't need him to agree or disagree, you made your decision. Nothing is up in the air, it's done. So now you move on, leave it behind you.

 

The only reason for confusion is if you are wanting him to fight for you and so you're willing to wait for him to contact you later. If that's what you're feeling, it's a bad position to be in. And one that you choose.

 

Well then, he should have left out saying "I will contact you later". Why bother to even say that?

[FMW]

Who knows why he said that, but the point is it shouldn't matter to you if you have truly decided you're done. You're giving him a whole lot of power over your emotions.

 

Claim the power of your decision.

[Normm]

I think I got it now. You want to end things with him but for some odd reason you think you need his permission. You asked for the breakup and he said "I'll get back to you after I deal with a few major issues". Now you're stuck, waiting for him to authorize the breakup.

 

This reminds me of a joke I heard a while back. A cop stops and watches as a little girl runs in circles around her block a few times. Finally he stops her and says "Little girl why are you running in circles around your block?". She says "I'm running away from home but I'm not allowed to cross the street".

[TooBad]

Well then, he should have left out saying "I will contact you later". Why bother to even say that?

 

 

 

You tried to control a situation that is beyond your control. Even now you still try. and you tried to do so in the most negative and cowardly way one can think off. You now suffer the consequences of that action. Your action. Deal with it.

[Maddie82]

Why are you wasting your energy over analyzing this? He's just evading it. You've done what you needed to do. You gave him the option of keeping a friendship so that's that. It's done. Carry on with your life now. Put him out of you mind. If he reaches out to you then address it, but for now, it's done.

[LilySun]

Update, I heard from him today. He is still dealing with a pretty major life situation. But he told me that I deserve to be happy and he loves me, etc. He thought I was saying he doesn't make me happy, which is not actually true, I just have emotions over weather or not this can keep working, because of distance. The closer we get emotionally the harder distance has become for me. I guess deep down I don't want it to end I just have doubts. We agreed to stay in touch and will probably address this more after his life settles down. For now he really needs my friendship so I'm willing to give him that sincere he is going through a tough time. This will give me time to think about this more. He is willing to just be whatever I want him to be, so the choice is all mine and I will need to make that a solid choice and not go back and forth on him again. Thank you all for listening.

[Normm]

Text: "This isn't working out, I want to break up, sorry can't do it over the phone or in a video because I might cry".

 

 

Text: "Ok that's fine, whatever you want".

 

 

Text: "Wait now I'm not sure I want to break up".

[BaileyB]

He is willing to just be whatever I want him to be, so the choice is all mine

 

That’s nice, it doesn’t change the fact that you are long distance. Unless or until that changes, this relationship will be hard for you.

 

I will need to make that a solid choice and not go back and forth on him again.

 

Yes, you do. Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

So was this "break-up" really just an attempt to make him work harder at the relationship? To get him to snap to attention and do what you want?

 

That's how I'm reading it. Not cool, girl.

[BaileyB]

So was this "break-up" really just an attempt to make him work harder at the relationship? To get him to snap to attention and do what you want?

 

That's how I'm reading it. Not cool, girl.

 

I would suggest that it may have been an attempt to get some attention. It’s nice to have a man come back to you and say - “Oh no, I really want this. I want you.” I can see this particularly because you are long distance and not always feeling like you get enough attention and affection.

 

I also agree, if that is the case it is not cool.

[stillafool]

Honestly it sounds like you just called for a break up to get his attention. He knew this, knew you didn't mean it and now it's back to business as usual. Stop playing games, say what you mean, do what say you're going to do. People respect that and treat you better.