I think i'm losing the plot...

[MC64]

Not really sure how posting this will help, just feel I need to reach out, maybe some of you have been in my position.

 

I split with my ex at Xmas after 4 years (got 2 very young boys aged 1 & 2). End of January, we said we would spend time together, to see if there’s anything there still, but we weren’t back together. By April, not much had progressed. We hadn’t slept together once. Kissed and cuddled and fooled around, but nothing more. I said to her that we weren’t progressing so what was the point? She said she wasn’t giving 100%, didn’t sleep with me because she didn’t want her feelings to come back and then potentially get hurt again.

 

When we split at Xmas, I moved back in with my parents. After April came about, I found a flat to move to. I told my ex, she practically begged me not to get the flat, said she wants to try again, give 100%, date each other again and go counselling. But only if I don’t get the flat. I proceeded with the flat as I needed some stability. She told me she wasn’t interested. I said there’s no reason I can’t have the flat AND we try again.

 

A week later, I was messaging, saying that I still want to try, she just told me to give her time and not talk about it. A week after that, she was messaging saying she misses me. This was early June. Mid-June, she asked me to have the boys but at her house. When I went over, and I shouldn’t have done it, but I looked through her phone... she’s been messaging a guy. She was asking him to come over when the boys were in bed. Plenty of flirting, but nothing explicit. I didn’t tell her what I knew. But I asked if she was seeing anyone. She said no. I asked about having someone over whilst the boys were asleep, she said it was just banter and she would never have someone over whilst the boys were asleep. I don't know if I believe her.

 

End of June, She asked me to have the boys overnight whilst she went away for a family funeral in Devon. I know she genuinely has gone there. Was so tough sleeping in the bed that we used to share.

 

Beginning of July, I found out and she admitted, to being on a dating site. She said she enjoyed the attention but has since come off it. The guy she was speaking to, was from that site. I know for certain that they never actually met up, they’ve only had 1 conversation on the phone (a drunken phone call), but the rest was all text messages.

 

Throughout this month, I’ve been seeing her and the boys regularly (3/4 times a week). This past week, I’ve seen her every single day, staying at her house (sleeping on the sofa). Spent time with her family as well. During this past month, I asked again if she’s thinking about “us” still. She said yes. She said that shes due back to work end of July (after maternity leave), it’s a stressful time for her. Once she’s back to work, and settled, then she will take the time to think seriously about us and what she wants, as it can’t go on that we spend all this time together, if we aren’t going to try again. However, about a week into the month, she had a meeting with her work and it was decided that she will not be returning to work, as she’s better off financially staying at home and not working at all. It also then transpired, that she was going away to Cyprus in August for a fortnight (her parents are paying for her to go), and she’s going away with 3 or 4 other family members. So she’s since said that though she promised she would think about things after work (now not happening), she’s going to go on this holiday and decide whilst shes away, what it is she wants, which I agreed to.

 

In the last week though, she’s asked if I can join her for the 2nd week and fly out to Cyprus to be with her and the boys. Of course I jumped at the chance and I booked it. But now I’m wondering to myself… does she only want me to go so I can look after the boys and she can have a relaxing holiday?

 

Now, here’s the kick in the teeth. And before you all have a go at me and tell me I’m in the wrong here, I’m already aware I shouldn’t be doing it… but, I know her facebook/Instagram login details. And I have been checking it, mainly to protect myself, to see if she’s making a mug out of me. Now, this guy she was chatting to back in June. I can see that she looks him up on Instagram AND facebook, every single day. Sometimes 2/3 times a day. Never messages him. And the weird thing? She’s unfollowed him on Instagram (so can’t see any of his profile), but he still follows her and isn’t friends with him on Facebook, so she can’t see his full profile. Every single day though. This last week I’ve spent everyday with her, she hasn’t looked him up once on any social media. Today is the first day I’ve not been with her after 8 days together. First thing she does when she wakes up? Searches him again on both. It’s like when I’m out of sight, I’m out of mind. Is she obsessed with him? Why unfollow him? He likes all of her Instagram posts and reads all of her stories.

 

When I last brought this guy up a few weeks ago, she said she’s not talking to him and that they stopped talking weeks ago because she “couldn’t be bothered” with getting to know someone. That’s a lie, it has to be? I can’t think of a reason why she would unfollow someone but look them up everyday?

 

I’m a massive overthinker. I can’t let on I know about these searches, as then we will argue and the argument will only be about me snooping. I just don’t get it. If I had no interest in my ex, I certainly wouldn’t want her to join me on holiday, especially as she already has family help with the kids anyway. None of this makes sense? I just feel like I’m 2nd best here. This other guy is new and exciting to her, I’m not. I feel like I’m competing him… her ex partner of 4 years, father of her children, competing with a guy online she’s never met!

 

Weird thing is, I can see *some* changes. End of June, when I came over to see the boys, she would insist I go home at 7pm, so the boys can see me leave the house and don’t get confused. Once the boys were in bed, that would be her time to look this guy up. Then as time passed, she would allow me to bath the boys and put them to bed, and I then leave at 8pm. The last couple of weeks, she’s been asking me to stay later and watch tv, and she’s made nice dinners for me, and just been quite relaxed towards me. But the daily facebook and Instagram searches carry on once I’m not in the house.

 

I can’t make sense of any of this. She said she knows she needs to make a decision, whether we try again or go our separate ways, because we spend so much time together currently. Personally, I don’t see how she can think about it whilst shes away… she will be stressed out looking after 2 young children in the hot sun, and then after a week, I’m there.

 

She's constantly asking me to pay for things for the boys (on top of the £600 child maintenance I pay) and also asks if I can pay for outfits for her, or for her to get her nails, or eyelashes etc done. I feel used. I could argue that in return, i'm getting to see my boys all the time, but she shouldn't really be asking me for money. I guess i'm the mug that always says yes, so why wouldn't she.

 

Help me stay sane please?!

Edited July 30, 2019 by MC64

[Maddie82]

The only one obsessed here is you. Yes, as you said, you have no right to spy on her because are not actually together. It's not your business if she looks up another guy. She is keeping her options open because she's not 100% about you but she is still using you to pay for her luxuries. Stop doing that. Back off a bit. She will never make a decision because she is comfortable with how things are now.

Edited July 30, 2019 by Maddie82

[Caauug]

She's constantly asking me to pay for things for the boys (on top of the £600 child maintenance I pay) and also asks if I can pay for outfits for her, or for her to get her nails, or eyelashes etc done. I feel used. I could argue that in return, i'm getting to see my boys all the time, but she shouldn't really be asking me for money. I guess i'm the mug that always says yes, so why wouldn't she.

 

Help me stay sane please?!

 

Why would she "Kill the goose that lays the golden eggs?"

 

 

If she wanted you back as her partner you would be back, she is clearly showing you she does not want you back, but she does want your money....

 

She just has not figured out how to keep up her lifestyle and dump you.

 

 

Cut off the extra money and all hope of fixing anything will soon be gone.

[MC64]

I think you're right. I guess what confused me, was asking me to fly to Cyprus to join her, when she has all the help she needs with her, and the holiday had been paid for, so she didn't need my money...

 

I've said to myself that i'm happy to help her until the holiday, but that's my cut off point. A decision needs to be made one way or another when the holiday is over. I just don't want to be anyone's 2nd choice and I fear that I am

[schlumpy]

I think you already have enough evidence to move on and only see her when it involves the children but if you need more.

 

Put a voice activated recorder in the house where you think you might find out something. That may decide you.

 

I'm terribly sorry for you and the children.

 

Best Wishes

[Sunlight72]

Man, I am really sorry to hear your situation. This is really hard on you I'm sure, and rough on your kids. We are only hearing your side of the story, but I bet it is hard on your ex as well.

 

About the guy from the dating site - personally I think it's a good thing she's not actually seen him in person, and not a big deal she looks up his info. As long as it's drug on, I think she actually is just turning to her phone for comfort, as she hasn't met him in person which would have been 'easy' if she had actually wanted that. I think he has now become an imaginary person to her that you don't need to worry over.

 

Can you think of a way to take a more proactive approach with her? What you described is very re-active. She's making the choices and "letting" you do things. That's not so good for your dynamic with her.

 

It would be better for you and for her impression of you if you can think of ways to assert yourself more. State your schedule, and get her to meet your schedule at least half the time. You start saying out loud to yourself, and then to her what conditions would work for you. What would you like her to do to show her commitment/interest in patching things up with you? Find some (sensible) ways to tell her 'no'. No you won't buy that ..... for her. No you haven't kept every night open just in case she says you can stay until 8 pm, or overnight - excuse yourself at 7 sometimes and go. Find other places to be (I'm not saying with other women, but you must have some house keeping/work/family/friends you would benefit from spending time with?).

 

Give her some time without you now and then to miss you.

 

Don't feel obligated to keep your phone in your pocket and answer/reply to her immediately at all hours - if you're doing something where it would be more natural for you to not have the phone on you, or to not reply right away, just be fine with that and get back to her when it is more appropriate for what ever is happening in your own space just then.

 

If it were me, I would go on the holiday. You can be around her family and her and your kids - that seems a good experience for you, her, and the kids.

 

After that - I agree with your plan to ask her after the holiday what she is feeling. Anything other than "let's work on our relationship" means you need to stop seeing her or doing things for her other than just to pick up your children for your allotted time with them. I am sure that will be hard, but it is important on your path to remaining sane for yourself and your children.

 

I'm sorry you're in such a hard spot. The only way to get it to feel less crazy is for you to start taking charge of the parts of your life you can control. The parts that don't involve her. Good for you for taking the flat on your own. You are right, you can work on your relationship and have your own flat, also friendships, work priorities, etc.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

[elaine567]

Am I right?

You dumped her and the kids...

Why?

[aliveagain]

People that want to work on their relationship do not join online dating sites. They do not start relationships with other people, they do not lie to the father of their children about other men. Why are you allowing someone that makes bad decisions to have that much control over your future? It almost appears as if she's shopping for someone she thinks is better then you while keeping you around until she finds your replacement. Unless there are boundaries in place regarding your time apart, scheduled date nights, schedules regarding your children, counselling to help you both with your relationship, a time limit on the length of your separation that you both agree on otherwise what is the use on hanging around? There is no effort on making this relationship work by ether of you, your just an ATM to her. Talk to a lawyer, protect your rights to access to your children. Stop wasting your time on someone that isn't sure they want you in their life.