Wished me a happy birthday after 3 months on NC

[rjc149]

Hey all,

 

Won't complicate with a long backstory.

 

I was seeing a girl long-distance, was too aloof and emotionally closed, and she ended up starting something with a local guy who she said was the opposite of me emotionally. That was 3 months ago. I haven't contacted her since.

 

She sent me a happy birthday text today. Her birthday is the day after tomorrow.

 

I want to rekindle something if there's something worth rekindling. I am still kind of in love with her.

 

I'm wondering if I should respond with

 

1)'thanks' today, then wish her a happy birthday in two days

2) wait two days and respond with birthday wishes in kind

3) do the Corey Wayne approach and assume she's reaching out because she wants to see me, and try to set a date

 

Thoughts? Thanks in advance.

 

PS: Although I appreciate any feedback, I'm not interested in feedback like "no contact is for you, ignore her" or "an ex is an ex for a reason, drop all hope and move on with your life." I want to see if there's something still there with her. If not then okay, but I want to explore the possibility. Thanks.

Edited July 29, 2019 by rjc149

[Blanco]

PS: Although I appreciate any feedback, I'm not interested in feedback like "no contact is for you, ignore her" or "an ex is an ex for a reason, drop all hope and move on with your life." I want to see if there's something still there with her. If not then okay, but I want to explore the possibility. Thanks.

 

In other words, you only want to hear what you want to hear.

 

You two weren't ever an official couple. You're long distance. She was/is seeing someone else. None of this works in your favor.

 

I don't think she's reaching out to see if you'll propose a meet-up. She's probably figuring you've moved on from your feelings after three months and that it'd be OK to wish you well on your birthday. Some exes do that. Mine have. It never meant anything more than that.

 

But, I know that's not what you want to hear, so what I think you should do is put yourself out there so you can know for sure that she's not interested. I don't think she is, but maybe having her reiterate she's not interested will help you accept that it's time to work on moving on.

[Blanco]

Also, maybe go easy on the Corey Wayne stuff. The guy offers some good pointers, but I've watched enough of his videos that it was pretty obvious reading your other thread that you have as well.

 

All the acting aloof and trying to be mysterious stuff he suggests to build attraction. That stuff works, but mostly on the type of women who aren't exactly well adjusted. No, women don't want a blubbery mess of a guy, but contrary to what Wayne says in a lot of his videos, I see quality women being uninterested in continually investing in a guy they can't get a read on. Most will indulge for a bit, but after a while, they grow tired of it and go find someone who can actually be more "present" emotionally.

[ExpatInItaly]

All the acting aloof and trying to be mysterious stuff he suggests to build attraction. That stuff works, but mostly on the type of women who aren't exactly well adjusted. No, women don't want a blubbery mess of a guy, but contrary to what Wayne says in a lot of his videos, I see quality women being uninterested in continually investing in a guy they can't get a read on. Most will indulge for a bit, but after a while, they grow tired of it and go find someone who can actually be more "present" emotionally.

 

I absolutely second this. Some of his advice is alright; the rest only works on a certain kind of woman.

 

You could respond with a gracious thank and wish her a happy birthday when the day arrives, OP. See how and if she replies beyond thanking you. Don't assume it's an invitation to set up a date. Too much.

 

EDIT: I went back and read your other thread. I think she's just trying to be nice at this point.

Edited July 30, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[rjc149]

In other words, you only want to hear what you want to hear. You two weren't ever an official couple. You're long distance. She was/is seeing someone else. None of this works in your favor......

 

First off, thanks for the replies.

 

My postscript refers to a school of stock wisdom which basically asserts the following, "she's taking the chance to reopen lines of communication after 3 months of silence simply to be nice and polite, when actually, she wants nothing to do with you anymore." Followed by the advice to continue ignoring her.

 

This is in direct contrast to a school of wisdom, advocated by the likes of Corey Wayne, which states that it's fair to assume she's reopening communication because wants the d.

 

I don't think one is right and the other is wrong. I believe there is some validity to both approaches. I am not taking her birthday wishes as a green light to set a date, but it seems to me she desires to re-establish a dialogue. Which, given the somewhat ambiguous nature of our relationship and split, I do wish to explore.

Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[rjc149]

Also, maybe go easy on the Corey Wayne stuff. The guy offers some good pointers, but I've watched enough of his videos that it was pretty obvious reading your other thread that you have as well...

 

Yes, I came to learn that beyond the initial attraction/courtship phase, a woman needs to feel heard, understood, appreciated, and special, or she will lose her emotional connection and start checking out of the relationship. If the relationship does not grow into a warmer mode of interaction, it's not emotionally rewarding, and adds no value to her life.

Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[rjc149]

....You could respond with a gracious thank and wish her a happy birthday when the day arrives, OP. See how and if she replies beyond thanking you. Don't assume it's an invitation to set up a date. Too much.

 

EDIT: I went back and read your other thread. I think she's just trying to be nice at this point.

 

No I won't assume that. I'm not going to spend lots of time speculating why she is wishing me a happy birthday. There could be many reasons -- guilt for hurting me, anxiety and need for validation after 3 months of not validating her, honeymoon phase with the new guy ending, still being attracted to me, unwillingness to let me go forever given how long we've known each other, unfinished business and an open ending in the story of our relationship, just wanting to be nice, etc. It's probably a bit of everything. But it's hard to believe she is reaching out despite having zero interest in me whatsoever.

 

Well, it's a day later and I haven't responded to her text, so I think waiting until tomorrow to respond with birthday wishes to her is fine. I won't initiate further dialogue, just "Thanks _____. Happy birthday to you."

 

Thanks for your advice.

Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PRW]

1)'thanks' today, then wish her a happy birthday in two days

2) wait two days and respond with birthday wishes in kind

3) do the Corey Wayne approach and assume she's reaching out because she wants to see me, and try to set a date

Corey Wayne knows what he is talking about. Combine all three into a single communication that is short and to the point.

 

"Hi, thanks for the birthday wishes,...happy b-day to you too." Then in the next sentence offer a date in a casual way without a lot of "fanfare".

 

Don't get high hopes she will accept. If she does not accept, then be gracious,...you know the line,..."if you change your mind contact me,...nice chatting with you!". If she declines at least you did what you were supposed to do. It is on her now.

[Blanco]

I don't think one is right and the other is wrong. I believe there is some validity to both approaches. I am not taking her birthday wishes as a green light to set a date, but it seems to me she desires to re-establish a dialogue. Which, given the somewhat ambiguous nature of our relationship and split, I do wish to explore.

 

I guess maybe it depends on what her message actually said. If it was a boilerplate "happy birthday" type of message, then I think she's just trying to be nice. I've sent such texts to people I'm friendly with, but in those instances, I'm not really caring whether or not we then engage in a conversation or set up plans to hang out.

 

Now, if the text said something like "Happy birthday, I miss you" or something to that effect, then sure, it's fine to infer she's trying to re-establish communication with you. Otherwise, I think you're just projecting how you feel on to her.

[Blanco]

Corey Wayne knows what he is talking about. Combine all three into a single communication that is short and to the point.

 

Wayne's basic premise of quickly trying to establish an in-person meet-up with a woman you already know is fine, but I'm usually put off by his "If you change your mind, get a hold of me line." I know that's intended to show the woman that you hold no ill feelings, but to me, that sends the message that you're basically always going to be an available option to this person if and when she wants.

Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Marc878]

Breadcrumb. She's long distance so those never work out well anyway.

 

Why waste your time grasping at straws?

 

Keeping yourself tied up in this won't get you much except wasted time.

[rjc149]

It was "Happy birthday, Rob."

 

Which makes sense if she's testing the waters to see if I will respond, how I will respond, and if communication can be re-established.

 

I just think in this situation, texting "Happy birthday, I miss you" would be making herself too vulnerable, would be putting too much of herself out there. It would be too much. It's yet unclear if we are friendly again, unfriendly, how I feel, if I'm dating someone new, etc. This is the first contact after 3 months so this is a shot in the dark for her.

 

I don't think this is a situation where it's known that we are both over it and moved on, but still on friendly terms and she's just saying happy birthday to be friendly. I believe this is in part an effort to remove some ambiguity and uncertainty as to where she stands with me. Maybe for her own validation, maybe to reopen the door. But I doubt just to be innocuous and friendly.

 

Regardless, tomorrow I will respond with 'thanks, happy birthday to you" and go back to NC.

Edited July 30, 2019 by rjc149

[Blanco]

It was "Happy birthday, Rob."

 

Which makes sense if she's testing the waters to see if I will respond, how I will respond, and if communication can be re-established.

 

I don't agree. It's about as low-effort of a text as someone can send for the occasion.

 

I just think in this situation, texting "Happy birthday, I miss you" would be making herself too vulnerable, would be putting too much of herself out there. It would be too much. It's yet unclear if we are friendly again, unfriendly, how I feel, if I'm dating someone new, etc. This is the first contact after 3 months so this is a shot in the dark for her.

 

I didn't mean she had to explicitly say it. I meant she said something that you could realistically infer that she misses you. Something like, "Happy birthday. I was thinking about ____ the other day" or something that would open the floor for some back and for (e.g. "Happy birthday. Remember that time..."

 

Instead, she sent a vanilla, nondescript message.

 

I don't think this is a situation where it's known that we are both over it and moved on, but still on friendly terms and she's just saying happy birthday to be friendly. I believe this is in part an effort to remove some ambiguity and uncertainty as to where she stands with me. Maybe for her own validation, maybe to reopen the door. But I doubt just to be innocuous and friendly.

 

C'mon. Complete and total projection on your part. She starts seeing someone else, is unresponsive to you telling her that you love her, she doesn't talk to you for three months, but now that she sends a basic Happy Birthday message, you think it could mean all of these things? That's what you want it to mean, but there's no real basis for that being true.

 

Regardless, tomorrow I will respond with 'thanks, happy birthday to you" and go back to NC.

 

More games. Just tell her happy birthday, chat a bit, and try to arrange a meet-up soon. What are you going to do if you go back to NC and she doesn't reach out for several more months? Will you continue to pause your life?

 

I know this is hard, but you have to trust me that you can potentially waste months or years on waiting for this woman to "wake up." It's better to lay it out there and know for sure one way or the other and save yourself a lot of time and heartache.

[The Outlaw]

Don't do anything. She was just being thoughtful at this point. Send her a 'Thank you' text and continue to maintain NC. There's no point in trying to pursue if she's still with the other guy as you'll only wind up more disappointed in the end.

[basil67]

I think she does wish to re-establish communication. But the communication she wants may simply be catching up for coffee twice a year and tagging each other in the occasional FB meme.

 

Always remember that there are vastly different levels of communication.

[rjc149]

C'mon. Complete and total projection on your part. She starts seeing someone else, is unresponsive to you telling her that you love her, she doesn't talk to you for three months, but now that she sends a basic Happy Birthday message, you think it could mean all of these things? That's what you want it to mean, but there's no real basis for that being true.

 

More games. Just tell her happy birthday, chat a bit, and try to arrange a meet-up soon. What are you going to do if you go back to NC and she doesn't reach out for several more months? Will you continue to pause your life?

 

I know this is hard, but you have to trust me that you can potentially waste months or years on waiting for this woman to "wake up." It's better to lay it out there and know for sure one way or the other and save yourself a lot of time and heartache.

 

Again, this reply is very appreciated and I am grateful for it.

 

I just think that the boiler-plate "happy birthday Rob" is a very low-risk way to test the waters, to see if there is a line of communication open, before investing more into an interaction. After 3 months of silence I don't think many people are going to start contact with someone they are probably uneasy contacting by reminiscing about the good ol' days. Definitely not her.

 

When I told her I loved her, she said she did too and will continue to do so. Said in the moment, yes, but said. And upon retrospect I've come to understand and even sympathize with her wanting to explore an opportunity with an emotionally nurturing man physically present, over continuing some ambiguous status quo with my hot and cold player BS 250 miles away. She ditched me for something better because the thing with me was kind of ****ty.

 

I am not waiting on her. I have not been celibate these past 3 months, pining for her alone in my apartment on Saturday night. I can do the happy big-city bachelor thing for a good while longer I imagine. I don't need her to be happy. But I do still have some feelings for her and there is a part of me that wants to hold her again and that's why I started this thread.

[rjc149]

Don't do anything. She was just being thoughtful at this point. Send her a 'Thank you' text and continue to maintain NC. There's no point in trying to pursue if she's still with the other guy as you'll only wind up more disappointed in the end.

 

I'm leaning toward something like this. I won't pursue. I just want to leave the door wide open in case she decides she wants to at some point.

[rjc149]

I think she does wish to re-establish communication. But the communication she wants may simply be catching up for coffee twice a year and tagging each other in the occasional FB meme.

 

Always remember that there are vastly different levels of communication.

 

Yes I agree she does. And yes it's quite possible she's making sure I'm still on the bench. She mentioned the new guy was the 'opposite' of me and the way she described him, and her former long-term partners (and husband), as more of a beta personality which is emotionally validating to her. Given that, it's possible that the needier aspects of his beta personality have begun turning her off, and 3 months later, the honeymoon is over and she's realizing the grass wasn't greener.

 

She's also quite attractive and likely suffered an ego blow from me not chasing and begging and pleading, which she has grown accustomed to in breakups. 3 months of silence has likely undermined her self-esteem and she is seeking validation.

 

I'm not FB and if she remains in DC, catching up for coffee twice a year with a former lover 250 miles away isn't that appealing

 

I guess my point is that there is a motive behind the birthday wishes beyond being thoughtful and kind to someone she wasn't even in a real relationship with.

Edited July 31, 2019 by rjc149

[Blanco]

If you really believe that, then ask her out.

[rjc149]

Update:

 

I texted her "Happy birthday [her name]" yesterday morning in response to her birthday wishes to me on Monday.

 

She replied in the evening: "Thank you. Hope you had a good birthday."

 

I replied 3 hours later at 10PM "Hope you had a good one too."

 

Breadcrumbs? Testing the waters?

[Blanco]

Those aren't breadcrumbs. She sent you a generic birthday message and then responded to your birthday message with an equally generic statement. I'll assume she didn't respond to your last message.

 

If she was testing the waters, she would be sending messages that necessitated a response from you. She would've responded to your last message with something that could have started an actual conversation, even if it was just chit-chat.

 

Again, I really think you're reaching here and you're reading way too much into her minimal messages because you feel a certain way about her.

[rjc149]

I see what you're saying. I just think if her intention was to send a thoughtful message on my birthday and that's it, the 'thank you etc' response to my wishes wouldn't have been necessary, especially given my lack of a similar reply. The simple exchange of birthday wishes would have sufficed. The close-ended format of her response was simply a hedge against the possibility that I would have ignored it. Again, 3 months of silence, not knowing my situation, how I feel, but wanting to break the silence, it makes sense that she's not all-in on dialogue just yet.

 

I know I'm really over-analyzing something I should be working on moving past. She's been in my system a long time now, the detox is going to take a bit. I guess I'll wait and see. It's clear she's thinking of me and isn't totally okay never speaking to me again.

[Blanco]

You sent her a text and she responded, albeit with a generic response that didn't really encourage any follow up from you. That she didn't play the same game you played (ignoring the text) doesn't mean she's got any interest in restarting things with you. She was simply being courteous.

 

And again, once you sent a message to her response, she would know that it was "safe" to keep talking to you, if she had desired. But it looks like she didn't.

 

Really, I think you're deluding yourself that this means anything more than a simple nice gesture.

[rjc149]

Perhaps you're right. I guess the coming weeks/months will tell for sure, but I'm pretty sure I haven't heard the last of her. I imagine, or want to imagine, there's a reason why she felt the need to offer me any courtesy other than for its own sake.

 

I wouldn't call my delayed response a 'game,' either. She's taken 24+ hours to reply to my texts on a few occasions, notably, toward the end when she was starting things up with the new guy. That was pretty hurtful and she even acknowledged it. She can wait and wonder for a day. And honestly, I strongly considered not responding to her at all. I decided that responding with 'thanks' and then reaching out again the next day for her birthday would be redundant so the simple birthday wish served the purpose of showing appreciation for her thoughtfulness and returning the gesture.

 

Anyways. Thanks for your feedback Blanco.

Edited August 2, 2019 by rjc149

[ExpatInItaly]

You are really, really over-thinking this, OP.

 

If you want to re-establish a conversation, then do so. I don't personally see any breadcrumbs in her reply to you whatsoever, but since you do, you might as well put your doubts to rest and see what's up.