being jealous makes me sick

[Hopeless89]

God i absolutely hate it! my bf of 5 months and i get along great. he is amazing. he has done so much for our relationship including his friends getting mad at him for spending ALL his time with me, but he says im worth it. Anyways since he is so wonderful he has ALOT of friends, including girl friends (input the jealously now) i hate it. he says he wants to be with me and only me and no one else and if he did he wouldnt be with me, etc. he reassures my insecurities over and over about how much he wants to be with me and how none of these other girls measure up but i cant believe it. they threaten me. my bf has a page on myspace.com (worst website ever) and a few girls were leaving him these cute flirty messages and i saw he had written them back in the same way. so that totally put a damper on my trust and he admitted that it was unintentional and innocent and he didnt mean to hurt me and it would never happen again and it didnt. anyways so these 2 girls he was messaging with are his "friends" although he hasnt seen them since we started dating and swears he rarely talks to them on the phone and he only talks to them online once or twice a week. so i saw his buddy list and found her sn and put it on my buddy list and now i know when the one is on - the other one apparently has a bf she is OBSESSED with so im not worried about her - so i always know when the other is on and she's on right now and im talking to my bf and he told me he was talking to her and grrr i just want to kick her offline! i hate her and i dont even know her. i am so afriad she or anyone else is going to take him from me and i dont know why. every free waking moment he has he is with me. yet im still so worried and paranoid. why?!? i hate this.

[Sweet&Sensitive]

I know it's hard to believe that a guy and a girl can just be friends but they can be. Flirting can also be an unconscious and innocent thing. Has he given you any other reason not to trust him other than this myspace.com thing? If not then I suggest you just trust him and believe that he does want to be with you. If you continue to harbor this jealousy it will only make you feel worse and bitter about him and that is a surefire way to lose him. If he has given you reason to not trust him then I think you need to reevaluate your relationship with him and determine whether or not you can get past it and make it work. Relationships are based on trust and love, and without trust there can be no relationship. I hope this has helped you and I hope things work out for you. I can tell you really like this guy.

[Iluvsiamese]

check my post under "When is it no longer flirting?" and see if you understand what I am saying. If a light bulb pops on, then, yes, I figure you may have a real problem and not an imaginary one.

 

As for what to do, well, there's no easy answers. There are times when I think that the guys (or girls) don't see it, but then there are also times when I think that they play dumb and refuse to admit what is happening. You will be the best judge of this, though that may not be crystal clear either.

 

I am convinced that my guy is still in love with his ex-wife of nearly a decade ago. He will not admit this (except when drunk--just a little oops there, lol!) but he talks about her constantly, and uses a different tone of voice and different body language when he does. He has had other long-term relationships, both prior to and since her, but seldom mentions them. This is what sets the alarm off in me. However, it is difficult to know what to do with this information under the circumstances.

[Hopeless89]

well no he hasn't given me any other indication not to trust him - in fact he's completely upfront and honest with me about everything. he tells me when he talks to her online or when she calls. he'll tell me if she's online but not even talking to him just so i know what's going on. he is very open and that is helping me a huge deal. at first he did it cuz i always asked but now he does it without me asking cuz he knows it makes me feel good to know everything. we dont want to keep anything from each other, you know? and he doesnt see this girl or even talk to her on the phone its usually online only a few times a week - whatever. i talk to my ex online like once or twice a week too so that kinda made me realize how stupid i was being. i really do like this guy - i even sometimes want to believe that i love him but i havent been in love in 3 years so its a scary feeling. but last night we got to talking - he's so busy with school during the week that i dont see him til fri sat and sun's so i was complaining last night about missing him and he said to me "what we have going is worth waiting years for" and i almost started crying it was so amazing. he told me all this stuff about that girl and how she's immature and he never would have considered dating her seriously even if he never met me and now that he's with me he knows there is "no one better". so things are actually a lot better now and im beginning to feel happy again. thanks for all the advice.

[RecordProducer]

You need to train yourself not to be jealous when you don't have to be. This is one of those situations. I get a lot of compliments and advances from men. In person I NEVER flirt. Online I might respond in a sweeter way, but these guys are a few thousand miles away from me.

 

My BF always says "he just wants to get in your pants" , but he's never made a problem. We are in a LDR so the trust just has to be there. We both go dancing separately and although I was very jealous at the beginning of him dancing with other women, with time I realized it was just dancing and if he wanted to be with someone else, he wouldn't have wasted his time with me and if he wanted to cheat on me, he could easily tell me that he is going to sleep and actually sleep with someone.

 

So the point is: when our guys are near women, we instinctively feel that they are a threat for our relationship. I suppose the root of this fear lies in the far past where we were almost animals (for thousands of years) and where basically "available and near" meant "he'll have sex with her."

 

It's an animalistic survival instinct so learn to ignore it. By making jealous scenes you will just scare him off and seem clingy and emotionally dependent on him. On the contrary, show him that he is free and he will appreciate you more. The less you're jealous of him the more he is jealous of you.