How we became the "other"--could also apply to emotionally disconnected marriage

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Since I've been back on LS reading and posting in this forum, I've gained some additional insight into how I became an OW, and I realize it relates to patterns in my previous romantic relationships (wherein I was never an OW). I'm sharing this insight in hopes that 1) others may benefit from it, and 2) others will share their own experiences as they may relate to this topic.

 

In reading threads from AP's, I see a recurring theme of selecting a romantic partner who is 'emotionally unavailable.' Not to be cliche, but it is straight fact that no married person can be wholly available to another.

 

On one particular thread, I found myself internally asking the OP if she would accept this same unavailable behavior from someone not married. That led me to start comparing how I have felt in romantic relationships with men where I felt like I was doing most of the relationship 'heavy lifting,' having my needs unmet, looking to my partner at times to meet needs when I should have focused more on what I could do for myself and whether this person was a good fit for meeting my relationship needs. Truly, there are a lot of similarities to dating someone who is not prepared or unable to 'show up' for me to my overall experience with xMM. The similarities have much to do with imbalance in the relationship and the anguish that goes with that.

 

Working through this in the last several weeks, I have realized that the commonality has to due with vulnerability and intimacy. We yearn for that from those we most desire, yet at times we sabotage this either by our own behaviors or choice of romantic partner. I habitually chose men who could not give me what I needed to sustain a meaningful long-term connection. What I now realize is I was pushing that kind of connection away from myself...not because I didn't want it, but because I was fearful of repeating my parents patterns, and MOSTLY because I was avoiding some shadow stuff within myself. This has much to do with attachment styles in psychology. It is beneficial to explore where each of us might fall into these attachment styles to better understand how/why we choose the relationships we do. It interests me to consider how each style interacts with another. For example, with xMM, I was "anxious-preoccupied" while he was "dismissive-avoidant." What a great (toxic) combo! He got to avoid real connection while I got to be perpetually anxious about where I stood with him.

 

When we focus on what another is not giving us, or our pain in not getting what we need from someone else, we can easily distract ourselves from the real issues within ourselves that need to be faced and healed. We externalize our pain, rather than face it head-on and deal with those past injuries within ourselves. We put off those tough memories and avoid those tough emotions--we sabotage our healing and opt instead to replay dramas with various people (playing the same role) to justify our pain and dilemmas.

 

In doing so, we avoid intimacy...FIRST OF ALL WITH OURSELVES. We avoid acknowledging that we are not giving to ourselves what we are craving and focus that need on someone else. Then we get caught up in the powerless of it all, of how we can not control that the person of our desire is not meeting these needs (and often because they are running from something within themselves, too!). I think people cheat because they are trying to get needs met without doing the much needed work on themselves and within their marriage/LTR. On both sides of the fence, each person is avoiding intimacy with him-/herself by avoiding these truths. If we can not be intimate and honest with ourselves, it becomes more difficult to be intimate and honest with others.

 

I think this same theme applies to those in 'loveless' marriages. If you are in a marriage where your emotional needs are going unmet, ask yourself if there were needs within you that you thought your partner could fill. Ask yourself if you chose your partner because they were safe (they avoid intimacy so you can too). This is the root of push/pull dynamic, I believe:

 

Pull - "I need closeness and togetherness!"

Push - "Oh no! Closeness and togetherness!"

Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

 

The pushing is fear based. For example, a fear of losing oneself or a fear of not succeeding or of being devastated. We think we can control outcomes if we stay at arm's length. But always, control is an illusion! We can never control anything outside of ourselves. We can only hope to influence outcomes, and nothing is ever guaranteed because everyone has their own free will, needs, desires, fears, choices, etc.

[Prudence V]

In reading threads from AP's, I see a recurring theme of selecting a romantic partner who is 'emotionally unavailable.'

 

I do relate to that. My attachment style was always avoidant. I didn’t do “needs”. And I certainly didn’t want to be the supplier for someone else’s.

[DKT3]

I recall a conversation with you maybe two years ago in which I tried to convey some of this to you. I remember you getting very frustrated with me and accusing me of holding you back.

 

I'm happy that you are in a much better place now and can see you cant deflect or avoid confronting your pain, fears and pointing your energy in the right direction.

 

May seem odd coming from someone you've had limited interaction with on a public forum, but I feel oddly proud of your progression, not that it matters to you.

[mark clemson]

Not sure if this is on topic, but, while we all certainly have external needs, including, for many if not most of us emotional needs, contentment tends to come from within.

 

Contentment is fragile and unmet needs can certainly override it. But I also think that if you can foster it within yourself, it's possible to gain clarity and a certain amount of power over your own emotional needs. The "hurt" of smaller, less important unmet needs hurts less and you have perspective on them and can make clear headed decisions instead of reacting negatively "in the moment."

 

That said, if your marriage really needs a lot of work or your partner is a trainwreck who's destroying any semblance of a normal life, contentment isn't going to fix the situation.

 

One thing I definitely lost during my EA, particularly during limerence, was contentment. Content during the highs perhaps, but not at all during the lows. And I think positive contentment is much more "stable" than that. At a certain point I realized that I had lost it and couldn't feel content anymore. That too passed, but there was a phase were I missed the ability to feel content a lot.

[anika99]

I have always thought that part of what makes the MM so desirable and irresistible to the OW is his unavailability. In some ways the OW enjoys being in love with a fantasy man instead of a real life present man. And while I have not been an OW I can sort of relate as I also have a history of getting involved with men who can't or won't meet my needs. I used to wail about the unfairness of it all. "Whyyyyy can't I meet a man who will care about me and my needs the way I care about him??!!" Then one day I woke up and smelled the coffee. I did meet kind caring men and I rejected them. I was picking the men I was with and something was driving my choices. One day I realized that I was picking emotionally stunted unavailable men because I myself was emotionally unavailable.

[BaileyB]

How many women come on this site and give the BS argument “I’m not interested/don’t want/not ready for a “real” relationship right now... So, I’ll just choose this MM because he is safe, he will never ask for more, he can’t hurt me...” It’s total BS, for so many reasons, but try to convince them of that...

[Arieswoman]

BB,

How many women come on this site and give the BS argument “I’m not interested/don’t want/not ready for a “real” relationship right now... So, I’ll just choose this MM because he is safe, he will never ask for more, he can’t hurt me...” It’s total BS, for so many reasons, but try to convince them of that...

 

 

Yup, and then they get involved and we get all the postings on LS about how it hasn't turned out as they hoped.....

[somanymistakes]

The MM was the nice guy I dated and dumped way-back-when I was younger because I was too scared and messed-up at that time to be emotionally available and therefore ran off to have a string of bad relationships instead

 

Us getting back together was entirely about learning to face up to our mistakes and talk about what we really feel and accept the consequences instead of running away from them.

[pepperbird]

Personally, I think a big problem is how we have all been led to believe that we all somehow "deserve" happiness, as if the universe somehow owes us that. We are led to think that happiness comes from external sources and is provided to us, when the exact opposite is true.

 

Some people spend their whole life looking for that elusive "happiness" and they never find it.

 

Happiness is often not a function of some external forces. It should come from within.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I do relate to that. My attachment style was always avoidant. I didn’t do “needs”. And I certainly didn’t want to be the supplier for someone else’s.

 

This is interesting. I would have assumed most OW to share anxious attachment style. Your post demonstrates something different from my expectation, and exploring different views is one thing I hoped to accomplish on this thread. Thanks for posting!

 

Care to expound?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I recall a conversation with you maybe two years ago in which I tried to convey some of this to you. I remember you getting very frustrated with me and accusing me of holding you back.

 

I'm happy that you are in a much better place now and can see you cant deflect or avoid confronting your pain, fears and pointing your energy in the right direction.

 

May seem odd coming from someone you've had limited interaction with on a public forum, but I feel oddly proud of your progression, not that it matters to you.

 

@DKT3, hugs! My perspective has changed quite a lot since I first came here. Was not easy and I still have a ways to go. In IC today, I stated my next goal is to move from anxious-attachment to secure-attachment.. I think I've begun budding in that direction but will be good for IC to give feedback and guidance.

 

I recall a couple of years ago you seemed to be dealing with some residual pain of BS but clearly you have come a long way to heal, too! Let's take a moment to celebrate our progress from our efforts! There are a lot of people who would avoid, project, stuff, deny, and stay stuck. Hooray for our progress!

 

It does matter to me and thank you! It's amazing how a bunch of anonymous strangers across the globe can come together spontaneously to impact others' lives so positively, and how this same group can form a community of support to rally around those who are wounded. It just shows that we are all not so different after all, we all have the same basic needs regardless of gender, culture, age, or race.

[Prudence V]

Care to expound?

 

I learned during my childhood not to expect nurturing from anyone - it was provide for yourself, or do without. So I went into relationships with a similar perspective. I saw it as fiercely independent, not remotely pathological and looked for others with a similar orientation: I was tired of being “the strong one”, meeting all my own needs and then being expected to meet the needs of others, too. So I figured, a MM has another source for “having their needs met”, surely? And yes, I wanted a mirror for my own unavailability, so that it would be symmetrical.

 

Ideal, you might think. But things don’t always work out the way you plan...

[Turning point]

From childhood I remember a short riddle which has stuck with me:

 

Q: "What is always coming, but never arrives?"

A: Tomorrow.

 

This is a very simple way to look at why we would choose the emotionally unavailable. We prop them up as the proposed solution to our own issues, yet we know they will never force us to actually address them. Tomorrow - will be better.

 

If only...

Edited August 2, 2019 by Turning point

[HadMeOverABarrel]

From childhood I remember a short riddle which has stuck with me:

 

Q: "What is always coming, but never arrives?"

A: Tomorrow.

 

This is a very simple way to look at why we would choose the emotionally unavailable. We prop them up as the proposed solution to our own issues, yet we know they will never force us to actually address them. Tomorrow - will be better.

 

If only...

 

Yet when we face our issues we finally find our own little slice of heaven, peace and joy.

 

Why do we run from/fear our inner work and healing so much?

 

OR is it that we are subconsciously seeking to heal it but are looking in the wrong places?

Edited August 2, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel

[PhoenixRising8]

From childhood I remember a short riddle which has stuck with me:

 

Q: "What is always coming, but never arrives?"

A: Tomorrow.

 

This is a very simple way to look at why we would choose the emotionally unavailable. We prop them up as the proposed solution to our own issues, yet we know they will never force us to actually address them. Tomorrow - will be better.

 

If only...

 

To add to this, something I learned not soon enough, if you build your life on tomorrow you end up with nothing but empty yesterdays.

[Prudence V]

To add to this, something I learned not soon enough, if you build your life on tomorrow you end up with nothing but empty yesterdays.

 

Exactly. Which is why I’ve always argued, if your R (any R, not just an EMR.) isn’t *today* meeting your needs, don’t invest further in the hope that one day it will. Today is all you have. If the R as it is today meets your needs, or enough of your needs, or more of your needs than not being in the R (or being in another R with someone else), then fair enough. But if you’re hoping for more - don’t waste your time.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Exactly. Which is why I’ve always argued, if your R (any R, not just an EMR.) isn’t *today* meeting your needs, don’t invest further in the hope that one day it will. Today is all you have. If the R as it is today meets your needs, or enough of your needs, or more of your needs than not being in the R (or being in another R with someone else), then fair enough. But if you’re hoping for more - don’t waste your time.

 

This is good!

 

After xMM, a guy I dated (if we can call it that) and we bonded with each other recently circled back. However, I don't perceive him putting as much effort as I'd like to see so I'm confused on his intentions.

 

The thought that puts me in check is, "Is he giving me what I need to see to take him seriously for long-term prospect? No? Then step back, focus on myself, and only give him energy when he puts energy. If he does not put forth the effort, he doesn't value me as he should, and I will not waste my energy on it. Got better things to do like become a better version of myself so I am ready for the one who will put forth the effort without any cajoling or chasing on my part."

 

These days I'm focused on balance in my relationships. Major lesson I learned from xMM self-recovery.

[Turning point]

Life is a balancing act. You cannot assess a relationship on the basis of your needs being met without also accounting for the cost and risk as well.

 

An affair easily meets what people (believe) are their needs. ( I would argue they are desires which can be positive or negative, whereas need implies only a positive imperative.)

 

Yet, the risk and cost associated with an affair outweighs the benefit for all but the most egregiously selfish people.

 

When we delude ourselves and elevate our desire to a need - we devalue ALL of our relationships. The currency with which we transact them has an ever declining value. The people closet to us leave because we are emotionally bankrupt.