HiCrunchy Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 More of a rant..... I just need to vent. I've been on so many first dates, and so many men want to have sex the first day we meet. I am meeting these guys online and so many of them r surprised I won't go home with them the day of. Like no dude, I don't know you. I am not going to a place alone with you. I just met you. What if your crazy or rapist or murderer? Why can't you wait and get to know each other first? No...okay... I am so over this hookup culture... /end rant 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 I've been on so many first dates, and so many men want to have sex the first day we meet. So why aren't you making that clear to them before the first meeting?? I mean, sure, I guess some guys may ignore that or have a convenient lapse of hearing, but most will understand it fully and either not bother or comply to your requirements/expectations.. TFY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 So why aren't you making that clear to them before the first meeting?? Because, a woman shouldn’t have to communicate to a man who she does not know that she does not want to have sex on the first meeting (particularly if they “met” online). It should be common sense. It should be implied... I’m with you Crunchy. There is nothing wrong with sex on the first date, if both people are so inclined. I personally could never do it. I mean, you don’t know anything about this man - you don’t know if he is trustworthy, you don’t know if you are safe... It’s much better to be safe than sorry. Besides, that’s half the fun of dating... Why rush the process when you can let the sexual tension and excitement build naturally is beyond me... the anticipation is the best part. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 HiCrunchy, My experience, for what it's worth, was that guys usually made it clear that they wanted a ONS either on the 'phone or at the first meeting. The usual statement was "I like to get into a sexual relationship quickly". To which I would respond "Thank you for telling me that, now I know we aren't on the same page, I hope you find what you want". Then I would either hang up, or if we were in a pub/bar coffee shop just get up and walk out. That's why I always advise people to arrange very short first dates, if you like each other you can always make another one and if you don't you haven't wasted too much time. I'm not a fan of the hook-up culture as I believe it doesn't help people learn to relate to each other in a caring way. All you can do is refuse to buy into it and carry on saying 'No' 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 My experience, for what it's worth, was that guys usually made it clear that they wanted a ONS either on the 'phone or at the first meeting. The usual statement was "I like to get into a sexual relationship quickly". To which I would respond "Thank you for telling me that, now I know we aren't on the same page, I hope you find what you want". I completely agree. I used to laugh because these guys didn’t even have the social awareness to know that they should at least try to hide the fact that they were looking for sex. They tended to reveal themselves early, and I was always grateful for that. Best that they disqualify themselves early, before I invested too much time or was disappointed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 I completely agree. I used to laugh because these guys didn’t even have the social awareness to know that they should at least try to hide the fact that they were looking for sex. They tended to reveal themselves early, and I was always grateful for that. Best that they disqualify themselves early, before I invested too much time or was disappointed. Ok as someone who has looked for this in the past let me chime in here. The question is why do guys look for this? Its simple really, in a throw away swipe left swipe right culture as guy you pretty much know you are one of 100's of potential choices so why not try on date one considering you probably wont be getting date two anyway? Unfortunately perhaps if women didn't adopt the throw away approach to dating and actually bothered to give guys a chance then perhaps most guys wouldn't look for sex on date one. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 ZA, in a throw away swipe left swipe right culture as guy you pretty much know you are one of 100's of potential choices so why not try on date one considering you probably wont be getting date two anyway? I think this is a rather negative approach ^^ For many girls, a guy asking for sex on a first date is just being plain disrespectful and the guys disqualify themselves early on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 I've been on so many first dates, and so many men want to have sex the first day we meet.What percentage would you say tries for sex on the first date? I don't often try for sex on the first date unless I'm getting strong signals from the woman. If you're getting an unusually high percentage, I wonder if you're unintentionally giving signals. I do know that plenty of men will make the attempt regardless of lack of signals though. Link to post Share on other sites
LauraXX Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 Hm, not sure I agree. Of course guys have to accept when a woman doesn't want to have sex on a first date. And of course it wouldn't be acceptable at all to push for sex, talk the woman into it, make her feel bad for her decision or - most of all - just try to go through with it anyway. BUT - you were complaining about guys "wanting" sex on the first date and being surprised when it didn't happen after a good first date. And I think that's a whole different story. I know a lot of women who would be up for sex on a first date if the date went very well. I've done it twice (both of those dates ended in longer relationships btw). Some of my girlfriends do it frequently. Doesn't have to be everybody's cup of tea of course and if you want to date a guy for a while before jumping into the sack with him - that's great! Do what you're comfortable with. But I think especially today a lot of people don't think it's a big deal and you can't really blame somebody for wanting it or hoping for it. Or, if it really bothers you that much, you should probably make it very clear from the beginning. Its simple really, in a throw away swipe left swipe right culture as guy you pretty much know you are one of 100's of potential choices so why not try on date one considering you probably wont be getting date two anyway? From a woman's perspective, I don't think that is accurate at all. You must have realized by now that your dating situation is very unique ZA Dater. Your experiences are valid and I see where you're coming from. But I don't think you're in the situation to make general observations. From my personal experience (and I have a lot of girlfriends who are also actively dating, especially on dating apps like Tinder) it tends to be the other way around. A lot of guys use those apps for quick hook-ups. When they manage to get sex on the first date, there's never going to be a second date, because the next "fresh" hook-up is just around the corner. And my impression is that most women (even the ones who are up for some casual sex along the way) are still hoping to find a boyfriend in the long run. So they're more picky about who to swipe right on, like to chat a little longer before agreeing to go on a date and ... ta da.... won't be up for a second date if the first one didn't go all that well. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 Unfortunately that's what l hear in it all though , in forums anyway. Me l was never interested in hook up or whatever back when and nor in anyone that would go home with me the first time you met them, not in that way anyway. As someone said , l would stress the fact to them no sugar, before you even bother to meet. Could help. Link to post Share on other sites
Moves Like Jagger Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 More of a rant..... I just need to vent. I've been on so many first dates, and so many men want to have sex the first day we meet. I am meeting these guys online and so many of them r surprised I won't go home with them the day of. Like no dude, I don't know you. I am not going to a place alone with you. I just met you. What if your crazy or rapist or murderer? Why can't you wait and get to know each other first? No...okay... I am so over this hookup culture... /end rant They do it because it works. A lot of women are open to hooking up after a first date. Guys see that the good-looking, social guy that is into hookups never seem to have a problem with finding dates because women prefer guys to take the lead. On the other hand, you have a lot of relationship-minded, overly-serious, tuck in their shirt at a social event, introvert guys have trouble with dating because they are stuck in the friend zone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 Online dating brings people up against people they would shun in real life. Sleazy, gropy, creepy guys angling for sex would never be tolerated, but he can get on OLD, set up dates and then "persuade" someone to have sex with him. The safety issue is of great concern. OLD is a great place for would be rapists and murderers... The National Crime Agency(UK) has been monitoring violence connected to online dating and has detected the number of rapes being reported has risen sixfold in five years. The NCA's head of national investigative capabilities, Sean Sutton, told Sky News: "We know that only about 16% of all stranger rape cases and sexual assaults in general are reported to the police so we know that we are only dealing with the tip of the iceberg of the problem so that's why we're keeping a good eye on it. ...Over 70% of the stranger rape cases we see are from people going home with their date or taking their date back to their own accommodation on the first date... ...meeting in public is the most important message." Here 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 Because, a woman shouldn’t have to communicate to a man who she does not know that she does not want to have sex on the first meeting (particularly if they “met” online). It should be common sense. It should be implied... Well sure, in the ideal world that's usually how it works.. Should they also expect to ask the woman's father for permission to take her out as well? A guy friend of mine that did OLD, actually was surprised how many women were actually eager and willing for sex on the first meeting...Id imagine that now, even guys that wouldn't have expected to in the past, are conditioned for it, so you will get a lot of them that maybe think that's what a lot of women may be after or at the very least receptive to as well.. Unless people don't communicate much before meeting, there is nothing at all wrong with communicating what the ground rules are regarding early sex before the first meeting...I cant see any guy that would have a problem with it, and for a woman to just rely on old ideals , customs and expectations when dating when its pretty much the Wild West now.....well...."measure twice and cut once" as they say.... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 Because, a woman shouldn’t have to communicate to a man who she does not know that she does not want to have sex on the first meeting (particularly if they “met” online). It should be common sense. It should be implied... While this may be the way things should be -- as they were in yesteryear -- cultural norms have shifted to an expectation for early sex. So if that is not something that a woman wants I think she owes it to herself to speak up before wasting her time going on the 1st date. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 I have a hell of a time just even getting a date. I in my mind could never imagine having sex on the first date or even really thinking about getting laid from the first date. Most physical affection would be maybe a kiss or hug. Even then. I never push or ask for it. I really think that women within reason should give more men a chance. Not every single man is going to have that spark off the hop. Some men need more of a chance. Unless they are extremely pushy/dishevelled. Going out for Coffee/desert at an outing that would be at the most an hour in the early evening between 7-9pm or an afternoon on the weekend between 2-4. I think most women should give the guy a shot. I don't know any male friends that I know that would be pushing for sex and heavy physical affection on the first to 4 th date. I don't have sex with women unless they are basically my GF or close to it. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 (edited) While this may be the way things should be -- as they were in yesteryear -- cultural norms have shifted to an expectation for early sex. So if that is not something that a woman wants I think she owes it to herself to speak up before wasting her time going on the 1st date. I don’t disagree. I just think it’s a little sad that this has become the new “norm.” Nothing against having sex early. I just think, when you don’t take the time to actually get to know each other, it makes it more difficult to develop a “relationship.” It makes me so glad that I’m not dating... Edited July 31, 2019 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 More of a rant..... I just need to vent. I've been on so many first dates, and so many men want to have sex the first day we meet. I am meeting these guys online and so many of them r surprised I won't go home with them the day of. Like no dude, I don't know you. I am not going to a place alone with you. I just met you. What if your crazy or rapist or murderer? Why can't you wait and get to know each other first? No...okay... I am so over this hookup culture... /end rant It's so true! There are a lot like that, even in the over-60 set. Write them off. There are so many risks to bringing a stranger into your home (or into your body) not just rape and murder. People who want to assume those risks match best with other people who want to assume those risks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 This is what it looks like to me in the world of dating from a man's view. If the man makes the first move. Rarely is that woman gung-ho and delighted to be asked out by that man. If a woman makes a move on the man. Most men would be happy and it seems to form into a relationship better. All my male friends that are married or have current steady relationships. The women made the first moves. All my main ex's. They were the ones that got us together. So in blunt terms. A man trying to date the average woman, where he is the driving force getting together with a woman romantically is futile. The woman wanting the man to be her main partner will have more success. Why is this? Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 T Why is this? The simple answer is...… it's not....Its just your view and your experiences...Its a big world out there, man... TFY 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 I realize thats my views. I just have to go by who is around me. Once again. All my male friends that are really happy. The woman made the major moves and that's why they have their SO/Wives. The Men did nothing but be there and accept it when it happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 I hear what you're saying but I can't help but question you're vetting process. Although there are plenty of men running around with shady agendas, perhaps you need to take some accountability for the type of men you're choosing to engage with as well. Particularly if you're finding this to be more the norm rather than the exception. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HiCrunchy Posted July 31, 2019 Author Share Posted July 31, 2019 I even went on a date with a guy who said he didnt have sex and was waiting for marriage. ....still wanted me to come back to his place at the end of the first date to "do other stuff" Am I just missing something here? Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 I hear what you're saying but I can't help but question you're vetting process. Although there are plenty of men running around with shady agendas, perhaps you need to take some accountability for the type of men you're choosing to engage with as well. Particularly if you're finding this to be more the norm rather than the exception. I'm assuming she's talking about the very early phases while she is vetting. You haven't chosen anyone before you talk to them and she's not choosing the ones who are like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 Maybe you're giving off some kind of vibe that makes men think you're easy or open to casual / first date sex... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 31, 2019 Share Posted July 31, 2019 I'm assuming she's talking about the very early phases while she is vetting. You haven't chosen anyone before you talk to them and she's not choosing the ones who are like this. But her vetting process isn't working. She keeps ending up on dates with these men who, for whatever reason, expect sex on the first date. Something is off here. You can't have these many similar dates without taking a good look at what YOU'RE doing to attract these types of men. The common denominator in all of this is her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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