Wife and her ex-fiance

[Beaver0273]

I (M35) don't know what do to now with my wife(F32) We've been married 8 years, together 13. We have three adorable children, 4, 3, and 2.

 

A little backstory. My wife got engaged at the age of 18. I knew her fiance then, had never met her. I absolutely hated the man. Arrogant, liar. I met her about 3 months after they got engaged. She broke it off 3 months later. She told me she was tired of getting lied to and how she felt that he didn't really love her. He was in the military so he was only home occasionally. Her and I dated other people then about a year and a half later we started dating. Things moved fast. About 2 years after we started dating, he got out of the military. Called her to let her know he was home for good now. They talked on the phone a couple times. I ended up telling her I was very uncomfortable with this. She said if I was that uncomfortable, she would quit talking to him, since he wasn't important anyway. Good, I feel better.

 

Fast forward a few years, we've got a house. Got engaged ourselves. She left her phone open one evening and on the screen was her text conversation with her ex. I didn't read it because I was immediately upset. I asked her how he was doing when she came back in. She told me he was good, yadda yadda yadda. Asked her how long they had been talking and she said a couple years now. She left her phone open accidentally a few other times the same way with his texts up. Ended up finding out she had invited him to visit her at work (quarry office). She had even invited him to our home multiple times, after we had kids for sure, maybe before. He was aware of how I felt about the situation and laughed about it in texts. She never really responded to those texts though. She had kept their 'friendship' going up until about March of this year when it apparently abruptly stopped. She insists they are just friends but I cant help but feel otherwise about the whole thing, especially with her knowing how I felt about in the beginning. I don't want to tell her who she can talk to or not, but the whole thing leaves me very uneasy. What can I do?

 

TLDR: Wife kept 'relationship' with ex fiance hidden from me for years and don't know what to do.

Edited August 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Cleaned up extraneous characters

[Normm]

don't know what to do.

 

 

Grow a set. She's crapping all over you.

[Beaver0273]

See i dont know exactly what to do. I only really became aware they had continued talking a couple weeks ago. Seems they haven't communicated in a while though. When I asked about it a little, her answers to something g about flirting went from, 'I dont think I did', to 'if i did it wasn't serious flirting', to 'I probably did'. Makes me feel like I won't get a real answer out now anyway

Edited August 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[schlumpy]

You need to see a lawyer and discuss your options. One of those options could be hiring a PI.

 

Get into her phone and copy all messages between them.

 

GPS the car.

 

install Voice Activated Recorders in places that will likely catch conversations you were never meant to hear. One favorite place is her car.

 

Start going over credit card bills and phone bills. Look for anything unusual or suspicious.

 

If you are the type of man that can divorce your wife over mere suspicion demand a polygraph and base your decision on the results. If she refuses that could be just as good as if she had taken it.

 

Do what your lawyer says.

 

I'm sorry. This must be quite a shock but you have to protect yourself and the kids.

 

Best Wishes

[mark clemson]

Sounds like this was at least an emotional affair (EA) and very likely also a physical affair (PA). It sounds like it is probably over. It also very much sounds like it could start right back up again under the right (wrong) circumstances.

 

So my suggestion is that you face that reality directly, consider your feelings, values, and options, and decide what you want. Generally around here this involves either separating or attempting to reconcile.

 

Agree that you should collect all available evidence and speak with a lawyer. Even if you don't want to separate, this might protect YOU in case she decides she wants to divorce. In some states infidelity has virtually no impact on divorce settlements, in others it can have a major impact. A laywer might also let you know which evidence collecting methods are legit and which are not in your specific state. So talking with a lawyer is a must, IMO.

[Mr.Me]

If I feel like I have to do all that above, I'm already gone anyway.

[Normm]

I only really became aware they had continued talking a couple weeks ago

 

 

As if that matters. What if you found out for sure your wife had an affair a few years ago? Would you just say "well that was in the past"?

[Beaver0273]

It doesnt matter at all Normm, I just dont know how to get all the truth out. I know I haven't been told it all, but I dont know how to get it out.

[Normm]

If there's nothing actively going on then you will never, ever get the truth.

 

I'd like to think that if I was in your shoes I'd immediately kick her to the curb for disrespecting me and the marriage but I understand it isn't that easy.

 

You could insist on a polygraph test which in of itself is a useless device but you just might elicit what is known as a "parking lot confession" before the test.

[schlumpy]

It doesnt matter at all Normm, I just dont know how to get all the truth out. I know I haven't been told it all, but I dont know how to get it out.

 

While you are waiting for the truth to come out give serious thought to what you want to do about the truth. Will it trigger a divorce or reconciliation? Will you want to separate if the news is bad?

 

How you attack this situation should be determined by what your objective is. So think very hard about it. If you want to stay in the marriage do not look at any pictures you find. Give them to your lawyer. You'll never get them out of your head and the same goes for audio. Get someone else to listen to it if you suspect there is something there.

 

If the evidence is against her you may want to take a day off work and search the house for any memorabilia she has hidden away. In her closet, dresser, jewelry box, etc. Also keep an eye out for gifts that didn't come from you. If it went on for a long time there is almost always a picture somewhere maybe in a shoebox.

 

 

Best Wishes

[Beaver0273]

Schlumpy I checked the house, the only things I didn't look in were Christmas decorations and wrapping. Couldn't find anything. Didn't make me feel better.

[salparadise]

Ended up finding out she had invited him to visit her at work (quarry office). She had even invited him to our home multiple times, after we had kids for sure, maybe before. He was aware of how I felt about the situation and laughed about it in texts.

 

Oh man, she was inviting him to her work and to your house when you weren't there! And then the texts just end with no discussion as to why? And then trickle truthing... I'd expect to find burner phone. DNA tests are in order.

 

This is not just her keeping in touch with an old friend, I hope you can see that. I'm sorry. This is going to be tough for you.

[Mrin]

DNA tests and a polygraph.

Otherwise, you'll get no other info. It sounds like it - whatever it is - is over so all of the evidence is gone and you won't be able to catch her in the act. Thus, DNA and a polygraph are your only options.

 

Also - I'll add that the whole "friendship ended" thing is suspicious. Not that it isn't really over. Rather the circumstances. This is a connection she's had and nurtured with him for what... 15 years? And for it to just end all of a sudden means that something very significant happened. If I had to guess it would be one of three things: 1) it was an EA that turned or almost turned into a PA and he/she chickened out. 2) they had a PA and had a pregnancy or pregnancy scare. 3) they had a PA and now he is in a relationship and ended it. You need the full story. Demand it. It is your right as a spouse.

[schlumpy]

Schlumpy I checked the house, the only things I didn't look in were Christmas decorations and wrapping. Couldn't find anything. Didn't make me feel better.

 

Since she has job she could be keeping things at work. That's a problem. Do you know any of her friends at work that you could get some information from? It might be worth a try especially if there is someone there she squabbles with.

 

She invited him to her work place and people there saw him yet no one bothered to give you a heads up. What a world.

 

Best Wishes

[Beaver0273]

Of course nothing is going at all by her account. How do I get the truth?

[schlumpy]

Of course nothing is going at all by her account. How do I get the truth?

 

Does the Ex boyfriend have a wife or SO? If so, what does she know about his visits?

 

You need allies. You can't do this yourself. The odds are stacked against you.

 

Best Wishes

[usa1ah]

Get a dna test kit from the Pharmacy

 

Get yourself tested for std’s.

[Marc878]

You recover the deleted texts in her phone. Fonelab is a top rated system for this. The truth will be in her deleted text messages.

 

Bud, we're just friends is the biggest lie told. Your wife has brought an x into your marriage. About the worst thing you can do in these situations is nothing.

 

I would also go online and download the data for the last year or 6 months and see how much communication was happening. Texts and phone calls. I suspect you'll be shocked.

 

Put your foot down right now. Tell her it's him or me but you can't have both.

 

Get strong and stay there. You allow this it'll just get worse.

 

Better wake up. It's at least an emotional affair.

[Marc878]

An emotional affair with contact usually means a sexual affair.

 

Inviting him yo your home = zero respect for you and your marriage. You need to wake up to where you're at and she's putting you.

 

This happens all the time. Pretty typically wayward behavior.

[mark clemson]

Totally agree with the above. What's this ex doing at your house when you're not there? I assume this was multiple times?

 

You ask how to get to the truth, but I think if you already know this. Sorry to say this, but the truth is looking you in the face. I suppose technically it's not 100% certain that it went PA, but...

[Bobdobalina]

it doesnt look like your feelings are taken into account at all considering you have asked for her to cut contact as it make you uncomfortable.

So whats the next stage that she isnt worried about what you think

[Turning point]

Slow down. This site is loaded with gasoline and you are a walking stack of newspaper right now.

 

If you've been together this long then you can afford to be patient and work smarter - not harder. Going all Sherlock Holmes will only make you insane and when she finds you doing it your marriage may end even if she was never unfaithful.

 

Why don't you simply go ask the other guy what's up with all the undisclosed contact these past years? Ask him why he's never had the courage to knock on your front door while you were home. Stay calm and cool and take his answers with a grain of salt - it's not the details that matter it's his ego and disposition that will let you know where he's coming from. Do not imply you have been informed by your wife of anything - and neither admit that you are without any real information. Just be curious. He may be honest with you or he may bait you - so, reacting to anything he says is a fool's errand. Your goal here is research - not a solution.

 

Find their mutual friends and see what if any connections can be found there as well. If there's something going on someone else usually knows about it, or has at least come face to face with something that didn't add up. Are you typically not part of her social circle or is this one ex-beau the exception?

 

Separate your fears from the facts. Right now you have an intact family, so don't blow it up on just a hunch.

Edited August 2, 2019 by Turning point

[Turning point]

Are you also military?

Where were you when all of these home visits were supposedly happening and all of this texting and contact is happening?

 

Most spouses have their spider senses triggered well before they find a text message. Her phone behavior alone while in your presence should have tipped you off.

 

Are you typically away from home for extended times?

Edited August 2, 2019 by Turning point

[mark clemson]

TP, if he goes to the ex and the ex doesn't wish to disclose anything (for whatever reason), the ex may inform her that OP is asking questions. This would presumably lead to her increasing OPSEC (ie, getting rid of more evidence, being even more careful). And possibly also causing her to end the marriage, etc as you suggest above.

 

So, think it's at least as much of a gamble as, say, discreetly searching phone records.

 

Just my opinion.

 

 

Respectfully, I also don't think it's a stretch to believe it's very probable this went PA if he ex visited her home with him not there, given all the attention (texts, etc) she was giving him.

 

Again, just my opinion...

[Beaver0273]

I'm not military. Couldn't join due to health issues. I was working when she would invite him. She would text him at any time. Not late at night but I know while eating or trying to put the kids to sleep.