WB6989 Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 SS2855 how are things now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SS2855 Posted August 21, 2019 Author Share Posted August 21, 2019 SS2855 how are things now? I’m doing ok- it comes and goes in waves. We’ve been LC lately and I have moments of longing mixed with moments of “ok I can do this I don’t need him etc.” My therapist told me today he is drip-feeding me. He doesn’t have to put any effort in because he knows I’m going nowhere. It’s difficult because we do travel for work- with the lack of any attention at home I’m like a baby that uses him as a pacifier and can’t seem to say no. I badly want to be the one that ends it and trying to get there. My sister says it’s like I keep going on a roller coaster ride knowing it’s making me sick and then complain when I get off the ride and feel sick, yet I buy another ticket to hop right back on. I’m a cycle- we get together, moments of intense intimacy, then severe sadness and tears, then hallowness until the next time. Tomorrow marks 1 year we’ve been in this. I can’t believe I’ve been living in this state of anxiety a full year. Link to post Share on other sites
notmyfinestmoment Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 SS2855, It isn't easy to end it. Someone posted on another thread that when the times of sadness start heavily outweighing the times of happiness, that is when you will want to call it a day. Only you will know when that times comes. The good news is I think you are getting there! Those waves of emotion are completely normal (at least that is what I am telling myself). It is hard working together and I don't know if you will ever get the distance you need as long as that is the case. I am pretty sure if my MM and I were still working together, we wouldn't have been able to make the break. I'm not going to lie, being at work without him has been miserable and he left over 3 months ago....I still hate being in the office (mostly I get to work from home) because so many memories are attached to him. Last week, the boss's were in and a bunch of us went for happy hour, which was a mistake because it had been a place he and I used to go to. The conversation turned to him at some point (work related). I got to the train and broke down in tears. It was extremely difficult. You are going to go through a lot of tears when you do decide to break away. But I have to hope for you, me, and every other person struggling with this, that it will lead us to a place of peace. Mad is an emotion that works for some to get past this, but I find that when I am peaceful, when I think about not wanting his family to suffer, everything feels better. Forgiveness is a pretty powerful thing. I choose that instead of being bitter. The pain is still immense right now, but I hope that when I come at it from this school of thinking, it will get me through it. Please keep posting....while some people can be harsh, there are plenty of people that have been in your shoes that can provide support! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SS2855 Posted August 21, 2019 Author Share Posted August 21, 2019 (edited) SS2855, It isn't easy to end it. Someone posted on another thread that when the times of sadness start heavily outweighing the times of happiness, that is when you will want to call it a day. Only you will know when that times comes. The good news is I think you are getting there! Thank you and I’m so sorry it’s been so rough. I completely feel you on the pain of familiar places that bring you back- that must have been so so hard at happy hour. So much of those intense times were wrapped up in the A that places, smells, songs, etc all cattier those reminders of him... Though we haven’t parted ways I feel like I’m also in some mourning of just what I felt it used to be. It was the month of July and being apart that long has left this wedge. More so with me being more vocal about how painful this is. I mentioned on another post but the morning of our trip last week he called and said he was indeed putting space because he saw how badly I was hurting- he was hurting too but knows he can’t change his situation. I miss so badly the normal “non-normal” if that makes sense- the romanticism and constant messages and planned dates and lunches. I wish we didn’t have the travel so I could see if he’d make the effort to see me outside of that anymore- it’s tough because since he’s been back we have had travel. He’s pulled back because I’ve shared so much of how this is killing me- haven’t been able to hide it as well as I used to. I think he loves me in my heart but knows he’s unable to give me more- so o guess I miss my old life before the A, and now life when the A was at its highest intensity. You have a great drive for peace as you’ve said you feel it when u realize you do not want to cause the destruction of his family. My moment of maybe not peace but of holding back is when I think about things he may be planning right now- his next trip, business venture or hobby- I wouldn’t know any of it because I’m not his wife. When I say that to myself it stops me from getting carried away. Big big hugs.. we will get there. Edited August 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 Why not begin a new cycle? New behaviors (by you) bring a different result. When he reaches out there’s not one reason you need to answer - it ONLY feeds HIS ego. And when you travel for work make your stay (hotel) arrangements different. Don’t tell him where you’re staying and don’t answer ANY questions he asks. If he pressures you allow him to understand clearly if he doesn’t stop - you will take info and evidence directly to his wife. That ought to scare him enough to give you room to find an available man. Link to post Share on other sites
Hrgirl915 Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 I think the nail in the coffin was a recent summer home purchase he made with his wife- to me it represented longevity and a retirement plan- nothing which includes me. I’ve never thought it did but seeing it in paper (yes I happened to be with him by happenstance when he actually signed the closing docs:sick:) cemented in the reality of what this really was. Any words of encouragement to end it? Will I be relieved even with the devastation? I know it’s the right decision just scared is all. Wow! Our stories sound sooooo similar!!!! When I found out about my MM building a vacation home, the devastation nearly killed me. He hid that from me for months. It wasn’t something they just did. They built it, from the ground up and actually closed on their 24th wedding anniversary. God, I was such a fool!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts