Romantically Matchable

[Mysterio]

So there is a post on being Un-matacble. This is post of being matchable.

 

So I am putting myself on display to see if I am romantically matchable by my personality and lifestyle.

 

Thanks in advance for any feedback. I have done this before. I am doing it again. I really want out of the Dating world and into a loving relationship with a woman. I don't see myself single for life. Not do I want to be going thru the grind of dating anymore. I just feel like when I make that effort. The Universe puts up unworkable obstacles. If a Woman wanted me. I don't think she would have a battle to get me. Unless she has a bunch of kids. Wants to get Married right away or is Seperated and her ex is still in her system.

 

I am 5'9. I weigh 197 lbs. Shaved head and straight White teeth. I don't smoke or drink. I am in fit shape. I am a Black Male age 48, born in March 1971. I am soft-spoken. My dress attire on a Date is, jeans dress shoes and blazer and a collard shirt. Or Jeans Rock T-shirt and a leather jacket. I am a porter at the leading Trauma centre in my city.

 

When I am on a Date. I tend to be introspective and say what do you think about this or that. Or if this dynamic was changed, how would it impact you? I never talk about my previous dating life be it going well or not. I don't tend to vent about the super neagitive things in my life 80% of the time. The only real heavy part of my life is the lack of Love/Romantic affection that I don't currently have. Loveshack in venting sounding board as I take and give feedback.

 

My parents are together and I have a younger brother that is 46. I have great friends/family.

 

I work shift work. Days/Nights. I have it so that once a month I basically have Tus-Fri off due to the shift work. I live in a Condo and I have a cat. I am 20 minutes from work.

 

I have lots of friends. More Male than female. I am sociable. I bike ride and work out at the gym. I can talk about most topical conversations. I am not going to go on about Trump, nor am I going to talk about Game of Thrones fo 2 hours. I like to go to a lot of music venues. So local music acts and the big bands that come through my city I partake in. Watch Movies as well. I have cut down my TV watching as I don't like being locked into being home all the time.

 

I like having interesting conversations and laughs more than just going out dancing at a club and trash-talking.

 

I would say I am introspective and polite. I am a Buddhist Chanter. I believe in the afterlife.

 

At age 48. I think that I should not be having problems dating or even having a romantic relationship with a woman at all. I don't think I should be dating 10 women at a time. I am not looking to just get laid. In a nutshell, this is what I think will work best.

 

When it comes to conflict. I would say 90% of the time I am chill. 10 % hot head. If I said I was 100% chill all the time. I would be lying.

 

Interesting Conversations and laughs. Social and Recreational adventures. Physical affection. Respect/Support each other's dreams and desires inside and outside of out relationship with each other and be flexible.

 

I can see myself dating a woman that is Single/Widowed/Divorced/One Child. Separated-I would be wary of. Hung up on the Ex. Not for me. I would play second fiddle.

 

 

 

I am not so gung ho on having kids, but if its in the card. I would want us to be together for a bit and incorporate a child into our lifestyle. The only way I could see having a child is to be together for at least 2 yrs. Marry in yr 3 and have the child in yr 4. I don't want a child out of Wedlock

 

So stating all this. Am I Romantically Matachable? What are some of our Members vibe about themselves being Romantically Matchable?

[Michelle ma Belle]

On paper, you sound matchable.

 

Then again, I think we all can appear matchable when listing out on paper our best attributes.

 

However, when you're dealing with OLD, looks trump all. At least initially.

 

The thing about online dating is that even if you think you're the coolest cat in the club house, there is an even cooler one just around the corner. Capturing someone's attention is one thing but holding it is where the real challenge is.

 

When you speak of matchability, it's very subjective. Your inbox could be blowing up with prospects who think you are they're ideal match but you might not feel the same about them and vice versa.

 

And if you find someone online who checks off all your boxes, meeting in person and seeing how the chemistry is face to face could change everything.

 

Even an a**hole can be matchable...usually with another a**hole!

 

The only matchable person that matters is the one you match with on all levels. And that often takes time and patience and a lot of trial and error. You're not a match for everyone just as everyone is not a match for you. There are a million shades of gray that can make all the difference in the world in terms of compatibility.

[Mysterio]

So its all about looks? In terms of looks. I see myself as cute/handsome. Nothing more than that.

 

From my experience. When I look at women. It's like their Looks is a lot of the driving force to be with them. Over the personality. There is trial and error. I just don't think in my parents day, that Looks were the driving force as its now.

 

I don't think of myself looks wise getting the short end of the stick. I actually like my looks now more than ever. When I see pics of myself. I think I look the best and keep getting better as I grow older. Losing a lot of weight has helped me with my self-image. I rarely hear my women friends go on and on about looks towards their Husband/SO.

[d0nnivain]

You sound like a great guy: Handsome, stable, knows himself.

 

So what is your problem?

 

Where are you looking for love? Are you willing to look other places? Do you see any destructive commonalities among the women you have gone on dates with that didn't work out? What are you doing to overcome those repeated mistakes?

[Mysterio]

All the women I ask out are Women that I have known for a little bit. So its not Strangers. More like female Aquaintances from work or the gym. The way I see it seems like this.

 

If I don't care, they seem to like me more. If I make an effort towards them. They seem sort of on the fence.

 

In my head. If I ask out a woman and we go out for lunch or an outing. I don't see it as a big deal. It feels like when the women are asked out. They think the men want something heavy duty from them from the start.

 

It's not like Sex and romantic commitment is on the table. Most it would be is an outing and you get to talk about your lives that it. If there is romantic vibes. It will come out.

 

I went out with a woman from my Bhdihst chanting club to a Funk boat party. I was not thinking about her in a romantic context at all for the most part. About 20 minutes in. She said she had a huge crush on me. I was surprised and we made out and took it from there. Another woman at my work was an aquaintance and she let me know she was into me romantically. I was just mildly flirtatious. I was not thinking about it seriously.

 

It feels like when I don't care, is when it happens. If I make a conscious effort that's when it does not work out for me.

[Michelle ma Belle]

So its all about looks? In terms of looks. I see myself as cute/handsome. Nothing more than that.

 

From my experience. When I look at women. It's like their Looks is a lot of the driving force to be with them. Over the personality. There is trial and error. I just don't think in my parents day, that Looks were the driving force as its now.

 

I don't think of myself looks wise getting the short end of the stick. I actually like my looks now more than ever. When I see pics of myself. I think I look the best and keep getting better as I grow older. Losing a lot of weight has helped me with my self-image. I rarely hear my women friends go on and on about looks towards their Husband/SO.

 

When it comes to OLD, unfortunately, looks are important...again...initially. And what is attractive one may not be to another so it's still a shot in the dark at the best of times.

 

Our parents generation, looks may not have been a driving force because there was no such thing as the internet!

 

They dated in a time where your options were the people you came across in your real life. There wasn't an endless catalog of images at their finger tips to peruse at any given minute.

 

Plus, men and women in those days were dating for marriage. You settled down with the best option available to you. There was no serious multi-dating going on 30-50 years ago.

 

These days, we have 24/7 accessibility to anything, anyone, and anytime we want. That has a pretty significant and dramatic impact on how people date.

 

As for not hearing women go on and on about their SO looks, that's not how most women operate, particularly after they've captured their partners and been with them for a while.

 

If you had asked those same women about the first time they saw or met their SO, I'm pretty certain they would have had a lot to say about how physically attractive they were.

 

My point was simply that, OLD has changed how people date for better or worse. You could be an AMAZING human being with so much going for you and so much to offer and even be easy on the eyes but in the digital world, you're just another guy with a penis. Competition is fierce online, even for the best looking people. Looks get you in the door.

[PRW]

You sound fine. But you need to have the attitude that you are already fine and that what is really on your mind is if she meets your expectations. You need to be thinking "Is she what I want?",....not,..."How can I be what she wants. It is a different mindset that is important.

 

If you make it to being in a exclusive relationship then you would probably be fine. The problem is getting to that point. That is usually where most everyone has the problem. That is what I focus on in these forums the most and I don't usually deal with people in marriages or exclusive LTRs very often.

 

I really want out of the Dating world and into a loving relationship with a woman. I don't see myself single for life. Not do I want to be going thru the grind of dating anymore. I just feel like when I make that effort. The Universe puts up unworkable obstacles.

What you chase,...you chase away. If you approach it like a mission or an agenda the women sense it and it scares most of them away. The needy ones may accept it, but then their neediness ruins the relationship after a few weeks or a couple months. You have to develop a mindset that says you are dating for the enjoyment of their company and that you will just "see where it goes". But if the woman feels like you are going to wake up the morning after the date "pricing rings & naming babies" she is going to run for the hills.

 

It is not an exact science, but when both people involved have their head on straight, are well balanced, and a decent match for each other,...the desire for exclusivity generally happens around 7-8 weeks / 2 months. I always tell the guy to wait till the woman brings it up because it tends to take women longer than men. So by waiting for her to bring it up helps make sure you aren't jumping the gun.

[elaine567]

It feels like when I don't care, is when it happens. If I make a conscious effort that's when it does not work out for me.

 

That is because they are choosing you and you are just going with the flow.

If you make a choice, ie pitch for the woman YOU actually want, they say no and nothing happens.

Neither is a great scenario.

The trick is to find mutual attraction.

[elaine567]

Our parents generation, looks may not have been a driving force

 

I don't believe that, looks have always been important. Handsome guys always married beautiful women.

IRL, people tended to pair up like with like, so it became pretty apparent very soon where everybody stood in the dating pecking order, they thus dated accordingly and realistically.

Only in the movies does the ugly guy land the beautiful babe...

 

On OLD everyone gets access to the beautiful and desirable people, so expectations tend to get raised unrealistically.

 

"I am being matched with the wrong people...only the ugly and fat ones seem to want me..."

[chillii]

You sound fine to me and with some nice attitudes and views about relationships for once too which seems rare in forums these days, but eh forums are forums.

ln my world people still think about everything not just looks and jumping in the sack. ln forums all people seem to talk about is attractiveness as if 90% of the real life couples out there are all models but in reality it's vise verse as l always say , just look around in the real world at the millions of couple out there, more like 10% of them are attractive the rest are just human, same with date sites. Back when , only 10% if that , of women on mine were much to look at at all and still had nice bodies, talking later 40s, early 50s, the rest were nothing special what so ever and a far far cry from being able to demand some stunning man or be taking their pick out there. l don't care what attention they think they're getting it's just an allusion, turning that into reality out in the real world once they meet someone of the computer screen and any real relationship , is the reality, just read around LS.

l'd imagine the Buddhist side of things might not gel with a lot of women but l know nothing about Buddhism , do they normally stick with Buddhist partners or ?

 

ps, lt's pretty typical in a guy often not being interested in the woman that might show some outgoing interest in him. For me she was like that because l wasn't showing much in her in that way , because l wasn't interested.

Edited July 31, 2019 by chillii

[OpenBook]

If I don't care, they seem to like me more. If I make an effort towards them. They seem sort of on the fence.

 

…

 

It feels like when I don't care, is when it happens. If I make a conscious effort that's when it does not work out for me.

 

This tells me that there's nothing wrong with you, desirability-wise... and there is something in your approach when you're interested (when you care) that's driving them away. How do you act different when you care vs. when you don't? Are you more easygoing? Less likely to stare or zoom-in? Only you know the answer. You seem to be very analytical. Just an observation; no idea if that plays into it or not.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

My impression from your post is that you seem too laid back.

For me when I go out on a date, I have to feel that a guy is really into me before I reciprocate interest. It makes me feel more confident that he sees me as special and not like the others. If I sense that his interest is low then there is no point in continuing because I feel replaceable.

 

You don’t have to act desperate but some romantic gestures that suggests you see her as something more than the others goes a long way in encouraging interest.

 

It is a two way street but the man usually needs to lead in setting this tone.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

.

Only in the movies does the ugly guy land the beautiful babe...

 

On OLD everyone gets access to the beautiful and desirable people, so expectations tend to get raised unrealistically.

 

"I am being matched with the wrong people...only the ugly and fat ones seem to want me..."

 

Well ugly and rich sometimes works, too, depending on the type of girl.

 

Your quote made me lol! Another great post, Elaine.

 

I've also been matched with persons of criteria I specifically omitted (religion, lifestyle, etc).

 

OP, you sound like a good guy to me. What did you not like about the ladies who said they were into you?

[thefooloftheyear]

For men especially, its the intangibles that matter most...Its the main reason why you see plenty of guys that look "good on paper" or even may be conventionally good looking, yet struggle for any female attention...

 

 

TFY

[chillii]

Not that l was trying to say she wouldn't or shouldn't show interest , l absolutely loved that feeling when you'd just feel each other .

l more just meant for me, say coming on to me or chasing, if someone got to that point it'd be because l just wasn't interested but she didn't get it.

[Lotsgoingon]

You sound fine ... and you are specific about some of your qualities and your habits and way of life.

 

I'm going to offer a few things knowing that I don't know you. So just consider them. BTW: looks have been important since the arrival of modern humans. I have had lots of frank conversations with older guys and older women. They all admit that ... with a passion and with humor.

 

I'm wondering if you can bring your relationship goal more into focus. Right now, I get a vague sense (not a criticism, more a question and a prompt) that you are almost looking for a mediocre relationship, or pairing with someone who is OK. I'm not sure that works. I think you need to be animated about finding a fantastic partner but doing so requires you to be more specific about the qualities you are looking for.

 

What are you deep goals in life other than getting married? You need to be out front with those deep goals. That's the way a lot of people understand us. What do you REALLY want out of life--career wise? ... social wise? ... do you want to travel? ... what hobbies engage you? ... Sounds like fitness might be a passion. Put that out there. You really want to put your goals and dreams and your passions and interests in order for the other person to get a sense of who you are ... and for people who like what your passions to see them and come to you.

 

What are your non-negotiable qualities you want in someone? What kind of woman excites you. Example: I love really smart women who can tell great stories about their lives or their work. And by telling great stories, I don't mean someone who tells stories in a narcissistic way. I also love people who can laugh at themselves. I'm divorced, but some of the best memories I have with my ex are moments when she gave me some kind of subtle insight about life and people and women. What quality in a woman (besides looks) really excites you? Think about that. Whether you announce these qualities or just have them in your head (clearly!) ... your energy in dating will be affected.

 

And I hate to tell you that dating 10 people or 100 people might be necessary to find someone you are really into ... who is also into you ... But you can do this without wearing yourself out. The trick is to make dating into a process, an enjoyable process. You can go out with someone, get to know them, conclude they aren't for you (or you for them) ... and still see the experience as a good experience. There is no need (indeed in my view it's a mistake) to spend a lot money on a first date--or a lot of time.

 

You really want to shift from thinking that every date or possible encounter could be or should be a great success. You can actually use dating to get more clear about the type of person you want to date. You can also encounter women you don't want to date (and who don't wanna date you) who might be good friends ... who might turn you on to a social scene or a hobby or a passion ... or to a friend they think is right for you.

 

So what do you want in life? Get specific ... and in getting specific you will narrow the pool of people who are possibilities--and this narrowing is good. What are your unique gifts and strengths. Be aware of those and put those out there. If you are online dating, just make sure your photos are fantastic! Not just OK, but fantastic. Hire a professional if you need to.

[Mysterio]

Hi Lots.

 

I want a great relationship. I just want to temper my expectations and not put some woman in a position to fail. I think that we both get together and treat each other well in a romantic way. That does not mean sex every day and whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears. I also does not mean going thru the motions as well of being band toward each other as well.

 

In my head. I see a woman that is more the girl next door type. She is sweet and wants a lot of loving from me. She basically falls into my life. There is no major soap opera getting us together. She sees me and goes for it.

 

Looks-wise. I always see a woman more in the Sandra Bullock/Ann Hathaway style of looks. Maybe a nit low key. She will be younger than me. so late 30's/early 40's. Single and childless.

[mark clemson]

Keep in mind that if she's late 30's or so and childless it may well be that she never wants any or can't for some reason.

 

IMO it sounds like there is a lot there to like or at least be fine with. So, I'm focusing on the "maybe could be improved" areas out of many good ones. Specifically things that could make you more attractive.

 

 

I am 5'9. I weigh 197 lbs.

 

You could stand to lose a little weight. Consider trying to get to near the low end of the healthy BMI for your height. Every little thing helps/adds up when it comes to women, I think.

 

 

When I am on a Date. I tend to be introspective and say what do you think about this or that. Or if this dynamic was changed, how would it impact you? I never talk about my previous dating life be it going well or not.

 

I would say I am introspective and polite. I am a Buddhist Chanter. I believe in the afterlife.

 

There's nothing wrong with being thoughtful and intelligent. Keep in mind that women tend (not always) to be attracted to alpha males. Introspective/polite is probably not giving off that initial "vibe". I would say try to be/appear a bit more outgoing. Let your clothes, mannerisms, walk, and body language give the impression of being a safe, nice guy, alpha male. (It's pretty clear you're safe and a nice guy, but this is just to bring more attraction.) It's clear you're not a player, but I think you could actually stand to come across as a bit more playerish. Women often go for this in spite of themselves. Then once they see your gentler, more introspective side they will hopefully stick around because I'm guessing they will like that too.

 

You might also take a look at the thread on What Makes Women Attracted to Men? under Gender and Sexual Identity and look up some more tips there. People are visual creatures and initial attraction can make a big difference in how a date goes IMO.

 

My two cents. Hope it is helpful.

[Mysterio]

I am still losing weight. I am doing intermittent fasting. I was 225ish around April 2017. I am now bouncing between 197 to 201 lbs. I keep getting told by people every 7 weeks or so that I look leaner.

 

I do dress up. I just don't want to give off a fake persona. When I look at my male friends that have their wives/GF. None of them are really big players or ladies men. If anyone of us is more the outgoing/talkative type its more me than anyone.

 

In my head. I think I come off as more like Denzel in the first Equalizer, but a bit more personable. I don't know what it is. I just find the women around me to date, very difficult. I almost feel like I have to trick them into dating. They don't come off as sweet and personable. I think that I am way more lighter and open, than the woman around me. They have the looks. They just don't have that soft sweetness that I crave.

 

I am not going to the bar and macking chicks. I find that when I don't make that major effort. When it happens. Thats when one woman will come out after me. If I start to make a major effort. I feel like there is an obstacle in play. A woman that wants to be with me. There are no major obstacles. I don't have kids/Ex wife/GF as a blocker towards me. My parents and brother are decent people. So there is not going to be major family strife.

 

I don't know why I can't overide the desire to couple up. Its not like I want to jump from girl to girl. I don't really feel like most women are like that. They really don't want to bed 10 guys. I also can't imagine in my life where I would be torn between 10 women in a year. I could maybe say 2.

 

The woman I have in my head is single/childless or 1 child. She is really into being with me and exploring a LTR. I don't really have to work it with her. Its more her coming towards me, than me putting everything together between us. Looks wise. I always see more of a Sarah Jessica Parker/Ann Hathaway type looks wise. She is not a bar hopper. I feel like it would be more like this how we meet. There is a house party or function or she is with one of my co-workers and she meets me and her heart skips when we meet. She inquires about me and her and the friend, try to set me up with her. As opposed to me liking Becky at Starbucks and I ask Becky out and she is all delighted by it. If its one thing I see in my life. All Romantic relationships that are turbulent free from the start at least. Its the women into picking me for a Romantic relationship. Never me picking. My picks are terrible and I am not just thinking about just getting laid and thats it.

Edited August 19, 2019 by Mysterio

[chillii]

Yeah right , l don't know pounds only kg but if your a bit on the heavy side yep getting back into shape won't hurt that's for sure.

[basil67]

The thing which is always so obvious in your posts is how much you ruminate about this fantasy girl in your fantasy relationship. How old she'll be, what she'll look like, how long you'll date for, how many children, how she will slot into your life, how much sex you'll have and what this life will look like. I think you're so wrapped up in the fantasy that you've lost touch with the reality of making it work with a real woman. No matter who you find, she will not - she cannot - match your dreams. Mainly because those dreams are so rigid. You're setting yourself up for tremendous failure.

 

Look, I get it. Sometimes I want to make a dress, I have the idea for the perfect fabric. I search high and low and even look at buying it overseas, but I just can't find the perfect thing. In the end, I give up on the whole thing. But if I find the fabric first and then figure out how to work with it, I can end up with something which is great.

 

Find the girl, then build your dreams with her. Don't construct the dreams and waste time looking for this manifestation of your imagination.

[basil67]

Yeah right , l don't know pounds only kg but if your a bit on the heavy side yep getting back into shape won't hurt that's for sure.

 

Mysterio has gone from obese to just inside the overweight category. Job well done there! I agree that getting down to a healthy weight will make a huge difference to initial attraction from a woman.

[Mysterio]

My wants an desires for a Romantic Relationship is a frame work. I don't expect everything to be clockwork.

 

Lets go to my friend DT who I have talked about before. He got re-involved with his EX GF who dumped him in College. Looked him on Facebook and romantically wooed him back into a relationship with her. Even though she has two kids and her Ex Husband won't play ball and finalize the Divorce. Somehow she got DT to move in to her house. Pay the Mortgage or at least most of it. Have two bio kids with DT. One planned the other not as much. This is all because DT did not plan things out. As opposed to my buddy MK who met his wife at a social and every step of the way to marriage/kids was planned.

 

Which dynamic should I follow. DT who just lets things happen. Or MK who plans things out in reason. MK has no real hiccups and I am close to both MK and MK's wife JK. They tell me mostly everything. Including that they were having pslight problems conceiving.

 

Basil. What you are saying is not really wrong, but whats the best dynamic. Build when I meet the woman yes. At the same time. Be discerning and reasonable in what I get into.

 

More later....

[basil67]

Build when I meet the woman yes. At the same time. Be discerning and reasonable in what I get into.

.

 

Yes - this. Make sure she's a good person and a good fit. That's all.

 

But be flexible about timelines and goals and try to avoid focusing on what your life will be like together, because the only guarantee I can make is that nothing is ever the same as how we imagine. If you plan too much, you'll only ever be disappointed.

 

Also, what if that wonderful woman you meet isn't a planner but prefers to go with the flow? That's me and hubby - I plan, he figures it out as he goes. Yet it all comes together in the end.

[Mysterio]

Also, what if that wonderful woman you meet isn't a planner but prefers to go with the flow? That's me and hubby - I plan, he figures it out as he goes. Yet it all comes together in the end.

 

Do you actually say that to Mr.Basil. What does he have to say to all your planning. LOL.