Needing to find the courage to end it... getting close.

[SS2855]

Who ya gonna call? It's already over. Cry your eyes out. Mope and weep for as long as you want. Then get up, get dressed, and get a life.

 

Your husband is likely to do an about face when he finally internalizes the reality of where your head is at. It may be tomorrow, or it may be 2 years form now in the middle of a reconciliation attempt. You just can't treat someone like this and not ultimately lose them. Let him go with honesty.

 

You're MM is the worst kind of slime and it boggles the mind how you hang on every lame fable he recites. Honey, nothing says "parting gift" like a 30 year mortgage and using your kids as human shields.

 

The cosmic force that separates you: TD Bank. The evil villains: some children who haven't yet figured out what a shmuck their dad is.

 

 

You've moved beyond having an affair. I'd like to say you're leading a double life but, you're not. Double lives are for ruthless sociopaths and you're crumpled up in a ball of tears. You are leading half a life. You chase ghosts instead of your own dreams. You get slime and call it affection.

 

You're drowning in 6 inches of water. Just stand the hell up.

 

You’re right. it’s not a hardline NC just yet but I’ve pulled away some as has he. I’m certain it doesn’t sound believable but I genuinely feel that it hurts him he cannot give me what I want. From day 1 he has never said he’d leave or made empty promises so I can’t be angry or surprised this isn’t going anywhere. It’s difficult unfortunately because we also work and travel together and there was a solid friendship and mentorship in place before all of this. I don’t see him every day though- only for meetings. Today I saw him after a meeting and we parted ways where typically we’d have messaged about getting lunch or a glass of wine.- he’s reached out but very much in the friend zone even though he says nothing has changed. I think deep down he knows the relationship is hurting me. Or maybe he’s losing interest even though he professed to me his feelings just yesterday. It’s almost like I need to feel I’m control knowing he still is in love with me. Am I crazy for wanting that validation? I am holding strong by trying hard to shift focus to myself- it’s a weird space right now. I catch myself lately on the verge of tears every day... I feel like the only time I’m not thinking of him is oddly when we are in a meeting as I usually take full control with the client and perhaps that gives me this feeling of power I yearn for ironically to feel with him. It’s strange. All other times I feel lately like I’m walking around in a mild depression feeling the distance and craving a reach out when I felt maybe 3% happy and not what feels like 1% now? Truly have no idea what’s really happening right now.

[SS2855]

I’ve also wondered is it him or am I pining because I’m yearning for some semblance of attention I don’t feel I’ve ever really gotten from my husband? When we dated before marriage I would cry all the time because he never called and showed little interest. Post marriage was little affection too- his parents barely speak and always sleep separate whereas my example of marriage was 2 people literally in deep love and affection (50 years and counting not just married but what I see as truly love and adoration). I don’t blame my husband at all but I wonder did I settle for less than my needs and now 12 years later have I finally stopped suppressing?

[SS2855]

Your MM is full of it, I’m sorry to say.

 

It was a dick move to ask you to witness the purchase of a summer home with his wife. He knew it then, and he knows it now. He’s only sorry because he knows that this may be the straw that breaks the camels back - and he doesn’t want to lose his affair partner.

 

SS, taking a break is a good idea but the only thing that is going to help you to heal from this experience is to go no contact - permanently. The pain will get worse before it gets better, be prepared for that. That’s exactly why taking a break is unlikely to work - the pain will be bad, and you will go back... and, the cycle continues.

 

I’m sorry, but this is not living. I can’t imagine living with this kind of pain. And, as hard as it is to say - you created this situation, the only person who can end this pain is you.

 

Sending you strength today. You can do this. You MUST do this, because the alternative (to continue as you have been) is just WAY too hard.

 

Thank you! Truly heart heavy and trying hard to keep distance.

[BaileyB]

I genuinely feel that it hurts him he cannot give me what I want. I think deep down he knows the relationship is hurting me. Or maybe he’s losing interest even though he professed to me his feelings just yesterday.

 

I think you give this man far too much credit.

 

And, I think you are projecting your own thoughts and feelings onto him.

 

It’s almost like I need to feel I’m control knowing he still is in love with me.

 

What would happen if you had to admit to yourself that he didn’t love you? How would that feel? What would you do?

Edited August 9, 2019 by BaileyB

[SS2855]

I think you give this man far too much credit.

 

And, I think you are projecting your own thoughts and feelings onto him.

 

 

 

What would happen if you had to admit to yourself that he didn’t love you? How would that feel? What would you do?

 

@BaileyB I don’t know. It would hurt but it’s almost like I wish I knew for sure he did not and then it would help me to keep moving. Do you think a MM would truly speak those words and not mean it? Yes I sound gullible it’s just hard to think someone who has professed their heart and soul to me over the last year and has talked about this upcoming “1 year anniversary” would be lying? But I guess like me he’s already proven to be dishonest so it’s more so likely.

[mark clemson]

... it’s a weird space right now. I catch myself lately on the verge of tears every day... I feel like the only time I’m not thinking of him is oddly when we are in a meeting ... It’s strange. All other times I feel lately like I’m walking around in a mild depression feeling the distance and craving a reach out when I felt maybe 3% happy and not what feels like 1% now? Truly have no idea what’s really happening right now.

 

 

Hmm. This sounds like it might be the beginning of limerence. Look this up if you haven't already. Hopefully I'm wrong about this, as it will not make any of this any easier. If not the distress is, unfortunately, just ramping up. Or perhaps you're already in it, in which case at least you completed part of the duration (likely to be several months minimally).

Edited August 9, 2019 by mark clemson

[SS2855]

Hmm. This sounds like it might be the beginning of limerence. Look this up if you haven't already. Hopefully I'm wrong about this, as it will not make any of this any easier. If not the distress is, unfortunately, just ramping up. Or perhaps you're already in it, in which case at least you completed part of the duration (likely to be several months minimally).

 

I think I’ve been in limerence this entire time- likely feeling it moreso in recent weeks where to me as much as he’s denied it I feel the distance. He had a two week vacation where he snuck around to call me as much as he could (not my asking at all and I told him focus on time with his family). Came back and saw me 3 times before I went on vacation (just lunches but almost needed his fill before I left). Sent his usual sweet notes but then HE left again with his family and that’s when I noticed the distance. In response I kept mine as well but it’s bothered me, especially since this time back I haven’t felt this effort to see me (if they want to they will right?). Still will reach out with his sweet names s for me and professes nothing has changed but how could it not have? Is it possible to suddenly lose feelings overnight? I guess I feel like things changed suddenly and I wish I knew why. Is this what push pull is? Praying to God to give me the strength to not initiate contact. Before I was just tired of the emotions- now it’s the realization of lost interest which stings hard.

[SS2855]

SS?..

 

I’m going through a recent break up from an affair . My MM actually told his wife about me that he is in love with me and wanted to be with me he also moved out briefly and flew down to visit me last weekend . Guess what he broke up with me right when he got back and went back to his family . It is soul destroying.

 

You already have evidence that he is planning the rest of his life with his wife .

Please disengage from him now . It will hurt a lot at first but don’t let him be the one who dumps you. At least you still have some sort of control over how things go and you can see where things are heading that’s a huge advantage.Just be prepared to feel lost for a while and to wonder if you made the right choice or to be sucked back in. Even if he says he doesn’t want to and the affair just do it for your own benefit and tell him you don’t see a future after his recent purchase with his wife. Just be honest .

 

I feel wrecked right now and I really don’t want you to go through the same thing if you don’t have to .

 

I’m so very sorry @Hope71 for your heartache. It’s excruciating isn’t it? Any coping strategies that are working for you?

[NomiMalone]

I think I’ve been in limerence this entire time- likely feeling it moreso in recent weeks where to me as much as he’s denied it I feel the distance. He had a two week vacation where he snuck around to call me as much as he could (not my asking at all and I told him focus on time with his family). Came back and saw me 3 times before I went on vacation (just lunches but almost needed his fill before I left). Sent his usual sweet notes but then HE left again with his family and that’s when I noticed the distance. In response I kept mine as well but it’s bothered me, especially since this time back I haven’t felt this effort to see me (if they want to they will right?). Still will reach out with his sweet names s for me and professes nothing has changed but how could it not have? Is it possible to suddenly lose feelings overnight? I guess I feel like things changed suddenly and I wish I knew why. Is this what push pull is? Praying to God to give me the strength to not initiate contact. Before I was just tired of the emotions- now it’s the realization of lost interest which stings hard.

 

It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s losing interest. Could just mean he’s now more comfortable with texting less, or realised he could get away with throwing out less and less crumbs.

 

Affairs, like normal relationships, go through a limerance/honeymoon period of around a year or so where text exchanges are constant, and then tapers down once the “relationship” settles into the next, more comfortable phase.

 

Affairs are complete head f***s. Stay away!!!

[elaine567]

Your husband is a "cold fish".

He was not the man you wanted him to be.

You craved attention, love and affection hence the MM enters your life.

 

He has all the qualities you want. BUT he is married and whilst he is happy to dole out "love" and live in some sort of temporary fantasy world with you, he has his own life with his wife, family and friends.

 

He has kept the plates spinning for a year, but now he knows you are going nowhere, so he doesn't need to try so hard. You absorbed the blatant disrespect and still stuck around. Your "love" is in the bank.

He can afford to slow down your plate, it doesn't need constant attention, it will keep spinning on its own...

 

You though are missing the attention, you sense the distance, you don't like it one bit.

You now know you are on a hiding to nothing, but you still need that "high" from the affair as without it you are left with your "cold fish" of a husband...

Your MM will keep cutting down on the "frills", he will realise whatever he does you will accept, so why put his marriage at risk by pulling out all the stops for an OW who is not leaving him anyway...

He will also realise that the push/pull, makes for a satisfactory arrangement for him. He pushes you away, he gets a break and he has time to manage his other life, he pulls you back and you are "Oh so grateful..." win win for him.

[Swingen]

It comes back to the old nutshell of who has the power in the relationship. Who is chasing who.

 

We all put in as much effort as required to get what we want. Your MM doesn't need to do anymore now because he already has you.

 

So why put more effort in?

[BaileyB]

We all put in as much effort as required to get what we want. Your MM doesn't need to do anymore now because he already has you.

 

Exactly. He can focus on his family, putting in minimal effort to keep you on the line.

 

Read what you wrote again. This man is on vacation with his family, and he was sneaking around to call you... Is this really what you want for your life?

Edited August 9, 2019 by BaileyB

[karmaisabitotch]

It comes back to the old nutshell of who has the power in the relationship. Who is chasing who.

 

We all put in as much effort as required to get what we want. Your MM doesn't need to do anymore now because he already has you.

 

So why put more effort in?

 

 

you're so right!

 

 

He doesn't have to buy milk because he's already got free milk provided anytime he needs.

[Naivewomen]

You are confusing the word love. I did this too. What he loves about you is the way you make him feel. Its fleeting and he is able to separate it from his happy home life. He wants his happy home life and an affair. He has two women meeting his needs, what's not too love?? If you step aside and pull away he will just go back to being content again in one life. Most MM are not as deeply affected like a MW IS. We pull emotion from one man and give too another. They DO NOT do this. Please try and let it sink in. You are at the lowest point of the affair now. This is when I got out! I felt 1% happy and i found the strength from within to remove myself from the situation. It will never get better. It will only become worse. He can live without you and he can not live without his wife.

 

I know about all of the mental gymnastics involved and you will grow tired of it. His thoughts are not on a solution to this love triangle. His thoughts are about keeping things status quo. Dont allow it. Remove yourself before he feels pressure from you!

[mark clemson]

Is this what push pull is?

 

Yes, sounds like it is... Sad place to be, but at least your "thinking" brain knows the right direction to go. (Your emotional brain will catch up *eventually*.)

 

Lots of good advice on this thread, IMO. Glad you are absorbing it...

[SS2855]

You though are missing the attention, you sense the distance, you don't like it one bit.

You now know you are on a hiding to nothing, but you still need that "high" from the affair as without it you are left with your "cold fish" of a husband...

 

Exactly. Like a drug I need the hit to feel that temporary high- just a simple I miss you is an instant mood changer which is not healthy I know. I just wish I could understand why the distance which seems somewhat sudden yet still the I love you and I’m in love with you and your my favorite person. It was noticeable when he visited his new summer home just recently and said it was the relaxed he’s ever been. Maybe that allowed him to grow closer to his W and realize he’s playing with fire and needs to pull away- or maybe just guilt or got his needs met away from the stress of everyday life.. Just wish he would tell me so but according to him nothing has changed at ALL. That’s probably the most frustrating part of it all.

[Naivewomen]

Your frustrated because deep in your gut you know hes lying. Words mean nothing and you noticed his actions have changed (creating distance) who cares the reason. You shouldn't tolerate it. You will grow furious with it and then the pain intensifies. He is a cake eater. He will never confess to that!! He enjoys you hence the love bombing but he will make sure his world is safe and intact.

[SS2855]

Your frustrated because deep in your gut you know hes lying. Words mean nothing and you noticed his actions have changed (creating distance) who cares the reason. You shouldn't tolerate it. You will grow furious with it and then the pain intensifies. He is a cake eater. He will never confess to that!! He enjoys you hence the love bombing but he will make sure his world is safe and intact.

 

Your absolutely right. This weekend minimal contact though he did initiate last couple days, and I’m surprised I’m doing ok (for now)? Again we’re still technically in the A but for sure a slow down. Today a couple times I thought about reaching out (wouldn’t be out of the ordinary) but what helped me is to keep reminding myself that he has a life that does NOT include me... somehow when I say it to myself it helps. I do think I’m slowly accepting what is. I know the real pain will come when it’s officially over... but for now I’m constantly reminding myself that while he’s the only man I have eyes and heart for, our circumstances (though difficult as we’re both M w/ kids) would not keep us apart if a true and healthy love existed, if that makes sense. So when I find myself yearning for him I tell myself that he could very well be planning his next vacation, looking at new cars, starting a hobby.. all without my input because I’m not the W. That’s the reality jolt lately that’s made it just a tad easier to ruminate less. Now ask me tomorrow and I may have a different feeling but for now it’s helped last few days.

[Turning point]

... he’s the only man I have eyes and heart for...

 

If you were honest with yourself, you'd know he's simply one unremarkable man you've chosen to obsess over.

[InvisibleLady]

If you were honest with yourself, you'd know he's simply one unremarkable man you've chosen to obsess over.

Got lost in my thoughts today. This statement is invaluable! Holds so much truth for me.

Thanks TP!

[SS2855]

Got lost in my thoughts today. This statement is invaluable! Holds so much truth for me.

Thanks TP!

 

Agreed! Thanks TP. It’s that simple. I’ve assigned so much more worth to him than deserved. I’m hoping I’m on the course to this realization only intensifying. I know feelings don’t fade overnight and not that simple... but these key points pull me back to where I need to be.

[S2B]

He provides attention to you when it’s only convenient for him. And as long as it’s not risky for him to be found out.

 

So it’s an illusion hescreated based on untruths.

 

And he needs you to feed his ego! Then he’s not thinking at all of what YOU ultimately need/want! Seriously, he’s not!

 

It’s all about him!

 

Find an available man - you’ll get more out of a relationship that’s real.

[SS2855]

He provides attention to you when it’s only convenient for him. And as long as it’s not risky for him to be found out.

 

So it’s an illusion hescreated based on untruths.

 

And he needs you to feed his ego! Then he’s not thinking at all of what YOU ultimately need/want! Seriously, he’s not!

 

It’s all about him!

 

Find an available man - you’ll get more out of a relationship that’s real.

 

You are right. I keep thinking I’ll find easy ways to let go and I can’t seem to find them. Sorry feeling vulnerable tonight where I wish I could run away and not look back. We’re both in the same town tonight for a meeting but different hotels due to travel logistics. It’s probably a good thing but makes it difficult. I’ve pulled away mostly as a result of him pulling away. I so badly want to end the pain and confusion by breaking it off with him. Just so tired of the constant tears? Ugh. I want to scream to him that his aloofness is like a blow to the gut after so much intimacy we’ve shared- places, travel, music, etc. I hate that I want all these answers of why like a light switch the distance is there. I’m truly just at a loss and while I knew what I was getting in to it hurts so much more than I thought. Perhaps better day tomorrow- I know what I have to do to start to fully heal and leaving the door partially adjar is not it.

[notmyfinestmoment]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I am in the same spot as you right now...trying to let go. Like you, it was almost a year and I knew I couldn't do it anymore either. It is much harder than I ever could have imagined. Someone once said on here that the only way past it is to go through it and that is what I am doing, one painful day at a time. I cry every day and my friends have been so gracious, reminding me that it had to happen, that it couldn't keep going the way it was, that he would need to grow up and make a decision, and that I deserve so much better than what he could give.

 

 

 

Hang in there....it has to get better at some point, just not as quickly as we would like. There is not easy button to get over the intense feelings. I am at 2 weeks of no contact and it hasn't gotten easier. I hate wishing time away, but I am hoping in a month or two, things will have improved.

[SS2855]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I am in the same spot as you right now...trying to let go. Like you, it was almost a year and I knew I couldn't do it anymore either. It is much harder than I ever could have imagined. Someone once said on here that the only way past it is to go through it and that is what I am doing, one painful day at a time. I cry every day and my friends have been so gracious, reminding me that it had to happen, that it couldn't keep going the way it was, that he would need to grow up and make a decision, and that I deserve so much better than what he could give.

 

 

 

Hang in there....it has to get better at some point, just not as quickly as we would like. There is not easy button to get over the intense feelings. I am at 2 weeks of no contact and it hasn't gotten easier. I hate wishing time away, but I am hoping in a month or two, things will have improved.

 

Dazey72 I keep trying to respond here but don’t see my reply posted? Wanted to see how you are. Sending as test.