Needing to find the courage to end it... getting close.

[SS2855]

August will mark 1 year of being with MM. Not sure if it’s the year in review or me finally coming to grips with reality but I am feeling ready to be done.I love the MM more than one could imagine but I’m breaking and dying a slow death inside from the roller coaster of emotions. I’ve traded in a life of being happy 80% of the time to being REALLY happy 3% of the time. The other 97% has been anxiety, sadness, low self worth and lack of presence in my entire life. It’s been living for his text messages and the next business trip away together or afternoon enjoying lunch and sipping wine. We’re both married- he’s relatively unhappy but no plans to leave and seems to have a very nice life. I’m miserable in my marriage and have asked my spouse for a divorce as of recent. I’m terrified to end the A as I’m essentially choosing to break my own heart, but I can’t imagine continuing this way. I think the nail in the coffin was a recent summer home purchase he made with his wife- to me it represented longevity and a retirement plan- nothing which includes me. I’ve never thought it did but seeing it in paper (yes I happened to be with him by happenstance when he actually signed the closing docs:sick:) cemented in the reality of what this really was.

Any words of encouragement to end it? Will I be relieved even with the devastation? I know it’s the right decision just scared is all.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Just Do it! Everything you need is already inside you.

 

And believe me when I say, Everyone here can imagine "love the MM more than one could imagine." We have all been there, got the t-shirt, t-shirt got torn, t-shirt looked ugly on us, t-shirt no longer fit, gave the t-shirt back!

[Naivewomen]

Hes not worthy of your love!! Find the strength and say goodbye. It WILL be extremely difficult but its necessary to close this chapter. He has a different agenda. You can do this!!

[LIRR88]

At least you’re seeing it for what it is and being honest with yourself rather than choosing to stay in this cycle of misery. Focus on yourself and your own healing, not just from leaving MM but from ending your marriage. It’s gonna be hard but it’s gets easier, one day at a time. The love of your life is out there, but you’ll never find him if you stay stuck on someone that’s unavailable. This time shall pass and the sun will rise again tomorrow, I wish you luck on your journey.

[karmaisabitotch]

I think the nail in the coffin was a recent summer home purchase he made with his wife- to me it represented longevity and a retirement plan- nothing which includes me. I’ve never thought it did but seeing it in paper (yes I happened to be with him by happenstance when he actually signed the closing docs:sick:) cemented in the reality of what this really was.

Any words of encouragement to end it? Will I be relieved even with the devastation? I know it’s the right decision just scared is all.

 

 

What else do you need dear? This is it! His action of purchasing a house with his wife is your motivation to move on and start taking care of yourself, don't look back one bit! Cry all you want, grieve all you can, and end it NOW.

[Swingen]

The important part of this post to me was your statement that you have asked your husband for a divorce. Affairs happen for many reasons, an unhappy marriage being the obvious one. Should you divorce, at some point in the future you can start fresh. You'll be single and able to find a new special someone who will also be single. No more affairs, no unhappy marriage, a brand new start.

 

There are people on this forum who've been having affairs for years. Ultimately they will never be truly happy. You will be.

 

Ending this affair is the first step, ending your marriage (if you so choose) is the next.

 

Good luck with your new life.

[SS2855]

The important part of this post to me was your statement that you have asked your husband for a divorce. Affairs happen for many reasons, an unhappy marriage being the obvious one. Should you divorce, at some point in the future you can start fresh. You'll be single and able to find a new special someone who will also be single. No more affairs, no unhappy marriage, a brand new start.

 

There are people on this forum who've been having affairs for years. Ultimately they will never be truly happy. You will be.

 

Ending this affair is the first step, ending your marriage (if you so choose) is the next.

 

Good luck with your new life.

 

Thank you. It’s interesting as much as I feel like I’m in love with MM, I recognize I’ve been unhappy in my M for years and even wondered before this what an A would be like. Had it not been him it would have likely been someone else because I was literally starved for any attention I could get. Appreciate your well wishes and feeling heartbroken yet optimistic for better things to come.

[SS2855]

What else do you need dear? This is it! His action of purchasing a house with his wife is your motivation to move on and start taking care of yourself, don't look back one bit! Cry all you want, grieve all you can, and end it NOW.

 

You’re right. That experience still stings because (and I can barely even type this) at the time he was doing the closing papers I happened to be there as we were both working in a hotel lobby and the title person was there and needed someone to sign as witness. I was the only one there he knew sitting a table a couple feet away as I wanted to give him privacy when lo and behold he asked if I would sign I remember literally scribbling a quick signature right under his W’s name as the witness like it was no big deal, cringing all the while inside. I had a flight to catch that afternoon so after we parted I jumped into a taxi and cried all the way to the airport and through the majority of the 4 hour flight home. That incident left me deflated and so achingly sad. Too much.

[Turning point]

If you want to be truly happy then stop blaming the married man. You have to get real with yourself and own your own sh**.

 

It's you that has been using the affair as a distraction from your own issues. You were already fantasizing about an affair well before this started. You were already unhappy in your own life. (Good on you to realize this in under a year.) You also knew from the start he never intended to leave his wife. The shot at him over buying a new home counts for zero IMHO. Put the focus back where it belongs.

 

You do indeed need to end this affair - not on moral grounds, rather to finally address the issues in your own life that you've been running away from. Stop pointing fingers at the married man which implies that if he would simply dump his wife you'd both live happily ever after. That's a lie. You both have only one toe in the water and that's not a relationship, it's a theatrical play.

 

Show's over. Please exit the theater.

[SS2855]

If you want to be truly happy then stop blaming the married man. You have to get real with yourself and own your own sh**.

 

It's you that has been using the affair as a distraction from your own issues. You were already fantasizing about an affair well before this started. You were already unhappy in your own life. (Good on you to realize this in under a year.) You also knew from the start he never intended to leave his wife. The shot at him over buying a new home counts for zero IMHO. Put the focus back where it belongs.

 

You do indeed need to end this affair - not on moral grounds, rather to finally address the issues in your own life that you've been running away from. Stop pointing fingers at the married man which implies that if he would simply dump his wife you'd both live happily ever after. That's a lie. You both have only one toe in the water and that's not a relationship, it's a theatrical play.

 

Show's over. Please exit the theater.

 

I appreciate the comment and know my intention wasn’t to point fingers at the MM for purchasing a home with his wife- it was the action of doing so that made ME realize I was living in a fantasy bubble in my own head. A jolt to reality. I am not blaming MM for anything- I’m blaming myself for falling in to a fantasy. I would even say that even if he did leave his wife I knew enough and researched enough to know it would likely never result in a happy R because it was founded on deceit.

[karmaisabitotch]

You’re right. That experience still stings because (and I can barely even type this) at the time he was doing the closing papers I happened to be there as we were both working in a hotel lobby and the title person was there and needed someone to sign as witness. I was the only one there he knew sitting a table a couple feet away as I wanted to give him privacy when lo and behold he asked if I would sign I remember literally scribbling a quick signature right under his W’s name as the witness like it was no big deal, cringing all the while inside. I had a flight to catch that afternoon so after we parted I jumped into a taxi and cried all the way to the airport and through the majority of the 4 hour flight home. That incident left me deflated and so achingly sad. Too much.

 

 

Oh dear, I know how you feel. It hurts like hell but it also is a wake up call for you to realize how his feeling is for you. That was why you broke in tears all the way home.

 

Did you know before hand that he would purchase the house with his wife? or you happened to know?

[Naivewomen]

@TP, I look forward to everyone of your replies and dont want too miss a single one.

 

Everyone on here that was in an affair or still is should really be focusing in on your posts. They are spot on!

 

Again, thank you.

Sorry for the T/J.

[Turning point]

I knew enough and researched enough to know it would likely never result in a happy R because it was founded on deceit.

 

The deceit in which it was conceived isn't the reason it would fail. Some affairs actually do work out. It's rare because both people have to be on the same page of reality. Your story isn't so unusual.

 

The reason this would fail is because this fantasy is your's alone. He has a separate fantasy that is all his own. If we could run each of these side by side as movies - neither film would resemble the other. This (if anything) is what his home purchase and your divorce exemplify. The affair fits very differently into each of your lives and intentions.

 

This is really the key to getting what you want - which is to act with intention. You did that when you initiated divorce so, in hindsight you will come to see this as an exit affair.

 

A self imposed state of discomfort which is impossible to maintain indefinitely - forces change.

Edited August 2, 2019 by Turning point

[Turning point]

@TP, I look forward to everyone of your replies and dont want too miss a single one.

 

Thanks, but be careful. I'm inclined to be direct and that may appear harsh at times. I'v never been in an affair. As a BS I spent over a decade pursuing every conceivable angle of infidelity hoping to keep my family intact.

 

What I learned is that infidelity is always a symptom - not the problem. It's not accurate to say someone survived infidelity. Ultimately, it is a problem that gets solved. We either see that or deny it and that determines how well we cope.

[SS2855]

Thanks, but be careful. I'm inclined to be direct and that may appear harsh at times. I'v never been in an affair. As a BS I spent over a decade pursuing every conceivable angle of infidelity hoping to keep my family intact.

 

What I learned is that infidelity is always a symptom - not the problem. It's not accurate to say someone survived infidelity. Ultimately, it is a problem that gets solved. We either see that or deny it and that determines how well we cope.

 

Your tough love is helpful as ppl like me need to hear it. I agree on the film analogy, though there was a time in the beginning where we’re both still high on the addiction and he had said things like he’d fantasize about me having his last name and about what our life would be like together. Again just a fantasy and even though he had never said he’d leave his W there has been so many things said that would make a vulnerable person like me get carried away with the “but what IF...”. I know.. no blame on him but I’ve been peppered with romance, song lyrics, I love yous for so long that I realize I tried to make it out to be more. Occasions where he’d be on vacation or even on a date and message me he wished it were me sitting with him there. No promises but enough crumbs to make me run away in my own mind.

[Turning point]

We all routinely deploy a certain amount of deception. We tell people what they want to hear, or we leave out unflattering information. All of this lies on a continuum from Social to Machiavellian.

 

In an affair we should expect people to move much further along that scale since getting someone to cross boundaries is still a challenge even when they are otherwise most vulnerable. Hence, the average person will wade into an affair rather than dive. It takes time for us to rationalize each step along the way but, once we do the level of contempt and hypocrisy we can use to fortify those rationalizations is truly daunting.

 

The underlying truth about ourselves and what we are doing is characterized by the secrecy. If we were truly justified and our rationalizations valid - we would be proud to display them publicly knowing they can well stand up to scrutiny.

Edited August 2, 2019 by Turning point

[Hope71]

SS?..

 

I’m going through a recent break up from an affair . My MM actually told his wife about me that he is in love with me and wanted to be with me he also moved out briefly and flew down to visit me last weekend . Guess what he broke up with me right when he got back and went back to his family . It is soul destroying.

 

You already have evidence that he is planning the rest of his life with his wife .

Please disengage from him now . It will hurt a lot at first but don’t let him be the one who dumps you. At least you still have some sort of control over how things go and you can see where things are heading that’s a huge advantage.Just be prepared to feel lost for a while and to wonder if you made the right choice or to be sucked back in. Even if he says he doesn’t want to and the affair just do it for your own benefit and tell him you don’t see a future after his recent purchase with his wife. Just be honest .

 

I feel wrecked right now and I really don’t want you to go through the same thing if you don’t have to .

[NomiMalone]

You’re right. That experience still stings because (and I can barely even type this) at the time he was doing the closing papers I happened to be there as we were both working in a hotel lobby and the title person was there and needed someone to sign as witness. I was the only one there he knew sitting a table a couple feet away as I wanted to give him privacy when lo and behold he asked if I would sign I remember literally scribbling a quick signature right under his W’s name as the witness like it was no big deal, cringing all the while inside. I had a flight to catch that afternoon so after we parted I jumped into a taxi and cried all the way to the airport and through the majority of the 4 hour flight home. That incident left me deflated and so achingly sad. Too much.

 

My heart goes out to you SS, that is just awful. That he had the nerve to ask you to sign goes to show how heartless he is - both towards you and his W. Imagine if W knew.

[Turning point]

I remember literally scribbling a quick signature right under his W’s name, (I) as the witness..

 

But it was a HUGE deal. Of course you cried, how could you not?

 

It's also one of those rare opportunities where you get to see the humiliating and tangible reality of the affair. In that respect it can be gift, despite the pain.

 

ANYONE in that lobby could have signed. At that moment the reality of being just ANYONE should have hit you like a ton of bricks.

 

That other signature line above your name... that's reserved for a SOMEBODY.

 

Going no contact is the process of becoming a SOMEBODY you can respect.

[SS2855]

But it was a HUGE deal. Of course you cried, how could you not?

 

It's also one of those rare opportunities where you get to see the humiliating and tangible reality of the affair. In that respect it can be gift, despite

 

You are correct. It was incredibly painful but almost a blessing that forced me to look at the reality of our situation.

Tonight MM and I both attended a client dinner- I hadn’t seen him since he just returned from vacation. We were with others so no alone time, but we talked on the phone during our respective drives home and I was very emotional as was he. I told him for the first time how I felt about the incident with the closing papers. Of course he responded that he realized what an ******* move that may have been and seemed sincerely sorry. It was just a raw discussion with him saying he continues to be in love with me and this is all equally painful to him. We hang up with me doing my weekly “wipe of the tears” before walking in the door - as I get home my spouse greets me with his plan to “change” and “we can make it work” and I literally burst in to tears and went up to bed.

As for MM I don’t think I’m ready for permanent NC but thinking about asking him tomorrow for NC just for a while so I can break from the roller coaster. I know I should be ready to call it. I know. For now I’d like to take the break and see how it feels to not have the pressure of expecting a message or waiting for him to plan our next “date”.

[elaine567]

It was an ****hole move which he never gave a second thought to, until you brought it up as being a problem for you.

He then makes it all "better" by lobbing the love word in your direction and cries some crocodile tears... Easy peasy.

 

You are a married woman cheating on her husband, your MM loves the attention...

BUT you are not gf/wife/partner material to him, you never will be.

He thus never even considered you, as he was happily signing away any future you thought you may have had and ironically asked you to witness it legally...

[Naivewomen]

Hi! You sound like you are in so much pain. Like your first post, focus on the Really happy feel its only 3%. Thate very low. You are emotionally unhealthy and unstable. Please shift the focus back to yourself. No one on this planet should be making you feel low, undervalued, unhappy and etc. Its time to get off the rollercoaster. I see you gaining strength and ready to make a move forward. I'm cheering you on!! You can and WILL get past this!!!

[BaileyB]

Your MM is full of it, I’m sorry to say.

 

It was a dick move to ask you to witness the purchase of a summer home with his wife. He knew it then, and he knows it now. He’s only sorry because he knows that this may be the straw that breaks the camels back - and he doesn’t want to lose his affair partner.

 

SS, taking a break is a good idea but the only thing that is going to help you to heal from this experience is to go no contact - permanently. The pain will get worse before it gets better, be prepared for that. That’s exactly why taking a break is unlikely to work - the pain will be bad, and you will go back... and, the cycle continues.

 

I’m sorry, but this is not living. I can’t imagine living with this kind of pain. And, as hard as it is to say - you created this situation, the only person who can end this pain is you.

 

Sending you strength today. You can do this. You MUST do this, because the alternative (to continue as you have been) is just WAY too hard.

Edited August 7, 2019 by BaileyB

[Swingen]

You are fighting on two fronts here... the end of an affair and the end of a marriage. Either of these events to any half decent person is an emotional roller coaster and pretty bruising. It's worse trying to do both at the same time.

 

Draw a fast hard line under the affair. He has a wife he's staying with, frankly you don't need the drama. Then work on ending your marriage, you need to be fully focussed on that. When you come out the other end you'll be single and without any OM drama.

 

To cope with both at the same time is really tough.

[Turning point]

"What happened? ..... I got slimed!"

- from Ghostbusters

 

Who ya gonna call? It's already over. Cry your eyes out. Mope and weep for as long as you want. Then get up, get dressed, and get a life.

 

Your husband is likely to do an about face when he finally internalizes the reality of where your head is at. It may be tomorrow, or it may be 2 years form now in the middle of a reconciliation attempt. You just can't treat someone like this and not ultimately lose them. Let him go with honesty.

 

You're MM is the worst kind of slime and it boggles the mind how you hang on every lame fable he recites. Honey, nothing says "parting gift" like a 30 year mortgage and using your kids as human shields.

 

The cosmic force that separates you: TD Bank. The evil villains: some children who haven't yet figured out what a shmuck their dad is.

 

"Important safety tip: Don't cross the streams."

[/Quote]

You've moved beyond having an affair. I'd like to say you're leading a double life but, you're not. Double lives are for ruthless sociopaths and you're crumpled up in a ball of tears. You are leading half a life. You chase ghosts instead of your own dreams. You get slime and call it affection.

 

You're drowning in 6 inches of water. Just stand the hell up.