rubyskies209 Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 (edited) I have been the OW going on 3 years. My MM has been separated for almost 2 years and they both live separately. They have no assets together, no kids and no house together. but, they have been together for almost 18 years and married 9 years. In the beginning, we literally snuck out to hang out and I thought when they separated we would somehow be together. When they finally separated he introduced me to his friends, family and we would go out in public openly. After 8 months or so, he said he needed to focus on himself, get in a program to get in shape and try to be sober and try to quit excessively drinking. He did this for a couple months and in those months quit all communication with me. I heard from a friend that they seen they seen mm and the wife during that time. So, program is over he contacts me and from there we are in contact for almost two months straight. I have been staying at his place here and there and everything seems to be ok. He then mentions something about going through some issues and that the only people who have been there for him are me and his wife. For some reason, I got heated and went home when he said that because I felt I knew more of the issues he was going through since I have been there to firsthand to see it. He then texts me and says that we should take a break and that I should not feel any type of way because they still have a good friendship. Can somebody please tell me if they have no kids and have been separated for two years why not just give it up and file for divorce. What should I do in the meantime? Edited August 1, 2019 by rubyskies209 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 I was involved with a MM for 3 years who was separated from his wife (no kids), the first two they lived separately, the last year she moved back in, he said, because she couldn't afford to live separately any more (even though she comes from a wealthy family). After 3 years not only did he not divorce but he ghosted me for another OW - one by all accounts who is also wealthy and can support his need for the finer things in life. Who knows why he isn't divorcing, but all you need to know is that he's not. And taking breaks from you means he's not sure he wants to be with you. Don't wait around for him to make the decision about what happens between the two of you. When and if he's free he can come to you. But don't wait around, don't remain available to him in the meantime. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 Because he doesn’t want to. You should set downa boundary that helps you/yourself. Don’t see him again until his divorce is final. So many say they intend to divorce but never do... they much rather have two women. Only continue if you wish to be used further. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 Who knows why he isn't divorcing, but all you need to know is that he's not. This is it. If he truly wanted to be with you, he would be with you. The fact that he has not done so in the past three years, says it all. This man isn’t going to respect you if you don’t respect yourself enough to set a healthy boundary. Don’t wait around for him any more, while he goes back and forth, back and forth, and then decides to work on himself, quit drinking (a BIG red flag by the way), get in shape, date around, etc... Send this guy back to his wife with your blessing. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 What should you do? Start dating available men! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 During "the program", why was it necessary to cut contact with you? Link to post Share on other sites
karmaisabitotch Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 Can somebody please tell me if they have no kids and have been separated for two years why not just give it up and file for divorce. What should I do in the meantime? They have no kids and separated for 2 years but haven't filed for divorced yet that doesn't mean they will not get back together. Please look at this way, they have history together for 18 years, it's not easy to break it off. What should you do in the meantime? I think you should step back and let him deal and resolve his issues. Please take care of yourself dear as it's more important than anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 His wife has been there for 18yrs and she knows him better than you do. She probably feels like family to him and so he doesn't want to totally let her go. Cheaters are selfish like that. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 How much more time are willing to allow him to waste? He’s a time waster. He likes the attention of TWO women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 Sounds like he's happy with the situation. Maybe he's one of those men who complains that he felt 'suffocated' by marriage. So now he lives alone, dates his wife sometimes, dates you sometimes. This suits him much better. Do YOU want to be just one of his two girlfriends? If you do, then as long as his wife knows about you and you know about her, this arrangement could work out. If you want him to marry you and be your fulltime partner, though... it sounds like he is not interested in that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rubyskies209 Posted August 19, 2019 Author Share Posted August 19, 2019 My MM has been separated for almost 2 years. They have no kids, live separately but have been together almost half their lives. When he separated we hung out all the time, I met his family, friends and basically seemed to be his gf but without the official title. A couple months ago we took a break and him and his wife were hanging out again. We started talking again a couple months ago and he just told me they are going on a vacation to the Bahamas. I was in shock but he insisted that this trip was made when we were not talking and there is no feelings involved and it’s simply friends going on a trip. He assured me that they both have no intentions on working things out. I’m not sure how to feel about this, a side of me wants to say if he goes I won’t ever talk to him. But, the other side of me wants him to go on this trip to finally have him realize what he wants and I’m pretty sure he will know after this trip. I know it kills me inside that they are going but I really don’t know whether to make him feel bad or just be understanding? Any suggestions will help Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 How long are you prepared to wait for this man? I only ask because he “separated” from his wife two years ago... and, you still don’t have the title of “girlfriend.” He introduced you to his family, but not as his girlfriend. It seems to me that if he was going to move forward and have a relationship with you, he would have done so already... that is, assuming that he is actually separated from his wife. As for the trip he is taking to the Bahamas with his wife as “friends...” I hate to say it, but I don’t think you have to wait until they get home to know where you stand. He doesn’t call you girlfriend and he is going on a romantic holiday with his wife... I don’t think I’d be waiting for him when he gets home. I’m so sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 If he hasn't figured out what he wants in 2 years of separation, a romantic vacation to the Bahamas isn't going to help. That's what I told myself too - that the trip would bring him clarity. Truth is, he already has that. He likes it just fine the way it is. You are both enabling him to have his cake and eat it too. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 Wow, he hasn’t finalized the divorce in two YEARS? AND he vacationing with HER? Oh honey, he’s not worried about hurting you and your feelings! You should be completely DONE with him! You are not his priority. Looks like he likes having two women at once. Link to post Share on other sites
Pinknyc Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 I'm sorry, but he is lying to you and has been leading you on. The sooner you can see it, the better it is for you. Totally agree with the other posters. If he is not divorced after 2 years of separation, I doubt his separation was even real. Then to go on a trip with his W as friends is utter hogwash. At best, it's because they are trying to work things out (if they are truly separated). At worst, it's because they are STILL a couple. You don't need to wait until he returns from the trip - he will still not be with you. There are not even kids here as the excuse. Please cut your losses. You've already wasted 3 years on him. Don't waste another 3 years. You are giving all your power to him. You have the power to decide as well. Actions speak louder than words. If he wanted to be with you, it would have happen by now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 (edited) The "break" was, you said, initiated by him when he went on the "program" and cut contact with you. He was then found hanging out with his wife and they obviously then organised this trip. He is playing you. Walk away whilst you still have some dignity intact. Edited August 19, 2019 by elaine567 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 From the outside looking in it seems like after getting sober he has perhaps realised that he is not quite ready to leave his marriage and he has persuaded his wife to at least look at giving it a chance now he has reformed his drinking. Does his wife know about you? About your relationship? Or does he pass you off as a friend who's been supportive? Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 So...he conveniently broke up with you, then during that time agreed to go on a Caribbean vacation with his W where there is zero intent to reconcile? Nope, not likely. As the other posters suggested, they are probably testing out his newly sober living to see if they still have a chance. There are a few of here that grit our teeth when the MM's went on vacation with their W. Each one of us was assured the holiday was only to see if there was anything left in the marriage. Yeah....right. OP, I know this hurts but it doesn't look good for you. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 There are a few rare circumstances that can justify going on a trip with an ex.* None of those seem to apply here. He's going on a romantic trip with her because he wants to. (The justifications? 1) It was a really big deal trip that was planned before the relationship broke up, possibly involving other family, possibly involving once-in-a-lifetime foreign visits. Some people will decide they'd rather go anyway and refuse to allow the broken relationship to spoil those plans. 2) It's a kid-focused vacation. Even then, it's often a bad idea, but separated/divorced people will sometimes stick together to go to disneyworld or visit grandma, 'for the kids'.) Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 You know why he’s not divorced yet? Because he gets to have BOTH! Link to post Share on other sites
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