Wife and her ex-fiance

[S2B]

Does she work? Does she make enough money to support herself?

 

I’m thinking having her leave the house immediately may help her understand how much she has harmed the marriage. It may be the only way she understands her actions have consequences.

[Turning point]

Slow down. This site is loaded with gasoline and you are a walking stack of newspaper right now.

 

If you've been together this long then you can afford to be patient and work smarter - not harder. Going all Sherlock Holmes will only make you insane and when she finds you doing it your marriage may end even if she was never unfaithful.

 

Why don't you simply go ask the other guy what's up with all the undisclosed contact these past years? Ask him why he's never had the courage to knock on your front door while you were home. Stay calm and cool and take his answers with a grain of salt - it's not the details that matter it's his ego and disposition that will let you know where he's coming from. Do not imply you have been informed by your wife of anything - and neither admit that you are without any real information. Just be curious. He may be honest with you or he may bait you - so, reacting to anything he says is a fool's errand. Your goal here is research - not a solution.

 

Find their mutual friends and see what if any connections can be found there as well. If there's something going on someone else usually knows about it, or has at least come face to face with something that didn't add up. Are you typically not part of her social circle or is this one ex-beau the exception?

 

Separate your fears from the facts. Right now you have an intact family, so don't blow it up on just a hunch.

Edited August 2, 2019 by Turning point

[Turning point]

Are you also military?

Where were you when all of these home visits were supposedly happening and all of this texting and contact is happening?

 

Most spouses have their spider senses triggered well before they find a text message. Her phone behavior alone while in your presence should have tipped you off.

 

Are you typically away from home for extended times?

Edited August 2, 2019 by Turning point

[mark clemson]

TP, if he goes to the ex and the ex doesn't wish to disclose anything (for whatever reason), the ex may inform her that OP is asking questions. This would presumably lead to her increasing OPSEC (ie, getting rid of more evidence, being even more careful). And possibly also causing her to end the marriage, etc as you suggest above.

 

So, think it's at least as much of a gamble as, say, discreetly searching phone records.

 

Just my opinion.

 

 

Respectfully, I also don't think it's a stretch to believe it's very probable this went PA if he ex visited her home with him not there, given all the attention (texts, etc) she was giving him.

 

Again, just my opinion...

[Beaver0273]

I'm not military. Couldn't join due to health issues. I was working when she would invite him. She would text him at any time. Not late at night but I know while eating or trying to put the kids to sleep.

[Turning point]

Your best available indicators are the people involved and your own common sense. Work the problem sensibly and calmly.

 

What evidence is there that he actually came to the house as opposed to just talking about it? What is your own sense about what she's truly capable of? What issues have you had with her, or witnessed that parallel the kind of deception it would take to have an affair?

 

Do you have any casual or regular access to the other guy, or would talking to him itself as I suggest be completely out of the norm? Is he local or would he have to travel some distance to get to your home or her workplace? What kind of eyes does he have on you? Does he have the ability to know when and where you come and go?

 

I've been down the whole detective route and it will make you crazy. It will destroy your relationship even if you find nothing. Don;t drive her away with obsessive control. You can't build a fence high enough to keep her contained. The best you can do is assess her intentions and boundaries.

 

She may be playing him and loving the ego boost but stringing him along like a pet. Doesn't excuse her behavior but, your own choices here can make the difference between a marriage that works and one that rots on the vine.

 

The whole DNA test your kids thing - you'd probably have noticed something by now. Save that for when and if it's really needed.

[Marc878]

Contacting her x won't get you a thing.

 

Look at the facts. Phone calls, texts to and X you didn't know about.

 

Your wife inviting him to your home when you aren't there.

 

You'd have to be pretty naive or a doormat not to suspect somethings going on.

 

We're just friends is the biggest lie told.

 

What is tiptoeing through the tulips going to get you?

 

You have an intact marriage? Maybe, maybe not. You wouldn't be the first or the last to get blindsided.

 

The trouble is you don't know. You have big red flags. Like in most cases she isn't going to tell you a thing and neither I'd her X.

 

I don't see where you have much of a choice.

 

Go online and review your phone bill. It's an easy first step. Only takes about 30 minutes

[Marc878]

Not knowing what's going on will drive you crazier than digging a bit.

 

OP has some gut instincts about this or he wouldn't be here.

 

Asking questions around friends will throw up a big flare and start the gossip train rolling quicker than anything else. Bank on that

[S2B]

I'm not military. Couldn't join due to health issues. I was working when she would invite him. She would text him at any time. Not late at night but I know while eating or trying to put the kids to sleep.

 

What are you doing to help yourself?... to gather info you’re gonna need?

 

What is your plan man?

[Turning point]

I don't see where you have much of a choice.

 

That's just wrong. He is faced with unlimited choices.

 

Those of us egging him on for a fight have already made our choices. We don't get the right to resolve our issues using his family. The problem with a contest is that it demands a roster of losers.

 

There are children to consider - this is not fight night and no one should be making popcorn. Just work the problem one logical step at a time.

 

OP, it's entirely possible that your worst fear is true. How you arrive at discovery or resolution is entirely your choice. One of many you will have to make wisely.

[Beaver0273]

But ya there is no way I would be able to talk to him without something bad happening.

[ExpatInItaly]

They are not just friends. Obviously.

 

I would assume it's already gone physical if she was ballsy enough to invite him to your home. That is a monumental risk (what if the kids saw him? Or the neighbours noticed a strange man coming into and out of your house? What if you came home unexpectedly?) and to me it suggests they're already pretty comfortable with their infidelity.

 

You aren't likely to get the truth out of her or him. As the others have suggested, go and check your phone bill and see whose number she is making the most contact with. You could try a more extreme tactic by calling her bluff and telling her you have booked a polygraph test on X date and that you will accompany her to the test and be present while it happens. See if that shakes her enough to cough up something more. Be prepared to follow through even if she is willing to take it, too.

 

You have likely just uncovered a fraction of the whole truth here.

[Turning point]

If my spouse asked me to take a polygraph I would get the hell out of the relationship on that basis alone. I would also leave a relationship if I thought I needed my spouse to take a polygraph test. That's like bringing a toolbox to a smoking crater.

 

OP, check the phone records and see just how much time they have invested into each other. There's good information there. Times, dates, duration, and places the calls originated from. If it's over - contemplate the possibility the SHE is the one who ended it. It's worth knowing the reason.

 

Get the two of you into marriage counseling because if something is amiss the probing of a third party can be very revealing. You'll get to do something you can't do on-on-one which is to sit back and observe their responses, and really focus on what they say, and how they say it. The truth is often best seen from a distance.

[Beaver0273]

As of right now we are going to talk about it. Best I can do with time constraints. I suppose I should get into her phone and see what I can find and go from there.

[Timshel]

But ya there is no way I would be able to talk to him without something bad happening.

 

???

 

Two things...first, you now know that your wife (?) is a liar.

Second, not for your sake only but more for your kids, have a dna test. In these days, they will find out one day anyway and it's better you are in front of this.

 

You are their dad, no matter what. They should know the truth, from their parents, not a test someday.

[Marc878]

Shes got secretive communication going on behind OP's back with an X for who knows how long. She's invited him to her work and home without OP's knowledge. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks it's not a zebra.

 

If it's what it sounds like he's not gonna get he truth. She'll only admit to what he knows.

 

Sticking his head in the sand isn't going to get him a thing.

 

If he wants the facts he'll have to dig them out on his own.

 

Right now he doesn't know much.

 

OP if you haven't woken up you need too.

[Marc878]

As of right now we are going to talk about it. Best I can do with time constraints. I suppose I should get into her phone and see what I can find and go from there.

 

Go online first. That's the easiest way to see the scope of what the data tells you.

 

What will tell you most is deleted text's.

 

Talk usually won't get you much. Except denial, we're just friends, etc.

 

Stay out of marriage counciling. You don't know what you're dealing with at this time and if you get a bad one (and there's a good chance of that) it can cause even more damage.

 

You can't make her do anything but you can control you. If it were me you get to make a choice. It'll be him or me. However, you can't make ultimatums and not back them up.

[mark clemson]

That's like bringing a toolbox to a smoking crater.

 

I like this analogy. Unfortunately, I think it's what at least a few of us believe we're seeing here.

 

Get the two of you into marriage counseling... The truth is often best seen from a distance.

 

Totally agree.

 

Note: I'm not a BH (to my knowledge at all), so no issues to work out here. Nor am I making any popcorn - I sincerely hope you are right and I am wrong and that there's less to this, not more. It's just that there seems to be a lot of smoke here for there to be no fire, unfortunately.

[S2B]

As of right now we are going to talk about it. Best I can do with time constraints. I suppose I should get into her phone and see what I can find and go from there.

 

Honestly I don’t see the value of talking about it. She’s proven she just lies about it.

 

You need to gather evidence. Get busy. She is WAY ahead of you.

 

Why haven’t you considered dna testing the kids? That ought to get some truth out of her.

[Beaver0273]

the DNA test terrifies me. I've looked into some though.

Edited August 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mrin]

the DNA test terrifies me. I've looked into some though.

 

Unfortunately it is the right move and probably the only move (besides a polygraph) that will get your wife to tell you the truth.

 

If she flips out you will know that something happened. Also tell her you are getting are STD test and want her to take one too. Her reaction will tell you a lot.

Edited August 3, 2019 by Mrin

[schlumpy]

Beaver,

 

If you don't get any information you will not understand what you are dealing with. MC will not help you because you won't know what you need to fix.

 

Was her behavior inappropriate or was it your invasion of her privacy by prying into her phone messages the real problem?

 

Is it that her story seems implausible or is the sticking point your shocking lack of faith when she is obviously telling you the truth.

 

Either get a hold of yourself and start digging for the answers or accept her explanations, move on and quit being terrified.

 

It bothers me exceedingly to think of you lying there at night staring at the ceiling being pulled apart internally in a dozen different directions. It bothers me that the advice I'm offering is ruining your life.

 

Don't listen to me - listen to your wife and be happy again.

[salparadise]

...probably the only move (besides a polygraph) that will get your wife to tell you the truth.

 

More than that even. It’s the only thing that she can’t spin, obfuscate, explain away, or gaslight. It sends the message that you know she’s lying, and won’t be played for a fool. It takes the control completely away from her. And it gets straight to the biggest, most egregious issue of all. Paternity fraud.

 

I bet she’ll freak out, because I don’t think she invited him to your house for tea and toast. I bet she doesn’t know herself and is scared to death to have a definitive test done. Don’t give her any heads up- pull out the test and swab their cheeks right in front of her.

 

You have to figure this out man, even if you’re scared of the answer. It will eat you alive to live with this kind of doubt.

[S2B]

You are more screwed if you don’t start finding out what the real deal is.

 

Have you placed a camera in your home to see what she is doing when you’re not there?

[Crazelnut]

OP, please don't waste your time talking to her. You did that once, and it got you nowhere. You already know she lies to tell you what you want to hear. She'll just do that again. A LIAR IS NOT A GOOD SOURCE OF THE TRUTH.

 

You came here looking for advice. You got it. Please take it. You need to keep your mouth shut so you can watch, listen and learn more of the truth. There are simple things to do -- starting with phone records. You KNOW something inappropriate happened, even if wasn't physical. So start sleuthing. If the phone records show heavy texting and calling, especially while she's at work, dig deeper. Escalate the sleuthing as you find more info. But it is critical that you do not show your cards. Don't let her know you're digging. Let her think it's all blown over.

 

You are at a serious disadvantage if she's the only one who knows the truth. You need to even the playing field. And she isn't going to be the one to help you do that. Ahem ... she's a known liar.