Wife and her ex-fiance

[S2B]

Ya know, the more I think about it the more I realize your whole marriage has been a farce. She’s been married to you but communicating, chasing and spending her time and energy on him!

 

She’s never been focused on you! She’s been pretending and using you while interested in him!

 

I wouldn’t spend one more single day with a liar like that! Every single day of your married life she has been focused on him - that’s dispicable!

 

Let him have her... she isn’t worth wasting time on. She is a liar and a cheater who used you.

[aliveagain]

Your biggest problem is not the O/M, your problem is you have a selfish wife that refuses to honour your boundaries. She knows you don't want her talking to him but against your wishes continues to have some kind of secret relationship with him for years. Inviting him to your home shows how little respect she really has for you. Go to Bestbuy or other tech store that sells VAR's(voice activated recorders) and Velcro one under her car seat. Get one with a good battery, don't get one that beeps when it records or at least has the ability to shut the beep notice off. Most conversations between affair partners usually happen in cars driving to and from work. You will know within days what is really going on. You may want to retrieve some of her deleted messages, there are aps that will allow you to do that. She's a liar and if they can lie to you they can do things that are a lot worse. There should never be friends in a marriage that are not friends of both the husband and wife and there is absolutely no room for friends that are hidden from a spouse.

Edited August 3, 2019 by aliveagain

[S2B]

Alive -

 

We don’t have confirmation she works. That’s why I suggested a camera in the home.

 

Literally he could be working hard to support a gal that’s cheated on him the whole marriage AND fathered kids with her ex that the OP is also supporting!

 

He needs to quit being her chump!

Edited August 3, 2019 by S2B

[salparadise]

Ended up finding out she had invited him to visit her at work (quarry office). She had even invited him to our home multiple times, after we had kids for sure, maybe before.

 

@S2B ^ We know that she was working, and that she invited the guy to come see her there as well as at home. To me this is the most damning bit of info we have. There's only one plausible reason that she'd be summoning him to either of these places.

[S2B]

Sal - good call - I forgot he said that previously!

[Beaver0273]

Hacked her phone. Not proud of doing it. No evidence of PE. Talking about it. But nothing concrete.

[Buffer]

Your biggest problem is not the O/M, your problem is you have a selfish wife that refuses to honour your boundaries. She knows you don't want her talking to him but against your wishes continues to have some kind of secret relationship with him for years. Inviting him to your home shows how little respect she really has for you.

 

She won’t tell you anything.

That she doesn’t believe you need to know, she is minimal having a EA.

She has no respect for you or the marriage, she is showing you this by constantly having this MM in her communication and life both work and home.

How you handle this is how strong your convictions are.

If you talk, ask and show your concerns yet she ignores you. Then you have to make her accountable for her wilful actions.

Talk to a lawyer so to know your rights, don’t rely on hearsay.

I don’t know your position financially and support wise. But is the MM in a relationship, if so open up to them and tell her of your WW and MM constant communications, home and work visits.

Pack her one bag, place it outside at the front door before she gets home, don’t even tell her why, she will know! Change locks (legal advice required due to state laws), than tell her due to her attitude and actions, please don’t come home for a week. Total NC.

Then ask your WW to move in with her family so you can collect your thoughts for a way ahead.

The EA has to stop.

This could be a Escape Affair to get the D rollin, don’t trust her.

[Marc878]

Hacked her phone. Not proud of doing it. No evidence of PE. Talking about it. But nothing concrete.

 

They usually delete the texts. What does her phone usage tell you.

 

Go online and review your billing data for texts/calls, volume, length of time etc.

[Turning point]

All of the advice being given here about testing, spying, etc. may in fact out a cheater. The downside is that it is also guaranteed to end your marriage even if she's not cheating.

 

Know exactly what it is you want BEFORE you turn in to this controlling monster and super-sleuth because, once you start the finale is already cast.

 

All of the aggressive (attack style) advice you've been given lies on the path to divorce, not connection. If your intention is to divorce move ahead. If your intention is to leave space for your wife to be both honorable and human - then act like a husband not an assailant.

[Crazelnut]

Hacked her phone. Not proud of doing it. No evidence of PE. Talking about it. But nothing concrete.

 

So she actually talked about having sex with another man. Isn't that enough, on its own, to call her a cheater and a liar? She tried to make it happen, inviting him to the house while you were gone. Isn't that all you need to know? YOUR WIFE WANTED AND TRIED TO BANG ANOTHER MAN. So you have a clear choice now. What are you going to do?

 

My suggestion: see a lawyer to find out what your options are.

[Marc878]

OP being a passive scared doormat in these situations just gets you more of what you've been getting. The contact may even ramp up further.

 

Do you really want to continue living like you've been?

[Turning point]

There are a lot of people on this site who confuse direction for advice. Try not to be the conduit for other people's unresolved anger.

 

I would keep the talking going. Expect to get trickle truth (minimized bits and pieces) but, if you give her a safe space to reveal herself you will get much further than you can with coercive or manipulative behavior. It takes time, often more time than you believe you have patience for. Be patient for you kids if not for yourself.

 

Truth will come in small pieces and you will have to be strong not to flip out over each little contradiction or nugget that may illicit your fear or anger. Anger and intense questioning will shut her down.

 

This is where a couples therapist is a good idea - it creates a controlled playing field where you can hear what she is really saying and have support in controlling your reactions.

 

Remember, that even if she's not cheating you are asking her to reveal things about herself that all of us work very hard to hide from ourselves let alone anyone else. You cannot beat this information out of her - if you want to know the first hand account of your wife's experience then you have to lead her to a safe place where she can reveal it.

 

If you are playing detective you are best advised not to reveal or confront her about what you know if your intention is to keep your marriage. If your marriage does survive this you'll be better off for seeing her move closer to you one truthful step at a time than had you made your own assumptions and slam dunked her with your best guess.

 

Be patient and stay calm. You'll learn soon enough what kind of fabric your wife is really made of. Try not to rip up the very thing you want to examine.

[Turning point]

.. being a passive scared doormat ..

 

OP, what do YOU want?

 

We know what the spectators want, but you're the one actually standing in the arena. What kind of person do YOU want to be?

 

Stay true to yourself, because ultimately this is the one person you can never separate from.

[DKT3]

Yeah, I wouldn't do that. Truth is, she is at minimum having an EA and has been doing so for the majority of the marriage. Doing what turning point is suggesting amounts to allowing the same behavior, she has been trickle truthing him for about a decade.

 

Stop allowing her to control the narrative, stop allowing her to gaslight you. Honestly, sometimes the "marriage " isnt worth the effort and some people simply shouldn't be married. From what I cant tell this probably is true in this case.

[Marc878]

 

Stop allowing her to control the narrative, stop allowing her to gaslight you. Honestly, sometimes the "marriage " isnt worth the effort and some people simply shouldn't be married. From what I cant tell this probably is true in this case.

 

What marriage? I don't see a real one.

 

Trying to save a marriage at all costs doesn't get you a thing.

[Marc878]

OP, what do YOU want?

 

We know what the spectators want, but you're the one actually standing in the arena. What kind of person do YOU want to be?

 

Stay true to yourself, because ultimately this is the one person you can never separate from.

 

That's a fair question. OP your wife likes having an X in your marriage. Works great for her. Unknown to you until recently.

 

How do you like it?

[elaine567]

There are three small children here.

The OP needs to consider just how far he wishes to push his wife here.

Yes he could divorce her and feel "Oh so justified" to loud clapping from the Betrayed Spouses on here, and then what?

With small children and divorced she will wish to remarry. Is having his kids brought up by another man acceptable to him?

[Marc878]

There are three small children here.

The OP needs to consider just how far he wishes to push his wife here.

Yes he could divorce her and feel "Oh so justified" to loud clapping from the Betrayed Spouses on here, and then what?

With small children and divorced she will wish to remarry. Is having his kids brought up by another man acceptable to him?

 

Is living with her X in the marriage acceptable? That's what it boils down to.

 

It is his decision.

[Marc878]

OP is not damaging or blowing up his marriage. His wife's actions are.

[elaine567]

It depends on what her views are regarding the marriage.

This may indeed be an exit affair* and she may use it as excuse to leave and file, but if she chooses to stay and try to sort it out, then he will be the one who blows up the marriage if he decides then to leave or divorce.

 

*affair - assuming that this is an actual affair...

[Marc878]

It depends on what her views are regarding the marriage.

This may indeed be an exit affair* and she may use it as excuse to leave and file, but if she chooses to stay and try to sort it out, then he will be the one who blows up the marriage if he decides then to leave or divorce.

 

*affair - assuming that this is an actual affair...

 

I doubt it's an exit affair. It's been going on too long for that. Sounds more like cake eating. So far she's not attempting to end it with the X so it's on her.

 

At this time OP's marriage is just a piece of paper.

[DKT3]

Elaine there is no marriage, not really. His wife's ex has been there the entire time. She has been having secret meet up, inviting him to him to her work place and into thier home all while knowing her husband was NOT ok with it. With or without sex by the definition it is an AFFAIR.

 

No one has to be ok with this, no one should be guilted into staying married to someone like this for the sake of the children. If he is ok with it then by all means (he clearly isnt btw). Saying he would be blowing up a marriage that his wife has never really been invested In is bullying tactics and gaslighting at its finest.

[DKT3]

Bottom line OP, there is a such thing as a successful divorce. You have been fighting this battle with your wife throughout your relationship with her, she responded with more of the same. You have made the effort, maybe it's time to realize that the marriage may not be salvageable in which case you can walk away knowing you've made the effort and it has been unmatched. That doesn't mean you blew up the marriage, simply put you've not had a marriage.

 

Ultimately only you can make that decision since you have to live with the consequences.

[elaine567]

My thoughts.

Woman at home with three very small children.

Tired, bored, feeling unwanted and unloved. Little or no sleep.

No real adult conversation.

A baby making machine.

Trapped. Depressed.

 

Ex Fiance enters the scene.

Interesting, exciting, reminds her of happier times.

No doubt he lays the compliments on thick.

She has purpose and meaning to her life again. She looks forward to his messages, a ray of light in a dull world...

 

In March something happened, not sure what but messaging stops...

She returns to the fold.

 

Is this a hill to die on?

[DKT3]

My thoughts.

Woman at home with three very small children.

Tired, bored, feeling unwanted and unloved. Little or no sleep.

No real adult conversation.

A baby making machine.

Trapped. Depressed.

 

Ex Fiance enters the scene.

Interesting, exciting, reminds her of happier times.

No doubt he lays the compliments on thick.

She has purpose and meaning to her life again. She looks forward to his messages, a ray of light in a dull world...

 

In March something happened, not sure what but messaging stops...

She returns to the fold.

 

Is this a hill to die on?

Absolutely....absolutely no more worthy hill to die on then one that diminish your self worth