S2B Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 I don’t think this poster is going to take any action to protect himself/his future. Beaver - I wish you would take action and start doing some things! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 These threads are depressing. BS has ample evidence of EA and desire for a PA, but won't do anything concrete. And then the OP rug sweeps, only to come back later and report that it WAS an affair. It's so sad to watch the denial and inability to act. OP, please do SOMETHING. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 I would call the guy and put the phone on speaker from her phone. I would tell him right in front of her he can come get her. You are done with the marriage. Don't tell her before you do it. Let her show first hand just how remorseful she is. If she wants you and only you she will reject him right there on the spot with him hearing it all. Then watch her. if she doesn't reject him on the spot then you know where you stand. Its a great way to put it all on the line without violence. After that you can decide what you want to do base on her reaction. Good luck in what ever you decide. C 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 OP are we all wasting our time giving you all this advice? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 OP: Have you determined if you wife's boyfriend has his own wife or SO? If so, it may be the fastest way to the truth. Do not warn your wife you will be contacting them as she may run interference for her boyfriend. Please bring someone in on your problem. You need an ally. Someone on your side. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beaver0273 Posted August 5, 2019 Author Share Posted August 5, 2019 OP: Have you determined if you wife's boyfriend has his own wife or SO? If so, it may be the fastest way to the truth. Do not warn your wife you will be contacting them as she may run interference for her boyfriend. Please bring someone in on your problem. You need an ally. Someone on your side. Best Wishes He has a SO now I dont believe he did when this was happening Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 Not the only one here using a crystal ball though am I? Merely trying to introduce some balance into this witch hunt... This woman would have been burnt at the stake by now along with her kids, had some on here got their way... I get it, some are very angry with their own "cheater", but all we have atm is some woman talking to an ex on SM... Some perspective needed. Did you not read that the OP's wife met with this man and even had him in their home? This isn't projection. My husband has never cheated on me but I still don't think that the wife should be defended and I don't think her actions are acceptable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 He has a SO now I dont believe he did when this was happening So he didn’t need his play toy any longer because he found someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 Beaver0237, I'm going to, respectfully, counter these suggestions to rush into "doing something". You are doing something - researching to see if it was a PA. There is NO rush that I can see except that your wife may hide some evidence (assuming the evidence even exists). This is a lot to absorb, and IMO you should take time as needed to process it all and come to the most logical decision for you. If that takes an extra 2 weeks, what's the harm? At least you then know you're making the right decision for you. Folks, respectfully, OP has had a DDay. It's a LOT to process, it's his life, his marriage, and his 3 kids and this sort of emotional processing doesn't happen overnight. Can we give him the space he needs to sort out what he wants to do. I don't think we're wasting our advice here. He's absorbing it, but he's got truly major decisions to make going forward... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 Has she gone full NC yet? Do you trust or believe her response? Has she said why the EA? And why it didn’t go PA? Finally how does she justify her actions in permitting this EA to continue disrespecting you and your children for the duration of the marriage? Start asking the questions, not just accepting her responses. If she won’t communicate or go NC again as I said in previous post. Show her. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 (edited) I do want to say that the times I do know of her in inviting him, the kids were there as well. That's a conveniently ambiguous flame you've just lit. Much of what you have posted is unusually narrow and void of specific detail. Perhaps you could tell us more about you, you're relationship with your wife, The nature of the agreement you did or did not reach regarding this ex, who if anyone else is also on this sh* list, and why you fear she is cheating rather than simply refusing to cut off her connections to other people? It is preferable for a couple to have mutual friendships, but your clearly stated hatred for this guy that was never going to be possible. The mere fact that she refused to join you in your disdain for this person is not by itself evidence of cheating, because it's also a strong case for self-preservation. This may in fact be a very simple case of a wife wayward with an ex, time will tell. However, OP you have not been at all effective yet, in making that case. As much as I'd like to help you, there are some people who hijack the emotional history on boards like these to create a weapon of public scorn they can use against their spouse. The bar could be set a little higher in this thread without cutting you off from any support you do in fact need. Edited August 5, 2019 by Turning point Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 He has a SO now I dont believe he did when this was happening Decide what it is you want to know before you start digging. Then decide why you want to know, and what will you do with the information. If you don't have a clear plan then you are likely to do a whole lot of things you'll regret for a lifetime. You can't undo the mistakes you might make, and she can't undo the past. The truth isn't going anywhere, it's fixed in time. Know what your goals are before you begin. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 He has a SO now I dont believe he did when this was happening You need to ask her a question. Her reaction to it is what you are looking for. Ask her this “Would you have left me if OM hadn’t gotten married?” Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 “Would you have left me if OM hadn’t gotten married?” That question wreaks of insecurity. Her reaction will be that she is repulsed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Say nothing. The info you seek is in her phone. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 That question wreaks of insecurity. Her reaction will be that she is repulsed. Your overall message since joining seems to be telling BHs that they are weak and immature if they dont just accept poor behavior and move on as if it didn't happen. Here in the real world that wreaks of someone that lacks self worth, and finds their value in a woman no matter how poorly she treats him. What is 6our motivation to basically repeat this same message in every situation? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beaver0273 Posted August 7, 2019 Author Share Posted August 7, 2019 When I see a lawyer, what do I need to have and what do I even ask? Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Your overall message since joining seems to be telling BHs that they are weak and immature if they dont just accept poor behavior and move on as if it didn't happen. Here in the real world that wreaks of someone that lacks self worth, and finds their value in a woman no matter how poorly she treats him. What is 6our motivation to basically repeat this same message in every situation? If DK had not beaten me to it I would have written the same post. I usually try to ascertain a person viewpoint and philosophy by reading multiple posts but in your case those posts don't exist. I have no problem with you presenting your case to the OP. This is an opinion forum and I'm certainly open to alternate points of view but I'm really having a hard time seeing the world through your eyes. You are very verbose. Please share your insight with me. You can use the OP's situation as an example. How would you get his wife to tell the truth? What is this safe place he must lead her to in order to get the truth and how would he accomplish that when he has trouble getting up each morning? Best Wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 When I see a lawyer, what do I need to have and what do I even ask? You give the lawyer your story. He will then explain your options under the state where you live. If he/she is a pure divorce lawyer they may have resources that will help you get to the truth. He may have suggestions based on his/her experience that will help you decide how to handle the situation. If you can find the right one, they can be a valuable ally albeit an expensive one. Going to a lawyer will make the spouse aware of how serious you are viewing her transgressions. Instead of Defcon5 you've now jumped to defcon3. It can be used as leverage but you must be willing to go through with it. It should never be used as a bluff. It's just information and you get to make the decision on how it is used. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 When I see a lawyer, what do I need to have and what do I even ask? So you have decided you want to divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beaver0273 Posted August 7, 2019 Author Share Posted August 7, 2019 So you have decided you want to divorce? I haven't yet, but I would like to have the information. She says she's willing to do anything to make it work right now. Don't know where I'm leaning right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 So you confronted and she confessed. What was her excuse? Important to get tested for STD's. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 That question wreaks of insecurity. Her reaction will be that she is repulsed. Sorry TP. I mixed you up with another poster and thought you had 50 posts instead of 500. I will start reading post haste. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 I haven't yet, but I would like to have the information. She says she's willing to do anything to make it work right now. Don't know where I'm leaning right now. Bud, she's in self protection mode upfront. They all promise you the moon at first but time and her actions will tell you what you need to know. Remember, cheaters lie a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Have you gotten the full truth? If not remember it'll be in her deleted texts in her phone. Link to post Share on other sites
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