Did I go about this the wrong way?

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

I’ve been messaging a guy (28y) I met once in Europe for close to 4 weeks. I found out we have so much in common, similar medical challenges, a passion for researching and learning, and an old-fashioned outlook on courting and love.

 

After about 10 days of messaging daily, we happened upon the topic of both identifying with Demi-sexuality. I mentioned I was physically attracted to him and felt a connection. However, I wouldn’t act on it in person since I wouldn’t feel complete trust and love. (This was stupid to express this, I’ve learned.) He then made it clear that he couldn’t see himself getting attracted to me. I’m not his type, and he hoped he wasn’t being offensive and if it’s weird to let him know, but he wants to be friends. He said he finds me interesting and enjoys talking to me. I told him I was grateful for his honesty and I brought it up to know upfront as there was no point in falling for someone who doesn’t feel the same (as he told me has happened to another woman he emailed with in the past).

Eventually, we just resumed conversation.

 

However, naturally, as the rejection sunk in, a little anger kicked in, and I ended up bringing up why I got the wrong idea. I needed to understand how I was so wrong so I could use it for the future. I explained that we had been messaging daily for over a week. (I’m wondering whether he really was that oblivious) and I mentioned the saying that men and women have a hard time really being friends. We had a nice conversation where he explained he just enjoys a good conversation and he doesn’t play games. If he wants to communicate with someone and has time, he just does. He said I’m over thinking haha. I agreed. I love to over analyze.

 

In the end, I said he doesn’t have to worry about me misunderstanding in this way again and I no longer feel anything towards him. I don’t want to pursue something with someone who does reciprocate. And I’d like to remain friends as I enjoy our intellectual conversations. He said he’d like to do that, let’s continue our conversations “once in a while,” and his offer still stands to show me his home country “for a day.” At this point, I realized he trusts me less and I just made this really awkward, so I figured let’s just try to resume even though I’m aware it’ll probably take a while to get back to where we were.

 

We still messaged somewhat frequently. Until about a week ago, where he tells me he met someone the week previous, and he’s using his phone less. So sometimes, there were 2-3 days lapses in messages. He was always kind enough to tell me or apologize. I eventually asked about the girl saying “as shallow as the word is, I’m curious what your “type” is. He proceeds to tell me all about her. What disgusts me is she’s very similar to me. Except, he says “she’s beautiful.” It’s like I’m not even seen for our similarities because of my looks. Nevertheless, I was respectful and showed my happiness for his new relationship. That’s what friends are for right?

 

The problem is, I think in the days that we were initially communicating, I became infatuated with a fantasy version of him. I tried to pull back, but I still think I’m too hopeful and emotional to be his friend. However, from what I said about his shallowness and close-mindedness when it comes to looks, it makes me realize I shouldn’t want anything to do with the real him. However I really enjoy our conversations. At one point, he even talked about being in love with this girl. This is completely contradictory to what he said about love developing slowly, so It’s very clear that he’s just infatuated. Either that or he’s saying this to me to make me react.

 

But none of that should even matter anymore.

 

At this point, I’ve had enough and want no contact with him so I can get rid of this fantasy I’ve created in my head. At the same time, I don’t want him to get an ego stroke from this (although, I figured it’s probably unavoidable.) So three days ago, I replied to his messages as part of our ongoing conversation, then I said, “Hey ____, First, thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to reply to me.

 

I want to let you know that I’m going to be busy for a while so I won’t be able to reply. I think this coincides well with the busyness and new relationships in our lives, so it’s perfect timing haha.

Second, I would like to wish you the very best with (his new girl)! I truly wish you happiness with her ?

Thanks for your understanding. Take care.”

 

I haven’t received a response. He has always been respectful and kind when not being able to message or if replying with a delay, and I always say something along the lines of “no worries, I understand. Thanks for letting me know.” Am I wrong to expect the same? Or have I done something that warrants no response? Does he think I’m playing a game or something, is he just too busy with his new relationship, or is he emotional about this? Should I have been honest when trying to get some distance? Especially, when it’s possible he could respond soon and ruin my progress.

 

Looking back at all this makes me cringe. As you can see I’m inexperienced when it comes to relationships due to life circumstances that caused me to miss out at a younger age, so can you please help me understand these interactions? Thank you.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think you sent a clear message that it's over. I don't see why he would need to respond any further given that your communication was already dwindling.

 

He very likely saw your last message as the official 'good bye'.

 

No need to beat a dead horse.

 

It's probably the best thing anyway, especially for you.

 

Your growing resentment would have killed it anyway.

 

Time to move on sweets.

[anika99]

I agree that your message was clear and didn't require a response. "Thanks for your understanding, take care" pretty much closes the door.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Thank you for your responses.

 

My hope was to resume conversation in a few weeks or however long it takes me to get a grip.

We have mutual friends, which is how we met. Ultimately, that’s why I did this. I knew I needed to distance myself before I really screwed it up beyond repair with my resentment.

 

He and I are pretty direct people though, so I was honest when I said I wouldn’t reply “for a while.” Otherwise, if I were truly trying to end it forever, I’m sure there would’ve been a better way to do so. E.g. telling the truth.

 

As I said, I enjoyed our communication about educational things and one day when I have no feelings for him, I’d like to communicate again. Do you think it was wrong to have paused communication the way I did if I intended to resume contact in the future? If yes, how would you have gone about it? The way I saw it is that it’d be like any no contact period where once the person heals, if they feel they want a friendship, they can try.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I don't think it was wrong to pause communication. You did what you felt was necessary for YOU and that's all that matters.

 

I think it still leaves room for you to re-establish connection in the future but for now, it's best that you both just go about your lives.

Edited July 30, 2019 by Michelle ma Belle

[d0nnivain]

You wanted a relationship. He didn't. When you told him what you wanted the friendship ended. That is probably better. You can't be just friends with somebody when you want more. It hurts too much. Moreover now that he has a GF, the last thing she wants is some chick with a crush on her guy hanging around. Out of respect for her, he has to distance himself from you.

 

Going forward do not make the mistake you made here. The frequency of messages which you took as meaningful is actually meaningless. The only thing that matters is when a actual date occurs.

[preraph]

I think you're kidding yourself that you don't have romantic feelings for him. I think there is a lesson to be learned here.

 

Just because you want to spend a long time getting to know someone before you feel romantic or think you should feel romantic, doesn't mean that this approach will work. Friends and romantic, for most people, are two separate things, and usually the romantic needs to be in place first and then hopefully you also feel they're a friend, but not enough of one for that to be the main thing because then many people lose their attraction when it becomes too familial.

 

You said you had that in common with him, but clearly you don't. Because he said you're not his type. He really likes you, so he doesn't mean you're not his friend or mental type. He means you're not the type he's physically attracted to, so clearly that means he is not only attracted once he is deep into friendship with someone. His attraction doesn't grow with prolonged friendship. The attraction has to be there first for him, and most people.

[stillafool]

I think the reason he didn't respond was because he didn't want it to turn into a discussion. Having a new gf it was inevitable that your chats were going to end anyway sooner or later. Never ask a man why you aren't his type. With them it pretty much always has to do with looks; so don't set yourself up for that. You did the right thing by ending your chats but I think it's a bad idea to try to remain in contact with him later because your crush will return and you will feel resentful.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Thank you, D0nnivain. I definitely realized my mistake. It was immature to look at the frequency of messages as meaningful.

You’re right, it does hurt a little more than I expected. I thought that since infatuation is such a transient feeling, eventually I would let the idea of him go. Especially as I got to know him and saw more of his narrow-minded values.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

I think you're kidding yourself that you don't have romantic feelings for him. I think there is a lesson to be learned here.

 

 

Thank you for your response. Perhaps you’re right, but I did say that I’m infatuated with a fantasy version of him, seeing that the real him doesn’t appreciate me. I told him that I didn’t feel anything for him so it wouldn’t be weird between us. Although, he is smart, so I’d imagine he knows the truth. I don't consider infatuation anything more than irrational feelings.

 

 

 

Just because you want to spend a long time getting to know someone before you feel romantic or think you should feel romantic, doesn't mean that this approach will work. Friends and romantic, for most people, are two separate things, and usually the romantic needs to be in place first and then hopefully you also feel they're a friend, but not enough of one for that to be the main thing because then many people lose their attraction when it becomes too familial.

 

You said you had that in common with him, but clearly you don't. Because he said you're not his type. He really likes you, so he doesn't mean you're not his friend or mental type. He means you're not the type he's physically attracted to, so clearly that means he is not only attracted once he is deep into friendship with someone. His attraction doesn't grow with prolonged friendship. The attraction has to be there first for him, and most people.

 

Although I partially agree here, I have to say that I’ve heard stories, some on this very website, where men have grown attracted to their friend who they once found unattractive. Unfortunately, that’s what my hope was and is built on.

 

Additionally, I took his qualifiers “I don’t think...” (you’re my type) and “I couldn’t see myself...” (being attracted to you) as a possibility of open-mindedness. However, I am aware that they could've just been added to reduce the harshness of his statements.

Edited July 31, 2019 by Ijustdon'tgetit

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

I think the reason he didn't respond was because he didn't want it to turn into a discussion. Having a new gf it was inevitable that your chats were going to end anyway sooner or later. Never ask a man why you aren't his type. With them it pretty much always has to do with looks; so don't set yourself up for that. You did the right thing by ending your chats but I think it's a bad idea to try to remain in contact with him later because your crush will return and you will feel resentful.

 

I appreciate your input. I will keep in mind what you said.

 

I would hope that after this silly infatuation period ends, being in contact with him wouldn’t restart such feelings again because one reason I got into this predicament was partly due to an unrealistic view of him. I think once it’s burned into my mind that he doesn’t have the same values as me in terms of “types” and appearances, I won’t develop any more feelings for him. Additionally, one way I will know that I’m over him is if I’m ok with the idea of him being with other women. If I’m able to talk to him seriously about his love life, I think at that point I’d be neutral and less concerned about developing another crush. I’m open to opinions on that though.

[Erik30]

"However, from what I said about his shallowness and close-mindedness when it comes to looks, it makes me realize I shouldn’t want anything to do with the real him...."

 

I don't think it's fair to say that just because he isn't attracted to you. Most people care about looks, it's not shallow to reject someone because of it. Happens to all of us.

 

Your last message to him seems a bit passive aggressive, ("thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to reply to me..." ) maybe that's also why he hasn't replied.... at least that's how I would read that.

 

It's probably best to just move on. You don't want to torture yourself with hearing stories about his new girl.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

I don't think it's fair to say that just because he isn't attracted to you. Most people care about looks, it's not shallow to reject someone because of it. Happens to all of us.

 

Hi, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

 

Unfortunately, I can’t completely agree. Maybe it isn’t fair, but I think people nowadays are way too focused on appearances rather than personality and other values that make a person. Maybe I should just leave it as our values don’t mesh because I don’t focus on looks very much when meeting people. People are so unique and beautiful in their own way. If one’s personality is great and a match for me, that’s the biggest factor in attracting me to them physically. The only “type” I would say I have is that I would prefer a guy who is my height or taller, only because I personally feel very unfeminine and unattractive around guys who are shorter than me. But even still, if the guy has an amazing personality that makes him too good to pass on, I might even overlook that. In that way, I think heavy focus on appearances is shallow and causes people to ignore the deeper, more meaningful aspects of a person.

 

Your last message to him seems a bit passive aggressive, ("thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to reply to me..." ) maybe that's also why he hasn't replied.... at least that's how I would read that.

 

Passive-aggressive? Wow, that wasn’t my intent. I guess, to me, that’s just me being direct and to the point. Especially since I was uncomfortable about the whole situation. It’s just that he made it clear he’s been busy, so I wanted to show gratitude that despite that, he still took the time to respond to me. I thought it was genuine, but perhaps I should have wrote it the way I just did in this paragraph. Thank you.

[Erik30]

Hi, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

 

Unfortunately, I can’t completely agree. Maybe it isn’t fair, but I think people nowadays are way too focused on appearances rather than personality and other values that make a person. Maybe I should just leave it as our values don’t mesh because I don’t focus on looks very much when meeting people. People are so unique and beautiful in their own way. If one’s personality is great and a match for me, that’s the biggest factor in attracting me to them physically. The only “type” I would say I have is that I would prefer a guy who is my height or taller, only because I personally feel very unfeminine and unattractive around guys who are shorter than me. But even still, if the guy has an amazing personality that makes him too good to pass on, I might even overlook that. In that way, I think heavy focus on appearances is shallow and causes people to ignore the deeper, more meaningful aspects of a person.

 

 

 

Passive-aggressive? Wow, that wasn’t my intent. I guess, to me, that’s just me being direct and to the point. Especially since I was uncomfortable about the whole situation. It’s just that he made it clear he’s been busy, so I wanted to show gratitude that despite that, he still took the time to respond to me. I thought it was genuine, but perhaps I should have wrote it the way I just did in this paragraph. Thank you.

 

 

It's great that looks are not that important to you, but "unfortunately" it is for most people. (Especially for guys) But I like how you explained it here, you are probably an exception though.

 

I know you were kind off joking with your message to him, but he could interpret it as if you were saying: "oh you're too busy for me? Well now I'm too busy for you.." It wasn't really necessary to send that, but I get your intention. Perhaps he thought it was a bit too much. It doesn't really matter anyway, it's not worth your time to worry about this guy

[schlumpy]

I think once it’s burned into my mind that he doesn’t have the same values as me in terms of “types” and appearances' date=' I won’t develop any more feelings for him. Additionally, one way I will know that I’m over him is if I’m ok with the idea of him being with other women. I’m open to opinions on that though.[/quote']

 

One thing you didn't touch on was his viewpoint on life. What if he's not happy with a fantasy over the internet and needs a physical presence in his life. Someone he can put his arms around and hug. Regardless of what he says he is attracted to you or he wouldn't keep up the patter but he recognizes - it's not reality. He's thinking how much time and effort should he sacrifice for something that may be (The LDR with you) compared to something that can be such as his new girlfriend?

 

When he said you weren't his type he was just establishing distance so he wouldn't get drawn in. If you want a relationship with this guy you have to be more than a short visit every few months and words on a screen. You have be there in his daily life and that's a big risk for you.

 

I suggest you shut the door, move on and put your love spell on someone that can hug you every day.

 

Best Wishes

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Thank you Schlumpy and Erik30. The guy (let’s just call him Andy) and I had an enlightening chat yesterday. What Erik30 said compelled me to write Andy to ensure I hadn’t been misunderstood. Although Erik30, I think you were adding assumptions to some of what I said to him, rather than perceiving my direct meaning. I was not joking at all when I said what I said. I just have trouble saying things softly and delicately I guess.

 

Anyway, Schlumpy, after my conversation with Andy yesterday, I completely agree with what you’re saying more than anything.

 

I told him it was brought to my attention that my message could possibly be taken as passive-aggressive and as if I was getting back at him for being busy, i.e. “you’re too busy for me, well now I’m too busy for you.” I told him I was honestly trying to show gratitude for his replies, despite his busy life. Then, I decided to just be honest. I said, “And to be truthful, I just need distance and I was genuine when I said I wouldn’t contact for a while, but my hope is that won’t last forever. Take care.”

 

It was a little awkward at first because he kept telling me how he’s been so busy - between his hobbies and learning the language of his new girlfriend-, that he didn’t read my message (although the app showed a read receipt), that he forgot about my messages, and he put it on his to do list. Then, he proceeds to respond to my past messages, completely ignoring my plea for distance. By the time he got to the third message, I said “I feel like you’re ignoring my last message lol. Regarding distance.” “So I’m not writing to remind you, you haven’t replied to me. I promise. I just wanted to clear up that if it came across passive, I didn’t mean it. Can we come back where we left off in some weeks when I contact you? I would really appreciate it.” “I hope that’s not weird haha.”

 

He seemed confused initially, asking “what do you mean?” and “Yeah of course, should I reply to your other messages?” I said, “Sorry, I know this is difficult through text. It’s missing all nonverbal cues and what not.. No, no need to respond to them, please. Thank you. I just need some distance. I should’ve just been honest about that last week. But I guess there were reasons preventing me from doing so initially.”

 

Then he said, “Can you explain briefly? I’m not following.” But, eventually he said he gets it and “I’m sorry, K, I made you feel this way. I understand. I was never good at picking up signals.”

 

I told him there’s no reason he should feel sorry. It’s just human nature. “I think that it’s good that you don’t get signals because that means it won’t be awkward between us haha.” And he laughed and sent a smile at that.

 

I then said, “I figured that if we continued messaging as it stands, eventually I’m going to ruin the ‘friendship’ because of resentment since (as of right now) I want to be more than a friend with you. But luckily I think it’s mostly infatuation with an unrealistic version of you, so I think after some space away from you, I will let it go (and meet new people) and then I can be an actual friend. I already feel so much better after this week. I am beginning to see our values don’t line up as I don’t see appearances in people the way you do, so I think I’ll let this go in no time.”

 

He said he was really flattered. He agreed and said that this is the problem when you only text. He then asked me to clarify what I meant by me not seeing appearances in people the same as him. I told him I might regret going into it with him because I didn’t want him to feel defensive. Then, I essentially sent him what I told Erik30 above in this thread regarding my opinion on “types.” And I added, “However, I’ve been told that I’m an exception in this respect. Perhaps I’m not accounting for biology and evolution.”

 

What he said next surprised me. He asked me what made me think he’s only focused on appearance? He said he had a pretty long relationship with someone who he initially was friends with and he always made it clear to her that it was never going to be more, but after a while he completely fell for her person. He said it’s the same with his new girlfriend.

 

I explained my point of view, which I expressed in my original post on this site, and I apologized because I never actually asked his views. (In a way, I was just believing it because I thought I needed that to get over him.) I told him to kindly understand it’s just the rejection that has me thinking this way and I probably won’t feel the same way in a month from now. And I reiterated my need for distance. I said I want him to be happy and eventually I want to be happy for the two of them.

 

He said we can “drop the subject for a while and speak to eachother later (: I want you to be happy as well. And really hope that we can stay friends and have interesting talks or visits in the future.”

 

I don’t know what to think just yet as to why he shared this with me. But again, I totally agree with what Schlumpy said; that Andy was probably trying to establish distance with me to avoid what I ended up doing: getting roped into a fantasy. As a real friend, I would probably also advise him to go with someone in front of him rather than an LDR.

He says he and his girlfriend are currently moving mountains to make it work. I’ll say though that when he first told me about the girl, he told me she wants to do a PhD on an island country in January, so he admitted it would be a bit tricky for a relationship.

 

I can’t help but feel hope right now. This really seems like a case of wrong timing, if it were even possible that anything would’ve developed between us had there not been so many obstacles. But I know, at least for now, the best I can do is just try to let go of the fantasy. That way, I can stop these terrible mood changes, between happiness to hear from him and depression about our situation. I want it to end, as it’s not healthy. Also, I’m going to take advice from a member on this forum, which is to stop expectations. The less I expect, the less disappointed I’ll feel. And what will be, will be. I wish I had followed that sooner.. Ultimately, I think the good that comes from this is that it motivates me to improve myself as I can see a more tangible reason to do so, and even if it ends up being for someone else I meet down the line, this was a beneficial experience in my life.

 

Finally, I think I’m going to use what Schlumpy said and when I get in contact with Andy again, I’ll try to get more of a sense of his views in life. I think I could somewhat guess though based on the fact that I know he had a long distance relationship in the past that occurred toward the end of their relationship, and their breakup wasn’t solely due to the distance. So he’s open to it, just probably not right away, which means I’d have a lot to consider if his current relationship doesn’t pan out.

 

Thanks for reading everyone. I would really appreciate your perspectives.

[schlumpy]

It was very kind of you to give such an lengthy follow up post. I truly am sorry if you are going through any heart ache but we all share a common bond when it comes to this aspect of our humanity.

 

You are not in denial so I have no fear that your future decisions will be against your own best interests. Everyone has had relationships that they had to let go because of logistics with distance being just one determinate.

 

I agree in keeping your expectations low. Never expect people to say thank you when you hold the door open for them. That way you are never disappointed.

 

Best Wishes