schlumpy Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 Hacked her phone. Not proud of doing it. No evidence of PE. Talking about it. But nothing concrete. You've taken the first step to finding the truth. Do you have a next step in mind? One at a time is very acceptable until you reach some level of satisfaction. Did you find an ally? You need someone on the scene as a sounding board and just to talk things out with. Best Wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beaver0273 Posted August 4, 2019 Author Share Posted August 4, 2019 You've taken the first step to finding the truth. Do you have a next step in mind? One at a time is very acceptable until you reach some level of satisfaction. Did you find an ally? You need someone on the scene as a sounding board and just to talk things out with. Best Wishes I don't know what my next step is. I don't really know what to do. Just devastated. I have only spoken to one person about it at all and I didn't say much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 My thoughts. Woman at home with three very small children. Tired, bored, feeling unwanted and unloved. Little or no sleep. No real adult conversation. A baby making machine. Trapped. Depressed. Ex Fiance enters the scene. Interesting, exciting, reminds her of happier times. No doubt he lays the compliments on thick. She has purpose and meaning to her life again. She looks forward to his messages, a ray of light in a dull world... In March something happened, not sure what but messaging stops... She returns to the fold. Is this a hill to die on? This sounds like you are sympathetic to the OP's wife. Feeling "trapped" and "depressed" is no excuse for a long term emotional affair. A spouse who is not "interesting" or complimentary enough doesn't deserve to be lied to. Would you be as sympathetic if the OP was cheating on his wife with an ex? Why or why not? I'm curious. Many spouses value infidelity so much that they will end their marriages over it. This is not unusual or irrational. I do agree that children should be considered when making the decision to divorce. Ultimately, spouses who are thinking of divorce need to decide whether or not the children would be better off in the long run. Blended families are notoriously difficult and so is the emotional fallout of divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 This sounds like you are sympathetic to the OP's wife. Not really, but the three kids under five scenario is well known to be hell on earth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 Not really, but the three kids under five scenario is well known to be hell on earth. So is living in infidelity. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 I don't know what my next step is. I don't really know what to do. Just devastated. I have only spoken to one person about it at all and I didn't say much. You need some time to think. Maybe go visit family. Etc. alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 If the roles were reversed and you had invited your old girlfriend to your home on multiple occasions when your wife was away; and in addition, texted about having sex with her; how do you think your wife would have responded? Would she be passive and accepting as you have been? Tell her that this is a dealbreaker for you and demand a polygraph from her and most certainly DNA your children. No consequences to her actions equal no motivation to change. The actions of your wife show a tremendous amount of disrespect toward you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself, then who will? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 Sounds like you have access to her phone. If you want the full truth do a deleted text recovery using Fonelab. Unless you found enough. Sorry you're here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 OP, don't stay in the victim chair to long. It won't get you much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 (edited) We have three adorable children, 4, 3, and 2. Either DNA your kids now or never do it. They are young enough to not know what you're doing but that will not be true much longer. No one has to know that you did it. You can buy a kit at about any drug store, WalMart etc. You swab the inside of your cheek and theirs. Then sent it to a lab. You may never know what your wife has been up but at least you will know 100% about the kids. You love them so you're not testing the kids you're testing your wife. Edited August 4, 2019 by Buckeye2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 I don't know what my next step is. I don't really know what to do. Just devastated. I have only spoken to one person about it at all and I didn't say much. Have you seen a lawyer yet? Do you know if the boyfriend has a wife or SO? Get a voice activated recorder. Make sure it doesn't make noise and if there is a led put some tape on it. Put the VAR where she is likely to make a phone call. This is usually in the house or her car. Attach it with heavy duty Velcro under the car seat. If she has computer, install a key logger program. Recover the deleted texts on her phone. Look up the 180 program on Chump Lady Six items my friend for your consideration. You are in control. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 There are three small children here. The OP needs to consider just how far he wishes to push his wife here. Yes he could divorce her and feel "Oh so justified" to loud clapping from the Betrayed Spouses on here, and then what? With small children and divorced she will wish to remarry. Is having his kids brought up by another man acceptable to him? And he needs evidence those 3 kids are actually his biologically. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 And he needs evidence those 3 kids are actually his biologically. And what exactly does he do with that info? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 Make an informed decision 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beaver0273 Posted August 4, 2019 Author Share Posted August 4, 2019 May be a dumb question but is there s recommendation on a voice activated recorder? Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 Make sure you turn off all beeps, or just stick an earbud plug into the socket, with the buds cut off of course. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 May be a dumb question but is there s recommendation on a voice activated recorder? Sony makes top rated one for a fair price. Google them. Get the good batteries. It's best to get 2 so you can swap them out. If you're putting it in her care get some Velcro for fastening. Keep your mouth shut, eyes and ears open. Sorry man Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 OP is not damaging or blowing up his marriage. His wife's actions are. You don't have a window to any knowledge about that, and your advocating aggression against the wife on the basis of your own personal history. It's getting harder to tell what's really going on here - is it a wayward wife or controlling husband? They are both equally capable of bringing a relationship to the point described herein. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 With a Voice Activated Recorder you are essentially doing nothing, just standing by waiting for her to cheat, and then pouncing at the opportunity to crush her. Doesn't sound like much of a plan, and doesn't sound like someone who's marriage material. Be careful what you wish for. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 Controlling husband who knows his wife has been carrying on a secret relationship with her ex for their entire relationship and done nothing..I dont think that would be anyone's idea of a controlling husband 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 Controlling husband who knows his wife has been carrying on a secret relationship with her ex for their entire relationship and done nothing..I dont think that would be anyone's idea of a controlling husband You would have to try really hard to ignore that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 (edited) I'm disgusted by the posts which point the finger at the OP. Based on what he has shared, his wife is stepping out on him. Even if the OP has not been the best husband or his wife is unhappy, cheating is not excusable nor is it a productive way of solving marital issues. Edited August 5, 2019 by BettyDraper 4 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 And what exactly does he do with that info? For starters - he would have a shred of truth... about kids he’s been raising. He’s certainly not going to get it from his wife. IF he divorced her he would be stuck paying support money for three kids - he needs to know if he’s the father of those kids. I’m not saying he would abandon them. I’m just saying her needs evidence of what’s real. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 My thoughts. Woman at home with three very small children. Tired, bored, feeling unwanted and unloved. Little or no sleep. No real adult conversation. A baby making machine. Trapped. Depressed. Ex Fiance enters the scene. Interesting, exciting, reminds her of happier times. No doubt he lays the compliments on thick. She has purpose and meaning to her life again. She looks forward to his messages, a ray of light in a dull world... In March something happened, not sure what but messaging stops... She returns to the fold. Is this a hill to die on? It is amazing how you know exactly how she feels. I do know women that are like this. I also know women that thrive on being a mom. The fact that you know her husband made her feel unloved, not cared for and just a baby making machine is amazing. Do you use a crystal ball? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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