Am I crazy or is this really the way things are.

[NO LIMITS]

Hello everyone, I will do my best to explain my current situation and hopefully get some feedback.

 

My wife and I have been married for 25 years now and we have 3 wonderful children together. We both grew up in completely different environments. Hers was somewhat stable and her parents have always been together. Her father had a drinking problem. For me, my parents divorced when I was 6 years old and I ended up living with my mother in a completely different part of the country. My mother eventually remarried and as a child I was abused a great deal.

 

I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and have been struggling with it for so many years now. I know that this illness has weighed heavily on my marriage. As a result of the illness, i have had many negative coping mechanisms. These are things like, substance abuse, sexual promiscuity, online gaming, compulsive shopping. I am not going to lie and sugarcoat it to say I have been a perfect husband. I have done many many things wrong and it really is not fair what my wife has had to put up with from me over all of these years. Now as a result of of all that I have done, in turn this has resulted in a lot of negative behavior as well, a lot of her negative behavior was payback. We have both lied to each other so much and hurt each other so much over all of these years that I am completely amazed that we are still together. After many years of negative coping for my PTSD, I finally realized that I was not going to make it without professional help. I contact an emergency hotline and it started from there. Since that phone call, I have been in a 10 week in-patient treatment program, have attended several illness related retreats and I have drastically changed for the better. I realize that this does not change what has happened in the past.

 

So lets go forward to today. Over the past couple of years, my wife has become increasingly anxious and needy towards me. I am more or less not allowed to do anything without her. I have lost most of my friends because of this and it is not getting any better. We have take Marriage Counselling so many times but now we are in counselling with admitting that i have an illness and doing our best to deal with our marriage problems and what this illness brings. My wife is extremely judgmental and she gives me a lot of criticism in so many things I do. She tells me when I put a knife in the sink wrong, if I leave a light on, if I forget to do something. As a part of my illness, I have memory problems and I forget a lot, complete conversations actually. The things I do now, are not malicious, nor do I want to cause any harm to anyone. If I forget to put a cup in the dishwasher, it is because I forgot, not because I am trying to piss her off. To me, she is holding on to so much bitterness and pain that I don't think she can get over it. Although she says she wants us to work, I feel that she is pushing me away more and more each day. I feel like a child to her, and she is a mother to me. She corrects my language, how I drive, where I park the car, where I put the keys, how I do the dishes. Just about anything, she tells me either what or how I should have done it or she simple asks me why did it do that. It is to the point that when I am home alone with the kids, everything is great but as soon as she pulls into the driveway, I tense up and wonder what I did wrong today.

 

As a result of all of this, we bicker and argue a lot, we have learned some very wonderful communication techniques to make sure that we don't use any of the 4 horsemen when communicating. Often though, our communications are one sided. My biggest line to my wife is "There are 2 people in this relationship" I say that because there is no balance, it is either her way or it is wrong. A small example of this would be say I left some mail on the kitchen counter (it is not supposed to go there) she will get upset with me because I left it there. Then she will turn around and do the exact same thing herself. If I ask her why she did it and thinks it's ok for her to do it and not me. She simple says that I am either full of **** or she makes up some story of why it is acceptable.

 

We have collectively lost pretty much all of our friends, and these friends have spoken to me and tell me that she is too controlling and they want no part of it. My children tell me that she scares them because of how upset or demanding she is of them. When the kids have a question or need something , they usually come to me because they know it will go nowhere if they ask their mother.

 

I realize that I have jumped around and please also know that there is so much more to this story. Bottom line is that I do love my wife and she does love me, this I do not question but when is enough enough? We have invested so much time into our relationship and we are not getting any younger. I just want to be happy, to be loved and accepted without someone being upset with me or disappointment with me so often (this is pretty much a daily occurrence) She has even forbid me to go to group therapy. That in itself is another story.

 

I am so tired, so exhausted and I simply want to be happy. I fear that all of this daily stress is going to seriously shorten my life and we only have one of those.

 

I am open to any suggestions, feedback or questions. I am looking for non-biased opinions and thoughts.

 

Thank you.

[chillii]

l'm sorry about the sitch and l def' won't be giving out marriage advice because at least yours has lasted longer than mine.

But it does seem like w also has an illness of sorts and like you forgetting to put a cup away is gonna bring the world to an end.

So one thing l would say though is , and l'm not sure how you go about this because l know how relentless a person like that can be, but man somehow or nother she's gotta learn or be taught to stfk up with her poking and picking.

Seems to me her being like that is one of the biggest problems first of all.

[PRW]

What you are seeing is just the symptoms not the cause. She is displaying a lack of trust in you. Maybe your bad behavors have caught up with you and has created a lack of trust from her.

 

If she it hitting late 40's early 50's there is the mid-life crisis thing along with the physical changes in the body that happen about that time. So her fear of being abandoned "late in life" has skyrocketed which in turn brings out the buried mistrust. When younger the fear of abandonment is low (they have options) so the mistrust kind of gets buried and isn't seen that much. But when they get older (they have less options) the fear overcomes them,...if they are suddenly alone and single again, what will they do?, how will they survive? It doesn't matter if they have a good job,...it is a psychological/emotional response of losing the life and home they have known for so long.

 

So view her as someone who is just very afraid of losing everything. Giving her a "hard time" about any of it will only make it worse. She needs assurance, not punishment.

Edited August 1, 2019 by PRW

[NO LIMITS]

Ok so I am new to this and not really sure how to post a reply.

[Normm]

How do you forget to put a cup in the dishwasher? Sounds like my girlfriends teenage son. It's so freaking annoying. She'll tell him over and over again, put your stuff in the dishwasher when done. So I'll be sitting there in the living room, and I watch as he eats something and dumps the stuff in the sink for mom the slave to clean up at which point I'll say to him "dude I don't think you're retarded, but I can't be sure. How difficult is it to put the stuff in the dishwasher after you've been asked a million times?"

 

The cup is IN YOUR HAND. You consciously decide to place it in the sink. That's not "forgetting". That's passive-aggressive "I'll do what I want" BS.

 

 

I am looking for non-biased opinions and thoughts.

 

 

No such thing.

[Prudence V]

Have you raised this in MC?

 

It sounds like you need family therapy rather than MC, as the kids are trapped in the middle.

[Normm]

I'm really having a hard time finding sympathy for the Op. He's repeatedly cheated, abused drugs, wasted tons of money, is or was addicted to online gaming, and that's only the stuff he mentioned, there's probably even more.

 

Then it's all written off to "Well I did all those things because I had untreated PSTD" as if it's exusable, and now his wife's understandable behavior towards him is bothersome and it's impossible for him to deal with and it's because of her that they lost all their friends and he's miserable and tense all the time.

 

 

The lack of accountability here is appalling. I can only imagine what wifey would say if she was to tell her side of the story.

[NO LIMITS]

How do you forget to put a cup in the dishwasher? Perhaps the dishwasher is full and running, or perhaps it is full of clean dishes. The point here is the nit picking and double standard. It has nothing to do with Passive aggressive behaviour.

I get how you are having a hard time finding sympathy. I am not looking for sympathy, I have done a lot of **** that I am not proud of. She has done the same **** to me. If you have a question, I am more than happy to answer it because I am trying my best to figure all of this out. I know it is easy to judge me and that is your right to do so when I go on a forum. Rest assure PTSD is not something to push aside as if it means nothing. It is a very serious illness. I also completely get that there are two sides to a story and as you can see in my first post, I never painted myself to be an angel. I own what I have done and I have worked very hard to get where I am today to the point where I am now mentoring people that have PTSD and help them to hopefully not go through what I have.

[NO LIMITS]

I have raised this issue about the kids being afraid in MC and she says I am full of it and just trying to hurt her. The kids have come to me and told me these things, I have asked her to speak with them but she refused to because she doesn't believe it. We both do our absolute best not to have the kids see any issues with us and on numerous occasions one of us has mentioned to the other that we should not be having a particular discussion where the kids may hear us.

[NO LIMITS]

We use to have 2 very close friends (there were a couple) and both of them are professional therapists. They both told her to get professional help and both have said that she has very deep issues that are being depressed that may go back as far as her childhood. My wife has refused and states that there is nothing wrong with her. Note that we are no longer friends with that couple either because my wife has refused to talk to them anymore because of their suggestions.

 

Right now we are both trying to make our marriage work and we both say that we want it to work. I just cannot help but thinking there is so much water under that bridge that we can never recover. She insists that I go to bed when she goes to bed and she said to me "I cannot imagine a husband that would not wanting to go to sleep when his wife wants to go to sleep" I responded with "I cannot imagine a wife not wanting to stay up when her husband stays up"

[NO LIMITS]

She definitely does not trust me all of the time that is for sure. We have both lied to each other a lot and I admit that I still lie to her occasionally but I lie because she is so judgmental of what I do. A good example of this is at one point we were fighting so much about money that something had to stop. In the end, we decided that we would continue pooling our money into the same bank account but would also open a second account with a small month allowance. The intent of this was good because we both agreed that if one of us purchased something with their own money, the other could not complain about that purchase. She likes her shoes and I like my electronics...so to speak. Well we still fight about money, I do not complain about any of her purchases but she still complains about mine. This solution did not work. I am not sure what more can be done about the money aspect. So now if I buy something with my own money, I do my best to ensure that she does not see it so she cannot give me crap for buying it.

 

I never thought about the age aspect and what you say does make sense to me. I know I feel that way and perhaps that is one of the reasons we are both holding on. I do like that part where you said to view her as somebody that is afraid of losing everything. I do my best to not even react to all of this, but it builds up and then we have a fight. I could be in the absolute best mood possible and then all of a sudden she criticizes me for the smallest thing. It is like death by a 1000 cuts.

[Normm]

Perhaps the dishwasher is full and running, or perhaps it is full of clean dishes.

 

Then empty it.

 

She has done the same **** to me. If you have a question, I am more than happy to answer it

 

My question is has your wife abused drugs, cheated on you, and wasted marital funds?

[chillii]

Just wanted to add, l originally skipped some of that l often do with long posts , mind you l'm not knocking the long post it's a very complicated situation, so sorry about that, and just disregard my reply.

But unfortunately one area was your side in things and stuff you've been doing along the way too.

And then as some have mentioned on top of everything else add that she'll be entering menopause , been there with that one and my ex and it's an extremely volatile time for her especially with things being on such shaky ground, don't underestimate it believe me.

 

l really think you guys need some serious professional help with all this but hopefully even talking it through in the forum might be of some help too. Btw , has she got a gp she can talk to.

Good luck with everything.

[spiderowl]

Your wife is definitely trying to control you. She is doing so in minute detail. Whether this is because you have let her down in the past to the extent that she does not trust you, or because she is naturally a controlling person, is hard to know.

 

It sounds like she is a bit OCD and you are (knowingly or otherwise) failing to meet those exacting standards. You both have issues that are quite serious.

 

Maybe separate counselling would be better for you both. I just feel you both need to develop without the other's influence. The marriage does not sound happy.

 

I have a feeling you are both dependent on each other - co-dependent if you will - with your respective behaviours attempts to cope with or compensate for each other's behaviour.

 

While you are together, your behaviours are so intertwined that you will not be able to see what triggers what. Do you need her to be 'on your case' to prevent you from acting impulsively and burning the family silver? Does she need you to be forgetful and impulsive in order to justify her controlling behaviour?

 

Do you want to save your marriage if neither of you is willing to change your behaviours? If not, then maybe a trial separation will enable you to disentangle yourselves and find out who you really are without the other person compensating for you.

 

Many people do muddle along in marriages and grumble about each others' faults. Is your marriage damaging you, your wife, children? That is something to consider when looking ahead. I think this is a very difficult situation that love alone is not going to resolve. The options seem to be:

 

Continuing to try to make it work when you are both unhappy

Having separate counselling to work through your own roles

Separating temporarily

Separating permanently

 

Good luck!

[preraph]

What does the marriage counselor say about her treating you like a kid? I get that she may feel anxious if you have memory problems, but still...It has surely come up. She needs to work on that. If you have not brought it up in marriage counseling, you MUST, not matter how mad it makes her.

[salparadise]

Yea, I'm not buying this stuff about all of her issues being the result of your issues. I think she has significant issues of her own. The extreme controlling behavior is likely due to her personality deficits, with anxiety and insecurity. But it's working for her because you're not setting boundaries, effectively enabling it. There is codependency and enmeshment.

 

I know a bit about this pattern. My ex-wife was controlling and neurotic. I learned to be assertive without engaging in open conflict. She didn't like it –– really didn't like it. Control was her defense mechanism, but it was destroying me and it had to stop. She had been passively undermining me the whole marriage, but in the latter years it became worse and much more overt, like what you describe.

 

For example, using the situation of coffee cup left on the counter... when she raises hell, treats you like a three year old, and harshly criticizes, you have to make that not work for her anymore, not okay. Tell her in a nonchalant tone that you're just fine with the coffee cup being where it is for now, and maybe you'll put in the dishwasher when you get around to it. She is seeing you as an extension of herself, and controlling you the way she controls her own body. She has no concept of where one person ends and the other begins. You have to show her. if she wants to throw a tantrum, let her do it all by herself, while you remain unaffected. Don't engage. Use I statements, not you statements.

 

@Normm There is no law on the books that says he has to be obedient and compliant with respect to these rules and expectations she tries to impose. There is nothing inherently wrong with a coffee cup sitting on the counter. I don't know where you get off saying all of this is his fault. It's not. He is the person asking for help, and he admits that he has his issues, so let's accept him right where he is and give him the dignity and respect he deserves for his sincere request.

[elaine567]

He has huge issues and she has got used to treating him as a child because he has acted/is still acting like a child.

 

She cannot trust him to even put his coffee cup away like an adult... Until she can trust him, she will never change as she is protecting herself and her family from him. How can she ever trust someone completely with memory issues, substance abuse issues, infidelity issues, online gambling issues, compulsive shopping issues????

She is in Mom mode permanently.

Checking and checking again, correcting and rechecking, to make sure all is safe in her world.

[BaileyB]

The fact that your friends no longer want to spend time with her tells me a lot.

 

While her behavior May have started for a reason, it sounds like she has lost perspective and she has gone too far. I too would suggest family counselling. I’m concerned for your children, who are growing up in a very unhappy and unhealthy home right now.

[FMW]

The marriage sounds really unhealthy and dysfunctional for both of you.

 

You admit to your failures and your wife most certainly has grounds for not trusting you or even being able to continue with the marriage. But staying with you and using those failures to justify controlling and neurotic behavior would not be acceptable to any reasonable person.

[Mr. Lucky]

You admit to your failures and your wife most certainly has grounds for not trusting you or even being able to continue with the marriage. But staying with you and using those failures to justify controlling and neurotic behavior would not be acceptable to any reasonable person.

 

Well said.

 

OP, see your pattern in many of the dysfunctional marriage threads here.

 

One partner spends the first half of the relationship acting out and undermining the bond, and it seems you hit the trifecta of infidelity, addiction and financial issues.

 

He/she eventually sees the light, reforms and tries to be a better partner. Perhaps they even work hard at it, finally understanding what’s at stake.

 

But the other spouse is stuck, unable to see anything but the old wayward partner. And they may even feel unconsciously years of sin equals years of retribution. And so the marriage goes nowhere, and may even be worse than before.

 

It may take a heroic effort - by both of you through counseling - to fix this. And you may have to consider what to do if that doesn’t happen. Tough situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Prudence V]

I have raised this issue about the kids being afraid in MC and she says I am full of it and just trying to hurt her. The kids have come to me and told me these things, I have asked her to speak with them but she refused to because she doesn't believe it.

 

Please arrange family counselling, or separate counselling for the kids if you think they will feel afraid to speak out in front of her. You may think you and your wife are succeeding in keeping certain things away from your kids, but clearly they are aware of enough to be afraid. That is not fair to them.

 

As to her dismissing you in MC - this is another example of her trying to control the narrative. She needs to be right, and she needs to be seen to be right. Anything that you say (or do) that challenges that, she is unable even to hear. Hence her rationalisations of putting coffee cups where she tells you not to leave them. Being right matters more to her than anything else, as it is Helps her to feel in control. She probably developed that coping mechanism earlier in response to the behaviours you disclosed earlier in the thread, but they have taken on a life of their own now and have become an issue in the marriage.

 

If she does not get some kind of therapy - and it doesn’t sound as if she’s open to MC, if she’s just shutting you down in that space - this is not going to change. You have your own behaviours and challenges to face, and if her controlling and treating you like a child and having to be right all the time is added to that, it doesn’t sound as if you will have the space to feel supported in the changes you need to make, either.

 

You both have a choice - and you both need to make it. If you both choose to make your M work, and not just say so, be willing to do the hard work it takes - you need to find a MC who holds you both to account and doesn’t let either of you get away with behaviour like you described. If even one of you is half-hearted about that commitment, it won’t work.

[elaine567]

Are either of you willing to divorce the other? or are you both stuck in the ruts you have created for yourselves, due to the significant trauma you in particular have brought to the marriage.

You wish to rug sweep and move on, feeling hard done by, by your wife's parental attitude towards you.

 

She, damaged by the previous ongoings, is unwilling to let go and lose control, else it all falls apart. I guess as Mr Lucky pointed out, she also wants her pound of flesh, some retribution for the years of torture you have put her through.

That cannot be solved by you stating "I am all better now". She needs to see some improvement, some sign that you are indeed "better".

But it seems you are not helping.

You are still leaving the coffee cup out as some sort of childish rebellion and are still buying stuff on the sly... You are attempting to even turn the kids against her...

[NO LIMITS]

At one point we both decided that it is our best interest to split up and get divorced. We told the kids together and we told any friends if they asked. We had a realtor come into the house to tell us what we need to put it up on the market. I agree that I have a significant amount of trauma that I brought into this marriage and I have been working very hard with treatment that has been helping me learn about the trauma, the expectations and outcomes as a result and learn better coping mechanisms to have a better, more healthy life. I do not wish to rug sweep as you say, I do wish to have a healthy and happy marriage. I have changed my ways drastically, and have more or less have done a complete 180 in terms of who I am and what I do. As for the parenting statement, she tells me when to go to bed, when to get up, how to eat my food, where to park my vehicle, how to cut bread etc. This is not being a mother, it is being controlling. There is a huge difference. I do not understand your statement about me attempting to turn the children against her. How exactly am I doing this? When the kids approach me and tell me that they are afraid of their mother, do I not talk to them about it?

[NO LIMITS]

I am going to do my best to address my original statement of the coffee cup because there have been many different interpretations of that statement. It was given only to provide an example of what is happening. To add to this, these are among other things that happen.

 

Lets say today I put the coffee cup in the sink, she gives me crap about it etc. Me putting the cup in the sink is not the issue, the issue is that she will put a cup in the sink herself the very next day. I will get **** from her if I do it and then she goes and does the exact same thing and it is acceptable. The real issue here is the double standard.

 

The cup is just one item, it can be me cutting a loaf of fresh bread and I am told that I am doing it wrong. She does like me whistling because it annoys here, she doesn't like me tapping my foot to a song on the radio because it bothers her. If she is gone all day and and I am home and she comes home to supper not being ready, she looses her mind over it. If I she is home and I am gone all day, then come home to supper not being ready. I simply start making supper when I get home. Why is it acceptable for her and not me. There is a double standard and that is the issue. I am not acting childish, or bullying. I am just asking for equality.

[NO LIMITS]

In reference to "My question is has your wife abused drugs, cheated on you, and wasted marital funds?"

 

The answer to all of these questions is yes. Some she had done before me and some after me.