Hooking up is dangerous for women, why don't some men understand that?

[SumGuy]

I think the issue is women espouse that their sex drive is just like a man's. Men have soaked up the message that women want sex in the same way that he does hence pushing for sex asap. ...

In my experience women certainly do have a sexual drive / enjoy sex as much as men. What the guys who push don't realize is their drive is not a one of desperation/compulsion like the guys who push. Again, in my experience, if you are genuine and meet the psychological needs we have before agreeing to sex, then women will be coming on to you / enthusiastically respond. No pushing required.

There is also such a thing as lack luster or bad sex. It is certainly antidotal but women I've talked to invariably report the pushy guy is usually a pretty lack luster in the sack guy.

[hotpotato]

In my experience women certainly do have a sexual drive / enjoy sex as much as men. What the guys who push don't realize is their drive is not a one of desperation/compulsion like the guys who push. Again, in my experience, if you are genuine and meet the psychological needs we have before agreeing to sex, then women will be coming on to you / enthusiastically respond. No pushing required.

There is also such a thing as lack luster or bad sex. It is certainly antidotal but women I've talked to invariably report the pushy guy is usually a pretty lack luster in the sack guy.

 

You know women who are willing to have sex with a man just for being a man even if she doesn't like him and isn't attracted to him? I guess those token women do exist, but it's my rarer than for men.

 

I have seen online women go bananas for certain men, but that treatment is not standard issue.

[SumGuy]

You know women who are willing to have sex with a man just for being a man even if she doesn't like him and isn't attracted to him? I guess those token women do exist, but it's my rarer than for men.

No, not for being "just a man." Having a high sex drive doesn't mean you just sleep with anything that falls within your sexual preference. Sleeping with anything on two legs within your sexual preference is a sign of desperation or addiction in my view.

I'm talking about women in general being just as into liking and having sex as much as men, as often or more often than men in my age group. It's not that they will sleep with anyone.

I'm not saying they approach sex in the same way as desperate men.

 

I have seen online women go bananas for certain men, but that treatment is not standard issue.

Yes, the key is for certain men. I'm curious about how you see this. Is it through knowing the certain men as I thought you normally have no idea what others are doing in OLD.

[OatsAndHall]

But are there though?

You may be perfectly happy to wait, but you are not all men.

The women at the coal face of dating, are telling a different story.

 

Also I think there is a mismatch in perception.

Men are "waiting", "going slow", "taking it easy" by not expecting sex until date 3.

Women often think men are "pushing" for sex on date 3.

Date 3 can be too early.

 

 

I believe the third date is too soon to be sleeping together. With that being said, I do believe this conversation is subjective. I know there are perverts on the OLD scene that are skewing the demographic. But, I believe there's just as many men who are polite and willing to wait.

 

 

 

Also, a lot of this is perception and relative. If a guy is dating scene and is having sex with women after the first or second date continually, then (in their mind) having sex on the third date isn't pushing anything. There is also a certain level of communication that needs to happen in this regard.

 

 

 

I dated a woman for about a month and we started off hot n' heavy. There was a lot of sexual innuendo flying back and forth between our first date and that resulted in some heavy petting. On the second and third dates, things got more intense and there was oral sex involved. This was a bit quick for me but she was quite attractive and we were hitting it off.

 

 

 

She invited me over to her place for dinner and a movie on our fourth date. I had no expectations of sex but I brought a condom with me just in case. I was really into her and we'd had a heavily sexually charged relationship up to that point. We started fooling around as soon as the movie started but she got upset when my hand moved "south of the equator". I apologized and we backed way off for the rest of the movie.

 

 

 

I thought everything was kosher but she texted me the next day and said "I" needed to slow down. I agreed with her that throttling down would be a good thing but that I also stated that I was a bit perturbed by her use of the word "I". "I" didn't unzip my own pants twice and "I" didn't perform oral sex on myself.

[guest569]

A lot of guys want to have a first date at theirs or their "date's" home. As in, the first meet. This is so dangerous and makes me wonder if this is becoming the norm. They have no idea who they're inviting over or whose doorstep they're turning up on. Always meet in a public place.

 

So it's a quick after work date. Say no and move on. It's disappointing but I guess they are just up for it and figure they will give it a shot. Doesn't necessarily mean they don't want anything else.

[hotpotato]

No, not for being "just a man." Having a high sex drive doesn't mean you just sleep with anything that falls within your sexual preference. Sleeping with anything on two legs within your sexual preference is a sign of desperation or addiction in my view.

I'm talking about women in general being just as into liking and having sex as much as men, as often or more often than men in my age group. It's not that they will sleep with anyone.

I'm not saying they approach sex in the same way as desperate men.

 

Yes, the key is for certain men. I'm curious about how you see this. Is it through knowing the certain men as I thought you normally have no idea what others are doing in OLD.

 

Well, then women don't like sex the same way men do, generally speaking.

 

I understand i'm saying things in a crass way, but this is coming from the horse's mouth. It seems like men enjoy sex for its own sake. That's not saying a man can't or doesn't enjoy an emotional connection, it's just not necessary. Hell, I had a man personally tell me we should have sex just because he's a man and i'm a woman lol. Ive heard similar sentiments from men both in real life and on the internet.

 

I've had some frank sex conversations with women, and I've never heard of them speak of men in the way men speak of women.

 

Maybe older men in their 50s aren't like that because their hormone levels are dropping.

 

Anyway, I was trying to say that these men are treating her like she's another man, and it's very unromantic. It's lazy, and if a man who barely knows a woman wants sex, that means very, very little. The op's situation is probably why we used to have courtship rituals.

[SumGuy]

Well, then women don't like sex the same way men do, generally speaking. ....

 

Anyway, I was trying to say that these men are treating her like she's another man, and it's very unromantic. It's lazy, and if a man who barely knows a woman wants sex, that means very, very little. The op's situation is probably why we used to have courtship rituals.

 

I think we are agreeing and saying the same thing.

 

My experience (as a man) is that women enjoy and want sex as much as any man...they just have different criteria before getting to the act; which I think is another way to say they like it in a different way.

 

Also agree 100% to treat a woman like a piece of meat (which is a short way to put it) is lazy and sleazy. I'm not sure it is even a male thing, known plenty of gay men who don't like the just a piece of meat treatment.

 

...

Maybe older men in their 50s aren't like that because their hormone levels are dropping.....

 

I feel weird saying this, but just really don't like the implication if you are not some horn dog on the edge of toxic masculinity you have "hormone" issues. Far from it, in fact because of the opposite I control my appetite which is large (pun intended).

 

You can probably tell this bugs me from the following mini-rant

 

I can assure you that my love of connection, and desire not to just have it be a physical act has nothing to do with low hormone levels.

I could certainly perform (and probably better) with someone just physically attracted to (and have a few times), it's just that when there is the connection it is true mind blowing ecstasy. Also of those few women where it was just physical they were just not very good.

 

I guess if you can last only the average 6-15 min of intercourse then "physical attraction only" is the same as connection.

I last on average 45-60 min uninterrupted, and when time permits sex for me is a 2+ hour event. Yes practicality means we may have a 15-30 min "quicky" in the morning and save the main event for the evening.

 

Connection is important for me because I want a woman who can keep up, and when you are so into it, it is good to be very picky.

 

Most importantly, there is a mind blowing spiritual ecstatic place you reach when you are at that climax level non-stop for 30-45 min plus (both parties). The very concepts most use to describe orgasm just are not sufficient when you get to that level. It's just another world and have tired of people who can't get there telling me it doesn't exist, or discounting it as some "disorder," or that we must sleep with anyone.

 

From the few sex addicts I've talked to in my life -never slept with any- very different from what they experience...so it's not that; and if anything all the people i have known like this are very picky who they sleep with, but once you are in, lots of mind blowing sex. It is also nothing like the unemotional mechanical nature of porn in my limited experience of it. Frankly I think porn is the opposite, sucking all emotion out of it.

 

What I'm trying to say about the importance of connection to men is that some of us do want that and it is part of our selection process, and in my experience such men are not desperate as getting just sex is not all that hard. Why have just an appetizer when you could have a 5 course meal

[Twizzlestick]

A few mind chews.

 

I really do think it’s high risk for women. There’s enough horrid accounts to prove this. So totally agree OP.

 

As a guy, it’s also dangerous. For different reasons. I’d be paranoid about jumping in the sack with a stranger, or in fact putting my self in a position where this could be inferred after the fact. Enough lives have been ruined by a “he said/she said” scenario - for example - even walking someone new home. I’d need to get to know someone first before putting myself in that position. Ive one acquaintance who’s been on the very nasty end of fabricated accusations by persons who were neurotic/unstable/felt scorned. You really do not know someone when you meet off a dating app

 

So there be dragons - on both sides. It’s the sorry state of things. Take away lesson is this paranoia doesn’t need to continue, it’s only when you don’t know someone. Once you get to know someone you start building a picture up and then trust has to come into it at some point.

[Ellener]

I just decided I'm only meeting a stranger in a place picked by me, somewhere I know. It just feels safer, also it tells me something about the person if they are resistant.

[HiCrunchy]

This was supposed to be a vent thread for me.

I'll request mods lock it up please, it has gone off target thank you!