Lamartine Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Hello LoveShack community! As so many of you have provided me with helpful advice in the past, I hope you might be able to shed some light on a current dilemma for me. A quick background: I was married, in my early thirties, to a man twenty years my senior. He became extremely sick, aged very fast, and I became a full time nurse, quitting my job as an attorney to take care of him. While I loved him dearly, the countless hospital stays, painful symptoms, and his slow deterioration as well as the fact that I was no longer a wife so much as a caretaker was very difficult for me. I would never take back my time with him, but, after his death a little more than two years ago, my health suffered, and I have struggled to rebuild my life and career. I told myself that I would date men my own age, but I had little luck with them. Even in their late thirties and early forties, they still seemed to be playing games and wanting nothing but to sleep around. One, who claimed to be in love with and faithful to me age me a nasty (but thankfully curable) STD. I ended up dating another man 20 years older than I am. We have been together for a year and a half. He is faithful, honest, hard-working, sensitive, and a generally wonderful partner. I love him deeply. He now wants to move in with me. Because he has four children in college and an alimony payment, I am able to afford a much more comfortable standard of living, so we would live in my apartment. I would love to have him with me every day. However, I am terrified of going through another situation like the one I experienced with my husband. It nearly killed me. If I cannot move forward with my current relationship, I may have to end it in fairness to him. Would you find it worth it to risk a repeat of a traumatic situation with an older man in order to keep an amazing partner? Any advice would be very much appreciated. Peace, Lamartine Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 No-one can halt time. Who knows? But with a huge age gap like this your chances are high you will eventually become a "carer" again. But this time you are financially supporting him too and indirectly paying for his alimony. He must have thought all his Xmas's had come at once when you showed up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 Thanks, Elaine! That is exactly the kind of plain language response that I need right now. Because, as a lawyer, I am trained to manipulate arguments, I sometimes find that I am talking myself into or out of situations without just looking at the cold, hard truth. Have a great day! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I can almost guarantee that this new guy will use you financialy, emotionally and sexually. He's in financial hardship and looking for a sugar momma 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 You could condition his moving in upon his getting and maintaining very comprehensive long term care insurance that will cover a full time nurse if needed. It'll be expensive for him but may be a necessity, in fairness to you. Careers don't survive many blows like the one you took when you cared for the husband. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 You could condition his moving in upon his getting and maintaining very comprehensive long term care insurance that will cover a full time nurse if needed. It'll be expensive for him but may be a necessity, in fairness to you. LTC insurance is extremely extremely expensive tamfana. I doubt he has the resources for it after paying for kids college and alimony for his old lady 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 It's true. My legal career didn't survive. I could have gone back into practice, but, having been out of the game for a couple of years, I could not have gotten a job on par with the one I left. I am now finishing a masters in social work and looking towards beginning a new career as a therapist (I'm much better with other people's problems than my own). It's a God-send of a second chance, and I definitely don't want to blow it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 It's true. My legal career didn't survive. I could have gone back into practice, but, having been out of the game for a couple of years, I could not have gotten a job on par with the one I left. I am now finishing a masters in social work and looking towards beginning a new career as a therapist (I'm much better with other people's problems than my own). It's a God-send of a second chance, and I definitely don't want to blow it. you can plan on making $40K per year with a MSW degree, maybe less if you have no experience. And you'll have to be supervised by a PhD or MD. If you would have gotten an MBA your potential earnings would be much higher. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 Alphamale--My dad has given me advice similar to yours. I am lucky to come from a wealthy family and also to have an excellent education. He worries about men taking advantage of me. BF has long term care insurance through work, and he will be paying his portion of the rent if I allow him to move in. That said, finances could still be an issue. I am not trying to brag--just putting the truth out there--he will never be in a financial situation anywhere near mine. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 20 years is a big age gap. There are no guarantees in life - but odds are a man 20 years older, you will end up a care giver once again. What are your long term plans? How do you envision retirement? How important is a sex life to you? How about being active etc? He may have a wonderful heart, but it’s hard to ignore the fact he will likely become a physical, mental and financial burden. It’s the old where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years question. I do also wonder why it is that you are drawn to men so much older than you. I hear what you said - but there are plenty of faithful younger men, really there are. Was your current boyfriend a sex seeking cheater 20 years ago? Did his character change with age? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 Alphamale--I also have an Ivy League undergrad degree and a law degree (plus a decade of practice). I'll be fine financially and am very seriously considering a PhD. I'm just happy to be moving into a service related and nurturing career. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 Recent Change-- I am doing a lot of work on myself right now to understand why I am drawn to older men. I dated men my own age until I was around 30. My current BF was not one of those men. He married young, and I am the only woman he has been with besides his wife. He grew up in a very conservative family in Europe and didn't start to date until he immigrated in his early twenties. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I'm just happy to be moving into a service related and nurturing career. unfortunately your earnings will also reflect that....I used to know a bunch of social workers, when the economy would get hot they would jump ship to work in more lucrative fields, when the economy would cool they would go back to being a social worker Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I can almost guarantee that this new guy will use you financialy, emotionally and sexually. He's in financial hardship and looking for a sugar momma As well as a future nurse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 As well as a future nurse. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 He may have a wonderful heart, but it’s hard to ignore the fact he will likely become a physical, mental and financial burden. Agreed. Some of the sweetest men are the ones who have less to offer than the woman and know it. I think it's a terrible idea to mix finances when you're not married, hence a terrible idea to move in together before you're married. I think you have a lot more to offer than he does, and eventually this will catch up with you. According to research, at least 80% of women aren't comfortable merging lives with a man who's in a weaker financial position. I agree with your dad that you have to be especially discriminating about dating partners, so as not to be taken advantage of. I wouldn't let him move in. I think if you do, you'll end up regretting it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Some of us don't ever get one chance at finding true love never mind twice. I'd say go for it. Life is short and made to be lived to the fullest. You've been down this road before so you know the risks involved. Isn't the risk worth it if it means you get another crack at love like that again? I think it is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 Just to put an end to the talk about my earnings (because I would really like the focus of this to be elsewhere), while I genuinely appreciate the input, I am independently wealthy, and my income as a social worker won't make a difference in my lifestyle. I am becoming a social worker because I am in a position to use my privilege to make my community a better place. I know that I am very lucky, and I want to do what I can for others who are not. There but for the grace of God go I! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Him moving in doesn't mean you have to then care for him if he falls ill for your whole life. Previously you cared for your husband by choice, and that was your husband. Now, it would still be your choice if it comes to that. I do see a problem with him asking to move in. He knows financially he is not as well off as you, so it was not appropriate for him to ask. It has to be your initiative. Don't let yourself be pressured. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 Just to put an end to the talk about my earnings (because I would really like the focus of this to be elsewhere), while I genuinely appreciate the input, I am independently wealthy, and my income as a social worker won't make a difference in my lifestyle. I am becoming a social worker because I am in a position to use my privilege to make my community a better place. I know that I am very lucky, and I want to do what I can for others who are not. There but for the grace of God go I! fair enough, my bad Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 (edited) I say no, and keep looking. If you want a partner that isn't going to be a burden, then you are with the wrong guy for the wrong reasons...love is blind, and you are doing it again...going with love and throwing caution into the wind. Now that you are older, and if this happens again, you may not be able to get yourself back on track financially, and your retirement will be squashed to bits. You need to wise up, and protect yourself. Now you can be long time BF/GF and don't live together. That would clear up most of the future issues. Like my 82 year old mother says, it's better to have a "gentleman friend" than being stuck with a husband/live-in BF that drains you and your bank account. What I see is a guy looking out for his best interest.....find someone that can bring more to the table. Plus you have only known him for a year....that isn't long enough to truly know someone...stop making life decisions with your emotions. Edited July 30, 2019 by smackie9 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I don't know what your laws are when living common-law, but in Canada you are considered as married, and that means they are entitled to alimony, your assets and responsible for their debt if you are the breadwinner of the partnership. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 How old are you now? Realistically, 20 years is a big age gap, and you could end up being this guy's nurse for years again. Alternatively, he could live to be a healthy 95 years old and you could be the one to get sick and he will have to nurse you. I guess you never know. I have to be honest, though -- I'd be really hesitant to get back into that situation again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted July 30, 2019 Share Posted July 30, 2019 I would not move in with him and I would probably look to end the relationship with dignity. Not because you WILL have to take care of him but because any relationship holds that chance. You could be with someone younger than you that develops cancer and it could happen at any point. But because of your experience, you view it through a lens that will make anything worse than reality. It sounds like he's still got a lot of years left but the potential for medical issues will hang over your head like Damocles' Sword and color your relationship, so it probably is best to end it. Of course, you could follow Mark Twain's advice and "not get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it." In other words, you could recognize that just because something happened in the past doesn't mean you should use it as the yardstick for what WILL happen. Trust me, if you had 10 or 20 years of true happiness and love, you should be thankful. But in order to do that with your current BF, you'd have to figure out how to unpack your own baggage and accept that life doesn't always work out the way you thought but that it still works out. And as long as I am quoting famous people, Mick once said, "You can't always get what you want but if you try sometime you find you get what you need." Either way, good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamartine Posted July 30, 2019 Author Share Posted July 30, 2019 Thank you for all the wonderful replies! For those asking, I am 37 (but about to turn 38). It's crazy. I remember when 30 seemed old, and, in the blink of an eye, it sounds so young now. My age might be one of the reasons I am staying with this BF. I am worried that I am too old to have much market value on the dating scene. Also, in the interest of full disclosure, I suffer fairly serious depression that has given me h*** since my husband's death, and my BF has been completely supportive and understanding about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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