Ghosting, why?

[mortensorchid]

I have been struggling with this fact for a while now, I'm sure others know what I am talking about. The matter of ghosting others. Whether you are OLDing or otherwise, it seems people are all about it now.

 

Say you are on an OLD, you meet the person and it's ... Not good. You part ways and know you will never hear from this person again. Or maybe it goes very well (you think) and you still never hear from that person again. This can also apply to friendship and business relationships to a certain degree. Recently I was ghosted by the staff at a former job, one I was sort of interested in continuing the relationship but he was not. He stopped responding to my texts whether they were work related or personal. I simply ended things by texting him "I take it by your silence you are not interested in continuing the relationship. That's how it rolls. Best wishes, godspeed." No response.

 

A few years ago I went to an all school reunion of my junior high school. I had no idea who would or would not be there, but there was a gal from my class and her brother who was a year older than us as well who also attended and showed. We sat and talked of course, she said she still talks to two gals that she was tight with once or twice a year. We're in our forties now so it's understandable that you were not as tight with someone you went to 8th grade with. But I said that the greatest lesson I learned from these years was a very bitter one, and she agreed, that it was that of apathy. Ghosting is not something that's new by any means (we just didn't have the word for it at that time 30 years ago). When she or someone else would try to have a reunion for our class, not only do people not come, they didn't even bother to respond to the invite. Why did we show up to this reunion? Because we care. Why do we care? I have no idea what did or didn't happen in her childhood, but it was just in our nature to care about things this way.

 

I realize this applies to a lot of things now with ghosting: I think people just don't have the courtesy to respond to you either way. It's not something new by any means, it just is. Any thoughts on this?

[alphamale]

Any thoughts on this?

 

no, not really...

[amaysngrace]

Ghosting is just another word for blowing someone or something off.

[Mr. Lucky]

I realize this applies to a lot of things now with ghosting: I think people just don't have the courtesy to respond to you either way. It's not something new by any means, it just is. Any thoughts on this?

 

Since someone’s silence sends a pretty obvious message, I don’t see the value of any closure derived from some communication at the end.

 

Your former staff member made his intentions clear through a lack of effort or action - how does a final “good bye” help you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[LauraXX]

I think ghosting somebody you went on a date (or several dates) with is just rude. I'd never do it and it - fortunately - only happened to me once. Went on three dates with a guy, really liked him, had sex with him on date 3 and never heard from him again. So weird... and he lives literally right around the corner. We'll definitely run into each other at one point and that's going to be so awkward. I just don't get it.

 

 

 

But I think your reunion situation is a bit different and - for me - that has nothing to do with ghosting. I believe that people who ghost are just cowards afraid of confrontation. But I think people who don't reply to an invitation to a larger event are just not interested in going and don't think that anybody would take it personal if they didn't reply.

 

 

 

I was added to a Facebook group a few months ago. Somebody from an old job I did when I went to uni wanted to organize something like a team reunion. I have NO interest in attending that thing. Wasn't that close to most of those people and I'm still in touch with the ones I did like. So I didn't even participate in the "find a date" doodle thing. And yesterday the person who created that group postet a very bitter statement about people not giving a sh** and how disappointed he is etc. Well, sorry... but I never expressed any interest in this meeting so for me that has nothing to do with ghosting or letting anybody down.

[mark clemson]

Worth a read on this topic:

 

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/22/smarter-living/why-people-ghost-and-how-to-get-over-it.html

[Arieswoman]

'Ghosting' is the epitome of bad manners and shows a lack of emotional maturity.

 

 

It's never happened to me - although I've had guys say, after a first date "I'll call you" and they never did, but that isn't the same thing.

 

 

We can't control anyone else's behaviour only our own.

 

 

Someone disappearing on you doesn't reflect your worth, just their fear of being 'seen'.

 

 

People who disappear / ‘ghost’ learn nothing because they edit and erase themselves out of relationships so that they don’t have to confront anything.

What a ghoster fails to acknowledge is that they are motivated to cut and run because they don’t want to hurt their own feelings. They end up throwing their partner under a proverbial bus all so that they can box away their feelings and draw a line under things, on their terms.

 

If someone 'ghosts' on you, realise that they just did you a huge favour.

[mortensorchid]

Yes someone who ghosts is rude and just blows others off. It has nothing to do with me or others it happens to, but it goes for all people. I guess it's just something we have to accept about others.

[alphamale]

'Ghosting' is the epitome of bad manners and shows a lack of emotional maturity.

 

actually I think that 'ghosting' is the best way to break up with someone if you are the ghoster. its a clean break, cold turkey, no mess, sort of like ripping off the bandage in one quite stroke.

 

if you are the ghostee at least you won't be strung along...

[Timshel]

Yes someone who ghosts is rude and just blows others off..

 

 

Ok. Then when a person does not ghost and says bluntly that they are not interested, that will be respected and the ghostee will not spend an indefinite amount of time self pitying or bitter...right?

[The Outlaw]

Reasoning aside, anyone that ghosts you has done you not just a small favor, but a tremendous one. Their actions define them. I've been on the receiving end of it and I'll admit, I've never felt better because she just wasn't worth it. EVER.

[johan]

actually I think that 'ghosting' is the best way to break up with someone if you are the ghoster. its a clean break, cold turkey, no mess, sort of like ripping off the bandage in one quite stroke.

 

if you are the ghostee at least you won't be strung along...

 

Having done it, I guess the reason was knowing I had no explanation to offer that would make it better or easier. Thinking I would only fan the flames if I were to get into a long “it isn’t you, it’s me” talk, maybe a better alternative would be to call up and say “I’m done” and hang up. But I’m not sure whether that’s better than just going silent, saving myself the difficulty of trying to explain the unexplainable, and just letting them figure it out.

 

I don’t know whether “giving someone closure” is really possible. Particularly for some who don’t seem able to pick up on the obvious signals that it isn’t working. It seems unfair that should be forced to be cruelly blunt when I feel I’ve been delivering the message for some time already, and it’s been ignored.