SS2855 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 (edited) Hello- I am brand new to this forum and looking for some insight. First some background: I began an affair with a MM (I’m a MW) just under a year now. Please know I live with the shame everyday and each day trying to get the courage to leave the A and not look back. We were close work colleagues for a year with a lingering attraction or so and then crossed the line one evening which lead to a full blown A. We’d both been lonely in our marriages- he’s very practical and I know though he was unhappy he would never leave. My marriage had been disintegrating for quite some time and I believe I had been looking for a way to fill the void (spouse chronically unemployed, cannabis smoker and depressed but refuses to make changes). Fast forward a year later: I have experienced everything in this relationship that I’d read about- the roller coaster of emotions, the high highs and incredible lowly lows, fantasizing about this being different, that I found my soulmate and the one. The incredible nights away (work travel has made this easy I should say).The MM has expressed his love for me but has never lead me to believe he would leave his wife (nor in my bones would I want him to as I know in my heart it would not make either of us happy). So with that I’ve lived on his crumbs for a year- believing that I’d rather have the small but meaningful time we have together than nothing at all. Only recently have I felt I’ve started to wake up some and realize no this is not enough. Though MM has been filling the emotional and physical bucket my spouse hasn’t been able to in years (or maybe ever?) I realize it’s done a number on me mentally to get this small amount of time and attention from him only to get in the car or on off a plane after a business trip or lunch and realize I have to totally shut my feelings off and just wait for the next time we see each other. I’ve also realized he’s living his life and seems content with h our arrangement- I know who wouldn’t?- I give him space, we meet a couple times a week when not traveling for lunch or a drink,and communicate through a message app when not together. He enjoys his family, vacations, etc. and also enjoys the time with me. Though we’re both married I know I’m the loser in this. I’ve recently asked my spouse for a divorce- we’ve tried counseling etc. for awhile and in years past nothing has worked. I know in my heart I need to break free of both relationships to eventually be happy and regain control of my life. I feel very in love ( maybe it’s attached) to MM but lately growing tired of the “I miss yous” and such...July has been a test as we’ve spent very little time with each other due to family vacations in alternate weeks. OK NOW TO MY QUESTION; for as attached as I am is it possible I will start to grow tired of the A and be able to end it without it destroying me? Do OW’s ever get to a place where THEY are the one to lose interest and just let it fade? I guess I’m hoping that naturally I will start to let go more especially as I continue to work on my self esteem issues. Thoughts? Edited July 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Of course they do. I would be no different to ending a regular relationship. The small annoyances turn into large annoyances and we realise that there really is greener grass out there somewhere. We get really fed up and then take the leap. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lov3foo1 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Hi there, I was in a very similar situation fairly recently. I was a MW, had an affair with a coworker who’s a MM. My husband (now on the way to being my ex) found out. The affair ended. I tried working on my marriage for a while but didn’t work out, as my heart was too far gone. After I had separated from husband my xMM and I hooked up again very briefly before I told him that if he won’t be there to catch my fall then he needed to let go. He chose (as I had expected) to let go. Make no mistake, walking away from him will hurt like hell. So much, it was physically painful to just breathe. But for me, I realize I wasn’t gonna let myself go from being someone’s wife to being someone’s mistress. That’s a HUGE step down and I found it incredibly insulting to myself. It’s now been 6 months since we last spoke, I still miss him but I know it can never be unless he chooses me. For me, I needed more than him caring about me and how he made me feel, I needed him to CHOOSE me. So that’s my bit of experience. You can try giving him an ultimatum, and see what he does with it. From there you should have a clear sense of direction on what you should do (be mindful that may not necessarily be what you WANT to do). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope71 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Absolutely. In fact I am experiencing that now. I told MMmaybe he should stay with his W....I’m getting off this insane ride. I want my life back. Link to post Share on other sites
eastdean Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 A's are incredibly stressful and sustaining them over the long term is, while not impossible, difficult. As the fakery of each party starts to wear thin and they start seeing each other for what they really are, that can cause things to fray. It's also possible that for at least one of you, this is an "exit affair" that has no future once exit from the M is accomplished. That was the case with my MW, who had one foot way out the door when we started. I had no intention of leaving my M and never promised such. When Dday blew everything up, we went our separate ways, with no small amount of anguish. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Yes, it happened to me. There was a growing curiosity to explore what else was out there in the world to see and do. Didn't have to be in the form of another relationship, but something where I could take full advantage of freedom. OP, I wouldn't rely on developing a disinterest as your exit strategy from this A. If your MM senses a detachment, he may kick up the game a notch just to keep you hooked. That's just how they roll.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Make no mistake, walking away from him will hurt like hell. So much, it was physically painful to just breathe. But for me, I realize I wasn’t gonna let myself go from being someone’s wife to being someone’s mistress. That’s a HUGE step down and I found it incredibly insulting to myself. It’s now been 6 months since we last spoke, I still miss him but I know it can never be unless he chooses me. For me, I needed more than him caring about me and how he made me feel, I needed him to CHOOSE me. That's tough. You lost two relationships. It hurts like hell. Good for you for being strong enough to leave one that wasn't working (I'm curious to ask, was your heart just too far gone or did xH wants to try to make it work?) and good for you for recognizing that you deserve better than to stay in an A. You did well - making a choice and cutting of the cords of whatever that's not working. Yes, he does need to choose and he's made his choice. I hope you're coping as well as can be. To the OP, just from personal experience: Building up self-esteem likely won't be the enough to get you disinterested (once you're sucked in). Everyone has a threshold of what enough is enough. Working working towards building your self-esteem will help you to cope, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SS2855 Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 You all are wonderful- thank you. I suppose I’m hoping for a way out that will be the least painful and one where I suddenly am the one to lose interest. I feel it happening already with the space we’ve had this month due to schedules. I just miss feeling normal. I’ve never cried more than this last year in the A. The emotions are so consuming. I’m hopeful as some of you said that once my M is over I will be interested in pursuing something with potential. For now going to see if I can continue the space even when AP is back in town. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 (edited) To answer your question directly, No. IMHO, a person described as you have described yourself only walks away when the pain of continuing the affair is greater than the pain you were seeking shelter from. The reality is you were in pain and ran from it rather than deal with it. Now you have a second source of pain, and are questioning the affair. If you do indeed end this affair (and you should, for your emotional health rather than morality) you will still have to deal with the issue of your marriage and what are the healthy choices to be made there? I don't think a lack of self-esteem is responsible for the affair. At best, you simply chose not to assert your self-esteem and found a surrogate to express it on your behalf. An affair is like flipping your spouse the bird but, doing so only while their back is turned. A clear message undelivered. Why would you do that? Because he is who he is, and change might be unrealistic. The problem isn't him, it's you're passivity with it and your choice to be a part of it. The affair is a silent rebellion, a passive response. You can rebel without consequence. Edited August 2, 2019 by Turning point 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SS2855 Posted August 2, 2019 Author Share Posted August 2, 2019 To answer your question directly, No. IMHO, a person described as you have described yourself only walks away when the pain of continuing the affair is greater than the pain you were seeking shelter from. The reality is you were in pain and ran from it rather than deal with it. Now you have a second source of pain, and are questioning the affair. If you do indeed end this affair (and you should, for your emotional health rather than morality) you will still have to deal with the issue of your marriage and what are the healthy choices to be made there? I don't think a lack of self-esteem is responsible for the affair. At best, you simply chose not to assert your self-esteem and found a surrogate to express it on your behalf. An affair is like flipping your spouse the bird but, doing so only while their back is turned. A clear message undelivered. Why would you do that? Because he is who he is, and change might be unrealistic. The problem isn't him, it's you're passivity with it and your choice to be a part of it. The affair is a silent rebellion, a passive response. You can rebel without consequence. Your words are very wise. Curious if you’ve been the OP and what your experience was like in leaving. And ur right I need to leave because it’s clear I’m not handling the “relationship” well. In my heart I know the road to true happiness for me is ending my M and ending the A. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 In my heart I know the road to true happiness for me is ending my M and ending the A. That's much easier said than done because we build an affair with the express purpose of fortifying our denial. The affair is a substitute chore for the thing we are trying to avoid doing. Once you're in it, it's like having one foot on each of two trains running on parallel tracks to a broken bridge. They are both heading for disaster, but we preoccupy ourselves with deciding which one is a better ride. Link to post Share on other sites
Lov3foo1 Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 That's tough. You lost two relationships. It hurts like hell. Good for you for being strong enough to leave one that wasn't working (I'm curious to ask, was your heart just too far gone or did xH wants to try to make it work?) and good for you for recognizing that you deserve better than to stay in an A. You did well - making a choice and cutting of the cords of whatever that's not working. Yes, he does need to choose and he's made his choice. I hope you're coping as well as can be. Looking back I had used my affair as an exit affair, although after D-day I had a moment of clarity where I decided to try fixing the marriage. Having developed real feelings for my xMM was never my intention, feelings that I'm still living with. This is probably karma at its finest. (I didn't respond to this for a while because I didn't wanna hijack someone else's thread. I think I might be close to starting my own though...) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 You will not grow tired of the affair IMO. they are too easy and addicting. Years will go by and it will feel like weeks. Most A’s don’t just run their course and end. It’s either AP demanding mm to leave, or dday. And in both cases, the A still doesn’t end LOL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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