"victim" of abuse almost 50 years later

[pepperbird]

This post will be long, and I will place a "trigger" warning right at the top. I used "victim" because it affected me greatly, even thought i was never directly abused.

 

I was adopted, and always knew I was. My mom and dad always painted my biological parents in a positive light, and shared any information they had with me. They did the same with my adoptive older brother.

 

One of the items they had revived when my adoption was finalized was a sheet of what was called "social history" about my biological parents. I found out a couple of months ago, it was all a lie.

 

 

I never really wanted to find my biological parents all that much until I got really sick with a somewhat rare illness that can be fatal. My kids all also have autoimmune issues, and I wanted to understand why. I decided to try and find my biological fmaily.

 

I wish I had never gone down that rabbit hole.

 

I got my original birth certificate and had my DNA tested. I was really excited about getting the results, but when they came back, they made no sense. Most people have lots of matches, close and distant. I only had a few. I took my raw DNA results and uploaded them to other sites, including research ones like GED Match ( called Genesis now) and Promeathease.

 

That's when I found out why I had so few matches. One of the utilities you can use n Genesis is called "AYPR" ( are you parents related), and without thinking, I tried it.

 

That was a bombshell. They are related.

 

I was really upset, and reached out to a geneticist the site admin recommended. She put me in touch with another geneticist who was able to confirm the results and put together a huge fmaily tree for me, all using public records.

 

I was able to find my biological mother and a half sister and half brother. They all seem like lovely people. My biological father? Not so much. He's a relative of hers, and she was molested from the time she was a small child.

 

We've emailed back and forth a few times, and her story is really sad. She'd been molested for years. She had tried to talk about it to her doctor, but was told this was "family business" and he wouldn't get involved .

 

She ended up pregnant with me. She didn't understand what was going on, just that she was sick. She went to her school nurse who figured out the truth and contacted her parents. She was promptly bundled off to a maternity home, and I was born a few months later.

 

 

The whole situation has been so confusing. I knew what had happened to her before I even knew for sure what her name was. I have no experience at all with sexual abuse, and I had wondered if she would even want to hear from me. I didn't want to hurt her any more than she already was.

 

After we made contact, she told me how she was able to look after me in the hospital for a few days, but then she had to leave me there and go home. She said how that broke her heart, and every time she saw a little girl who would be abut my age, she would wonder where I was and what I was doing.

 

She also faced what had happened to her, and helped to start a sexual abuse support centre in her community and even participated in a large inquiry into sexual abuse in the community ( this was at the beginning of the scandal about abuse in the catholic church).

 

One of the most heartbreaking things she told me is how she hated the abuse, but put up with it because she thought if he molested her, he would leave her little sisters alone.

 

I don't know how to feel about him. He abused a little girl for years and hurt her so badly. He also fathered a child ( me) and has at least three grandchildren. He's also married and has a family with adult kids ( the abuse was 40 years ago). I hate him, but if I hate him, I'm also hating a part of myself.

 

I'm not sure what sort of response I'm looking for in posting this. It's so confusing! I don't know how to think or feel about it. I'm in an online support group for others in my situation, but TBH, we are sort of flying blind. No one talks about this, but if the few hundred people that are in that group are any indication, it's not uncommon.

 

I've talked all this over with my dad, aunt, husband and kids. My kids are all adults now ( barring my son, who is 16) and know the situation.

[GorillaTheater]

Your bio-mother sounds like a good woman who has largely overcome what happened to her.

 

In my opinion, it's okay for you to despise the POS sperm donor. He is an evil man who is not worthy of your attention.

 

I'm sorry, Pepperbird. I mean, I'm glad you got some of the answers you were looking for, but so much of what you found out was awful. You know this, but it's worth emphasizing that what happened was no reflection on your bio-mother, and certainly no reflection on you.

[spiritedaway2003]

I hate him, but if I hate him, I'm also hating a part of myself.

 

I can understand why it's confusing. It is a bombshell and it it sounds messed up. Your biological mother sounds like she did the her best given what she had to deal with at the point.

 

I don't understand why you'd think you'd be hating a part of yourself. You are not a reflection of those awful things your "father" did. Just because you share the same genes doesn't mean anything. You are you. What he did is no reflection on your biological mom, or you. At all. Always remember that.

[pepperbird]

It was odd, asking her about my biological father, even though I had a pretty good idea of the pool of men who it might be.

 

She told me he was a close relative, but not which one. I'm okay not knowing. She told me about a lot of what happened to her in a narrative written in the third person ( she explained that was easier for her) and it was so sad. She said how the little girl who she was died the day she was abused the first time. She wanted to protect her little sisters, but the price she paid was so high. Her abuser would tell her it was her fault, and if she told her parents, he'd hurt her and them too.

 

It makes me wish I could hold the little girl she was back then and keep her safe. It's really confusing, as it's supposed to be the other way around...a parent protecting and comforting her child.

 

I'm a mother hen type and a fixer", but I can't fix this.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Pepperbird, this is deep stuff. Since you are a fixer type feeling a bit helpless about not being able to fix the situation, focus on what you can do.

 

Could you participate in an activity in the organization your bio mom started? Could you support that organization some way? If not, is there a similar local organization that you could support, or an initiative that you could take locally?

 

I think this would help you 'make sense' of it all, kind of like the way it helped your bio mom. It might also make you feel closer to her in a good way, if that's something you want.

[Ronni_W]

Hi pepperbird.

 

I am sorry for what your mom had to go through, and for the ramifications on you.

I can understand how, even though you were not abused, you can still end up having a sense of the unfairness of the situation.

I hate him, but if I hate him, I'm also hating a part of myself.

The parts of your biological father that caused him to do what he did belong only to him. He made free-will decisions and choices, and he alone had control over that.

That is to say, those parts are a not part of you or of who you are.

 

Your feelings as an adult, of wanting to protect the childhood image of your biological mom, speaks to your understanding and compassion...it is just an adult wanting to protect and comfort a child;

to me there is nothing confusing about that; as you say, it should be the 'normal' reaction.

 

Sending you and your family all the best.

[pepperbird]

Thanks for all of the responses. They really have been helpful.

 

Without going into specifics, In know my biological father is one of 7 men ( that's the pool of possibilities, but I don't know which one abused her, and I don't want to ask).

 

I know that all of these men are married and have adult kids and grand kids. This means I have more half sisters and brothers, and it makes me wonder if, as he abused my biological mother when she was a little girl, what if he abused his own children when they were small and maybe even his grandkids now.

 

 

I sometimes wish I had left well enough alone.

[preraph]

He's no doubt continued to abuse children if no one has ever put him in jail. You need to steer clear of him or you'll end up having kids and them getting abused by them.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You need to steer clear of him or you'll end up having kids and them getting abused by them.

 

Huh??

 

Pepper, I'm so sorry for what you've discovered .

[pepperbird]

He's no doubt continued to abuse children if no one has ever put him in jail. You need to steer clear of him or you'll end up having kids and them getting abused by them.

 

 

Good advice, but my youngest is 16. My daughters are 19 and 21.

 

I just can;t get my head around how someone could do this to a child in the first place, and then keep doing it for so many years. It's disgusting.

 

I'd like five minutes alone with him. I'd throttle him. Not really though. It just makes me sad. What if he was abused too?

[pepperbird]

He's no doubt continued to abuse children if no one has ever put him in jail.

 

As far as I know, no one ever did. From what my biological mother says, she did try and ask for help once when she was little, but was told it was family business and the person ( a doctor) wouldn't get involved.

 

 

A woman in one of the online support groups I'm in is in a similar situation, and she works with sexual abusers in the prison system. It's even harder for her as she's seen first hand how bad these men ( and women too) can be, and that they almost never stop at just one child.

 

I'm actually surprised that my biological mother even wanted to hear from me. When I found out her real name ( my original birth certificate had the wrong name, typical for that time if a child was going to be adopted) and where she lived, I sent a registered letter to two addresses that might be her. In said I was doing some genealogical research as I was adopted and trying to find family members. I got an email back less than two weeks later from my half sister. I thought it would be sort of " nice you're alive, but stay away", and was shocked she would even want to hear from me, let alone form some sort of relationship. I guess it speaks to the love a mother can have for her child, even under rotten circumstances.

 

Whether I ever meet her or not I don't know. Looking at me, she may well see her abuser. I don't know if I look like her or him, as the only picture I have of her is one form a newspaper article, and it's really grainy.

[preraph]

Good advice, but my youngest is 16. My daughters are 19 and 21.

 

I just can;t get my head around how someone could do this to a child in the first place, and then keep doing it for so many years. It's disgusting.

 

I'd like five minutes alone with him. I'd throttle him. Not really though. It just makes me sad. What if he was abused too?

 

If you let him into your life, he'd be there for the grandchildren, so it's just not safe.

[pepperbird]

If you let him into your life, he'd be there for the grandchildren, so it's just not safe.

 

I don't want to ever meet him. I prefer to not even know exactly who he is.

[spiderowl]

It must be really confusing to have to process all this, Pepperbird. They say 'the truth will set you free' but it can be pretty overwhelming as well.

 

I don't think it is unusual for a child to feel concerned about their mother and what they have experienced. I also felt this for my mother who was orphaned early in life, passed around relatives who did not treat her well, then had to nurse her abusive grandmother (all before she was 18 years old!). I wish I could have fixed the damage her early life caused her but of course I could not. You cannot either.

 

Children are often like their parents but quite often they are not at all like their parents. You sound a lovely, empathic person which shows you have little in common with your biological father. The whole point is that none of this was under your control so you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about or forgive yourself for.

 

The striking thing about your message is the sheer confusion you are feeling and the many other emotions that are being triggered by the circumstances you have unearthed. Could you see a counsellor who specialises in this area of counselling? I would think it would help to talk this through with someone. Gradually, your unconscious mind will process this and make some kind of sense of it, but it is understandable that you will have a stage where this is all a sea of feelings swimming by, including fear about what it all means for you and others.

 

Maybe it would be an idea to just go with the flow for the moment, not to make any hasty decisions about who to see/not see, etc., until your mind and body has processed all this. I hope the support groups help.

Edited September 1, 2019 by spiderowl

[pepperbird]

Well, I know now who my father is, sort of.

 

My biological father is also one of my uncles. This is the first time I have said that to anyone except my immediate family, in an online support group and an anonymous blog. It's not exactly something that's easy to admit, but it's the truth.

 

The following will be me just sort of venting and trying to work through some of this. It might be long and boring, and I apologize for that.

 

This past labour day weekend,my biological family held another reunion of sorts. My biological mother has 12 or 13 siblings, and her abuser was there. I don't know how she does it. Seeing him there with his wife and kids, knowing what he did to her would be something I just couldn't do. How could they ever want to be around him, knowing what he did to his little sister?

 

I don't think his wife and kids know what he did, and many of my BM's siblings and even her parents may not have been aware. It's a family secret of sorts, and while they know she was sexually abused as a child, I get the sense that she played peacemaker and never told them who it was.

 

I'm really nervous that one day, one of my half siblings ( who will also be my nieces and nephews) are going to find this out and knock on my door, looking for their sister/aunt. How am I going to tell them the truth? I can't hide it, as if they have any DNA testing done, the results, thanks to the consanguinity, will be skewed and I'm certain that will lead to a lot of questions. It might even indicate that I am their mother, due to having so much shared DNA. What the hell do I tell them? Why should I even have to? I don't want to keep the lie going, but I also don't want to cause them pain. My half sister/niece on my mother's side and I have been in contact. and I already had to do this with her. She'd had DNA testing done, and couldn't understand why the ROH's between her and I were so high. She asked our mother, who told her some of the details and she asked me about the rest. It was hard enough telling her about her uncle abusing her mother, how will I be able to tell my other half siblings that their father is a child molester? My hope is that I will never have to.

 

Then there is the legal aspect. What if this wasn't a one off? What is he abused his own children or other kids? Was he abused himself? Part of me wants to report him, but to who? Do I call the OPP or RCMP and say that almost 50 years ago, my father molested my mother? I'm not even exactly sure which of my uncles is my father :sick::sick: or how old he was at the time.

 

I keep going back to how disgusted I feel about what my biological father ( sperm donor?) did, but then I wonder if he was also abused himself. That doesn't excuse his actions, but it makes me pity him. I don't want to. He did a terrible thing over an extended period of time, and I am so not okay with that.

 

One really odd ( not like any of this is normal) thing is that I think I may have already been in contact with him without knowing it. When I first started looking, all I had to go on was an Ancestry DNA test and a birth certificate with false information ( that was typical for the time). Even my original, non-redacted certificate wasn't true. Using what little I had to go on, I was able to find one of her brothers, and when I approached him online, saying I was adopted and looking for my biological mother. he knew right away who she was, including her real name. He also knew she'd had a baby ( me) and told me he'd let her sister know I was looking for her.

 

He never did, and from what she says, she had spent many years trying to find me. It would have helped her so much emotionally to know I was okay and living a happy, ordinary life. Maybe he didn't tell her because he's just her brother and wanted to keep the peace, or maybe he was her abuser and he didn't want it to get out.

 

For what it's worth, other than some pretty significant health issues, having biological parents who are also siblings hasn't had a detrimental affect- setting aside the psychological aspect of finding all this out. It is so not what I was expecting. I had joined an online support group for adoptees, and it was full of angry people. I stayed for a little while, but never fit in. I wasn't angry that I was adopted, and got sick of being told I needed to "deprogram" so that I could see how awful my adoptive family was and how I should have stayed with my biological family. I finally got sick of it and told them how being adopted quite literally saved my mental and physical health. This led to lots of snarky comments, until I expendable why I felt that way.

 

Immediate radio silence. No one knew what to say.

 

There has been some good to come out of all this. I was able to find my biological mother, although I have a feeling the relationship will be transient. Hearing from me may have been so important to her, and almost a form of absolution. It let her stop feeling so guilty that I had been placed for adoption, and she now knows that I have had a good life and she even had three grandchildren to be proud of. That's all wonderful, but being in contact may just bring up a horrible time in her life she would rather forget. I would like to be in some sort of relationship with her, even if it's just as friends. I already have a mom, and aren't looking for another one. This being said, if it's too hard for her, I understand and will leave her alone.

 

My dad and aunt know about all of this. My dad is furious. He sees this as "the government" as having lied to me all these years and also as having covered up a crime against a young woman. He's really worried about me ( full on "dad" mode) and I swear that if he ever got his hands on my biological father, well, that man's voice would suddenly become a whole lot higher. The world may just have it's first castrati in over 100 years. He's told me I'm still his little girl and nothing will ever change that, and he loves same the same no matter what.

 

THAT"S what a dad should be. I'm lucky to have him:love:

 

I've talked this over with my kids, as they are all adults/ nearly adults and this is their story too, sucky as it may be. One sort of the ironic aspects has been that one of the geneticists from out in California who was trying to help me figure all of this out turned out to be a third cousin to me. She was really happy to learn she has some family she never knew. Other than some autoimmune issues, there will likely be no long term health issues for my kids.

 

 

Sorry this post was so long, and if you made it all the way to the end, I'm surprised but grateful. When I first started trying to find my biological family, I had no idea this would be the end result. It wasn't something I had even considered, but it can and does happen. If the numbers in the one support group I stayed in and the comments made by the geneticists who helped me are any indication, this happens far more often than people realize. In the one group, there are hundreds with stories like mine, and I suspect it's just a tiny fraction of he actual numbers. Part of me wishes I had the intestinal fortitude to be more open about it, but this is still a huge taboo here. People often either joke about it or pretend it doesn't happen, but it does. Maybe one day, I will have the strength to not care what people think and will be able to bring this issue to light. I am not anywhere near that yet.

 

It's going to take a while to sort through all of this, and maybe a big piece of that will be accepting that I never will. Some situations really are a huge bundle of knots that can never really be untied. If you are in a similar situation yourself and looking for your biological family, I can send you along some links that might be helpful to you. Before you use them though., I would caution you about giving great consideration to what you might find. Are you ready to go down that rabbit hole?

[Big Aus]

Few Issues:

Tracking down your biological family is a huge step, and you have done well. But these people are strangers to you. Don't beat yourself up thinking you need to "feel a connection." Your "loyalty" extends to your bio-mother and perhaps your actual half-siblings. Forget the rest. Otherwise you are just trying to buy into a whole pile of crap.

 

Trying to have a relationship with your mother and siblings is a noble goal, but the stranger factor goes both ways.

As I think you have picked up on, your bio-mother is happy to see that you're alive and well, happy and healthy, but dredging up all those painful memories will be hard on her.

Just accept that there is no perfect recipe for these situations, and you'll need to be guided not just by your own needs but by those of your bio mother.

 

Finding out that the bio-father you wondered about, is a piece of filth that raped his little sister, is not something anybody should have to deal with. It's no wonder you feel confused. Nobody can tell you how you should feel about that.

Sadly, this is just all the more reason for you to not immerse yourself in the extended family dynamic.

 

On piece of advice, since you have gone this far. Unless you honestly think you can shut the door and think about it no more, find out the whole truth. Unfortunately the not-knowing will eat at you, and fearing 7 men is far worse than loathing one.

 

Once you have the truth, only you can decide what to do with it.

 

As a man, a father, and wannabe grandfather, I would kill the sob.

My personal advice to you would be to talk to a lawyer about going to the police. DNA doesn't lie. Where I live, there is no statute of limitations, but you'll need to check that in your jurisdiction

Yes, it will rip that family apart, but sometimes the truth really does set you free.

Your bio-mother has been forced to suffer in silence for decades. Other relatives have either participated in that coercion, or judged her in ignorance. YOU may be her only hope of justice.

I don't make that recommendation lightly. There will be those that would hate you, but unfortunately evil like that cannot be suppressed.

You may actually SAVE his granddaughters.

[pepperbird]

Well, what I figured would happen did.
I was going through my emails this morning and got form one of the DNA testing companies I had used that someone shows up as being my half sister. I'm not sure if she is or not or if it's the wonky DNA. The catch 22 is that to find out, I would have to ask her to allow me to see her information, and to do that, I would have to ask and explain why.

If you were in her shoes, what would you do? Would you want to know this, or would it be better to leave it alone?

 

[Tamfana]

I would contact her.  I discovered last June that I had family I had never known about, including 4 half-brothers. It's been great.  If contacting her doesn't go well, you can just withdraw politely over time.  

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, Tamfana said:

I would contact her.  I discovered last June that I had family I had never known about, including 4 half-brothers. It's been great.  If contacting her doesn't go well, you can just withdraw politely over time.  

This makes sense. I just hate being the bearer of bad news, and this is pretty bad. I don't know how to explain this to her.

[Tamfana]

16 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

This makes sense. I just hate being the bearer of bad news, and this is pretty bad. I don't know how to explain this to her.

Maybe contact one of her relatives to test the waters?  

 

Edited February 11, 2020 by Tamfana

[Art_Critic]

I would contact her, you never know how this could end up, she may have more info than you have at this point or she may be the product of another he abused and can help her.

and like Tamfana mentioned if it goes south you can close up shop and pull away.

[Tamfana]

You might not have to explain and could just ask questions.  That's what I did.  Maybe that would work? 

Also, she might withdraw at least for a while, which is what I did when I first found out. I've heard it takes many people time to process.  

[pepperbird]

I have been in contact with and even met my you gets aunt. She's very nice, but if she knew any of the details about my mother and her brother, she never said or even indicated she knew at all.

[Tamfana]

I can see your dilemma. I guess, to me, I wanted the opportunity to have relationships with my half-siblings so much it was worth the risk.  

[pepperbird]

41 minutes ago, Tamfana said:

I can see your dilemma. I guess, to me, I wanted the opportunity to have relationships with my half-siblings so much it was worth the risk.  

I'm not sure which one of my uncles is also my father. If I can connect with this person enough that she'll share some of the DNA details with me, I may be able to figure out if we share at least one parent. After that, I don't know. I don't know if it's even my place to explain any of this to her. If she is my half sibling, how am I supposed to tell her "well, about 40 some years ago, your dad molested his little sister. It went on for  along time, and here I am".
There's no Hallmark card for this sort of situation🤣😢. With all the DNA testing going on, it could be a new market.