Author Beaver0273 Posted August 5, 2019 Author Share Posted August 5, 2019 The proof is in the text messages that talked about sleeping together, then she invited him into their home while OP was at work. It's pretty evident what went on. I do want to say that the times I do know of her in inviting him, the kids were there as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 I do want to say that the times I do know of her in inviting him, the kids were there as well. What is your wife's response to this situation? Is she attempting to get you to move on? Is she saying things like, "It's been two weeks, get over it already." Is she being extra nice and thoughtful? Are you finding your favorite meal served on more regular basis? Are you experiencing the best sex of your entire marriage? How is she handling this? Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 I do want to say that the times I do know of her in inviting him, the kids were there as well. Let's hope it's not because they are his. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 I do want to say that the times I do know of her in inviting him, the kids were there as well. All the more reason for DNA tests. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 OP - a question. IF it turns out that all there is evidence for is an EA (which you already know happened) but NO firm evidence that a PA ever happened, do you know what you intend to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beaver0273 Posted August 5, 2019 Author Share Posted August 5, 2019 What is your wife's response to this situation? Is she attempting to get you to move on? Is she saying things like, "It's been two weeks, get over it already." Is she being extra nice and thoughtful? Are you finding your favorite meal served on more regular basis? Are you experiencing the best sex of your entire marriage? How is she handling this? Best Wishes She is trying to convince me to stay. Being extra nice and thoughtful since it came out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beaver0273 Posted August 5, 2019 Author Share Posted August 5, 2019 OP - a question. IF it turns out that all there is evidence for is an EA (which you already know happened) but NO firm evidence that a PA ever happened, do you know what you intend to do? No firm evidence. Says it never went that far. I dont know what I'm doing yet. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 She is trying to convince me to stay. Being extra nice and thoughtful since it came out. She's in self protection mode. Usually that doesn't last. You need to recover her deleted text messages. It's almost impossible to live without the truth. You will not get that from her without proof. If it's what it sounds like all cheaters lie a lot. Rugsweeping is disastrous long term 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 No firm evidence. Says it never went that far. I dont know what I'm doing yet. Her behavior is your evidence. Were this innocent she would be very angry at you. A real good woman would at first reassure you that nothing was going on, but would eventually get angry. Her being extra nice and trying to convince you to stay is guilty behavior. Listen many if not most posting on your thread has been where you are at this very moment. Unfortunately for us men, we tend to not react, we tend to sit around until we simply can no longer avoid what our guts are telling us what is our new truth. That just allows them to easily manipulate and gaslight us. Your wife had an affair, a very long very sexual relationship with this guy. I think you would serve yourself well to start taking strong actions. I'm not sure what those actions look like in you case. Me, if I had it to do all over again I would have proceeded to filing right away. I've learned that once they realize there is no room for BS you dont get any. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 I do want to say that the times I do know of her in inviting him, the kids were there as well. That has not stop others from having sex when the kids are home. All she had to do is put them down for a nap or playing in the playroom and they go have their 15 to 30 minutes of fun Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 She is trying to convince me to stay. Being extra nice and thoughtful since it came out. Sounds like you are not really prepared to actually do anything about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 One husband came home early from work one day to surprise his wife and take her out for lunch with the kids. When he got there the kids were down to sleep and she was locked in his office with the other man it took her 5 to 10 minutes to open the door when he started beating on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 These threads are depressing. BS has ample evidence of EA and desire for a PA, but won't do anything concrete. And then the OP rug sweeps, only to come back later and report that it WAS an affair. It's so sad to watch the denial and inability to act. OP, please do SOMETHING. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 I would call the guy and put the phone on speaker from her phone. I would tell him right in front of her he can come get her. You are done with the marriage. Don't tell her before you do it. Let her show first hand just how remorseful she is. If she wants you and only you she will reject him right there on the spot with him hearing it all. Then watch her. if she doesn't reject him on the spot then you know where you stand. Its a great way to put it all on the line without violence. After that you can decide what you want to do base on her reaction. Good luck in what ever you decide. C 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 OP are we all wasting our time giving you all this advice? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 OP: Have you determined if you wife's boyfriend has his own wife or SO? If so, it may be the fastest way to the truth. Do not warn your wife you will be contacting them as she may run interference for her boyfriend. Please bring someone in on your problem. You need an ally. Someone on your side. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beaver0273 Posted August 5, 2019 Author Share Posted August 5, 2019 OP: Have you determined if you wife's boyfriend has his own wife or SO? If so, it may be the fastest way to the truth. Do not warn your wife you will be contacting them as she may run interference for her boyfriend. Please bring someone in on your problem. You need an ally. Someone on your side. Best Wishes He has a SO now I dont believe he did when this was happening Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 Not the only one here using a crystal ball though am I? Merely trying to introduce some balance into this witch hunt... This woman would have been burnt at the stake by now along with her kids, had some on here got their way... I get it, some are very angry with their own "cheater", but all we have atm is some woman talking to an ex on SM... Some perspective needed. Did you not read that the OP's wife met with this man and even had him in their home? This isn't projection. My husband has never cheated on me but I still don't think that the wife should be defended and I don't think her actions are acceptable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 He has a SO now I dont believe he did when this was happening So he didn’t need his play toy any longer because he found someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 Beaver0237, I'm going to, respectfully, counter these suggestions to rush into "doing something". You are doing something - researching to see if it was a PA. There is NO rush that I can see except that your wife may hide some evidence (assuming the evidence even exists). This is a lot to absorb, and IMO you should take time as needed to process it all and come to the most logical decision for you. If that takes an extra 2 weeks, what's the harm? At least you then know you're making the right decision for you. Folks, respectfully, OP has had a DDay. It's a LOT to process, it's his life, his marriage, and his 3 kids and this sort of emotional processing doesn't happen overnight. Can we give him the space he needs to sort out what he wants to do. I don't think we're wasting our advice here. He's absorbing it, but he's got truly major decisions to make going forward... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 Has she gone full NC yet? Do you trust or believe her response? Has she said why the EA? And why it didn’t go PA? Finally how does she justify her actions in permitting this EA to continue disrespecting you and your children for the duration of the marriage? Start asking the questions, not just accepting her responses. If she won’t communicate or go NC again as I said in previous post. Show her. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 (edited) I do want to say that the times I do know of her in inviting him, the kids were there as well. That's a conveniently ambiguous flame you've just lit. Much of what you have posted is unusually narrow and void of specific detail. Perhaps you could tell us more about you, you're relationship with your wife, The nature of the agreement you did or did not reach regarding this ex, who if anyone else is also on this sh* list, and why you fear she is cheating rather than simply refusing to cut off her connections to other people? It is preferable for a couple to have mutual friendships, but your clearly stated hatred for this guy that was never going to be possible. The mere fact that she refused to join you in your disdain for this person is not by itself evidence of cheating, because it's also a strong case for self-preservation. This may in fact be a very simple case of a wife wayward with an ex, time will tell. However, OP you have not been at all effective yet, in making that case. As much as I'd like to help you, there are some people who hijack the emotional history on boards like these to create a weapon of public scorn they can use against their spouse. The bar could be set a little higher in this thread without cutting you off from any support you do in fact need. Edited August 5, 2019 by Turning point Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 He has a SO now I dont believe he did when this was happening Decide what it is you want to know before you start digging. Then decide why you want to know, and what will you do with the information. If you don't have a clear plan then you are likely to do a whole lot of things you'll regret for a lifetime. You can't undo the mistakes you might make, and she can't undo the past. The truth isn't going anywhere, it's fixed in time. Know what your goals are before you begin. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 He has a SO now I dont believe he did when this was happening You need to ask her a question. Her reaction to it is what you are looking for. Ask her this “Would you have left me if OM hadn’t gotten married?” Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 “Would you have left me if OM hadn’t gotten married?” That question wreaks of insecurity. Her reaction will be that she is repulsed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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