Do you need a partner to be happy?

[SSE]

I had an on and off fling with a married man. I couldn’t go on like this anymore and ended it a couple of months ago. This was my first ‘relationship’ ever. Only at the beginning of our fling I was happy. That great feeling of being in love. However, the affair made me generally unhappy. But I miss him while I know he doesn’t miss me. I long for him even though he treated me badly. I long for that feeling I had at the beginning of the affair. I was happy then.

 

Now I’m not happy. I’m single. Most of my friends are married and have children. They are happy. I have nothing of that and remember the last time I was happy was at the beginning of the affair. I cannot go back to the married man, that would destroy me. I’m trying Tinder but it’s not going well. Finding someone online isn’t easy. I don’t like it. I am terrified of staying single forever and of not having my own children someday. I cry a lot when these thoughts come up. I so long for a relationship because it really made me happy as I recall in the beginning of the affair. A nice boyfriend would make me so happy.

 

My therapist told me that in my eyes happiness depends on a man. I have the idea that I only will be happy if I have a nice boyfriend. Is that such a weird thought? Married man made me happy in the beginning. However, this thought is also making me miserable because I cannot predict the future, but I assume the worst case scenario: me, single, all alone and my 5 cats in an apartment. I don’t want that future, I want to be happy with a partner and children! But I cannot be hopeful for the future, I just can’t. These thoughts are very energy consuming. Life just doesn’t look good for me without a partner and children! I’m going crazy…

 

What’s your opinion about my story and do you need a partner to be happy?

[alphamale]

I personally am unhappy when I have a partner and when I don't have a partner. Sorta like the grass is greener on the other side.

 

I haven't dated in quite a while because I haven't met anyone interesting but I am relatively happy in all the other areas of my life.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Some people cannot be happy without the companionship of a romantic partner in their life. We were actually designed for relationship with others.

 

How old are you?

 

How did you meet your married man?

[d0nnivain]

You don't NEED a partner to be happy. True happiness comes from within. Get a pet if you crave companionship.

 

When you become at peace with yourself, when you are happy, then when you get a partner, everything becomes better because someone is there to share your joy & it expounds exponentially.

 

Unfortunately when you think you NEED a partner to be happy, you chose someone anyone out of desperation just to not be alone & you end up more unhappy, like with the MM. You settled. Things were worse.

 

Learn to love yourself. When you see yourself as loveable & complete, then you will find a good healthy match.

 

FWIW in your thread about what's wrong with me, you say something about the MM being with his wife & kids & how happy he much be. Oh how wrong you are. If he was happy he never would have cheated. His a pale imitation of a good guy. He's more alone then you are. You are solitary. He's living at lie. You are simply struggling to find the truth of who you are. It's not somebody's mistress, in case you were wondering.

Edited July 30, 2019 by d0nnivain

[preraph]

Happiness honestly has little to do with having a partner and more to do with who you are. If you were happy before on your own, you are probably a basically happy person. If you were never happy really, just having a partner won't make you happy. It's all what's inside you. No one can "make you happy."

[CT98]

I think you can definitely be happy without a partner. But it is a different kind of happiness when you have one who is good for you; I feel it's important to make that distinction.

 

I am single as of two months ago, and I am fairly happy dong my thing; being with friends, exercising, playing music etc..

 

But having a partner who you get along with great, going for meals out, cooking for each other, making each other laugh...I mean it's blissful, and I do really want that.

 

However I have also had partners who have been downright abusive, who have not liked me going out on my own with friends, who have nitpicked me at any given oppurtunity - and that was MISERABLE.

 

I feel it's important to make best of where you are RIGHT NOW. You can't be anywhere else. So if you're single, enjoy the freedom and the ability to indulge in WHATEVER THE HELL YOU FEEL LIKE DOING. You don't know what the future holds, so try to create happiness in the moment and see what unfolds for you.

[nolanola]

I've been single, in relationships, dating, and engaged. I'm single right now and healing from having my heart broken. It sucks. But I can say the most miserable I have ever been in my life was when I was with an old boyfriend that treated me terribly. I know 1000% that I would rather be single forever than to be miserable like that.

 

We all want to find that person that we love to spend time with, that makes us laugh, that makes us feel good, and so on. Of course. But one thing I am coming to terms with is that it's ok if I'm alone right now. It's not the right time for me to have someone and maybe I'm not the right person to have a healthy relationship right now. I'm still healing and trying to get my self esteem back on track. I don't think I would be a good partner. I tried to date on Hinge and I met some really nice guys (and a few weirdos...) but it was just making me unhappy.

 

I totally agree with what @dOnnivain said upthread - don't judge someone else by what you think they have. My Dad always says "don't judge other's insides by their outsides". I had dinner with a friend on mine last night. She seemed like she got a happy ending because she married a guy a few years ago (after multiple broken engagements) and had a daughter. But now their marriage is not going well and the man is verbally abusive towards her. She feels stuck because of her daughter. Things aren't always what they seem. I love my friend to bits but I am so glad I didn't marry my old boyfriend because even though I'm alone now, I got away from that toxicity that was making me so miserable.

 

Try to work on making yourself the best you that you can be - I know it's so cheesy but you can't have a healthy relationship until you are healthy too. Listen to the Lizzo song "Soulmate" - it's so good, she talks about being your own soulmate.

[alphamale]

I have found that many women have a harder time without a romantic partner. a lot of men don't give a sh*t...

[The Outlaw]

Happiness, in the long run, depends on you. That's something you can do by yourself if you want it. And I'm more than content flying solo. It can get lonely at times, but I'd rather be happy single than potentially miserable in an unhealthy relationship. I never fully trusted the last girl I dated. Period. And again, I second what Alpha said. Some men just don't care.

[Jacobv1]

I can relate to the op. I need a partner to be happy, I tried living my life alone and it's a disaster upon disasters trumatizations. It would be nice to have someone to go to at the end of the day.

[major_merrick]

I think some people can be happy without a partner. I can't. And I have a hard time being happy with just one partner. I'm kind of a pack creature, so being by myself for long periods of time is pretty destructive to my soul.

[Trail Blazer]

No, you do not *need* a partner to be happy. Those who do are not happy within themselves, I believe. Trying to fill the void of happiness with a partner is a recipe for disaster.

 

The happiest and the most miserable people are perhaps those in relationships. Being in a loving and equally committed relationship would have to be one of the best experiences one could have. Conversely, being in a toxic relationship is so much worse than being single.

[Blanco]

Nah, I'm a pretty surly guy no matter what.

 

I would say that I enjoy a lot of what the single life entails, though there is always a small part of me that still misses the last relationship/partner until I meet the next one, even if I feel I've accepted the split and don't really wanna get back with them.

[SSE]

I'm 28, turning 29 next month. I met the married man at my previous job.

 

Yesterday, I had a mental breakdown at work. I just started crying. My colleagues asked me what was wrong. I said that I am so scared of being single for the rest of my life and not having my own children someday. It's not the life I want. I want to experience genuine love. What I had with the married man wasn't genuine love. It was from my side, not his. My angst is interferring with my work. Even at work I think about the worst case scenario of me being alone all my life without love. It's not healthy anymore. I'm on meds and go to IC. But I don't have the feeling it's working already. There's no change in me (yet). I just can't flip a switch and become someone else. It's even painfull when I meet with friends. They are all married and coupled up. It just physically hurts me because I long for that so much.

 

I'm still hurting about everything that happened with the married man. But I know that I won't go back to him if he should contact me again. I still lurk at the OM/OW forum and when I read some posts, I can feel their pain. I don't want to experience such pain ever again! I really feel their pain because I still have that pain myself. I'm still not over him. I don't know if I miss him or the feeling of being with someone, but there's a large void inside of me. A large, painfull void. :'(

 

I try dating because I don't want to stand still and look back. I want to move forward with my life. Trying to have the life I want and not the life I'm terrified for. Not wanting to regret later that I didn't even try. I went on dates with 5 different men already. Some dates were good, others weren't. There was nobody I felt a connection with. It was a bit dissapointing. I have already 'tried' 5 different men. How many men is it going to take to find a good one for me?