Am I crazy or is this really the way things are.

[NO LIMITS]

Please arrange family counselling, or separate counselling for the kids if you think they will feel afraid to speak out in front of her. You may think you and your wife are succeeding in keeping certain things away from your kids, but clearly they are aware of enough to be afraid. That is not fair to them.

 

We have gotten our children into their own therapists and it has helped them all a great deal. They for the most part are older now and understand a lot more. Especially when I sat each of them down and explained to the what my illness was and some of the problems it can create.

 

If she does not get some kind of therapy - and it doesn’t sound as if she’s open to MC, if she’s just shutting you down in that space - this is not going to change. You have your own behaviours and challenges to face, and if her controlling and treating you like a child and having to be right all the time is added to that, it doesn’t sound as if you will have the space to feel supported in the changes you need to make, either.

 

One of the many things I have learned through my own therapy is to be assertive. When I am assertive things do not usually go well as a result. Assertive is a lot healthier than submissive or aggressive that's for sure.

[elaine567]

She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink

 

A great link provided by clia on another thread...

[Maddie82]

I'm genuinely surprised she is still with you. You did the worse things any man could ever do to his wife yet you are here complaining about her. The issues in your marriage were brought on by you. You hurt her so much that it sounds like she is emotionally drained. PTSD or not, you knew what you were doing and that is unforgivable. Try and see things from her point of view. Her husband goes off the rails, did every bad thing imaginable and she stood by you while raising your kids. She is still hurting and will likely always feel that way, not to mention the insecurities. She is still angry and that is why she snaps at the little things. Try being a little more sensitive and understanding to her feelings. You put her through allot.

[NO LIMITS]

The fact that your friends no longer want to spend time with her tells me a lot.

 

While her behavior May have started for a reason, it sounds like she has lost perspective and she has gone too far. I too would suggest family counselling. I’m concerned for your children, who are growing up in a very unhappy and unhealthy home right now.

 

This weekend that just past was interesting. My wife does not like it when I spend time with my friends and she does her best to make me feel guilty if I do. This weekend I was asked if I wanted to golf with a couple of friends to celebrate one of their birthdays. When I discussed this with her, she said that is all I have been doing is going golfing, when is this going to stop? For the record, I have golfed twice this year. This is hardly a lot of golfing.

 

She invited one of her friends over one day this weekend, and they both hung around outside, inside all day long, drinking wine, coolers etc. I cooked supper on the BBQ for all of us. It is not that I mind, in fact I love it when she gets together with a friend and hangs out with them. The thing that bothers me is that she is against me doing the same thing. The day he friend was over, she hardly spoke a work to me all day or even acknowledged that I was there, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have gotten such a huge lever of anger.

[elaine567]

SHE doesn't trust you an inch, and I wonder why????

 

You have bulldozed every bit of trust out of her with your previous antics... people don't just forget...

[NO LIMITS]

I completely agree with what you say about boundaries. I have gotten into the bad habit of doing what she wants just to avoid an argument. While in treatment I learned how to be assertive while at the same time being respectful. This in most cases is a win win however, it usually does not go well. The one thing I have been consistent about is that we do not have any serious discussing in bed. Each and every professional therapist we have seen has stated that the bedroom is for 2 things only, and one of them is sleep.

 

The controlling, neurotic behavior is very difficult, to the point that I have lost friends over. Last year for New Years Eve, she invited her mother to spend it with us. I thought it was a great idea and wanted to invite my father and she disagreed with this and would not allow it. We see her mother about 20 times a year and we see my father maybe twice a year.

 

Thank you for your advice, especially since you seem to have gone through the same time of behavior yourself.

[NO LIMITS]

I too am genuinely surprised that we are still together. Most people would have ended this years ago. Then again, most people are not willing to fight for their marriage as hard either. You are absolutely correct that I have done so many things wrong to her and I wish I never had but I cannot change the past. I can only change myself and my behaviors. I am trying very hard to be sensitive to her needs and who she is. She is my wife, the mother of my children. I should respect her 100%. We have both hurt each other a great deal and I truly hope that we can move on in a healthy way that is best for both of us.

 

I'm genuinely surprised she is still with you. You did the worse things any man could ever do to his wife yet you are here complaining about her. The issues in your marriage were brought on by you. You hurt her so much that it sounds like she is emotionally drained. PTSD or not, you knew what you were doing and that is unforgivable. Try and see things from her point of view. Her husband goes off the rails, did every bad thing imaginable and she stood by you while raising your kids. She is still hurting and will likely always feel that way, not to mention the insecurities. She is still angry and that is why she snaps at the little things. Try being a little more sensitive and understanding to her feelings. You put her through allot.

[SunGenie]

Well said by the person who responded about her going thru mid life, feeling insecure and having lack of trust. Once trust is broken, its next to impossible to fully trust again. She has a right to be angry and insecure. Are you doing anything to reassure her and make her feel supported and cared for? She is a saint for staying married to you, appreciate that.

Edited August 6, 2019 by SunGenie

[Lotsgoingon]

We use to have 2 very close friends (there were a couple) and both of them are professional therapists. They both told her to get professional help and both have said that she has very deep issues that are being depressed that may go back as far as her childhood. My wife has refused and states that there is nothing wrong with her. Note that we are no longer friends with that couple either because my wife has refused to talk to them anymore because of their suggestions.

 

This was the one suggestion I had: your wife needs therapy. If she has refused that, I think you've done all you could. Her going to therapy won't guarantee things will survive, but ... without it, there's no chance you guys can create a good relationship and move beyond your old pain.