I've been staying with my parents for 2+ months.

[SparklingandBroken]

I ignored so many red flags, for so many reasons. A little over 2 months ago, I had a moment of clarity and it was just a feeling I could not shake. That entire day summed up all of our issues in one snapshot of the time I have spent with my husband. (this is a whole lot of info. grab a snack if you care.)

 

We were with his family, yet again, at a bar. My grandpa's memorial was coming up (planned around the busy weekends already booked with his friends and family). My husband flatly told me that my BIL said they would be planning our niece's Bday for that same day (saturday), instead of the next day as previously discussed. I was a little stunned, but not really because this is how every event plays out. It's really hard to plan around a moving target. I sometimes wonder if it is a manipulation game. (fast forward, they did it on sunday afterall). He then aggressively says to me "it doesn't revolve around your family". I lost it at that...no, nothing ever revolves around my family. He missed my dad's 60th bday, NYD dinner with my family the week before (after spending NYE with his), and countless other events. I wasn't expecting him to spend a weekend sitting at a bar with my family (ahem), I was expecting his support as my husband at my grandpa's memorial service.

 

His mom had left earlier with the sister and nieces and we were stuck driving his dad home. Everyone but my FIL ate, so he was raging drunk and had already half pis$ed himself. DH says "I'll take you home" and his dad continues to whine from the backseat "noo, I want to sit on your porch and take a shot." and this went back and forth. (total lack of boundaries with his family) What do you think happened after already spending 9 hours with his fam? He ended up back at our house. On the ride, I was texting my BFF to meet for my dinner because I had no intention of spending my evening in that situation.

 

An hour later, my ring doorbell goes off and it's my FIL leaving. He was so loaded he straight up fell off our porch (one step) and couldn't get himself back up for 15+ minutes. I could tell by my DH response that he was also wasted. He yelled "get the f^c& up" continuously the entire time my FIL was down. I called my MIL and she acted like she was too drunk to come get him, and then kept wasting my time enjoying the drama of it all without actually assisting in any way. So I did not see the live view of the entire event, I could just see after hanging up that my husbands car was pulling out of the driveway. He wouldn't answer calls or texts the entire time during this all playing out. MIL calls me back, I tell her he is drunk driving to her house and not to let him leave. Do you think she ever even left her bed??? He finally answered my call and I told him not to drive home from his parents, to call an uber.

 

My DH has been pushing to have a baby and I told my MIL that I would never feel comfortable living it with him because these are the decisions he makes. There is blood on the concrete when I get home. I go into the bedroom and when he gets home he goes straight to the spare bedroom. At some point in the middle of the night I remember him trying to come into our bedroom and I said NO half asleep. He proceeds to do his usual routine which is stonewall me.

 

The next day I go to my parents house, tell them what had happened. Got home and found out that one of my friends had passed away, sobbed uncontrollably and I know he heard me. He continued to stonewall me. So on Monday I left to stay with my parents. Radio silence. No apology, no question as to where I was, if I was ok, sorry for my loss, etc etc. I know him well enough to know that he thought if he stonewalled me until his bday 3 days later, I would have to give into his manipulation. Only I didn't. Maybe it's immature, but I wanted him to experience what life without me would be like since he so casually disregards me in every way. His family certainly does nothing to celebrate--no cards, no gifts, no dinner, nothing.

 

Almost 2 full weeks went by. In the meantime, he's sharing posts on twitter about depression and suicide. I am in counseling now and she called that manipulation and him trying to control the situation. His best friend's wedding reception is coming up and he simply texts me 2 days before "Do you plan on coming home" I say "Do you even know why I left?" He says No. A blatant lie. But I tell him anyway, the drinking and driving, the lack of boundaries with his family, the stonewalling, the emotional withholding, etc.

 

After all of this time, it finally hit me that he is an alcoholic. And so is half of his damn family. After the wedding, and him not getting the response he wanted from me, he sent a series of horribly hateful and disgusting texts. And then shattered his brand new iphone. So he also has anger management issues on top of his drinking. He has broken things of mine in the past.

 

This was all in May. Fast forward it's been 2 months of back and forth BS. Reaching the decision to do marriage counseling, then him getting drunk and telling me wants a divorce, etc. Then me being the one to put the effort in again to communicate our plan.

 

I went to counseling alone last week. After his most recent tantrum, I texted him to let him know I would still be going to the session and all he said was ok. I receive a text from him at the end of the session with photos of street signs and "I showed up you didnt."

 

He is so incredibly immature. And his family dynamic is to manipulate and control. Yet there is still a dumb AF sliver in me that wishes he would actually wake up and change. I know this is not realistic. Next therapy session is Thursday.

[basil67]

Good for you in getting out of there. And good for you doing counselling. And I'm glad you recognise that he won't change. You're doing everything right.

 

Personally I wouldn't bother with marriage counselling with an idiot like him. He's the type to say what needs to be said and then change nothing.

[SparklingandBroken]

Good for you in getting out of there. And good for you doing counselling. And I'm glad you recognise that he won't change. You're doing everything right.

 

Personally I wouldn't bother with marriage counselling with an idiot like him. He's the type to say what needs to be said and then change nothing.

 

I do hope he shows up Thursday to hear what she has to say, whether he absorbs it or not. I have been painted as the villain in all of this and his parents have unfriended me and so has 1/3 sisters. He finally went to the dr and was put on Zoloft but I don't see that anything else has changed.

 

He is still incredibly influenced by his friends and family and not in a good way. The most recent drama was I asked him to clean the toilet (piss everywhere from him being drunk) and remove the mold from the shower he uses before I write him another check. He started to do the things I asked until his friend came over to drink and they thought it would be fun to change the wifi password instead (disabling the ring doorbell). Unfortunately for him, I didn't give into the manipulation and at this point IDGAF what I can or cannot see at the house. But when I asked him if he changed the password he blatantly lied. This friend is someone who I perceive to be someone who does not want to see DH doing better than him because then it will limit his access to him.

[mark clemson]

Hmmm. Trainwreck. Very very high probability you will be better off without this person (and I'm not the type to say that lightly). Sometimes the mistake is what helps you prepare and learn for the better future. Hope that's the case for you...

[Mr. Lucky]

He is so incredibly immature. And his family dynamic is to manipulate and control. Yet there is still a dumb AF sliver in me that wishes he would actually wake up and change. I know this is not realistic. Next therapy session is Thursday.

 

Can’t help but wonder what this all looks like from his side, what his post would be?

 

And I say this not in judgment of what you’ve written and done, all of which sounds incredibly trying. But there’s a huge disconnect between your respective worldviews, almost as if you never became a couple. Married partners say “we”, everything written is “mine” and “his”.

 

Not sure how long you’ve been together but things pretty clearly off the rails...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SparklingandBroken]

Can’t help but wonder what this all looks like from his side, what his post would be?

 

And I say this not in judgment of what you’ve written and done, all of which sounds incredibly trying. But there’s a huge disconnect between your respective worldviews, almost as if you never became a couple. Married partners say “we”, everything written is “mine” and “his”.

 

Not sure how long you’ve been together but things pretty clearly off the rails...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That is exactly one of the issues. I fully integrated into his life and he never integrated into mine.

[notbroken]

There are two sides to every story. "Fault" actually matters little. Your husband sounds like he's been very selfish and is likely an alcoholic. Honestly, I'm sure you have also fed into the dynamic, but it really doesn't matter other than to learn and hopefully not make the same mistake again.

 

Just seems very far gone for any sort of reconciliation. Even in your writing it is easy to sense the anger and lack of hope for the future. Tragically, sometimes it is not worth keeping things on life support if there is no hope of recovery. This seems like one of them.

 

Wallowing in it will just delay your recovery and prolong your pain. Stay in counseling. Figure out your part and forgive yourself. Divorce and move on the best you can. It would have to be a brighter future than your past.

[SparklingandBroken]

There are two sides to every story. "Fault" actually matters little. Your husband sounds like he's been very selfish and is likely an alcoholic. Honestly, I'm sure you have also fed into the dynamic, but it really doesn't matter other than to learn and hopefully not make the same mistake again.

 

Just seems very far gone for any sort of reconciliation. Even in your writing it is easy to sense the anger and lack of hope for the future. Tragically, sometimes it is not worth keeping things on life support if there is no hope of recovery. This seems like one of them.

 

Wallowing in it will just delay your recovery and prolong your pain. Stay in counseling. Figure out your part and forgive yourself. Divorce and move on the best you can. It would have to be a brighter future than your past.

 

I agree and I definitely do not claim to be perfect. I have come to realize that I have codependent tendencies and so I think therapy will help to avoid finding myself in another situation like this.

[Turning point]

Your husband is selfish, and in a very extreme way. (Typical of most alcoholic personalities, and common among some adult children of alcoholics.)

 

If you don't have children with this man, don't start trying. I think you've done the right thing by getting away from that toxic family. Let that portrait of your in-laws be your guide - this is your future. Your needs and your well being will forever take a back seat to the selfish whims of these people. Yes, all of your family gatherings and anything important to you will be ignored or sabotaged and on top of that they will gaslight you into self-blame.

 

Get out and stay out.

 

It doesn't matter what your contribution to this "marital dynamic" is. You can figure that out later. Your husbands callous disregard and stone-walling is enough reason to flee. They are HUGE red flags - and the alcohol literally sets those flags on fire.

 

You don't have to be codependent to land in a situation like this, but this situation will certainly force you into codependency if you stay.

Edited August 5, 2019 by Turning point

[Turning point]

Married partners say “we”, everything written is “mine” and “his”.

 

Because extremely selfish people polarize relationships. It's "their" neediness versus "your" boundaries.

 

The resulting language reflects "my" sensibilities ignored and crushed by "your" demands and 11th hour machinations.

 

OP - If you really pay attention, I suspect what you're husband and his family often use is a queer 3rd person singular form of the word "we" which translated means "you."

 

"We need to..." when put into actual practice turns out to be: "You'll do for us..."

[SparklingandBroken]

Your husband is selfish, and in a very extreme way. (Typical of most alcoholic personalities, and common among some adult children of alcoholics.)

 

If you don't have children with this man, don't start trying. I think you've done the right thing by getting away from that toxic family. Let that portrait of your in-laws be your guide - this is your future. Your needs and your well being will forever take a back seat to the selfish whims of these people. Yes, all of your family gatherings and anything important to you will be ignored or sabotaged and on top of that they will gaslight you into self-blame.

 

Get out and stay out.

 

It doesn't matter what your contribution to this "marital dynamic" is. You can figure that out later. Your husbands callous disregard and stone-walling is enough reason to flee. They are HUGE red flags - and the alcohol literally sets those flags on fire.

 

You don't have to be codependent to land in a situation like this, but this situation will certainly force you into codependency if you stay.

 

You really put things into perspective. I had long suspected, or got the vibe per se, that at least a few of his family members were doing these things on purpose. My BIL (married to his sister) is also one of his friends, and those 2 are the most toxic of the whole bunch IMO. Very manipulative and controlling, to the point that his sister would harass him endlessly if she knew we were going on a date (which is seldom). An absolute nightmare, and I do feel a bit brainwashed into thinking I 'm the crazy one for not accepting these things as reality.

 

After gaining some space, I can't think of a single person in my life that freely criticizes literally everything about me (I drive an american car, have small dogs, work in healthcare instead of a 9-5, wear makeup, etc) like his friends/family do. I think they are very threatened that I might whisk him away into a sense of normalcy. I don't know. It really is wild how some family dynamics play out.

[Turning point]

Some families operate more like the dramatized version of gypsies. "Family dynamic" in those instances is a wholly useless concept.

 

The level of enmeshment you describe is unhealthy. Separating from this until you can gain your own unencumbered perspective is a smart move.

 

Try to connect or reconnect with people who's family life you admire. Observing those dynamics will be easier and more enlightening. Trying to dissect dysfunction alone is not enough information from which to restore your values.