Wife and her ex-fiance

[Beaver0273]

So you confronted and she confessed. What was her excuse?

Important to get tested for STD's.

 

Apparently she just wasn't happy for a bit. Insists nothing physical happened. I know

[S2B]

Wow, you seem to be going along with her plan...

 

You won’t find out what is real unless you dig deep. Asking her will only uncover MORE lies.

[Marc878]

Apparently she just wasn't happy for a bit. Insists nothing physical happened. I know

 

Cheater script. They all do that. Any excuse wil do to justify their unjustifiable actions.

 

It's total BS

[Marc878]

Look up the terms blamshifting and trickle truthing (she'll only admit to what you can prove).

 

You were in the same marriage. She's not perfect. Did you have an excuse yo cheat?

 

She in self preservation mode. Unless this changes you can stay but you'll never reconcile the marriage.

 

You don't get the truth now you won't and long term it'll make it difficult to live with this.

 

You can deal with the truth. You can't deal with the unknown.

[S2B]

There is no healthy foundation for a marriage built in lies.

 

She’s offered you nothing that shows she intends to repair the damage she has caused. She isn’t willingly offering you peace of mind about how to trust her.

 

She’s pissed all over your marriage - and she is acting like it’s no big deal! Why? Because she can! Because you allow her to treat you and the farce of a marriage this way.

 

Just divorce her. You’re never gonna get what’s real from her. You have nothing to build from without what really happened. It’s all pretend.

 

Get full custody of your kids (no matter what dna shows). That ought to wake her up.

[PRW]

Look...

Bottom line,...do you want to throw away your marriage and destroy your children's family over something that happens in the past that you really can't even say really happened to begin with?

 

People do stupid things sometimes,..as she did.

She isn't doing it now.

The guy is involved with someone else now.

 

Is it worth wrecking 5 lives over it? Make up your mind.

[elaine567]

She’s pissed all over your marriage - and she is acting like it’s no big deal! Why?

 

Maybe because it is no big deal...

She KNOWS what happened, we don't...

[Marc878]

Look...

Bottom line,...do you want to throw away your marriage and destroy your children's family over something that happens in the past that you really can't even say really happened to begin with?

 

People do stupid things sometimes,..as she did.

She isn't doing it now.

The guy is involved with someone else now.

 

Is it worth wrecking 5 lives over it? Make up your mind.

 

She threw away the marriage and wrecked the family. He's just dealing with the aftermath.

 

Not everyone can suck it up and become a doormat.

[Marc878]

Maybe because it is no big deal...

She KNOWS what happened, we don't...

 

That is the problem. Cheaters lie hide and deny. Not everyone has the capability to become a doormat

[Crazelnut]

Apparently she just wasn't happy for a bit. Insists nothing physical happened. I know

 

Beav, you came on to this forum and told us about your situation and suspicions. We gave you advice and asked you questions, and all you give us are the briefest responses. You don't answer the questions you are asked. You seem to avoid anything remotely unsettling. We really are trying to help you and save you even more grief.

 

So would you please, tell us what has transpired between you two? Tell us what you've done to get to the real truth, if anything? We can't give good advice or encouragement if we don't know what's going on.

[PRW]

She threw away the marriage and wrecked the family. He's just dealing with the aftermath.

Not everyone can suck it up and become a doormat.

I think you are inserting or projecting your own reactions and emotions into it. I went back and read all the OP's messages and I don't see anything solid enough to claim any of that. All I see was that she had some text sessions with the Ex (from 14 years in the past) and now is no longer doing that,...and the Ex is now involved with someone else (not her) and there is no current communication between the Ex and the OP's wife now.

 

It wouldn't be the first time that a wife had a moment of stupidity and texted an old Ex for a period of time. Nothing physical came out of it,...she didn't even deny doing it when asked about it as if she never considered it something to hide. This isn't anything to destroy a family over,...maybe a night or two sleeping on the couch, but not the destruction of the home and family life of 3 kids who need their parents.

[Beaver0273]

Beav, you came on to this forum and told us about your situation and suspicions. We gave you advice and asked you questions, and all you give us are the briefest responses. You don't answer the questions you are asked. You seem to avoid anything remotely unsettling. We really are trying to help you and save you even more grief.

 

So would you please, tell us what has transpired between you two? Tell us what you've done to get to the real truth, if anything? We can't give good advice or encouragement if we don't know what's going on.

 

Sorry, been in a daze. Got into her phone Saturday night. Saw some texts. A few really stood out. He said 'kinda still in love with you'. She replied 'honestly, I feel the same way. How is it that we had our chance and basically blew, then ended up like this?'. Another she said something like 'you are like my drug. I can go so long not seeing you and I'm fine. But when I do I dont want to see you leave' . Others somewhat like that.

 

Woke her up, fight ensued. Said she was stupid, swore up and down nothing physically happened. Got here phone out to call him. No answer. Tried again, no answer.

 

Haven't done much of anything the past few days. Too torn up to do much. Survive.

 

She is offering to go through all her texts with him. Recovering deleted, to try and show me those texts were the worst that happened. The kicker? Those texts were spring of 2018.

[DKT3]

I think you are inserting or projecting your own reactions and emotions into it. I went back and read all the OP's messages and I don't see anything solid enough to claim any of that. All I see was that she had some text sessions with the Ex (from 14 years in the past) and now is no longer doing that,...and the Ex is now involved with someone else (not her) and there is no current communication between the Ex and the OP's wife now.

 

It wouldn't be the first time that a wife had a moment of stupidity and texted an old Ex for a period of time. Nothing physical came out of it,...she didn't even deny doing it when asked about it as if she never considered it something to hide. This isn't anything to destroy a family over,...maybe a night or two sleeping on the couch, but not the destruction of the home and family life of 3 kids who need their parents.

 

Says you. Now who is projecting?

 

I filed for divorce with far less evidence of an affair than OP has. Guess what happened, my wife, once served with papers song like a canary, fessed up to everything after 14 months of lying.

 

Not everyone can live a inauthentic life, I couldn't live with knowing in my gut that she had done something and wouldn't tell. Not all of us can bury our heads in the sand and just be ok with it.

 

Ultimately I filed for divorce for my kids, I was in a head space where I had lost all respect for thier mother and I didn't want to see that lack of respect manifested in front of my children.

 

Sometimes divorce is addiction by subtraction

[PRW]

She replied 'honestly, I feel the same way. How is it that we had our chance and basically blew, then ended up like this?'.

 

The kicker? Those texts were spring of 2018.

 

Your obsession with texts from a year and a half ago,...her comment to the Ex of "then ended up like this" ["this" = "you & her"],...her willing attempts to go back and retrieve all the messages to prove to you nothing came of it..., makes me think that there is far more going on here than meets the eye, and I am directing that at you. You may be the driving force that pushed her to the point of contacting the Ex to have someone she once felt close with to confide in back in early 2018. It is starting to clearly look like you are not someone that she can confide in. When a woman does not feel heard, and understood,...you will lose them. That is two of the most important needs a woman has. Her desperate willingness to show you all of the old texts is her attempt to be heard & understood.

 

There may not be any hope for this situation, and I am not laying that at her feet, I am laying that at yours. What I hear from you is no love for your wife,...only "you" and what she did to "you", and what "you" might lose.

 

Sorry..

Edited August 7, 2019 by PRW

[PRW]

I filed for divorce with far less evidence of an affair than OP has.

That is not a "plus".

 

Guess what happened, my wife, once served with papers song like a canary, fessed up to everything after 14 months of lying.

He isn't married to your wife. So you are projecting too. "It happened to me this way, so surely it is happening here the same way",...that is projecting.

 

I think I am one of the few to look at it from a step back and consider that either one of them (or both) could be the problem. I seem to be one of the few to consider it salvageable rather than a "disposable family". Although with the last post from the OP I replied to I am no longer certain it can be salvaged, but that she may be as much the victim here.

Edited August 7, 2019 by PRW

[Marc878]

She is offering to go through all her texts with him. Recovering deleted, to try and show me those texts were the worst that happened. The kicker? Those texts were spring of 2018.

 

Better do it. If you want peace of mind and be able to move forward. If not this'll just linger.

 

I'd ask for a polygraph too. Immediately!!!!'

[Marc878]

Sorry, been in a daze. Got into her phone Saturday night. Saw some texts. A few really stood out. He said 'kinda still in love with you'. She replied 'honestly, I feel the same way. How is it that we had our chance and basically blew, then ended up like this?'.

 

Sorry but OM is her plan A. You are B

 

Another she said something like 'you are like my drug. I can go so long not seeing you and I'm fine. But when I do I dont want to see you leave' . Others somewhat like that.

 

Sounds like a sexual affair to me. They weren't meeting up to play checkers or watch TV.

 

Sorry many but cheaters lie a lot.

[Beaver0273]

Your obsession with texts from a year and a half ago,...her comment to the Ex of "then ended up like this" ["this" = "you & her"],...her willing attempts to go back and retrieve all the messages to prove to you nothing came of it..., makes me think that there is far more going on here than meets the eye, and I am directing that at you. You may be the driving force that pushed her to the point of contacting the Ex to have someone she once felt close with to confide in back in early 2018. It is starting to clearly look like you are not someone that she can confide in. When a woman does not feel heard, and understood,...you will lose them. That is two of the most important needs a woman has. Her desperate willingness to show you all of the old texts is her attempt to be heard & understood.

 

There may not be any hope for this situation, and I am not laying that at her feet, I am laying that at yours. What I hear from you is no love for your wife,...only "you" and what she did to "you", and what "you" might lose.

 

Sorry..

 

I am far from perfect. I know it. I'm too much like my father that showed no emotion. Why couldn't she have tried to something something was wrong if there was?

 

In the world I come from, telling someone you think you're in love with them means something.

[Beaver0273]

Sorry but OM is her plan A. You are B

 

 

 

Sounds like a sexual affair to me. They weren't meeting up to play checkers or watch TV.

 

Sorry many but cheaters lie a lot.

 

 

Not arguing with you, but why stay if I'm plan B and he told her how he felt?

[schlumpy]

If she's willing to go over the Phone texts (are you sure none have been deleted?) then she's willing to write out an affair timeline of when she met him, where she met him, starting point and why did it end. To the best of her memory of course.

 

You can use the timeline to check against other facts. If things check out then your confidence in her ability to tell you the truth may return and you will be able accept the rest of the story.

 

Of course there is always the controversial polygraph.

[Beaver0273]

If she's willing to go over the Phone texts (are you sure none have been deleted?) then she's willing to write out an affair timeline of when she met him, where she met him, starting point and why did it end. To the best of her memory of course.

 

You can use the timeline to check against other facts. If things check out then your confidence in her ability to tell you the truth may return and you will be able accept the rest of the story.

 

Of course there is always the controversial polygraph.

 

She is willing to use recovery software.

[Marc878]

Not arguing with you, but why stay if I'm plan B and he told her how he felt?

 

Because he's not committed. Most often other men are just there for the sex or a side piece.

 

You and the marriage are her comfort zone. Stable and reliable.

 

You were never supposed to find out about this. It was a secret between her and him.

 

He probably got tired of her or found another.

 

Right now your problem is this is deep. You don't talk like that with other men.

 

You are also in a biof denial. Not wanting to believe what you're seeing. That won't help you much.

[Marc878]

She is willing to use recovery software.

 

Do it!!!!! Now!!!!

 

Get a polygraph set up with one question. Have you had sex with OM during our marriage???

 

She's in self protection mode. Stall, etc. offer the moon, etc. hoping you'll just get over this. ASAP.

 

The time to get the full truth is now. You'll never get it later. You will regret it if you don't.

[oldtruck]

My thoughts.

Woman at home with three very small children.

Tired, bored, feeling unwanted and unloved. Little or no sleep.

No real adult conversation.

A baby making machine.

Trapped. Depressed.

 

Ex Fiance enters the scene.

Interesting, exciting, reminds her of happier times.

No doubt he lays the compliments on thick.

She has purpose and meaning to her life again. She looks forward to his messages, a ray of light in a dull world...

 

In March something happened, not sure what but messaging stops...

She returns to the fold.

 

Is this a hill to die on?

 

Yes.

 

Because the likely hood of a PA is to great.

[Marc878]

I think you are inserting or projecting your own reactions and emotions into it. I went back and read all the OP's messages and I don't see anything solid enough to claim any of that. All I see was that she had some text sessions with the Ex (from 14 years in the past) and now is no longer doing that,...and the Ex is now involved with someone else (not her) and there is no current communication between the Ex and the OP's wife now.

 

It wouldn't be the first time that a wife had a moment of stupidity and texted an old Ex for a period of time. Nothing physical came out of it,...she didn't even deny doing it when asked about it as if she never considered it something to hide. This isn't anything to destroy a family over,...maybe a night or two sleeping on the couch, but not the destruction of the home and family life of 3 kids who need their parents.

 

Nope, it's a long term thing. Plus she was inviting him into her home. I don't know of many men who are willing to raise an OM's children.

 

One thing I see a lot is weak doormattish types can't stand to see others stand up for themselves or take control because they didn't have what it takes.

 

It's a misery loves company thing.